Slugs (1988)

It's time to visit our favorite exploitation maestro from Spain: your friend and mine, Mister (or Señor) John Piquer Simon, ladies and germs.

Regular readers will recall my love for all things JP Simon. After all, not only is he the man behind such latter-day classics as Pieces and "Mystery Science Theater 3000" standby Pod People but also created Supersonic Man, which just happens to be the best movie in the whole wide world, thank you very much. These movies may not be art and they won't win any major awards but, darn it, they sure have my stamp of approval.

So it should come as no surprise that JP's (if I may call him JP) landmark monster movie is just every bit as memorable and as effective as his previous successes.

After all, his films are even banned in Australia, so how bad could they be?

So: Slugs. I guess it makes sense that if Squirm can feature a slew of man-eating killer worms, then Slugs can feature as its prime killing machine a batch of the man-eating killer gastropod mollusks.

"But Dope, how can a slug kill you?"

Dear reader, if there is one thing that movies have taught me during my tenure as your humble reviewer, it is that in movies, anything is possible, even if it means subverting millions of years of natural biological development in invertebrates.

Normally, yes; at worst a slug can gross you out by being squishy and slimy but also be amusing as you poke at its extended eyes and watch them retract down into their body....

What? It's fun.

But these titled purveyors of slime can indeed kill you because they, kiddies, have nice sharp teeth. A whole bunch of these things get on you, or you stupidly slip and fall onto a pile of them and, brother...nom nom nom.

Oh, but this is not your run-of-the-mill "nature gone bad" film, because Slugs is based on a book. Yes; and not an e-book, either. This book, written by Shaun Hutson, details a virulent strain of slug being gestated in the sewers beneath a small town, and now they are rising to its surface...hungry for human flesh. No big stretch that it could conceivably become a horror movie that could stand up alongside Day of the Animals.

Not that this made Mr. Hutson any happier about JP's adaptation since, according to an interview:

Regarding Juan Piquer Simon's film adaptation of Slugs, Hutson bemusedly recalled that he had remarked that as long as he got paid and his original work wasn't altered, a filmmaker could "do what he liked"; he then wryly noted that "this Piquer bloke" came along "and proceeded to take me at my word".

That's just how Hollywood rolls, Shaun baby. Or, at least how Spanish Hollywood rolls.

But that's okay, because Hutson's story is punched-up by JP himself and co-writers José Antonio Escrivá and Ron Gantman. Staying true to the novel of course because this stuff, brothers and sisters, is gold.

Manna from Heaven.

Ambrosia from the gods.

Prime USDA choice cut cream of the crop Fruit of the Loom goodness.

The basic story itself is familiar territory to anyone who has seen Jaws or The Birds or The Swarm (The Swarm? How did that get in there...?): the small town of Merton has its share of problems and bureaucracy and such, but now there's a new problem: people are turning up dead in their homes, half-eaten.

Could it be rats? Very possibly.

Maybe wild dogs? Could indeed be, at that.

Toothy killer slugs? Someone get the net.

The latter choice indeed seems to be the best choice for city health inspector Mike Brady (Michael Garfield), who unfortunately gets no help from the police, city council members or Sam the Butcher. In fact, the only two people who are willing to even listen to him are Mike's wife Kim (Kim Terry) and local British-accented school biology teacher/slug expert John Foley (Santiago Álvarez).

...Hmm? Oh yeah; every movie like this has to have at least ONE scientist/specialist who has a foreign-sounding accent. All of them; The Swarm (again with The Swarm? Hmm...) had Michael Caine and his kinda-sorta British accent, Jaws had Richard Dreyfuss with a Brooklyn accent. Even 1978's The Bees had scientist John Carradine trotting out a dependable-as-always German accent. It's the law, don't blame me.

Okay, so very soon, lots of people in Merton - horny teenagers, crotchety elderly, hot shot yuppies - die in many gruesome flesh-eating ways. One poor lawyer guy even dies in a fancy-schmancy restaurant after having ingested a slug in his salad (long story). Oh yeah, it happened: little baby slugs eat him inside out and explode out of his eyeball, his face being eaten off all along the way. Yeah. Gross. Blame Basilio Cortijo, Emilio Ruiz del Río and their team of FX guys for some extremely enthusiastic gore and eaten-up people stuff. At least JP got some good work out of them.

Soon, Mike and his compatriots realize the only way to destroy these squiggly terrors is...no, not salt, but with electricity. Electricity and explosives. Blow 'em up real good. Yep. Because let's face it, this movie is set in America and, dammit, that's the American way.

Now so far in this review you may be thinking that I'm getting ready to slam Slugs. Hard. After all, I can only talk about the grisly effects, the warped plot and overall lack of common sense.

But hold on: this is JP Simon we're talking about. That alone gives this movie a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card. The enthusiasm throughout Slugs is apparent, even if the acting isn't so much. Even through the ridiculous parts (which are many), everyone keeps their composure and sallies forth.

Music guy Tim Souster slaps in inappropriate music at times when they sound more befitting to a sitcom but, for Slugs, it works. Weird, but it works.

While there's no Cameron Mitchells here to chew scenery (like in Supersonic) it's all good, since actors are only perfunctory in Slugs; this is a movie about victims. Victims who are going to be eaten by slugs. Now this sounds kind of like waffling on my part, what with my diatribes on the Friday the 13th movies, but this is altogether different. This is a tone and level of acting that works and fits the material. The Fridays, done by Americans here in America, are just too darn flat and clinical. This is foreign - and the out-of-country sensibility helps it rise above its source and soar to heights of hysteria, creativity and bloodiness only dreamed of before.

So, you see?

JP directs it all in a sinisterly off-putting manner, as if it were originally a made-for-TV special then got released to theaters instead and so some "special added footage" was spliced in to give it that great "eeuccchh" factor. But you know what? JP Simon movies have that special charm that your run-of-the-mill SyFy Channel movie just cannot attain. The kind of feel that this is all-or-nothing. The more the merrier. JP and company spent good money to get guts and gore up on that screen - they're gonna follow through and make 'em stick up there! And unlike a monster movie where you feel their budget was blown to pay for Winona Ryder or Treat Williams in the cast, every penny spent on Slugs is right there on the screen. In short: you, the viewer, get your money's worth.

Slugs works and, for the willing, it's fun. For you who like horror movies such as The Thing and The Beyond and Dead Alive, this is a ride that will whip you around at top speed from beginning to end, first scene to last.

It worked for me, and being a fan of the man helps. If you appreciate JP Simon and have never heard of Slugs before now, say hello to your new favorite movie.

So dive in. Take the challenge. Say yes to Slugs.

And don't forget the salt.