1985 was the WORST Year for Movies - Part Eight

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah...

I HATE 1985!!!!!!!!

Clear enough?

It should be by now, fercryinoutloud....

We have plenty more to get through, so let's get to 'em, out of as much order as possible.


CREATURE

You know, the world just can't have enough Alien ripoffs. Especially when they feature Klaus Kinski as an unstable scientist...holy cow, is it me or was this guy typecast out the wazoo? And even in a movie like this you expect a few surprises, but no: ill-fated pre-credit expedition, later manned mission, alien is introduced, mission members get slaughtered, alien chases survivors, alien gets destroyed, surviving members go home. Sorry to spoil it for you...actually, no I'm not. You don't need to see this one.


THE MEAN SEASON

Remember when Kurt Russell was trying to break out of his Disney mold by being the bad boy hero in films like Escape from New York and The Thing? Here, he regresses as a bland news reporter who gets phone calls from a serial killer before he kills. This is based on a book which almost certainly must have been better. And as his girlfriend, Mariel Hemingway plays her second uninteresting role in the same year. Boring, bland and stiff - not a good combination.




BARBARIAN QUEEN

Aside from a cool poster and a definite Conan the Barbarian vibe, there was already Red Sonja to prove that no one was interested in this genre anymore. Did they need to just load this one full of babes with breechcloths and swords? Well, of course; how else can you expect it to play on Skinemax? I've never heard of anyone in this cast and neither have you - unless you just happen to go to the same aerobics classes they hired these actresses from.

[EDIT] ...in fact, the only fame Barbarian Queen has is the fate of one of its stars, Lana Clarkson. Thanks to TheAnswerMVP2001 for the heads-up.


MUGSY'S GIRLS

Ruth Gordon was in this. So was Laura Branigan. It was about college-age lady wrestlers. Now you know the plot.









RAPPIN'

Golan-Globus was into everything in the Eighties. They already had two break-dancing movies in 1984; why not one movie about rapping in 1985? Mario Van Peebles had to have the work, I guess, but in a movie about the mean streets and the guys and gals who rap in them? You can't make a career out of a Golan-Globus movie, even if your name IS Van Peebles. Thank God he had "Sonny Spoon" to fall back on.






A CHORUS LINE

I know: this is based on an award-winning Broadway play, has lots of great music and blahblahblah...but this is still one of the most UNmusical musicals I've ever seen. Not even Michael Douglas can save it - but at least he doesn't try to sing in it, so there's a plus. Everyone else is just going through the motions in something that has no soul, no heart and no rhythm. It does have Audrey Landers in spandex, though.





LUST IN THE DUST

I don't get it. Paul Bartel directed this. Divine and Tab Hunter starred together again as they did in John Waters' Polyester. Lainie Kazan and Cesar Romero were featured players. It was a comedy. A western comedy. About a treasure with the map tattooed on some ladies' butts - including Divine's. Oh. Wait...I get it now. Yeah, it belongs here. Never mind.






DEF-CON 4

A post-apocalyptic action exploitation film can be fun but not this one. Look at the poster: you'd expect big effects, some spacecraft, maybe. Even some of these guys in suits like in the poster. But forget it - this is more like Mad Max without the cool cars, explosive action, creative direction and Mel Gibson. I don't even think the writer knew what was going on here; I sure didn't.






SILVER BULLET

Another Stephen King movie based on a novella. That describes about 90% of all Stephen King movies. But what about ones with handicapped kids (Corey Haim!!!) in rocket-powered wheelchairs modified by their shiftless uncles (Gary Busey!!!) who live in picturesque rural towns populated with colorful folk who, among their number, is a murderous werewolf? That's enough to make any movie stand out, but only if it were better written, better acted and not so cornball and stupid. The Shining and Carrie are great examples of King books-to-movies. Silver Bullet sits firmly on the opposite end of the scale.


HEAD OFFICE

Another missed opportunity. How can this be a more-missed opportunity than Lust in the Dust? Because it's a comedy about corporate America and the higher-level shenanigans that go on from boardroom to bedroom and it stars Danny DeVito, Rick Moranis, Jane Seymour and the ever-funny Judge Reinhold. Yes, Judge Reinhold - who was terrific in Beverly Hills Cop and even shined in a hurtful flick like Pandemonium (which I'll get to eventually). Judge never gets one opportunity to shine like he usually does, since it's all this movie can do to make a joke or a funny scene stick. And when you put Don King and Father Guido Sarducci in the same movie and not make it funny, you've got problems. Head Office has LOTS of problems.

You know, as hard as it is to believe, and for as long as I've been keeping this series going, I really only have one more installment to go before watching 1985 crumble to pieces and dissolve into its base materials to provide fertile soil to grow more productive years like 1986 and 1988. All part of nature - bad gives way to good.

For my last installment, we'll see Emilio Estevez finally get his big 1985 moment, an art film that gives a bad name to Christopher Lambert and the absolute worst sequel ever conceived of in the history of modern man...and no, it has nothing to do with Pauly Shore. This time.

Dope out.

- TGWD