Top Things To Say To Get A Fanboy Argument Started...

You know, fanboys are a funny lot.

And not funny ha-ha.

Back in the day, there were "Trekkies" and "D&D Geeks" and "Compu-Nerds", and no one really paid much attention to them; just let them sit in the corner with their fan fiction and Spock ears and they were happy.

But in the last couple of decades, the world came to the startling realization that there are an awful lot of people out there who do, in fact, obsess about how many red shirts are aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise at any given time, how the Empire trains their Stormtroopers and just what race of alien E.T. is.

Oh, and they're demonstrative about it, too. They'll just speak right up and tell you how many bagged and sealed copies of the first edition "Star Wars" comic book they have, show you their complete set of "Lord of the Rings" action figures - still mint in the box (more valuable that way) and the autographed picture of them with William Shatner taken at last year's StarCon in Chicago...and they would have got a picture with Uhura and Chekov too, but they were on a smoke break with Richard Kiel and Warrington Gillette.

The thing is, fanboys are also very VERY defensive about their loves when it comes to just what they are fanboys about. Say something wrong, something ill-informed, something completely off the subject of what they think or believe and, brother, they'll call you on it right then and there. There have been some heated, intense and pretty darned violent confrontations between fanboys and...well, let's just call them Regular People. You'd never believe that a plastic light saber could hurt so much.

And so, ever one to cause friction in the community where tight-fitting Star Trek uniforms and asthma inhalers go hand in hand, let me give you a few things to say to the next fanboy you come across, whether it be at a convention, at school, on the street or even in your own home.

And for your convenience, I have grouped these according to fanboy affiliation for easier selection. Have fun.

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STAR TREK

You realize that their five-year mission only lasted three seasons, don't you?

I think Gene Roddenberry should have stuck to writing for Gary Lockwood.

So what kind of a weird-sounding alien is Chekov supposed to be?

So when Spock died, did he die in that mirror universe thing too or did his mirror self come into this world and take over for him, then get replaced with our Spock?

So what's the deal with Scott Bakula, is this some kind of "Quantum Leap" cross-over?


STAR WARS

Anakin Skywalker was a real wimp as a kid, wasn't he?

I'm sure Chewbacca couldn't have smelled very good.

What kind of robot was Boba Fett?

How smart could Lando Calrissian have been; he lost his ship to Han.

You know, I'm sure there had to have been a time or two that Luke and Leia probably...you know...wink wink, nudge nudge....


BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

I think Pa Cartwright handled things better than Lieutenant Castillo.

Yeah yeah; you say "Cylons", I say "Silver-Plated Darth Vaders".

You know, they were gonna have Dirk Benedict come back as a cross-dresser.

It's just not the same since they got rid of Daggitt.

Did Mary McDonnell get to be president after her husband Bill Pullman died in Independence Day?


FIREFLY

I didn't think there were insects in outer space.

So which part does Sarah Michelle Gellar play?

You don't really get much of a feel that this is in the same Joss Whedon universe as Alien: Resurrection.

I think they should have more whining teenagers in outer space.

No, really - there are vampires in this, right?


TRANSFORMERS

You know, "transformer" is actually Japanese for "product placement".

Who would win in a race: Bumblebee or Racer X?

Well, they've gone and made a cheap little cartoon to move some Hasbro toys into something exploitative.

What kind of mileage does Optimus Prime get?

I hear that Megan Fox is all CGI too.


LORD OF THE RINGS

J.R.R. Tolkein's last words to Christopher Lee were "Don't let those damn New Zealanders anywhere near my books".

There's missing footage online that shows this was all dreamed by Bilbo in an opium den.

Liv Tyler's kind of homely, isn't she? (actually, that'll get an argument started anywhere)

So what kind of French are these guys sayin'?

When it comes to these stories, Rankin-Bass kicked Ralph Bakshi's butt, am I right?


MISCELLANEOUS FANBOY COMMENTS

You realize as soon as your back is turned, your mom's gonna sell your katana collection for a new set of kitchen cabinets.

Comic books! Ha! I said "comic books"; not "graphic novels". COMIC BOOKS! COMIC BOOKS! COMIC BOOKS!!!!

No one at these comic conventions cares who you are, only that you look worse in your manga costume than they do.

Look in this magazine. See that supermodel? This is as close as you'll ever get to her.

So how many friends do you really have? I mean, outside of the chat rooms.

That's a great ren fair costume; I didn't know chain mail could stretch that much.

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There; now go have some fun at a fanboy's expense.

Oh, and if you are a fanboy and just read all of these and felt even slightly insulted, I'm sorry; but I'm sure your collection of Star Wars bobble heads still love you.

Dope out.

-TGWD