1985 was the WORST Year for Movies - Part Two

Oh god, a sequel; I hate sequels.

But this is one sequel with a purpose; it is to educate you, who has only memories of the good of 1985 - such as Lifeforce (a fantastic film which I own), Return of the Living Dead (also own it, also love it) and Silverado (Best. Western. Of. The. Eighties.) - that it wasn't all sunshine and gumdrops, incense and peppermints, sweetness and doilies.

There was bad in this year. In fact, there was more bad than good when it came to movies. The bad was so bad, in fact, that it made the good all but forgotten, with maybe a glimmer of notice and the thought, "Oh; did that come out in 1985?"

Yet you would think such with good reason. After all, this was The Year of the Ox. And many movies in 1985 were as graceful, as beautiful and as fragrant as said bovine.

As with my last post in this series, I shall now prove once again how awful and horrible and soul-crushing 1985 was by giving you another selection of movies that not only came out this year, but were also so bad that they gave the Lumiere Brothers a bad name (in fact, after watching some of these, if you had a time machine you would have went back to their year and beaten the crap out of them for this...and I would have joined you).

So here we go with more pristine selections of garbage from a garbage year. Again, in no particular order:

MY SCIENCE PROJECT

This looks like something that was written in 20 minutes or less on the back of a restaurant place mat. In fact, it was probably made only to show a couple of nice special effects and a part for Dennis Hopper on his way back up the Hollywood ladder. Oh, and as a showpiece for Fisher Stevens, who is not funny. Instead, his character's just like this movie: annoying and stupid.







BABY: SECRET OF THE LOST LEGEND

This won't be the only Disney film on the list, but it's certainly the blandest one. A story about newly-discovered dinosaurs and a baby brontosaurus should be more fun. But this isn't 1993, so instead it's dumb, slow, plodding and has racial stereotypes, violence, Patrick MacGoohan and Sean Young shoehorned into it. Perfect Disney fare; William Katt should have stayed in his red tights. And yes, all of that going on and Baby is still boring. THAT takes talent.




ENEMY MINE

Allegorical science fiction? Pass. Especially one that plays so fast and loose with basic sci-fi rules. An oxygen-rich planetoid? Check. Available food? Check. Mismatched lifeforms (human Dennis Quaid vs. reptilian Lou Gossett Jr.)? Check. "Why can't we all get along" storyline? Double check. At least David Lynch's Dune had different planets to play on....







DEATH WISH III

It's no secret Charles Bronson hated this series passionately. After Death Wish II, he no doubt wanted rid of Paul Kersey altogether. But Golan/Globus doesn't settle for "no"...so III came to be and was more (or less, in this case) of the same that is so Hollywoodized and glossed over that the 1974 original was long forgotten. No grit, no message, no point.







PERFECT

Why, exactly, was this story begging to be made? I wouldn't have cared if this was a documentary on the same subject, but John Travolta and Jamie Lee Curtis playing beautiful people in a music video world with manufactured crises just doesn't cut it. A great ad for aerobics, but not a good movie.







MOVING VIOLATIONS

Stupid doesn't begin to explain this. And what's with the casting - it's full of RELATIVES of big stars! Bill Murray's brother? Meg Tilly's sister? Stacy Keach's brother? And in a comedy about driving school rejects? And a featured role for Clara Peller! Where's the beef - what's the point?! This was all kinds of 15-minutes-of-fame squandered away.







BREWSTER'S MILLIONS

Another step down the ladder for Richard Pryor. A comedy legend reduced to a part that is so clearly not meant for Richard Pryor that it's embarrassing to watch. When John Candy can't help a movie about someone spending millions of dollars, your movie is in big trouble. And if you're Walter Hill, you should have pulled an Alan Smithee.







REVOLUTION

Al Pacino must have hated the early Eighties. He was a sexually-confused cop in Cruising, a whiny writer in Author! Author! and a common American looking to get his boat back from the British Army during the titular American battle here. Hugh Hudson went from Chariots of Fire to Greystoke to this in a couple of years and Annie Lennox from the Eighties pop group Eurythmics has a novelty part in the proceedings as well. A two hour-plus footnote to nothing.




COMPROMISING POSITIONS

I honestly didn't even remember this movie until I looked it up. Raul Julia, Susan Sarandon and Edward Herrmann fail to perk up a depressingly dull comedy about a murdered dentist and the pictures he has of beautiful patients caught in...well...you know. I don't even remember who directed this, and I refuse to look it up. But I'm sure it isn't way up there on the ol' résumé. Hey, Tim Robbins: if Susan ever gives you a hard time about Erik the Viking, throw this right back at her.




THE BLACK CAULDRON

Disney has a lot of long-forgotten live-action movies (I refer you back to the aforementioned Baby for one such), but a long-forgotten cartoon?? This tale of magic and creatures won't make anyone forget The Sword in the Stone (or Bedknobs and Broomsticks for that matter) but the forgettable characters, cookie-cutter storyline from a million other mystical medieval quest balderdasheries and a remarkably unmemorable villain sink this one.




Owowowowowow...those hurt to even think about.

Next time, we'll discuss why Helen Slater and Pat Benatar aren't on speaking terms, whatever happened to Jennifer Beals and just what the heck was the deal with Lori Singer?

Dope out.

-TGWD