The Expendables (2010)

As someone who spent their youth watching 85% of this cast destroy 95% of the world, I felt I owed it to them (as well as myself) to see this movie.

After all, of all the "event" movies of the summer, this one is a landmark. For The Expendables is the one in which almost every action hero of the Eighties comes together to blow up the rest of the world that they missed the first time.

You know it's not every day when you can put so many of the biggest (last) names in action together on the same movie poster as you can here. And here we have some biggies: Stallone. Schwarzenegger (*coughCAMEOcough*). Willis (*coughCAMEOcough*). Lundgren. Statham. Li. And a couple of others.

It's baffling to me how many of the cast members here are bald. But I guess that's another observation for another time. I have more important things to talk about here.

Like I said - this is an event film; the event film your testosterone has been waiting for.

Curbing my "BOO-YAH" attitude for a moment, allow me to explain the plot of this baby....

Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone, who also co-wrote and directed) leads the "Expendables", a band of highly skilled mercenaries including knife enthusiast Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), martial arts expert Yin Yang (Jet Li), heavy weapons specialist Hale Caesar (former NFL player Terry Crews), demolitions expert Toll Road (UFC fighter Randy Couture) and loose-cannon sniper Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren).

When the group is commissioned by the mysterious Mr. Church (Bruce Willis, in an all-too-brief cameo) to assassinate General Garza (David Zayas), the merciless dictator of the small South American island of Vilena, Barney and Lee head to the remote locale to scout out their opposition. Once there, they meet with local rebel Sandra (Giselle Itié) and discover the true nature of the conflict engulfing the city.

When they escape the island and Sandra stays behind, Ross must choose to either walk away and save his own life - or attempt a suicidal rescue mission that might just save his soul....

Sorry if that sounds a little too convoluted plot-wise, seeing as this is just the groundwork wherein a lot of stuff gets blowed up real good. And a lot of stuff DOES get blowed up real good. Every single pyrotechnic guy on this film earned their paychecks, since whatever doesn't get blown up, set on fire or shot to pieces simply collapses in a heap. You have to see that happen a few times in movies like this to feel you got your money's worth.

Children of the Eighties, you will recognize this movie right away. Maybe not the exact movie itself, but you will remember having seen at least one movie (or two or three) that has a similar plot. An assemblage of tough guys doing tough things together is familiar news to anyone who's seen The Delta Force (1986), Predator (1987), any of your choice of First Blood/Rambo movies (1981, 1985, 1988) or even one of the most legendary low-budget high-action flicks ever made: Deadly Prey (1987).

The Expendables is the most boisterously loud and blood-soaked example of guys-shooting-up-stuff since Stallone amped up his John Rambo one-man army Vietnam vet in 2008's Rambo. In many ways, this is a throwback not only to action movies past but also the idea Stallone brought to the fore in Rambo.

That idea? The audiences who watch their heroes in every movie they come up in will notice, after a while, that even though they themselves are getting older, so are their heroes. Since no one can stop the ravages of time, not even Hollywood, the heroes need to bring it on even harder, be just as brutal as the enemies they face.

And speaking of enemies, I'm not going to spoil anything by saying that the lead bad guy here, a rogue Government agent named Munroe, is played by no less than Eric Roberts, who has certainly done his share of baddies in his career and does not disappoint.

As a henchman named Paine, the WWE's own Steve Austin brings a good amount of menace and muscle to his role. And you know he's going to be a baddie - anyone who would water-board a woman, after all....

OH! But there's a couple of guys I haven't mentioned yet!

Helping out our Expendable team is Tool (Mickey Rourke), the owner of a local tattoo parlor and retired member of the group, who sticks around to add color and tell a well-modulated story about the difference between talking lives and saving lives. The man deserved his accolades for The Wrestler, I tell you.

And another henchman for the baddies simply referred to as The Brit in the credits is Gary Daniels, who's actually a past-action hero from the Nineties, who starred in dozens of movies and direct-to-video actioners.

We're talking heavy guns here, people.

I'm glad to see that Stallone has trimmed down and seems to be back in the same fighting shape he was in as recently as his Cliffhanger and Demolition Man days. Statham is someone I've not actually followed but understand that in his Transporter movies he is certainly more than capable of throwing down, so to speak. And he does that here. And Jet Li...well, for a short guy he really makes with the action. But I kid the worldwide well-respected action sensation....

And it's always good to see Lundgren back in form and showing how much his acting has improved since his Rocky IV days. Or even his A View to a Kill days.

Everybody gets at least one good scene here. Maybe two. Some of them even three. Amid the explosions, the fights, the thrown knives, the evisceration and various body parts blown off the baddies, you see Stallone and company having a great time reliving old memories and giving themselves a fun, bullet-riddled trip down a blood-soaked Memory Lane.

Before you say anything, however, please note that this is, above all else, a guy's movie. There's two women in the whole film (Itié and Charisma Carpenter), and only one of them even gets a kiss. This is another throwback to the Eighties school of action - there can be a woman in the cast, but don't kiss her, cause she may have cooties. Save your energy for blowing up stuff, guys.

It's hard to tell how well a movie like this is going to do. Are there enough guys out there who remember what an action film used to be like who will go and relive their youth? Are there any of the "cool girls" who enjoy action as much as the guys who will trot right along with them and whoop it up with every tough guy line of dialogue and every blown-off head? Will the young tyros who grew up on today's action market appreciate what Stallone and company are trying to do here?

I'd like to think so. This may be an $80 million gamble, but at least they stacked the chips in the right places.

So for any of you guys who are on the fence about seeing this fine film even after reading this review, I urge you to take your unused testosterone, place it in a sealed plastic bag and mail it to your local hospital. You won't be using it for anything after denying The Expendables. Or at least...you shouldn't.

One final note: I find it so funny that The Expendables, having Eric Roberts in its cast, is being released on the same day as Julia Roberts' chick flick du jour, Eat Pray Love.

I guess we'll not only see whose film does better, but which Roberts sibling will be replacing their agent.

BOO-YAH.