1985 was the WORST Year for Movies - Part Four

Why do you suppose there are certain years that seem to attract the best and worst of history?

1939 was famous for Gone with the Wind and The Wizard of Oz.

1941 gave us The Maltese Falcon and High Sierra.

1965 gave us The Sound of Music and Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

But 1985?

What did it ever give us besides misery and agony and pain and suffering and lice and boils and syphilitic lip sores? And movies so bad that even VCRs wouldn't accept them.

It was just a plain bad, stinky year with a lingering stench that followed us well into 1986.

Don't stare at me like that; I just report the facts.

And speaking of facts, you're not getting out of here without the latest batch of the worst of the worst of the worst year for movies. Again, in no particular order:

THE NEW KIDS

I'm at a loss here. There's two kids on the poster, one of them has a stick and they're surrounded by doll faces. Plus is the fact this is directed by the guy who did Friday the 13th. These may have been selling points in the studio meeting to get this made but, come on, what in the hell is this movie even about? Anyone? Can you explain this to me? Is it even out on DVD? VHS? Laserdisc? Betamax? Anyone...???







HEAVENLY BODIES

Did we really need a ripoff of FlashDance? Starring Cynthia Dale and a bunch of Canadians? You've never seen so many leg warmers, torn sweatshirts, leotards, spandex, mirrored studio walls and sweaty bodies since Perfect. Come to think of it, this could only have been made in 1985. Any later in the Eighties and the humiliation of the actors would have made this a tragedy. Check that: MORE of a tragedy.






BAD MEDICINE

Police Academy set in a hospital. Great. They even cast Steve Guttenberg in it. And Julie Hagerty - you know, from Airplane!; the movie Police Academy wished it was. That's bad enough, but then they drag Alan Arkin into it doing his best Mexican improv and Gilbert Gottfried doing his worst Mexican improv and Taylor Negron as "Pepe the Cab Driver". This will have you looking for new adjectives for "crap".







CREATOR

In 1982, Peter O'Toole starred in My Favorite Year about an alcoholic actor whom everyone conveniences to get him on a TV show. In 1985, a movie was made with O'Toole using the same principle, apparently. Dealing with superficial ideas of science and romance, this is inconsequential fluff of the first order but, though certainly flimsy, certainly not Mariel Hemingway's worst performance of 1985 (that'll be revealed at a later time....).






STICK

Burt Reynolds and Elmore Leonard both had good years and good movies, but this was neither. Burt's idea of getting some pals together to make a movie almost never pulls together (except maybe for Sharkey's Machine) but when a stuntman (Dar Robinson) gives the best performance in your crime drama, it's time for a mulligan. And Charles Durning in a red Bozo wig? WHY????







JAGGED EDGE

Glenn Close is a good actress. Jeff Bridges is a good actor. Richard Marquand is a good director. But Joe Eszterhaus, slopping out a script that gives lurid melodrama a bad name, is the biggest culprit in this courtroom schlockfest. When you can't even count on Robert Loggia to liven things up, something's wrong. And when a camera angle is so bad that it takes you awhile to figure out who done it, that's worse. This will make you yearn for the stylish wholesomeness of Fatal Attraction.






THE HOLCROFT COVENANT

Robert Ludlum is the king (KING, I tell you) of convoluted and confusing literature. His movie adaptations are no better, as this flick proves. Nazis, treasure, assassinations, incest and Michael Caine in all his well-cured smoky hamminess all fight for top spot in this globe-hopping junket of junk, but the headliner for Holcroft is a plot that is at once too detailed and too simplistic for its own good. Caine's embarrassing acting outbursts are actually the highlight of this thing.










MAXIE

Glenn Close strikes again! This time as an average housewife who gets possessed by the spirit of a Twenties floozy who wants to sing and dance and booze it up and seduce everything in pants, even Close's hubby Mandy Patinkin! This tries to be every bit the breakaway hit that 1982's Kiss Me Goodbye was (which, incidentally, Kiss wasn't), and was in itself a remake of the FAR SUPERIOR Dona Flor and her Two Husbands. Ruth Gordon actually would have fared better by waiting for a call from Clint Eastwood and Clyde the Orangutan.





THE CARE BEARS MOVIE

Starring: Product Placement! For Kids! Seriously, this is one long ad for new toys, not a movie. Hasbro or Kenner or whoever it was that handled this meal ticket probably got rich from the tie-ins for this. But the film itself; that's an investment that probably won't pay off for awhile.







RAINBOW BRITE AND THE STAR STEALER

See: The Care Bears Movie.












There.

Satisfied?

No?

Fine; see you next time, when I will discuss two sequels that should never have been, the sad decline of Stephen King and what Patsy Cline has to do with any of this.

Dope out.

- TGWD

The MAY'10 soundtrack! Άσε το PC και πάμε για λουλούδια!

Μια χαρά μας μπήκε η Άνοιξη, μια χαρά μας φεύγει σιγά σιγά κι έρχεται το καλοκαιράκι! Σα νερό κυλάει ο χρόνος! Επέστρεψε και η Ρουλάρα, έπεσαν πάλι όλοι να την φάνε στην TV! Who cares όμως, δεν ξέρω για σας, αλλά εγώ την αγαπώ!
Τι θα γίνει επιτέλους με την Lady GaGa? Μας έχουν γκαστρώσει μέχρι να ανακοινώσουν αν θα έρθει Ελλάδα ή όχι!
Συμβουλή του μήνα: Εγκαταλείψτε το σπίτι και το PC (αφού διαβάσετε το post, μην βιάζεστε :-p) και ξεχυθείτε στους αγρούς, στα λιβάδια, στις ανθοκομικές εκθέσεις!

Καλό μας μήνα boys and girls!!!

BEST SONGS OF THE MONTH

@ AGGRO SANTOS feat. KIMBERLY WYATT Candy <---R'N'B SONG OF THE MONTH

@ ALESSANDRA AMOROSO Mi sei venuto a cercare tu <---BALLAD SONG OF THE MONTH

@ ANGUS & JULIA STONE Big jet plane

@ AQUALUNG Fingertip <---ALTERNATIVE SONG OF THE MONTH

@ BANANARAMA Every shade of blue 2010

@ BENJY DAVIS PROJECT Iron chair

@ BIAGIO ANTONACCI Buon giorno bell’anima

@ BOY GEORGE Amazing grace

@ BOYZONE Love is a hurricane

@ BRIAN MCFADDEN feat. KEVIN RUDOLF Just say so <---POP SONG OF THE MONTH

@ CHARLAINE Tokyo

@ DAN BALAN Chica bomb

@ DAVID VENDETTA feat. TARA MCDONALD I’m your goddess <---CLUB SONG OF THE MONTH

@ DIORAMA Stereotype

@ ELLIE GOULDING The writer

@ GOLDFRAPP I wanna life

@ GRAVITONAS Kites

@ JAMES It’s hot

@ JASON CASTRO Love uncompromised

@ JENNIFER RUSH Down on my knees

@ JONSI Sticks & stones

@ JUNIOR CALDERA feat. SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR Can’t fight this feeling <---DANCE SONG OF THE MONTH

@ JUSTIN NOZUKA Swan in the water

@ KASKADE feat. DRAGONETTE Fire in your new shoes

@ KEANE Back in time

@ LADY GAGA Alejandro

@ MAX BONCOMPAGNI feat. SHERRITA A brighter day (euro mix)

@ MEAT LOAF Like a rose

@ MELISSA ETHERIDGE The wanting of you

@ NITROUS OXIDE feat. ANEYM Far away (club mix)

@ PAPER AEROPLANES Orange lights <---ACOUSTIC SONG OF THE MONTH

@ R.I.O. feat. LIZ KAY Something about you

@ RIHANNA Rockstar 101

@ ROBYN Dancing on my own <---ELECTRONIC SONG OF THE MONTH

@ ROUS Μαριονέτες

@ SALLY SELTMANN Harmony to my heartbeat

@ SCORPIONS Sly <---ROCK SONG OF THE MONTH

@ SIA Bring night

@ SIMON CURTIS Beat drop <---SONG OF THE MONTH

@ SMOKIE BANDITS Cattle drive

@ TATA YOUNG Ready for love (Bhangra house mix)

@ THE SCHOOL Is he really coming home?

@ UFFIE feat. PHARRELL ADD SUV

@ VEGAS Τους πονάει (Robin Skouteris mix)

@ YOAV Easy chair

@ YOUNG HERETICS The lost loves

@ ΑΛΚΗΣΤΙΣ ΠΡΩΤΟΨΑΛΤΗ & ΣΤΕΦΑΝΟΣ ΚΟΡΚΟΛΗΣ Η αγάπη που πάει

@ ΓΙΩΡΓΟΣ ΚΑΡΑΔΗΜΟΣ Ταξίδι γύρω από σένα

@ ΕΛΕΝΑ ΠΑΠΑΡΙΖΟΥ Δεν αλλάζω

@ ΘΕΟΔΟΣΙΑ ΤΣΑΤΣΟΥ Απόψε δε θα κοιμηθώ

@ ΚΑΛΟΜΟΙΡΑ Please don’t break my heart <---GREEK SONG OF THE MONTH

@ ΚΩΣΤΑΣ ΜΑΡΤΑΚΗΣ feat. DESISLAVA Αγάπη μου (Loving you)

@ ΜΕΛΙΣΣΕΣ Lonely heart

@ ΝΑΤΑΣΣΑ ΜΠΟΦΙΛΙΟΥ Το τέλος στο σαλόνι

@ ΤΑΜΤΑ Φωτιά

@ ΧΑΡΙΣ ΑΛΕΞΙΟΥ Το μυστικό

BEST ALBUMS OF THE MONTH

@ Brian McFadden WALL OF SOUNDZ (pop) (9.5)

@ The School LOVELESS UNBELIEVER (indie pop/rock) (8.5)

@ Robyn BODY TALK PT. 1 (pop/electronic) (8)

@ Jason Castro JASON CASTRO (acoustic/pop) (8)

@ David Vendetta VENDETTA (club/dance) (7.5)

@ Biagio Antonacci INASPETTATA (pop) (7.5)

@ Aqualung MAGNETIC NORTH (rock/acoustic) (7)

@ James THE NIGHT BEFORE EP (rock) (7)

@ Kaskade DYNASTY (dance/electronic) (7)

@ Soundtrack KICK-ASS (various) (7)

@ Koop COUP DE GRACE (1997-2007) (jazz/electronic) (7)

@ Young Heretics WE ARE THE LOST LOVES (indie/alternative) (7)

JUST GOOD...NOTHING MORE

@ Smokey Bandits DEBUT (roots music/swing) (6)

@ Justin Nozuka YOU I WIND LAND AND SEA (acoustic rock) (6)

@ Melissa Etheridge FEARLESS LOVE (rock) (6)

@ Γιώργος Καραδήμος ΚΑΛΥΤΕΡΕΣ ΜΕΡΕΣ (greek pop/rock) (6)

@ Sally Seltmann HEART THAT’S POUNDING (indie pop/acoustic) (6)

@ Gotan Project TANGO 3.0 (tango/nu jazz) (6)

@ Soundtrack HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (classical) (6)

@ Keane NIGHT TRAIN EP (rock) (5.5)

CRAP!

@ Benjy Davis Project LOST SOULS LIKE US (folk rock) (5)

@ Stavento ΜΙΑ ΦΟΡΑ ΚΙ ΕΝΑΝ ΚΑΙΡΟ (rap/pop) (4)

@ Meat Loaf HANG COOL TEDDY BEAR (rock) (4)

@ Kate Nash MY BEST FRIEND IS YOU (indie/rock) (4)

@ Toni Braxton PULSE (r’n’b/pop) (4)

@ Mikael Delta TECH ME AWAY (electro) (4)

@ R.I.O. SHINE ON: THE ALBUM (dance) (3)

@ Sylver DECADE: THE VERY BEST OF (dance) (2)

@ Slash SLASH (rock) (2)

HOT

SIA: Η αγαπημένη μου Sia, που με έχει σημαδέψει με το “Breathe me”, επέστρεψε με νέο single κι ένα εξαιρετικό video clip για το “Clap your hands”. Δείτε το video εδώ!

KYLIE: The princess is back!!! Το νέο της album θα λέγεται “Aphrodite” και κυκλοφορεί 5 Ιουλίου, με πρώτο single το “All the lovers” στις 28 Ιουνίου!

CYNDI LAUPER: Είχα δίλημμα αν θα την βάλω στα Hot ή τα Cold του μήνα, μιας και χάρηκα που τέλη Ιουλίου θα κυκλοφορήσει το νέο της album “Memphis Blues”, ξενέρωσα όμως όταν διάβασα ότι θα’ναι blues album.

ΓΙΩΡΓΟΣ ΑΛΚΑΙΟΣ: Κατάφερε να κάνει ένα πολύ καλό κι επαγγελματικό video για το “OPA”, και η διακριτική του στάση μέχρι στιγμής όσον αφορά την Eurovision, τον κάνει όλο και πιο συμπαθή!

COLD

ΕΙΡΗΝΗ ΜΕΡΚΟΥΡΗ: Όλος αυτός ο ντόρος σχετικά με την πλαστική που την παραμόρφωσε, οι φωτογραφίες κλπ, σα στημένο μου ακούγεται, για να ασχοληθούν και πάλι μαζί της μιας και είναι στα αζήτητα εδώ και πολύ καιρό κι έπρεπε να κάνει comeback. Με λάθος τρόπο όμως!

CHRISTINA AGUILERA: Tι κάνει ο άνθρωπος για να προκαλέσει! Η Χtina στο νέο της video "Not myself tonight" τα έκανε όλα, S&M, λεσβιακό, straight, striptease, δερμάτινα, καυτά υγρά να τρέχουν πάνω της, προκλητικούς χορούς όργια, έβαλε μεγάλες δόσεις Madonna και GaGa, κι έτοιμο! Μόνο που βγήκε αισχρό και too much!

ΜΑΡΩ ΛΥΤΡΑ: Εκεί που έδειχνε να πηγαίνει κάπου με το super single της “Elevator love”, κάνει διασκευή στο «Μυστικό σου» της Βίκυ Λέανδρος και δείχνει πόσο πρόβλημα προσανατολισμού και ελληνοαμερικανιάς έχει τελικά. Γι’αυτό και δεν πρόκειται να κάνει ποτέ κάτι.

TANIA ΤΣΑΝΑΚΛΙΔΟΥ: Τι κακό συνήθειο όταν πηγαίνει κάποιος επώνυμος τραγουδιστής σε νυχτερινό μαγαζί, σώνει και ντε να τον σηκώνουν να τραγουδήσει! Κάτι τέτοιο έκανε και η Τάνια-μπήκες μόνη σου στη μαύρη λίστα-Τσανακλίδου, σηκώνοντας την Πέγκυ Ζήνα να τραγουδήσουν μαζί! Έλεος!

STAVENTO: Βγάζουν τη μία μαλακία μετά την άλλη! Κρίμα! Στην τελευταία τους βλακεία παρέσυραν και την Ήβη Αδάμου.

NOW What is The Dope Getting Himself Into...?

By now, many astute viewers will have noticed the link pic at the top right of my blog.

And if not, it's the same one as in this posting.
<---
On the left of these words, here?

You see..no, over there.

There! Yeah, THERE!

Okay, now that you see it...

Seems that the folks (or folk, there maybe just one) over at SciFi Drive is (or are) hosting one of them there blogathons, and the theme is (duh) Star Wars.

Seeing as I've never done one of these blogathons before, I decided to throw my Gonk into the ring and give 'er a try. Why not; I love the Star Wars movies and, seeing as I have just about every one of them made to man, I might as well go and review ALL SEVEN OF THEM!

Yeah; seven.

And since I've already reviewed Star Wars: The Clone Wars and still insist on the magic number of seven, you may be wondering which other one I mean.

Silly rabbit - you've forgotten "The Star Wars Holiday Special"? Shame....

And anyway, whether SciFi Drive accepts me or no, I'm gonna go ahead and review them without the council's permission if I must.

Why? Well, under the circumstances I have to:


































I can't argue with the rabble.

Watch for the reviewing to begin May 18th! And may the you-know-what be with you.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Martorial elegance # 41

We're still in dem streetz lookin' for candidates, but it's harder to get flicks for Martorial Elegance these days when every pensioner done up to the nines in a polyester approximation of Prince's Purple Rain outfit is a snarling psychopath who starts spitting and swearing at you and every dickweed in head-to-toe Ed Hardy has their kid with them. Seriously, try getting a sneaky shot of some faux-homme using Peter Andre as their fashion inspiration who happens to be pushing a buggy without getting pounced on for being a pervert. "I'm not taking pictures of your kid, honest! I do a blog where we rip off The Sartorialist and I was taking a picture of your shit jeans with rhinestone recerations of scenes from the old testament on the back pockets, mate!"

Thankfully, Killa Barratt is much more brazen than us and recently sent over a bunch of sly snaps he's taken recently.

Question : is it possible to somehow distill the essences of eurotrash, British white trash and your average Next shopping middle-aged bloke into a single pair of shoes which appear to have been crafted from the skin and dung of a Styracosaurus by prehistoric man?

Answer : yeah, it would appear so.

cat print: into it or not?

resoundly, yes! but only on dresses or rompers. not tees, pants, or DEFINITELY not purses.

zara did it right.

cat print: into it or not?

resoundly, yes! but only on dresses or rompers. not tees, pants, or DEFINITELY not purses.

zara did it right.

Slugs (1988)

It's time to visit our favorite exploitation maestro from Spain: your friend and mine, Mister (or Señor) John Piquer Simon, ladies and germs.

Regular readers will recall my love for all things JP Simon. After all, not only is he the man behind such latter-day classics as Pieces and "Mystery Science Theater 3000" standby Pod People but also created Supersonic Man, which just happens to be the best movie in the whole wide world, thank you very much. These movies may not be art and they won't win any major awards but, darn it, they sure have my stamp of approval.

So it should come as no surprise that JP's (if I may call him JP) landmark monster movie is just every bit as memorable and as effective as his previous successes.

After all, his films are even banned in Australia, so how bad could they be?

So: Slugs. I guess it makes sense that if Squirm can feature a slew of man-eating killer worms, then Slugs can feature as its prime killing machine a batch of the man-eating killer gastropod mollusks.

"But Dope, how can a slug kill you?"

Dear reader, if there is one thing that movies have taught me during my tenure as your humble reviewer, it is that in movies, anything is possible, even if it means subverting millions of years of natural biological development in invertebrates.

Normally, yes; at worst a slug can gross you out by being squishy and slimy but also be amusing as you poke at its extended eyes and watch them retract down into their body....

What? It's fun.

But these titled purveyors of slime can indeed kill you because they, kiddies, have nice sharp teeth. A whole bunch of these things get on you, or you stupidly slip and fall onto a pile of them and, brother...nom nom nom.

Oh, but this is not your run-of-the-mill "nature gone bad" film, because Slugs is based on a book. Yes; and not an e-book, either. This book, written by Shaun Hutson, details a virulent strain of slug being gestated in the sewers beneath a small town, and now they are rising to its surface...hungry for human flesh. No big stretch that it could conceivably become a horror movie that could stand up alongside Day of the Animals.

Not that this made Mr. Hutson any happier about JP's adaptation since, according to an interview:

Regarding Juan Piquer Simon's film adaptation of Slugs, Hutson bemusedly recalled that he had remarked that as long as he got paid and his original work wasn't altered, a filmmaker could "do what he liked"; he then wryly noted that "this Piquer bloke" came along "and proceeded to take me at my word".

That's just how Hollywood rolls, Shaun baby. Or, at least how Spanish Hollywood rolls.

But that's okay, because Hutson's story is punched-up by JP himself and co-writers José Antonio Escrivá and Ron Gantman. Staying true to the novel of course because this stuff, brothers and sisters, is gold.

Manna from Heaven.

Ambrosia from the gods.

Prime USDA choice cut cream of the crop Fruit of the Loom goodness.

The basic story itself is familiar territory to anyone who has seen Jaws or The Birds or The Swarm (The Swarm? How did that get in there...?): the small town of Merton has its share of problems and bureaucracy and such, but now there's a new problem: people are turning up dead in their homes, half-eaten.

Could it be rats? Very possibly.

Maybe wild dogs? Could indeed be, at that.

Toothy killer slugs? Someone get the net.

The latter choice indeed seems to be the best choice for city health inspector Mike Brady (Michael Garfield), who unfortunately gets no help from the police, city council members or Sam the Butcher. In fact, the only two people who are willing to even listen to him are Mike's wife Kim (Kim Terry) and local British-accented school biology teacher/slug expert John Foley (Santiago Álvarez).

...Hmm? Oh yeah; every movie like this has to have at least ONE scientist/specialist who has a foreign-sounding accent. All of them; The Swarm (again with The Swarm? Hmm...) had Michael Caine and his kinda-sorta British accent, Jaws had Richard Dreyfuss with a Brooklyn accent. Even 1978's The Bees had scientist John Carradine trotting out a dependable-as-always German accent. It's the law, don't blame me.

Okay, so very soon, lots of people in Merton - horny teenagers, crotchety elderly, hot shot yuppies - die in many gruesome flesh-eating ways. One poor lawyer guy even dies in a fancy-schmancy restaurant after having ingested a slug in his salad (long story). Oh yeah, it happened: little baby slugs eat him inside out and explode out of his eyeball, his face being eaten off all along the way. Yeah. Gross. Blame Basilio Cortijo, Emilio Ruiz del Río and their team of FX guys for some extremely enthusiastic gore and eaten-up people stuff. At least JP got some good work out of them.

Soon, Mike and his compatriots realize the only way to destroy these squiggly terrors is...no, not salt, but with electricity. Electricity and explosives. Blow 'em up real good. Yep. Because let's face it, this movie is set in America and, dammit, that's the American way.

Now so far in this review you may be thinking that I'm getting ready to slam Slugs. Hard. After all, I can only talk about the grisly effects, the warped plot and overall lack of common sense.

But hold on: this is JP Simon we're talking about. That alone gives this movie a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card. The enthusiasm throughout Slugs is apparent, even if the acting isn't so much. Even through the ridiculous parts (which are many), everyone keeps their composure and sallies forth.

Music guy Tim Souster slaps in inappropriate music at times when they sound more befitting to a sitcom but, for Slugs, it works. Weird, but it works.

While there's no Cameron Mitchells here to chew scenery (like in Supersonic) it's all good, since actors are only perfunctory in Slugs; this is a movie about victims. Victims who are going to be eaten by slugs. Now this sounds kind of like waffling on my part, what with my diatribes on the Friday the 13th movies, but this is altogether different. This is a tone and level of acting that works and fits the material. The Fridays, done by Americans here in America, are just too darn flat and clinical. This is foreign - and the out-of-country sensibility helps it rise above its source and soar to heights of hysteria, creativity and bloodiness only dreamed of before.

So, you see?

JP directs it all in a sinisterly off-putting manner, as if it were originally a made-for-TV special then got released to theaters instead and so some "special added footage" was spliced in to give it that great "eeuccchh" factor. But you know what? JP Simon movies have that special charm that your run-of-the-mill SyFy Channel movie just cannot attain. The kind of feel that this is all-or-nothing. The more the merrier. JP and company spent good money to get guts and gore up on that screen - they're gonna follow through and make 'em stick up there! And unlike a monster movie where you feel their budget was blown to pay for Winona Ryder or Treat Williams in the cast, every penny spent on Slugs is right there on the screen. In short: you, the viewer, get your money's worth.

Slugs works and, for the willing, it's fun. For you who like horror movies such as The Thing and The Beyond and Dead Alive, this is a ride that will whip you around at top speed from beginning to end, first scene to last.

It worked for me, and being a fan of the man helps. If you appreciate JP Simon and have never heard of Slugs before now, say hello to your new favorite movie.

So dive in. Take the challenge. Say yes to Slugs.

And don't forget the salt.

Doggin' The Wax

Steady B, Cool C and their weedcarrier/pistol shiner Ultimate Eaze may have offered rap-nerds the challenge of coming up with our own humourous acronyms for their C.E.B group (Countin' Endless Bummings/Buttfucks wins every time for the 3 lifers), but Dope-E of The Terrorists and K-Rino's first group C.O.D dispensed which such formalties entirely when they dropped their one and only EP under the name C.O.D AKA Cummin' Out Doggin' back in 1990 :



Best EP title ever? Clearly, international readers are going to be unfamiliar with big Stan up-top, but do Americans, Canadians and continental Europeans practice the dogging too or have you got your own country-specific terms for it?

Anyway, as the first proper outing by both Dope-E before he formed The Terrorists and K-Rino before his solo debut in 1993 (he'd dropped a 12" under the name of Real Chill back in 1986 which I've never heard but, suprise suprise, a couple of godamn Finnish dudes are selling on Discogs currently. Worth taking a shot on for around 30 Euros including postage?) and possibly the first real South Park Coalition release, you might imagine this is only of note for it's amusing title or K-Rino's Scouser style shellshuit top and Dope-E's dapper mustard coloured outfit on the cover or as an historical artifact, but it's a pretty good EP, you know.

Here we find our 2 S.P.C allstars as a duo in the vein of EPMD with both of them rapping and Dope-E as the Erick Sermon figure handling all the production. As is often the case with releases from this era, the best moments are the nutgrabbin' We Have Rap Skillz! track and the We Hate Golddigging Groupie Skanks! track :

C.O.D - Clever Word



Absolutely no faffing about with this one as K-Rino emerges fully formed as the K-Rino I first heard on Ganksta N-I-P's S.P.C posse track Rough Brothers From South Park 2 or 3 years later to demolish this shit. File this alongside Headin' Fo' My Trunk by PSK-13 under the banner of S.P.C bangers you'd use as entrance music if you were a 90s ECW wrestler.

C.O.D - Fulla Dem Games



2 birds with 1 stone on here, as this is the EP's ode to misogyny and the prerequisite bass heavy car-friendly cut rolled into one. Chalk this one up as an early example of shot-firin' at nappy headed hoes, but the song's finest moment is K-Rino referring to a less than trustworthy lady of the night he's come into contact with as a "scheming lil' parrot". This seething resentment continued for 9 years until LL Cool J finally squashed the long-standing beef between rappers and the parrot community when he took 1 for the team and allowed himself to be outshined by one in Deep Blue Sea.

Mel Brooks FINALLY Gets a Walk of Fame Star!

And it's about time, too.

I mean, come on: this is the man who made farting around the campfire high comedy. He helped create Maxwell Smart and Max Bialystock, made silent movies funny again and put Jews in space.

Mel Brooks is just about the funniest man on the planet and he did it from the ground up, so to speak. He's earned every one of the laughs he got the old fashioned way - he knows what's funny.

The old story from Roger Ebert goes that in Mel's days as a writer on "Your Show of Shows", star Sid Caesar would storm into the writing rooms, pick up a desk, toss it and yell, "FUNNIER!"

It worked.

Twelve movies directed, thirty-five writing credits, thirty-five more acting stints and seventeen productions to his name (including actual serious flicks like 84 Charing Cross Road, Frances and The Elephant Man), Mel has proved that he has what it takes, does what is necessary and knows what it means to entertain.

After all, this is the man who made a Broadway play about Adolf Hitler funny. He knows what he's doing.

So from the MBZ, congrats go out to Mel Brooks. May people walk on you and take pictures of you at their feet for years to come.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Okay, right now I know you're looking at the title for this review and recalling my previous opinions on Friday the 13th (1980). That being fresh enough in your mind, you would rightly ask yourself: "Dope, why???"

It's not like I don't have enough movies to look over, and I know that in the time I've had this blog I have had more than enough opportunity to give each and every one of my readers the chance to take in separate divisions of this genre (the Mad -and sometimes masked- Slasher genre in this case); after all, I haven't even touched on Halloween, Pieces, The Eyes of Laura Mars or anything by Dario Argento yet. So why take any time at all to talk about Friday the 13th Part 2?

Because I have the first four movies of the series, and I believe that if I'm going to talk about one, I might as well talk about the rest. Duh.

Remember the friend I mentioned a few reviews ago who saw the first Friday movie just to catch the Psycho references? Well (hi again, friend - I mentioned you in another review!), she and her son saw the next couple of movies in the series at the same time, just so they could say they gave each of the first films a fair comparison, one to the other.

Fair enough. What, then, is there to compare between Friday the 13th and Friday the 13th Part 2?

Believe it or not there are comparisons to be made between these films and I'll get to them all in a minute. But we must get to the technical stuff first.

The story...hee hee, I said "story" in a Mad Slasher film, hee hee...okay, I'm back. It's a year after the events of the first film and the final girl from said events (Adrienne King) has about five minutes or so of film time having nightmares in her apartment, taking a shower, arguing with her mother on the phone and getting a cup of tea started...just to establish that even though events in Friday the 13th came full circle, the nightmare isn't over (dun dun dunnnnn....).

Seems a fresh new batch of counselors are coming in from all points to head up counseling duties in a summer camp a few miles down the road from Crystal Lake. Now shut down, doubtless because of prior events, it is close enough for kids to be spooked by stories of Jason (the drowned boy who set things in motion) still roaming the woods, living off the land, hunting down and killing anyone who dares set foot in his woods. All of this is, of course, told around a campfire.

So much for exposition.

Soon after, one of the girls in camp, Ginny (Amy Steel, no relation to Alex Rebar or Drake Tungsten), starts wondering about Jason, real or legend, and what his psyche must be like after all he has gone through. Naturally, no one she talks to about this takes her seriously because they're either drunk or horny or both and sooner or later they're all going to be either dead or disappear mysteriously.

Only one person's responsible...and it sure ain't Jason's mom this time....

If everything in Part 2 feels kind of rushed and slap-dash it's for good reason; this sequel came out less than a year after the first movie was released. Judging from the box office receipts and want for product, the suits at Paramount Pictures knew a cash cow when they saw one and decided to hurry and hitch this one up to the milking machine before she ran dry.

And hurry they did: they got writer Ron Kurz to simply do a carbon copy of what he (ghost) wrote for the first film and, apparently, Kurz wrote as if he was setting up characters for a video game: set up target, send in killer, fake shock, surprise, kill. Repeat cycle as necessary. And this was the guy who wrote the legendary Animal House-ripoff King Frat. We're in good hands, people....

Director Steve Miner started a career as Mad Slasher filmer that would go on for decades, not overshadowed in the least by the fact that he also directed films like Soul Man, Forever Young and Big Bully. And all of them were directed jumpier than a hyperactive poodle, scenes were set up with sledgehammer subtlety and edited with a jackhammer. You can take the director away from the blood, BUT....

Let's put it this way: Alfred Hitchcock played his audience like a piano; Steve Miner plays his like a kazoo.

What about the acting? Even though Steel plays the damsel in distress passably and at least tries to make it look like there's at least one brain functioning amid all the bloodletting, no one else in this cast helps her in the least. These are all good-looking kids with bright smiles and active libidos, asking to be macheted, chopped, stabbed, strangled and otherwise killed.

Even Walt Gorney, everyone's favorite crazy guy, doesn't even get as much screen time here. Does his "you're all doomed" spiel then that's it. Killed. Pretty easily too for a crazy guy. And did you know Gorney was in movies like Trading Places and Endless Love and Easy Money and the '76 remake of King Kong? Neither did I.

And Betsy Palmer...just when she thought she was out, they drag her back in. As a ghostly presence, natch, but there she is. Hopefully, THAT paid off her new car she wanted. And they couldn't even make her mummified head look much like her. Maybe that was her stand-in...?

(Special notice must be given to Stuart Charno. He played a counselor named Ted and was easily both the most irritating and the most interesting character in this entire movie. Love him or hate him, he at least kept things alive while he was on screen. Oh, he doesn't get killed, though - that is a good thing for those who enjoyed him, bad for those who wanted him to be the first victim. Either way, Stu has enjoyed a long career in Hollywood, in spite of - or maybe because of - Part 2.)

This would all be overshadowed if everyone would have learned their lesson from the first Friday and just embrace their origins (artistic Italian giallo) and went hog wild with insane camera angles, bright color schemes, inventive deaths, hysterical overacting and creative situations. You haven't seen so many strike-outs since the 1952 Washington Senators.

But acting, directing, writing and style all take a seat way back in the rear of the bus whereas the front seats are taken up by blood. Buckets of it. Torrents. And dead bodies galore. The producers knew that the audience that saw Friday the 13th the first time wanted more of the same the next time around. And this isn't exactly the Oscar Committee here. Sprinkle some blood and guts on their popcorn and Milk Duds and they're happy...and more importantly come back for seconds. And thirds. Maybe even fourths.

They got what they wanted: for a budget of a little over $1 million Paramount got back over $21 million. And that was in its initial release. You can bet that video rentals and sales blew that number out of the water. Behold the power of sleaze.

As I wondered in my review for Friday the 13th, where is the irony here? Even in Italy they knew, when there were characters in these movies where an unknown assailant was killing everyone in sight, that a bit of gallows humor and ironic observation made all the difference in the world. Are we that much different here in the States? Do we just want death, period? We watch something like Four Flies on Grey Velvet and The Bird with the Crystal Plumage and are floored with the idea that such style and substance can coincide with people being killed. Then when we try to do the same thing on American soil, it just falls apart.

Why? Because we're Americans. We don't want to wait to get to Point B. The lowest common denominator should be as close and as attainable as possible. We don't want art. We don't want characters. And we sure don't want creativity. Give us blood and lots of it.

Whatever else you'll say about them, Steve Miner and Ron Kurz knew what America wanted and they gave it to us. Fast.

And when it comes to Mad Slasher movies, Friday the 13th Part 2 is just another restaurant in the fast food franchise that's served billions of customers.

Just don't expect to see any James Beard awards herein.

Or any others, for that matter.

celestially yours

i am really looking forward to this film. it features dr. ronald chevalier who is a renowned science fiction writer, artist, and oracle of wisdom.

celestially yours

i am really looking forward to this film. it features dr. ronald chevalier who is a renowned science fiction writer, artist, and oracle of wisdom.