Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Here's an analogy for you: movies are a lot like dogs - it's so cute when they roll over or walk on their hind legs, until you realize that this is the only trick they know.

You may recall my friend I mentioned in my last three subsequent Friday the 13th reviews, the one who watched the films for their subtext and so forth. I'm not sure if she's seen the fourth film or just the first three; it could be that after watching the earlier ones, she grew tired of watching one formula repeated ad nauseum. In other words the stories she saw remained the same, only the bodies have been changed to protect the insolent.

...see what I did there?...

Whether or not she has seen this Friday (hey, friend; fourth mention!) doesn't really matter. What DID matter to Paramount Pictures is the fact that people did see the first three Friday the 13ths. They knew where Camp Crystal Lake was (more or less), they knew the legend of Jason Voorhees (more or less) and his vendetta against teenagers in general (definitely).

The most important thing was that these audiences knew what to expect. Teens would be introduced. Teens would be killed. Jason would be responsible. Any deviation from this formula would not be tolerated. After all, it had made umpteen million dollars so far, so why mess with (im)perfection?

Like all good things, however, this tale had to reach its end. Its coda. Its coup de grace. And so in 1984, with a heavy heart and grand sendoff, Paramount Pictures, along with producer Frank Mancuso Jr., director Joseph Zito and writers Barney Cohen and Bruce Hidemi Sakow bid a fond, tearful farewell to the most beloved cash cow this side of India by releasing Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. This would be the finale of the series (Finale. The end. Fade out. Close curtain.) and the be-all to end all for everyone's favorite hockey-masked mad serial killer...Jason Voorhees.

Now, everyone who believes that last sentence please do a handstand on your computer chair.

Interesting....

Director Zito specialized before and since on shocks, scares and blood in most unexpected places (just ask Chuck Norris) and lensed Cohen and Sakow's script so as to take Jason out of the world the same way he came into it: messily.

So leave us to get to the point: the film begins with a montage of scenes set around the campfire story told in Part 2, with scenes from the last three films cut in so as to illustrate. To be honest, this was the only part of the movie I liked - quick, sharp editing coupled with jump scenes and Jason's glowering face popping up every so often. Now, this is the Jason Voorhees for the MTV generation. If the rest of the movie was this fast-paced and concise, this may be Jason's best showing ever.

...come on, you think I'd be reviewing this movie if THAT were the case???

The plot hasn't changed since 1980 - the only difference is we pick up from the very end of Part 3 (only this time, not in 3-D) where Jason's body is loaded up and taken to the city morgue.

Is he dead? Psh. NO....

Playing possum as he always does, Jason escapes his near-death experience, kills Fackler from Police Academy (Bruce Mahler) and a bit-player/candy-striper then is off to his old hunting grounds by The Lake....

(oh, I'm sorry; SPOILER ALERT, THAT PARAGRAPH JUST UP THERE)

Also headed to nowhere are a gaggle of over-sexed, under-intelligent idiots pretending to be teenagers; among their number are George McFly (Crispin Glover), Matthew Star (Peter Barton) and the kid from The Last American Virgin (Lawrence Monoson). They soon arrive and find their house by The Lake is right next to that of Pete from Gremlins (Corey Feldman), who lives with his mom and his sister, Final Girl (Kimberly Beck).

The rest of the gang will grow up to be actors whose biggest accomplishments shall be appearing at horror-cons over at the Friday the 13th table, signing their glossies for $50 a pop. Nice gig.

Look, do you care about any of the actors in this thing? 95% of them are gonna be dead anyway. And those who do survive are going to be upstaged by The (Mad)Man of the Hour. This is HIS movie, don't forget - the rest of the cast is just a thang.

This is not something lost on effects makeup man Tom Savini, who has certainly been associated with more embarrassing things in his time, but anyway.... It has been said that he took a job in this work just so he could kill off the very character his makeup brought to life in 1980. Along the way, though, he also helps inflict makeup damage on everybody else such as stabbings, gougings, slashings, impalings, beheadings, crushings, axings and corkscrewings. Busy guy, Tom was, and for good reason - this was an event movie.

Yes it was: in 1984, alongside films the likes of GhostBusters, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Beverly Hills Cop, Gremlins, 2010, The Karate Kid and The Terminator, The Final Chapter was one of those millions of films released in a year where other producers were betting they would be the top-notch entertainment to attend at your friendly neighborhood multiplex. Mancuso and company were right, though; theirs was the highest-grossing horror movie of the year, out-performing even A Nightmare on Elm Street and Children of the Corn, which had their own legacies, sequels and so forth.

But to what end? When you make a series that has no growth, no development, no characters and no differences in plot from film to film, it reduces your regular movie-goers to lemmings that march merrily off the cliff after paying their $4.50 a head at the counter. They don't care about who is new in the series; they don't care about how good the film looks; they certainly don't care about plot twists. They came to see Jason kill teenagers.

Ironically, teenagers are also the main audience for these films.

So, in essence, the Friday the 13th series is about a mentally-disturbed behemoth who kills teenagers not only because they let him drown as a child but also because one killed his mother. AND later generations of stupid teenagers go to the same place to face the same fate.

Just like generations of teenagers flock to the same theaters to see the same movie made and remade - from 1980 to today.

Does that make sense to anyone else in this room? Anyone?

Is there anything good about Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter? Only if you're into gore effects. Is there any good acting in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter? Yes, if you count hysterical screaming. Are there any memorable scenes in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter? Only the beginning montage and maybe Crispin's later dance scene at The Lake house.

As you may have already guessed, Friday the 13th did NOT stop here. In spite of this being called The Final Chapter, who in their right mind would stop things now, just when they were really taking off, money-wise? Not Paramount, not Mancuso and certainly not any other suit who had anything to do with this franchise. They went on to make six more movies in the series, a TV show that lasted for three seasons and a movie reboot that played more like a "Greatest Hits" video.

This, however, was about as huge as Friday the 13th got. Never again would the series enjoy as huge a cast of up-and-comers as here. Never again would it have a makeup effects man as enthusiastic about his craft as Savini. Never again would it be trusted after being caught in so blatant a lie as this.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter was not a stopping point, it wasn't even a rest stop. It was a bump in the road for a series that made blood, guts, disposable teenagers, machetes and hockey masks de rigueur for anyone who ever wanted to make their own horror flick. And no need for any originality; again, why mess with (im)perfection?

On a final note, Kimberly Beck (the Final Girl of the piece) was once quoted as saying that Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter wasn't a B-movie, it was a C-movie.

I think she was grading on a curve.