Parasite (1982)

I'm not really one to complain (much) when it comes to watching the movies that I watch. Okay, maybe I do complain a little. Or a lot. In spite of that, I pretty much understand that, by and large, these are going to be harmful endeavors for my neurons. By this point in blogging about bad movies, my brain has pretty much stopped talking to me.

And I can't say that I blame my brain; when it comes to these movies, I suspect many of my internal organs are going to go AWOL any day now...but before I wake up and find my pancreas crawling away, I will put to you that this latest review centers on a film that not only wasn't worth the time and effort but could have not been made and no one would ever have noticed.

1982 was a banner year for the entertainment industry. After all, this was the year that gave us such incredibly entertaining movies as Tron, Blade Runner, The Thing, E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Poltergeist, First Blood, Conan The Barbarian, Gandhi, Rocky III, Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan, The Road Warrior, the list goes on and on - lots of great titles and I think I've pretty much seen 'em all.

Nothing is perfect, however, and we cannot have the best films ever made in what must be the best year for movies since 1939 came about without having some of the WORST movies come out that same year. Karma, you know.

And with this in mind, I will now re-introduce you to a man whose name you'll recall from my review for Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn - Charles Band.

Yep. Charlie. Remember him? Sure you do; how could you forget Charlie? The low-budget, low-concept movie guy who gave the world titles like Crash!, Trancers, Meridian, Prehysteria!, Petrified, Hideous!, Ragewar and some titles that had more than one word and no punctuation at all. For the purposes of this review, however, he also gave a chance for an up-and-coming young actress to feature in her very first theatrical film in this, one of Band's many efforts.

The movie was Parasite, and the actress was Demi Moore.

I'm sorry, did I say "actress"? Slap me if you will and sic that big mean bully Ashton Kutcher on me, but Demi Moore is NOT an actress.

You read me.

Follow me on this: she started out as a model, got her performing break in the made-for-TV movie Choices, starred in some big-budget dealies here and there, but in none of her efforts did she EVER act. Ever. Not even a little.

Demi has kept the same blank face, empty eyes, dazzling smile and husky voice in every part she's ever had, but never did any conspicuous acting, even around the empty eyes. Of course, that's the same credentials Victor Mature brought to the table in his career, too, so there you go.

Oh sure, she pumped iron and shaved her head for G.I. Jane, learned to bump and grind in Striptease and got $40,000 worth of body work done for Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle but let's face it, they weren't plum for acting opportunities, those flicks. Even in films like A Few Good Men, The Juror and Deconstructing Harry, she was never able to generate much character in her acting. No matter what part she played she was just Demi Moore. And that's about it.

Now she's just more of a celebrity figurehead - someone better known for their appearance than any actual talent. You know plenty of them, I'm sure, like George Hamilton...Carrot Top...the now-sainted Anna Nicole Smith.... But even that eclectic crew never plumbed the depths of cinematic depravity that Demi has in this focus of my energies today. Well, maybe Anna Nicole....

Back to Mister Band for a moment: our old pal Charles was up to his old tricks and in his full-blown '80s glory when he had Demi sign on the dotted line (with her own blood, no doubt) to be in his futuristic opus Parasite, opposite his other big drawing card: 3-D. That's right, this one's a 3-D flick, kids! And believe me, it shows.

Breaking it down now: Set in the distant, unattainable year of 1992 AD, ten years after a limited nuclear war has destroyed most of the USA and violent punk gangs overrun the cities like Mad Max without the excitement, scientist Paul Dean (Robert Glaudini) has developed a new form of leech-like parasite which can grow to large portions every time it eats. And believe me, it gets plenty of opportunities to eat herein.

It's not long before evil government agents (like there's any other kind) storm his lab, forcing Paul to flee deep in the nearby desert where he is pursued by a merchant/government agent named Wolf (James Davidson) intent on reclaiming the last two parasites Paul has; one in a silver container, the other in Paul's abdomen. Of course - that's where I put all of mine.

Paul seeks shelter in a small desert town populated by scavengers which threaten his work (because that's where scavengers hang out), while a local girl named Patrica Wells (Moore), forms an alliance with Paul to help him find a way to kill the parasite within him without killing himself, as well as find a way to kill the other one which gets loose and will soon multiply into many thousands unless killed soon.

Blood, nudity (yes, including Demi), special effects and low budgets ensue. All in 3-D. Wow.

Parasites jump at you. Blood sprays at you. Many other objects jump out at you, too, in that typical red lens/blue lens fashion so prominent in the early Eighties. Almost makes you forget about what's not going on talent-wise behind all those effects.

Oh, and Demi's character loves lemons. A lot. They call her "The Lemon Girl" at one point. Just thought I'd let you know.

The movie itself is typical Band drivel used as a test reel for some of the worst special effects ever. Mind you, I don't care whether they're bloody or disgusting or not. If they're realistic, that's fine. I can appreciate craftsmanship when it's there. The problem with the work done by Lance Anderson, Richard Davidson and....wait, is this right? Uhh...yeah, I guess it is. And Stan Winston. Yes, the same Stan Winston who did effects for The Terminator movies, Aliens, Iron Man and Avatar. Gotta start somewhere, I guess. The problem is that the effects just aren't as good as what you'd expect in a movie about flesh-eating creatures living in a guy's stomach.

Of course, Parasite comes with that special shine only the Eighties brought with it. Something that's just inherent with the look of Chuckie's Eighties product - you know that look; you saw most of it on Cinemax. But then there's Demi. She's pretty, yes, and she looks good nude, too (BTW, this is BEFORE Striptease, so don't expect as much enhancement here) but she still cannot act. She stares, fidgets, grimaces, shouts and cries, but doesn't act. Not an easy thing to do, all of that without acting. Try it sometime.

At least everyone else tries to act like they're in a movie with flesh-eating creatures, Glaudini sweats and frets as appropriately as possible under the circumstances. Luca Bercovici plays gang leader Ricus as nastily as necessary, which is a good thing. There's even small parts for recognizable actors like Scott Thomson (Copeland from the Police Academy flicks), Tom Villard (the tall, gangly guy from TV's "We've Got It Made") and Cherie Currie has a small but memorable role, but her real life is far more memorable when you consider some of her best work was with two ladies named Joan Jett and Lita Ford.

Still, the script by Metalstorm scripter Alan J. Adler serves the purpose to showcase 3D effects and little else. In a movie like Parasite, effects are job number one, whereas acting is job...what, twelve or thirteen. If MST3K were still around, I'm sure they would have loved to have gotten their hot little hands on this one. Heck, I would have loved to have seen what they could have done with it, myself. Ah well, with that denied us, we can always rent Parasite and play "MST3K - The Home Game".

But Band ain't no dummy; he made this film for $800,000 and it went on to earn $7 million. That's known as efficient film-making, folks, and that's why Charles Band is as rich and powerful in B-Movie Land as he is: because he knows that movies with flesh-eating creatures and gouts of blood don't need to have large budgets. People will watch them regardless, so why over-spend?

Amazing as it is, even with a product like Parasite under her belt, Demi Moore has had a long career in Hollywood dong the same exact thing she did in this movie: just standing there, looking cute.

I guess if you can make a living out of it, you might as well make all the money you can doing it.

Just like Victor Mature would...starring alongside flesh-eating creatures.