Sgt, Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)

Star-studded extravaganzas are not a new idea; there's thousands of them.

Musicals are not a new idea; there's hundreds of them.

Beatles movies are not a new idea; there's a few of them.

But an all-star Beatles musical? That doesn't even STAR The Beatles? That's a new one.

You'll have to forgive the late-Seventies; not only did Hollywood not know what they were doing, they were trying a lot of things that didn't make sense. I blame the drugs.

As we look deep into the carved tablets of Bad Movie Ideas brought down from atop Mount WhatWereTheyThinkin, you and I both know we will discover titles the likes of Heaven's Gate, Inchon, Cleopatra, Harry and Walter Go To New York and the like. These are not the ONLY bad movies ever made, though. After all, we have a whole slew of horrible filmed ideas that have the word "musical" mixed somewhere into their description.

Remember my review of At Long Last Love? I mentioned so many bad musicals in my description of what had to be one of the less-intelligent embodiments of such a genre product that to simply repeat their names would be a futile exercise, like screaming after your locked car as it slowly rolls downhill towards the river.

At any rate, in 1978 there came a film that was so utterly wrong, so obtuse and such an ungainly slap in the face of musicals that the only response could be total slack-jawed, glassy-eyed, head-scratching, fist-shaking rejection. In other words, it was made to be reviled.

It started out so promising: mega-bucks producer Robert Stigwood had been successful for taking what seemed like unsure properties and garnering great success. He did so with record companies (RSO Records), singers (Mick Jagger, Rod Stewart, David Bowie) and even dabbled in producing musicals in London's West End ("Jesus Christ Superstar", "Evita") and then into film, lending a producing hand to films as diverse as Grease, Saturday Night Fever, Bugsy Malone and Gallipoli...which is where we find him for our present discussion.

Because since Stigwood felt comfortable working on musicals, his next big idea was to create a musical based on former partner Brian Epstein's best-known endeavor: The Beatles.

Before we get ahead of ourselves, let's go back in time for a moment: in 1974 a live Broadway show was produced by Stigwood called Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band on the Road, which, successful or not, damn it, Stigwood had the rights to 29 Beatles songs and he was determined to do something with them. Soon after the Broadway play, Stig (if I may) contacted Henry Edwards, a music analyst WHO HAD NEVER WRITTEN A MOVIE SCRIPT IN HIS LIFE, to do the script for a movie based on these 29 Beatles songs.

You read that right: HENRY EDWARDS HAD NEVER WRITTEN A MOVIE SCRIPT IN HIS LIFE. And so Stig handed him the sheet music and made him write script pages to stitch between them.

Greaaat....

So what kind of a bright idea was this? We all know the Fab Four had been in some pretty cool movies (A Hard Day's Night, Help!) but had been out of the film-making world since Yellow Submarine. There's no way they were going to be involved with something as poised for disaster as this. So, what to do? If we can't get John, Paul, George and Ringo to play themselves, what can be done?

In short, Stig went with Barry, Robin, Maurice and Peter.

The story: in World War I, an Army band led by one blond-haired, peachy-cheeked white boy Sergeant Pepper (remember all that, now) helps their troops win the war by playing music so beautifully that both sides stop fighting. His instruments are said to have magical powers, that sort of thing, and they and the Sarge persevere for many decades after. Long after Sarge bites the big one, his legacy is passed down to grandson Billy Shears (Peter Frampton) and Billy's best friends Mark (Barry Gibb), Dave (Robin Gibb) and Bob (Maurice Gibb) Henderson, all of whom form a modern-day Lonely Hearts Club Band in the small town of Heartland, as tended by its mayor, Mr. Kite (George Burns).

However, the band is soon tempted with an offer to make it big as rock performers under the watchful, evil eye of Mister Mustard (Frankie Howerd) and the auspices of Big Deal Records, headed by B.D. Hoffler (Donald Pleasance). They soon make it big and get famous, but start to lose touch with their small-town beginnings, as Billy loses touch with his girlfriend Strawberry Fields (Sandy Farina).

As the LHCB goes through many adventures to try and find themselves again and regain their stolen magical instruments, they must fight against the machinations of a gigantic music industry conglomerate and fight against such villains as Dr. Maxwell (Steve Martin), the Future Villain Band (Aerosmith) and the Sun King (Alice Cooper) before a climax involving almost every big name star of 1978 who didn't mind having their name sullied by appearing in a climax of the movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

A flurry of advertising, promotions, talking-up and memorabilia made the rounds, promising that Beatle-Mania would flood the Earth yet again (as if it had ever left). Of course, we had the promise of seeing lots of stars, some pop idols all the teeny-boppers of the day got all flustered for and there was the added fact that, although the actual Beatles would not be in attendance, their songs would be voiced by the likes of Peter Frampton, The Bee Gees, Aerosmith, Earth Wind and Fire and Stargard, baby! Woo!

Okay, I got caught up in the Seventies vibe for a second. I'm better now. What about all this, though; what, for the lack of a better word, went kerflooey with the movie?

For one thing, we have a problem with casting. Even if you can cast actors as singers (go watch My Fair Lady for a illustration of how this worked out for Audrey Hepburn) you should never, ever, ever cast singers as actors, especially in a production as huge as this. Sure, The Beatles did the same kind of thing and had great luck. But they had a talent OUTSIDE of their music. They all had class, charm, looked comfortable riffing off each other and were effortlessly funny. What can you say, then, about actors who you don't even hear SPEAK during the whole movie?? I know, I know; they were all British and supposed to be all-American boys, but couldn't they have at least TRIED to speak with an American accent (at least Michael Caine tried to in Hurry Sundown, fercrynoutloud)?

Instead, this is all narrated by George Burns, who also provides the only class in the acting department. After all, this IS George Burns we're talking about. He could do anything.

There's also Billy Shears' poor, pretty dead-weight young love interest Strawberry Fields. Audible face palm. Betcha can't guess which song SHE'S named for. As played by Sandy Farina, who also starred in...well, nothing. This was her first and last acting credit. She might have had a future in Hollywood, but she probably made the mistake of watching the final result and got scared off. Can't blame her; she had a better career as a singer, anyway.

And the constant placement of actors/comics who are best-known for their overacting, scenery-chewing and mugging fill the rest of the space. Frankie Howerd (from the British Carry On films, this being his last film appearance), Donald Pleasance (whose record speaks for itself) and Paul Nicholas (who did score a hit in the Seventies with the song "Heaven on the 7th Floor"...released by RSO Records. Hmmm...cast after an exhaustive search, y'think?) fill this bill quite well, which isn't necessarily a good thing.

Of course, when it comes to comic effect, we must examine the contributions of Steve Martin as Doctor Maxwell Edison. Here, he is in full "wild-and-crazy-guy" mode, dancing around a stylized operating room, smacking the Fab Faux in their collective head with silver hammers. True, Steve did us all a great service by cutting-up with the dance moves and speak-singing "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" as he did, but remember: this was before he honed his craft. There's a lot to be said for the good old days, though.

Then there's a finale in which "Our Friends At Heartland" all gather and sing the title song to an overhead camera. This scene is the most astounding, seeing as it has everybody in it. I mean EVERYBODY. Yes. Everybody. Don't believe me? Look at this list of the people who participate in this last scene (thanks, Wikipedia):

* Peter Allen, Australian singer, Academy award-winning songwriter and entertainer
* Keith Allison, member of Paul Revere and the Raiders.
* George Benson, jazz guitarist, R&B musician; he recorded "The Other Side of Abbey Road", with his versions of the Beatles songs in 1969.
* Keith Carradine
* Carol Channing
* Charlotte Crossley, Sharon Redd and Ula Hedwig, (the Harlettes, Bette Midler's back-up singers).
* Jim "Dandy" Mangrum, vocalist of southern rock band Black Oak Arkansas.
* Sarah Dash, member of Patti LaBelle and the Bluebelles and LaBelle.
* Rick Derringer, guitarist, member of the McCoys ("Hang on Sloopy"), Steely Dan and The Edgar Winter Group.
* Barbara Dickson, RSO Records recording artist, cast member of John, Paul, George, Ringo....and Bert, a musical co-produced by Robert Stigwood.
* Donovan, British recording artist, and Beatles friend.
* Randy Edelman, film and tv score composer
* Yvonne Elliman, who had a hit with the Bee Gees "If I Can't Have You" from Saturday Night Fever (1977)
* José Feliciano, Puerto Rican singer and guitarist
* Leif Garrett, teen idol
* Adrian Gurvitz, English singer/songwriter
* Billy Harper, jazz saxophonist
* Eddie Harris, jazz saxophonist
* Heart, American rock band featuring sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson
* Nona Hendryx, member of Patti LaBelle and the Bluebelles and LaBelle.
* Barry Humphries, Australian comedian, appears as his alter ego Dame Edna Everage.
* Etta James, American blues, R&B, and gospel singer.
* Dr. John an American singer/songwriter
* Bruce Johnston, member of the Beach Boys
* Big Bad Adam, cameraman
* BJ Malcolm, bird enthusiast/wallpaper
* Joe Lala, percussionist
* D.C. LaRue, disco musician
* Jo Leb
* Marcella Detroit,(as Marcy Levy), musician, singer, songwriter who, at the time had worked with Bob Seger and Bruce Springsteen.
* Mark Lindsay, lead singer of Paul Revere and the Raiders
* Nils Lofgren, member of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band.
* Jackie Lomax, guitarist, singer/songwriter, friend of George Harrison
* John Mayall, English blues singer and songwriter
* Curtis Mayfield, American soul, funk and R&B singer, songwriter and guitarist
* "Cousin Brucie" Morrow, an American radio personality
* Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits
* Alan O'Day, American singer-songwriter, "Undercover Angel"
* Lee Oskar, founder, with Eric Burdon, of War
* The Paley Brothers (Andy and Jonathan Paley)
* Robert Palmer
* Wilson Pickett
* Anita Pointer of The Pointer Sisters
* Bonnie Raitt
* Helen Reddy, Australian singer and actress. In 1976, Reddy covered the Beatles song "The Fool on the Hill" for the musical documentary All This and World War II.
* Minnie Riperton, American soul singer
* Chita Rivera, Broadway actress, singer and dancer.
* Johnny Rivers, American rock and roll singer, songwriter, guitarist and producer.
* Monti Rock III, had a cameo in Saturday Night Fever and a disco hit "Get Dancin'"
* Danielle Rowe
* Sha-Na-Na, appeared in both the Broadway musical and the film Grease, and the Grease soundtrack, on RSO Records, performed at Woodstock.
* Del Shannon, American rock and roll artist
* Joe Simon, American soul and R&B artist
* Jim Seals and Dash Crofts
* Connie Stevens, actress
* John Stewart, American folk singer, member of The Kingston Trio, RSO recording artist
* Tina Turner, American R&B/rock singer, covered the Beatles song "Come Together" for the musical documentary All This and World War II.
* Frankie Valli, singer, founding member of the The Four Seasons rock and roll group.
* Gwen Verdon, broadway and film actress and dancer, had appeared in the musical "Dancin'"
* Diane Vincent
* Eric Voge, Actor,Producer,Friend of Peter Frampton and Ringo Starr
* Grover Washington, Jr., jazz-funk musician
* Hank Williams, Jr., country, southern rock and blues musician
* Johnny Winter, American blues singer and guitarist, performed at Woodstock
* Wolfman Jack
* Bobby Womack, R&B and soul singer and songwriter
* Alan White, drummer for Yes, also played on recordings with John Lennon and George Harrison.
* Lenny White, jazz/funk drummer
* Gary Wright, "Dream Weaver", friend of George Harrison

Yeah; who needs a script when you have all that?

(EDIT - I have to revise something: remember when I said that The Beatles would have nothing at all to do with Sgt. Pepper's LHCB? I stand corrected: it seems in the finale that there, lurking in the shadows and probably standing behind people and in heavy costume, were George Harrison and Paul McCartney...of course, Paul had to drag his poor wife Linda along with him. Poor Linda; wasn't associating with Yoko bad enough?)

And as far as the story goes, did I happen to mention that writer Henry Edwards HAD NEVER WRITTEN A MOVIE SCRIPT IN HIS LIFE? Just checking. Basically, we're looking at how the band is formed, reformed, threatened, people rise back from the dead, towns are ruined then reformed, and then Sgt. Pepper himself (Billy Preston!) appears back from the dead, struts and sings and turns all the bad guys into priests (he turns Pleasance into a nun, if I recall)....

What's that? Oh yeah; Sergeant Pepper, who was originally shown to be a white man, comes back as Billy Preston, who is quite possibly the blackest black musician ever. This is never explained, referred to or even remarked on by George Burns. Sure, Preston worked with The Beatles on "Let it Be" but come on; did Sarge Pepper get his groove back in the afterlife or something?

And all the way through, narration and song! Song and narration! Song! Narration! If there's not one, there's another. So basically, you're watching actors who don't have it all together as it is hamming it up as if in a silent movie, while someone is singing or Burns is telling you what's going on.

The songs? How do they fit in? As linking devices for scenes. Not even good scenes. The sun rising over a hayloft in the country cues up "Here Comes The Sun". Strawberry Fields has to sing her own theme song to a comatose Billy Shears to revive him. Howerd tries to seduce a bound-and-gagged Strawberry by singing "When I'm 64" to her. A lot of that goes on here. 29 times, at least.

You want justice? I'll give you justice: this movie and The Great Skycopter Rescue are the only writing credits Henry Edwards has ever had. There's your justice.

I haven't even mentioned the director, have I? Michael Schultz. Sure, Car Wash was his, but not only is he responsible for this disjointed, dull-witted, headache-inducing garble but he also directed such sloppy shout-fest "comedies" as Scavenger Hunt, Carbon Copy and Disorderlies. If you want to watch his work anymore, just catch an episode of "Chuck" or "The Practice".

Okay, I know that 29 Beatles songs probably cost a lot for rights in order to use them for your movie, but no film like this should have cost more than $18 million to make. The only thing I can figure is it cost a lot to house "Our Guests at Heartland" for their stay. Suffice it to say, the only reason that Stig didn't end up selling apples on a street corner is because of the HUGE sales of the movie's soundtrack. A huge 2-disc vinyl album set (remember those?) which would prove to be quite a hot commodity itself, even if the movie was less so.

Still, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is a bad movie that didn't really need to be so bad. Did we really need the participation of a writer WHO HAD NEVER WRITTEN A MOVIE SCRIPT IN HIS LIFE? Or a director for whom subtlety and character are just the extra-credit words on a spelling test? How about a producer who just preferred money signs to cohesion? If not for all of that, maybe this is a musical that could have worked, rather than serve to drive yet another gold-plated nail into Ye Olde Hollywood Musical Coffin. As it stands, though, it did.

Needless to say, Stigwood stuck to music after this and, today, is best remembered as a musical genius and someone who, in 1978, simply made a bad decision with the opportunity afforded him.

WE know him better as someone who had a chance to make the musical to end all musicals and, instead, the movie he ended up making just went nowhere

...man.