The Worst Posters EVER!!! Part 4

My latest installment of this series brings to mind the following observation:

You know what? When it comes to the world of really bad movie poster making, the United States is really lacking.

I mean look at it this way; you've seen posters from India, posters from Poland, posters from Mexico and the ever-popular posters from South Africa; all of them have a multitude of quirks that are not only at odds with the movies they are supposed to represent but they are also going off on so many different tangents that you really wonder what conflicts were battling in the minds of the artists responsible. This is like a psych evaluation with every viewing.

American movie posters, in comparison, are just too darned lazy. They take a picture or paint it, then that's it. Any badness is usually due to laziness or Photo Shopping.

Or the fact that the movie itself was such a bad idea that just presenting it in plain old "there it is" terms just doesn't work as well as just flat-out lying about what it is.

And so there you have the idea of the badness you have here in North American poster making, bless its untalented heart.

We shall now delve into the next five good examples we have of badness, home-grown. And we start with one I'd been promising a long while and FINALLY found!

























HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING

Okay, the movie was bad enough to begin with, but why make Chris Lambert wear a coat made out of a freshly-skinned Sean Connery? And you gotta love that soulful longing look Chris gives us: "oh God, WHY did I say "yes" to this thing? WHY??!" Like the starry background and planet in the lower-right corner weren't going to give the innocent viewer a bad Dune-ish vibe.



























THE BEES

Remember that horror movie about the gigantic drooling bees that attacked Bikini Beach? No? That's because it hadn't been made (yet); not that this poster gave the fact any never-mind. And no one gets eaten by bees herein; just plain-old stung by killer bees. And with Dracula fangs??? No one ever said that b-movies got to where they were by being honest. Not that a flesh-eating gigantic killer bee movie wouldn't be nice....


























LABOR PAINS

Okay; an overly painted-over Lindsay Lohan is one thing. An overly painted-over Lindsay Lohan without a neck is an entirely different thing. But an overly painted-over Lindsay Lohan with no neck trying to hold a book like she's pregnant only to make it look more like her breasts are REALLY big and REALLY droopy? That's something no one should have envisioned. Must have been the drugs....


























SURVIVAL RUN

I know this is supposed to be one of those "fight for survival" movies, but it looks like a Molly Hatchet album cover got Rick-Rolled. The look on the guy's face is like, "Hey, how the heck did I get on this thing?", and the girl shooting the gun looks more suited to a slap fight with Tiffany Amber-Thiessen. If they were gonna put anyone from the movie on here, I'd much rather had seen Ray Milland astraddle the hog. THAT would have put people in the theater.



























PARTY MONSTER

If that girl's eating Macaulay Culkin's brains, she must really like light food. I'm sorry. Seriously, for a movie that doesn't even have cannibalism (I think), is this the right marketing campaign? And what's with the eclectic lineup on the bottom: also starring The San Diego Chicken, Mike Myers as another Scottish Stereotype, Perez Hilton, will.i.am and a depressing cameo by Justin Long. I think we've got issues in the art department, here...

Yeesh. Not to worry, though; I still have plenty to go through in order to prove my point. At least now we got Highlander II out of the way.

Dope out.

- TGWD