1985 was the WORST Year for Movies - Part Six

I know there's going to be a few movies in this series that many of you won't agree with. And I'm fine with that. After all, if we all agreed on every topic and liked the same thing, then Carrot Top would be President.

Just go with me on that one, I'm making a point.

Understand, however, that there's a lot of pain and anger towards the product here as well. This IS 1985 we're talking about after all, and I don't think it's unreasonable to believe that this was not only a year of pain and misery but also one where many different things were tried and also failed miserably.

It just so happens that many of the new things that were tried were filmed and shown at your local theater.

There's nothing unreasonable about that at all - it's just the truth.

So, fellow scarred children of the Eighties, join me as we trudge bravely through the boulevard of broken dreams and review some more choice agony of a painful year. As random as it ever was....

TURK 182!

So, instead of another Porky's sequel, Bob Clark did a film about fighting bureaucracy. He should have stuck with Pee Wee. Kim Cattrall and Edward Winter show up from past Porky's installments, but then so does Tim Hutton, Peter Boyle and Robert Culp, too! None of whom do anything for themselves but incriminate by association. They try to be heroic and make a statement, but the only statement made by Turk 182! is "duhhhh...".






YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES

A lot of talent went into this movie; Barry Levinson directed, Chris Columbus wrote, Steven Spielberg produced, Industrial Light and Magic provided an impressive effect of a stained glass window coming to life...but everything else was so cobbled together out of bits and pieces of story lines that worked in other movies and so thoroughly trashed the work of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle that the entire affair has been all but forgotten. Do YOU remember Sherlock Holmes meeting John Watson in an English boarding school? Didn't think so....





GHOULIES

What's worse than a ripoff of a successful movie? A ripoff of a successful movie done by ripoff artists whom have never watched the successful movie they were ripping off before making their own ripoff. Ghoulies deals with people who resurrect a vengeful warlock in a castle somewhere...and a by-product is that these little rubbery creatures pop up from behind props and wiggle around. I don't even think any of the cast members react to any of these Ghoulies at any time. I'd say this was a waste of resources, but I don't think very many resources were used in making this one.





AMERICAN FLYERS

Oh good; a sequel to Breaking Away - only it has nothing to do with Breaking Away, doesn't have any of the first movie's characters (or actors for that matter) in it, it's set in the middle of the desert and it sucks. This was also the year that Kevin Costner made it big thanks to Silverado, but if this was all he had to hitch his star to, he'd only be best-remembered as the best fry cook that Denny's ever had. Is it me or were Quest for Fire and Commando (another 1985 anomaly) the only good movies Rae Dawn Chong's ever been in?





INTO THE NIGHT

I know, I know: John Landis is a funny director guy. On one hand, Animal House. On the other, The Stupids. Back on the first hand, though, Trading Places. Returning to the other hand however, THIS movie. To be honest, I don't really even remember what the movie was about, save that it had Jeff Goldblum and Michelle Pfeiffer in it. And they were running. And Landis plays one of a quartet of Iranian hitmen after them. And lots of people die. Ha-ha? The Blues Brothers may have been as chaotic but there was a good story and lots of good music in that one. And while a good actor, Jeff Goldblum can only carry so much of a movie. Poor guy....




ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS

This has to be one the most depressing damned movies I've ever seen in my life - AND IT'S A CHRISTMAS MOVIE! Mary Steenburgen has never been more put-upon in a movie before or since, even when she played Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings in 1983's Cross Creek. Hey, I'm all for slice-of-life films, but not ones where the slices are all of a rotten, maggot-riddled pie filled with black splotches and green mold...and there's only one very small piece of good fruit in the whole thing! Max Ophuls was more upbeat than these guys! And it's a Disney film - boy, they were on a roll in 1985, weren't they?





DUNGEONMASTER

When it takes seven directors and eight writers to make a movie that isn't even 80 minutes long, you not only have a lot of trouble right off the bat, but a pretty good candidate for Worst Concept Ever For A Movie since Marion Davies stepped under the klieg lights. And when the whole idea centers around a computer nerd learning that his girlfriend is more important than his PC, you could have saved the producers a lot of money by just having Charles Band come to your house to slap you in the face. Same results.






VOLUNTEERS

What? Tom Hanks was in bad movies? Worse than Every Time We Say Goodbye? Worse than The Money Pit? Worse than The 'Burbs? Well, let's not get carried away, but Volunteers doesn't do anyone any favors with Hanks as a rich snob who joins the Peace Corps to get away from gambling debts. Not even Gedde Watanabe and John Candy help matters, nor does Tim Thomerson, the Grand Old Man of B-Movies. This is where Hanks met future wife Rita Wilson, and we all know how well on-set romances effect the final product; just look at Taylor and Burton's Cleopatra....





PRIVATE RESORT

Pre-fame Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow in a stupid beach sex comedy? Yep, and they also brought along Andrew Dice Clay, Hector Elizondo and Dody Goodman, none of whom do anything worth the extra effort of having Andrew Dice Clay, Hector Elizondo or Dody Goodman in front of the camera. Geez, when you have to count on Andrew Dice Clay to get laughs in a comedy....








STITCHES

Well, when you look at all the comedies that were made in the Eighties, there are bound to be a few of them that rip on other more successful themes. But since 1985 already had Bad Medicine for the Police Academy-in-a-hospital idea, all that Stitches could do was get the token Asian Stereotype Guy from the Police Academy movies. Then throw in Parker Stevenson, Eddie Albert and The Unknown Comic WITHOUT his paper bag. Oh, and some of the unfunniest gags, jokes and situations in a movie posing as a medical comedy since...well, since Bad Medicine. You'd get more laughs having an emergency appendectomy.



Come on, tell me you can argue with these. Yeah, just come on and try - they couldn't stink worse if they were made of limburger.

Join me again next time when we tackle FOUR of the worst sequels ever, the biggest lump of coal ever mined and a sports romance that had nothing to do with neither.

Dope out.

- TGWD