the greatest love ep 15

I am slightly behind with updating this. I write this now in October, but I am writing about events 6 or 7 months ago, and a lot has happened since then (or not depending on how you look at it). Anyway, back to the story.

Left alone with my thoughts

I really find myself lost at the moment. I don’t know how much strength I have. This whole thing with Kelli has been a huge learning experience for me. I don’t know if I have it in me to carry on. I feel like I am walking out to sea against the waves.

But its not life that is the waves trying to knock me off my feet. It’s Kelli.

Since the last message in March, she made it clear that she did not want to “do this” any more, whatever “THIS” was. Despite telling me she had “decided” to be with me back in October, and that was her taking 6 weeks out to think about it all back then.

Despite not being there, every time she disappears, for whatever reason, its like slapping me in the face. I can understand a week, a few weeks, but nearly 2 months at a time. And its happened repeatedly since we first met on-line nearly 3 years ago. So for 3 years, she has just kept slapped me in the face.

I’m out of answers. Out of suggestions. Out of options.

And now it appears, out of her life. Again.

I find myself analysing old emails, re-reading old msn conversations, trying to work out hidden meanings, see beyond just simple words and try to understand if I have upset her, done something wrong.

I pray for her to find peace within herself, I pray for her to find enlightenment. I pray to know how this thing is going to turn out.

Everyday I seek peace of mind, to slow and calm my thoughts. These thoughts constantly seek truth and for things to make sense. I guess if I am honest, that Kelli leaves me wanting to ask more questions, because so far, I have not been satisfied with the answers.

I have sent her emails BEGGING her to get in contact. I have left my address, mobile and home numbers. She never calls. I would call her. I get 200 free minutes a month to call anywhere in the world. I got these so we could speak to each other. But I have no number for her.

She has said on numerous occasions that she will get a phone, but still I have no way of getting a hold of her. Its either not important enough to her to have contact with me, or who knows. Don’t people in love want to talk to people that they love?

Everything that I feel for her fades a fraction every day, and I am scared that one day, I will wake up and she will be nothing but a memory. More than she is already.

Maybe I am trying too hard. Maybe I should let her bare some of the responsibility. But I want to be there for her, even when things are shit for her. Which they must be. I don’t know what her issues are. She does not let me in and I feel completely alone.