1985 was the WORST Year for Movies - Part Seven

See this thing?

It's the Chevrolet Celebrity Wagon, Estate model. At the time of its release it was one of Chevy's most popular cars, especially with the simulated wood siding on it, there.

Then, after a few years, it fell by the wayside like everything else. Funny thing is, unlike a lot of other things that fell out of favor and then came back into vogue thanks in large part to the retro movement, the Chevrolet Celebrity Estate Wagon remained in obscurity. And now, none are on the road.

No, not even your granddad owns one. Even he has some pride.

Guess which year this particular model of the Celebrity came out.

Duh.

Now back to the topic at hand as we review our own film versions of the Chevrolet Celebrity Estate Wagon. No order is necessary.

FEVER PITCH

A movie about gambling? Sure, it's been done before. But with Ryan O'Neal? And Chad Everett? And with some of the most dull-witted tough-guy dialogue this side of a Fifties movies? Speaking of which, this plot of a reporter who looks into gambling, gets addicted, loses it all then gets it back by gambling more, then he's cured is just too stupid for words. Don't gamble on this garbage.




WILD GEESE II

I remember The Wild Geese. It was okay, and had some good actors in it - well, maybe okay actors at least. But why make a sequel that isn't really about any of those actors or even the same situations and more about having LAURENCE OLIVIER as Nazi war criminal Rudolf Hess. Scott Glenn is in this too and is bland and all but who cares - it has LAURENCE OLIVIER as Nazi war criminal Rudolf Hess. In fact, you want to know the worst, most embarrassing and most unnecessary thing about this whole unnecessary sequel? It has LAURENCE OLIVIER as Nazi war criminal Rudolf Hess.

THE SLUGGER'S WIFE

Neil Simon wrote a baseball movie? Well, kinda. Maybe it's more of a romance? Well, sorta. Is it at least funny? Well.... All that I can tell you about this one is it's no surprise that this is a Neil Simon script that fewer people have heard of than I Ought to Be In Pictures. It knows very little about baseball, even less about romance and more about contrivance that would make Bill Shakespeare do a facepalm. Michael O'Keefe and Rebecca De Mornay aren't so much mismatched lovers are they are misplaced actors. If they had charisma together that'd be one thing, but they don't. So it isn't. When your movie's homage to Singin' in the Rain feels forced, maybe you should read up more on the in-ground flyball rule.

SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE

Did you know Santa Claus was really a woodcutter (David Huddleston) saved from death by an elf (Dudley Moore)? Did you know that overzealous toy company presidents (John Lithgow) hate Sants Claus and want to do away with him by using elves with bright ideas to make even better toys? Did you know street kids who don't believe in Christmas OR Santa Claus just have to save elves from overzealous toy company presidents to believe again? Did you know that the director of 1984's Supergirl had more bad direction moves up his sleeve? Now you know.


NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET II: FREDDY'S REVENGE

I guess there was a demand for more Nightmares, but what about a Nightmare on Elm Street sequel that doesn't even feature Freddy until the last few minutes? Instead he just possesses a troubled teen and gets reborn through the kid's dreams - guaranteeing more surreal nightmarish moments and lotsa teen deaths. And Robert Englund...well, let's just say that he doesn't have to worry about too much exposure this time out. Keep in mind this came out in the same year as Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning - which is the perfect companion to this, content-wise. ...and no, that wasn't a compliment.

FLESH + BLOOD

Paul Verhoeven became famous for making movies WITH flesh and blood, but for this movie - a medieval drama about castle sieges and rapes and the plague and rapes and death and rapes - Verhoeven doesn't really show any of the style and flair he gave RoboCop and Total Recall. Or even The Fourth Man or Soldier of Orange. Rutger Hauer and Jennifer Jason Leigh deserve better, and so do you, dear viewer....




PERILS OF GWENDOLYNE

Okay, I'll be the first one to admit that those "adult" comic books (and when I say "adult", I mean ADULT) are not for everyone's taste, especially when they deal with girls who get into situations in which their prime objective is to get naked in every way possible. So who better to direct this unfocused mish-mosh than the guy who directed the first Emmanuelle movie and star it with Tawny Kitaen, Tom Hanks' fiancee from Bachelor Party and the hot chick who slid around on cars in those Whitesnake videos of yore? Women get naked, leather gets worn and Tawny is surrounded by actors you've never heard of before and will never see again. And a lot of the action centers around an elusive butterfly. Yep.

DAY OF THE DEAD

I liked Night of the Living Dead. It had context. I loved Dawn of the Dead. It had subtext. I hate Day of the Dead. It just had special effects. And they don't trot them out in full force but for the very beginning and the very end. Military types and scientists holed up in a bunker against the undead? Seen it. And better. When the most sympathetic character in your zombie movie is a zombie (yay, Bub!), your movie's pretty much screwed. George A. Romero, shame on you.

LADYHAWKE

Richard Donner directed The Goonies the same year as this - guess all his attention went to John Matuzak and the kids. Medieval mysticism ensues as Michelle Pfeiffer and Rutget Hauer (again??) play cursed lovers and Matthew Broderick slums it up as a teenaged malcontent better suited for John Hughes. And when your light-hearted-magic-and-romance-movie's color palette consists of shades of gray, that just ain't very super...man.



GODZILLA 1985

I hear the Japanese version of this is much better, just like the 1954 Gojira is better than the Americanized version. In any event, it would almost HAVE to be edited together better. No matter how you cut it - with all the familiarly chintzy effects and Raymond Burr reprising his weary, slapped-in role yet again and popping up every so often - this is so choppy and meandering that you will pine for the subtle nuances of Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster. Yes you will.

And with that, I can now say that I have finally come to the uh wait a minute what...WHAT?! I'M STILL NOT DONE??!!!!!! I STILL HAVE MORE MOVIES TO GET THROUGH??!

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF??! ARRGGHHHGLLLLARRRGH!!!

Sorry. Caught myself off guard.

Okay...anyway, come back next time, when I reveal two science fiction movies worse than Dune (you heard me), a gathering of B-movie legends gone awry and a comedy so outstandingly bad not even the power of Judge Reinhold can save it.

Dope out.

-TGWD