1985 was the WORST Year for Movies - Part One

Why is it I hate 1985 so much? It never did anything to me.

Oh, I take that back: it gave me memories of some of the absolute bottom of the underside of the barrel of filmic junk ever. And when I say underside of the barrel, I mean the underside that's been in the ground so long that it's all green and slimy and there's worms and bugs and stuff dug into the wood fiber and its kind of eaten through so that the barrel doesn't even hold water anymore.

That's what 1985 means to me.

Yeah yeah; I know, I know...don't give me Back To The Future and Out of Africa and The Color Purple and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Those were good movies alright, but in 1985 they were the all-too-rare exceptions to the rule of thumb for this particular year - every movie that came out in 1985 had to be an inconsequential film book trivia footnote that'll make people in, say, 2010, read the name of said film and mutter to themselves, "Yeah...I remember seeing the poster for that one".

They wouldn't mutter it too loud, of course. Or out loud at all if they were with anyone.

There are a lot of disbelievers out there still, but I'm ready for them. For that reason, I have complied a comprehensive list of films from this year that, to be perfectly honest, I didn't even remember the largest part of until I wrote about them just now.

How's THAT for unmemorable junk?

So for you who need convincing, here is the first installment of another regular series on films released in 1985 that illustrate my point perfectly. Eloquently. Precisely. I don't even have to write about them: just show the poster art and you'll nod, realize I'm right and bow your head in shame for recognizing the movie to begin with.

But don't worry, I'll write a paragraph about each one, if just to rub your "pro-1985" face in it.

Now brace yourself for re-entry into your memory banks of bad memories - here is the first segment of movies from 1985 that all deserve to stay forgotten. Let's remember them together (and in random order, no less...):

ELENI

Typical Oscar fodder that was, quite literally, dry and stale and as boring as an English lesson. I've never been impressed with Kate Nelligan and, as a Greek mother killed during a civil war in 1949, she isn't really that good - or interesting. And unfortunately, this was made before everyone wanted to be John Malkovich, who's also pretty blank. And the look of the film itself is cold, dull and gray. Quite a feat for Technicolor.




ONCE BITTEN

A Jim Carrey Comedy. Gotta be funny, right? Wrong. Vampire comedies never work (I cite David Niven's Old Dracula and Nicolas Cage's Vampire's Kiss as cases in point) and with Lauren Hutton as the headlining bloodsucker, there's beauty but no bite. And certainly no laughs. Even Cleavon Little contributes nothing as Lauren's gay chauffeur (I think every Eighties comedy had one, it was the law). Man, Blazing Saddles was so long ago....



A VIEW TO A KILL

I've expounded on this one before, but this really is the worst James Bond movie ever. Yes, even worse than Die Another Day. Tanya Roberts? Feh. Christopher Walken? Bleh. Grace Jones? Meh. Roger Moore? Oy!






RUSTLERS' RHAPSODY

A cowboy parody comedy, post-Blazing Saddles? This took some guts. And it still blew harder than a tumbleweed across the prairie. Tom Berenger is not funny, G.W. Bailey is annoying, Andy Griffith offers a wan smile but the rest is so stupid and ham-handed that every semblance of humor is gone. And this was written AND directed by the guy who made Police Academy, which was The Producers compared to this. And speaking of Police Academy....



POLICE ACADEMY 2: THEIR FIRST ASSIGNMENT

Trust me, there'll be even more sequels on these lists, but this one (to the 1984 hit) looks like everyone settled for one take in each scene. And it's also PG-13, whereas the original was rated R. Trying to appeal to a broader audience, no doubt; but without as many raunchy laughs as the first, they substitute a lot of gratuitous Bob Goldthwait, shrieking and yelling. For the kids. When you find yourself yearning for Georgina Spelvin to pop up from beneath a table, you know a movie's wanting.




REMO WILLIAMS: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS

What's worse than a misbegotten franchise starter? A misbegotten franchise starter that stops dead after the first installment! Based on the "Destroyer" series of books, everyone involved knew better than this - especially a chameleon-like Joel Grey as the mysterious Chiun. This is so heavy on setup and just goes on and on and ON that by the time the actual story kicks in, there's only a half-hour or so of action...but by then the viewer simply loses all interest. That's what you call "not good".



FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING

The whole Friday the 13th series is just bull-puckey to begin with, but what are we to make of a sequel that picks up from what was supposed to be THE FINAL CHAPTER, and doesn't even have Jason Voorhees in it? Halloween III has its defenders, but this one - NO. Even the killer's mask is different; that in itself should tell you something.






GYMKATA

Gymnast Kurt Thomas' first (and last) starring role as a gymnast fighting for the US of A is an endurance test for him and more so for the audience. A pommel horse in the middle of an ancient village? Parallel bars in an alley? Director Robert Clouse aims for another Enter the Dragon but comes up with Enter the Lame Duck. Hey, at least it gave Buck Kartalian some work.





TARGET

Arthur Penn is (or was) a great director. Gene Hackman is (or was) a great actor. Matt Dillon has (or had) a brilliant career. All three are thrown away in a father-son spy story that could have been directed by and starred anyone. Or no one, in this case. Incredibly bland for global espionage stuff: of all Hackman's movies, this is probably the one he wishes he could perform some covert elimination on.





RED SONJA

Come on, a comic book adaptation, sword and sorcery, Arnold Schwarzenegger in full-out breech-clothed warrior mode. What happened? Brigitte Nielsen, that's what happened. Ever since she hooked up with Sylvester Stallone, she became another model who thought she could act. But even with a red wig, big ol' sword and more cleavage than Arnie, Gitte isn't a shade on her comic book source material. In fact, young Ernie Reyes Jr. is the best thing in the entire film. Speaking of which, whatever happened to him...?



Well, there's a good starter for expecting what is to come. Lots more examples, and believe me, they will be even worse than these.

Gah, I HATE HATE HATE HATE 1985! GARRRR!!!!!

...sorry.

Stay tuned for the next installment when I hate on Susan Sarandon, deride Fisher Stevens and slam Disney. Twice!

Dope out.

- TGWD