Track of the Moon Beast (1976)

(NOTE: I actually had this review almost finished when I noticed Stacie Ponder over at final girl had one of her little stick-figure cartoony reviews up about this master work. Complete coincidence, I assure you. Now I had to re-edit this so it didn't look like I copied anything from her observations. Again, coincidence. That being said....)

You may recall back in my review for Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake that I expounded on the topic of regional film-making; how, in the Seventies, locally-made films did their best to appeal to a broader audience by concocting a story about a local legend, local horrors, local intrigue and so on.

Unfortunately, most of these films also used local talent.

I know, I know; for little movies like this no one should expect Strasberg or Olivier, but there is a level of acting here I think would be fair to equate to your local TV weatherman putting on a tunic and soliloquizing about the five-day forecast.

In the case of Track of the Moon Beast, the fact that the local horror/legend/intrigue is set in Albuquerque, New Mexico is both good and bad, for reasons you'll see in a minute.

Now, anyone who has watched my fave rave show "Mystery Science Theater 3000" already knows what Track of the Moon Beast is all about, but there are a few unwashed masses out there who have no idea why the rest of us are giggling uncontrollably. For those unfortunate few, I will extrapolate:

Professor John "Johnny Longbow" Salina, (Gregorio Sala) introduces bare-chested archaeologist Paul Carlson (Chase Cordell) to picture-taking blonde Kathy Nolan (Leigh Drake). Paul and Kathy are attracted to each other immediately but, one night as a meteor shower rains down far overhead, a meteorite fragment strikes Paul deep in his skull, causing Paul to mutate into a giant reptilian monster at night and go on murderous rampages. Of course. Seems this has happened before, as Johnny Longbow shows slides of Crayola-influenced Native American paintings detailing a similar event centuries ago to skeptical police chief Mac (Patrick Wright). However, as Paul is being tested, he escapes and wants to end it all, in spite of Kathy chasing him down, wanting to save him because - darn it all - she loves the mutating murderous lug.

Now right there is a story we've heard many times before and with many different types of monsters. The Werewolf, anyone? Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, anyone? Several dozen monster movies from the Fifties, anyone? However, compared to these other works this is not a big-money endeavor; indeed, those Fifties monster flicks had more money in their catering budget than this thing had in its special effects kitty.

You can tell that much when you see the big night-time meteor shower that's the catalyst for everything to follow consists of negative scratches on the film stock. Classy. Might as well have scratched in some lightning bolts and the words "THIS MOVIE SUCKS" across the night sky while they were at it.

Anyway, as far as the monster goes - yeesh. We're talking immobile mask with pointy teeth. We're talking bulky leather-ish suit. We're talking jazz hands with claws. We're talking it looks like the poor guy in that suit can barely move at all. Not qualities you necessarily want in your hideously scary movie monster. Halloween costume maybe....

I understand that along with regional films comes the fact that you have to work with what you have. No money means a lot of improvisation with effects and such. But what the hell; even Peter Jackson had a minimal budget when he made Bad Taste, but he also had such an over-abundance of imagination and creativity and props and effects concocted in his parents' kitchen that you really seriously couldn't tell whether it was real or Memorex, so to speak.

In Track of the Moon Beast, it looks like all the effects and props were concocted in the director's parents' toilet.

And speaking of the director, Richard Ashe has other directing credits like...

...uh...wait a minute....

Hmpf. Well, I guess this was Ashe's ONLY directing credit, save for a couple of first-and-second unit directing gigs. Track was apparently his opportunity to join the big leagues, to demonstrate his creative prowess, to get out there and show the world what he's made of. And now the viewer knows what Richard Ashe is made of: first-and-second unit directing gigs.

But it doesn't help that the story is so haphazard and so ungainly and disjointed that writers William Finger and Charles Sinclair can't come up with anything different than what anyone's seen before. Is it a coincidence that Finger and Sinclair last collaborated on the classic space jumble The Green Slime? Or that neither one has worked on a major movie since? Prolly not.

And about filming in Albuquerque: no doubt it's a nice place to live and has a vibrant social calendar and all, but the venues they use in Track of the Moon Beast might as well be in Turkey for all this flick cares. Mountains, rocks, dirt, desert, an occasional indoor scene - there's maybe one or two scenes where there is lush vegetation in view. Otherwise, it's all bleak and dry and drab.

And then out of nowhere comes Albuquerque singing sensation Frank Larrabee, an Eskimo and a skinny chick singing their one big hit "California Lady".

Typical Seventies; every regional movie has to have at least ONE song in it from local talent. Admittedly it's catchy, but couldn't they have framed it a little better than going to a Frank Larrabee concert where Paul gets sick and almost immediately leaves? Hey, maybe Frank helped foot the production bill and they owed him. Hope he kept the receipt.

Hey, maybe they were going for a minimal background effect so the viewer could concentrate on the acting.

BAD move.

And with that, on to the acting. I say "acting" but what I meant was "non-acting". None of the leads have enough spark to make a car engine turn over. Cordell functions as a shirtless male model who looks incredibly uncomfortable in any shirt. Drake has a stare blanker that Shirley L. Jones' in Black Devil Doll from Hell, and that's saying something. Sala has been in absolutely nothing else since Track, indeed it seems he has all but dropped off the face of the planet - perhaps to find a more authentic Native American stew recipe than the one he dragged on about herein. The closest regular-working actor in this was Wright, whose bulk of work consists mainly of softcore porn.

...

What? I just report the facts.

Like I said in the rundown of the script, everything is pretty much cookie-cutter standard storytelling; Paul turns into a monster off and on. In fact, there is one point where, under heavy guard, Paul is lying in a hospital bed and slowly...I'm sorry, I meant ssssllllooooooowwwwwwlllllyyyyyy...transforms into the Moon Beast of the title. I mean, even in a chintzy little film like this, couldn't the FX guy have made sure he was in the same exact position each time and DIDN'T MOVE FROM SHOT TO SHOT??? Really, the dissolves they make from Paul to Paul with makeup to Paul with a little more makeup to Paul with even more makeup to Paul with monster prosthetics to Paul with even more monster prosthetics to Paul wearing the monster mask is so jumpy and jerky and sloppy that it makes sixth-grade student films with stop-motion clay figures running down a cardboard street look like this year's Oscar-nominees for Best Short Subject.

The best part is the last, though, where Johnny Longbow, taking a break from glowering and posturing, deduces that if a moon rock caused Paul's transformation then another moon rock will destroy him and his rampage. Why? I don't know and I don't think he does either. "Longbow" must be American Indian for "Lucky Guess". So he shoots Paul with an arrow tipped with a piece of moon rock (oh WOW), it lodges in Monster Paul's chest, the screen glows red, Paul dissolves into a pile of ashes off-screen as Johnny Longbow, Blank Kathy and Porn Chief Mac watch in horror. And then....

Fade to black. The end.

Yeah, that's it; no wrap-up, no final words, no credits, not even a "THE END" card. See what happens when you blow your wad on a bunch of cheap FX? Not enough money for a decent ending.

So that's the whole problem with Track of the Moon Beast: it remembers too well what regional filming is all about and populates the film with local flavor (or as much as they could find in Albuquerque), adds a few American Indian cliches, a cheap monster, bad effects, a non-ending and there you go.

If it was good enough for Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake, it's good enough for Track of the Moon Beast.

But wait; it WASN'T good for Rana.

I guess that's the Seventies for you.