The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

This is the fifth review in a series for the SciFi Drive's Star Wars Blogathon.

Anyone who looks back on the history of the original Star Wars trilogy from 1977 to 1983 will notice that the story arc took its characters on quests of discovery, revenge, self-preservation and escapes from tyranny. It was all very methodical and planned out.

But what about those unexpected side trips?

The history of the Rebel Alliance's battles against the evil Galactic Empire had been well-chronicled, campaign after campaign documented. Then there are little events that no one takes note of that really hold no importance as to how the battle sways. They happen, but they're never mentioned again.

You know: like Nicaragua.

So it happened that in November 17, 1978 (Earth time) a little known event in the battle against the Empire took place on the planet Kashyyyk, home of the Wookiees, and detailed the Imperial occupation of one particular household of suspected Rebel conspirator Chewbacca.

And did I mention the musical numbers?

The Star Wars Holiday Special tries to take the best of both worlds (or galaxies) and combine them into one big two-hour special that promises fun for the whole family. The problem is....

Well, let me explain it after this:

Han Solo (Harrison Ford) is racing the Millennium Falcon through an Imperial blockade to get co-pilot Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) to his home planet in order to celebrate Life Day, an important holiday for all Wookiees. Meanwhile, Chewie's family awaits him - consisting of his wife Malla, his father Itchy, and son Lumpy - however an Imperial detachment has stationed itself at Chewie's home, tipped off to Rebel activity and determined to get to the bottom of any anti-Imperial sentiment.

As you may have noticed, there are some familiar names in this Special, not to mention that we'll also be graced with the presence of Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), Princess Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher), C-3P0 (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 (Kenny Baker), just in case you'd forgotten what kind of a story this is.

And believe me, there will be times that you will forget.

How can I say that? Because in 1978, TV had this deal going on that any prime-time network special that centered around actors and characters from the big movie of the moment could present a microcosm of their filmic universe on the small screen - but at a price.

You see, the story itself is never enough. There has to be more for John Q. and Jane A. Public to plop down in front of their all-state TVs to watch - after all, the CBS suits insisted, why watch something on TV that the viewership could go to their local theater and see?

Sort of a reverse-logic on "Battlestar: Galactica" but anyway....

Like any other TV special in the Seventies, the suits knew they had to rely on the same content that buoyed the likes of "The Carol Burnett Show", "The Captain and Tenille" and "Donny and Marie"; vaudevillian comedy and lots of song and dance numbers.

Of course you may be rightly wondering to yourself, "But wait: this is a Star Wars special. I don't recall there being any singing or dancing in Star Wars, unless you count the cantina".

And right you are. There wasn't. And as far as the comedy, you can't very well have a two-hour loop of Chewie growling at that little Death Star droid, making it speed away.

Well...you could, but that's what we have YouTube for.

Not to worry, however. CBS had it covered. Just as NBC knew that no self-respecting KISS fan would watch their juke box heroes on TV without corny dialogue, cartoony music and albino werewolves in silver jumpsuits, so the logic of CBS prevailed and hired a writing team of Pat Proft (who wrote Bachelor Party and Police Academy), joke-writer extraordinaire Bruce Vilanch and a few others you've never heard of before or since concoct a story that somehow combines a galaxy far far away with Cirque de Soliel acrobats, cooking shows, comedy that was outdated in the late Sixties, Diahann Carroll and a cartoon.

All that's missing is a guy spinning plates in zero gravity and an alien Ed Sullivan popping up every so often to introduce the next act.

...is it unrealistic to ask, "What Happened??" I know I should keep my expectations low, but this low?

This is Star Wars we're talking about; it wouldn't start down the road to ruin until, say, the mid-Eighties when those stupid Ewok TV movies came out, or Christopher Lee predated his Count Dooku appearance and featured in 1982's A Very Star Wars Christmas. 1978 was WAY too early to dash the eager fanboy's hopes - we hadn't even gotten our action figures out of their packaging yet.

But the innocent few among you may say, "What could be so bad about this? A couple of songs, some comedy bits here and there. I was brave enough to survive the Star Wars crew's appearance on "Donny and Marie" a few months prior...I can make it through this. This is nothing."

Oh. Really.

Are you ready for Art Carney playing Ed Norton in space? As a trader named Saundan based on Kashyyyk, Art tries his level best to pretend there's a live audience - or at best a laugh track - as he labors over shtick both verbal and physical that would make Jackie Gleason shake his head in disgust (and it probably did). And what other galactic civilization wears glasses? Come on, Art: would it have killed you to hide them for a few minutes just to keep the "other universe" vibe going? HIS MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: taking a good minute of time to pantomime his way through opening a holographic music player for an Imperial officer.

Are you ready for Jefferson Starship playing a holographic rock band in space? And without Grace Slick, at that! It's not like she was busy, I'm sure, but "Light the Sky on Fire" isn't their best song; maybe she had pressing business with her hair or Paul Kantner warned her away ahead of time or something. At any rate, quasi-religious anthems have their place, but not in a TV special where their big scene is playing in a glowing purple box. THEIR MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: I'll swear to my dying day that lead singer Marty Balin is singing into a gigantic glowing purple condom wrapped around a fluorescent bulb. Didn't they have censors around for this kind of thing to NOT happen? Who will think of the children?!!

Are you ready for Diahann Carroll playing a masturbatory fantasy in space? Seriously: Diahann dons head-to-toe Christmas tinsel to play a projected fantasy for Itchy as he sits under a silver hair dryer with an 8-track tape stuck in it. She whispers sweet nothings into his malformed jaw (more on that later) and sings a song then, much like her career, she fades away. HER MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: telling Itchy how adorable he is three times at least while he wriggles underneath the hair dryer, chewing on his nose.

Are you ready for Bea Arthur playing Bea Arthur in space? As the new cantina owner of Tattooine (...or maybe it's the cantina down the street - a little competition's always healthy), Bea provides most of the dialogue in a bar full of familiar-looking aliens from the movie, including a giant rat left over from Bert I. Gordon's Food of the Gods. You know your special's in trouble when you spend a whole scene wishing Obi-Wan would come in and start cutting aliens' arms off, just to liven things up. Yeah, I'm a bad person, I'm sorry.... HER MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: Bea sings (Yes. Bea. Arthur. Sings.) a song to the cantina band's theme from Star Wars. You know, if I had wanted to watch Mame, I'd have watched Mame.

Are you ready for Harvey Korman playing three of the unfunniest comedy characters ever in space? As a four-armed cooking show host (in space), a six-fingered lovelorn alien with a hole in his head and a continually stalling human/droid hybrid, he'll remind no one of such past triumphs in Lord Love a Duck, Blazing Saddles and the Pink Panther series, not to mention "The Carol Burnett Show". How can someone so naturally funny be so criminally unfunny? The Star Wars Holiday Special answers that question quite harshly. HIS MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: all of them.

Like I said before, most of the original Star Wars cast is here, under both contractual obligations and duress no doubt. Mark Hamill under heavy makeup (due to an earlier car accident), Carrie Fisher under heavy sedation (just look at her eyes - she had more than a little something before the cameras rolled), Harrison Ford under heavy pressure (he seems to be more irritated here than he was in Empire) and Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew and Kenny Baker under heavy cover (for which I'm sure they are grateful). All of them slog along but fail to convince the viewer of their conviction to the cause. In this case, less Rebels vs Empire and more Komedy vs. Audience.

The new characters are even less important. Who knew Chewbacca had a family? And who in their right mind would have envisioned THIS family? Malla looks convincing enough I guess, even though her eyes are a bit scary-looking, especially considering her part is played by a guy (Mickey Morton). But Itchy (Paul Gale) - his bottom lip really does look as if it got caught in a revolving door and his brow is low enough to suggest a distant relative to Neanderthals...with very bad under-bites. The worst fate is handed down to little Itchy (played by a girl - Patty Maloney!), with big eyes and a bigger mouth, he puts you in the mind of Adam Rich starring in Teen Wolf III.

But the Chewie family dialogue? All grunts and howls and growls and grumbles and snorts. I loved Quest for Fire, but I never wanted to see a comedy/variety show based on its characters. At least in Star Wars there were humans for Chewie to play off, but solid minutes of Wookiee-speak with no translator in sight? Their scenes probably gave the writers a chance to just type: INSERT WOOKIEE NOISE HERE. Much easier for scripting, takes less paper too.

How about the cartoon, though? Halfway through the occupation of Chewie's house by Stormtroopers, black-helmeted secondaries and a commander who makes Grand Moff Tarkin come off as practically effete, Lumpy occupies himself on his little yellow mini-screen TV (I'm sorry, but what is it with all of these TVs in space????), and watches a nine minute-or-so cartoon based on Luke and company's first encounter with Boba Fett. Canadian animation company Nelvana does a passable job and the alien settings sure look alien enough, and the story itself is intriguing to watch, but maybe this cartoon is...how best to say it...oh well...too good for The Star Wars Holiday Special?

It is a good little distraction, and Ford, Hamill and Fisher reprise Han, Luke and Leia pretty well; even Daniels's Threepio is recognizable, which is good. But still, when your little filler cartoon - can we agree that this is filler? Good. - outshines and overshadows your whole TV special, what does it say about your special?

That it stinks, that's what.

In the end, when the Wookiee family is safe, Chewie reunites with them, they pick up glass balls, transport to a rocky set while wearing red robes, Luke and company appear for no reason, Leia sings a song (badly) and Chewie flashes back to scenes in Star Wars (some of which he never even took part in) and the Wookiees all celebrate what's left of Life Day as the credits roll, you - the die-hard Star Wars fan - realize that while this enterprise had Star Wars in the title, had the same characters, followed some familiar plot threads and even had the Wilhelm Scream, this was NOT a Star Wars special.

This was a burlesque without the naked ladies.

This was humiliation for anyone who ever owned a C-3P0 belt buckle.

This was darkness Darth Vader wouldn't touch.

No wonder James Earl Jones literally phoned in his part (or at least his voice): everyone else sure did.

George Lucas, after giving his blessing to the CBS suits to use his characters willy-nilly, swore he would hunt down every bootlegged copy of this and smash it - not like any OFFICIAL release of this would ever pass through Skywalker Ranch. Fair enough, but why not cut out the middle-man and just go back to that point in time where CBS first spoke to him and just smash the executives?

Trust me: avoid The Star Wars Holiday Special as if it were the sarlacc pit.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fight the frizzies.