Rapid-Fire Reviewing - AGAIN!

Here we go!

2001: A SPACE TRAVESTY - Any spoof with Leslie Nielsen starring in it is good, right? Wrong. Heywood Floyd's last colonoscopy would have been funnier.

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON - John Landis, David Naughton, Rick Baker and lycanthropes never had it so good.

THE BEYOND - Say what you will about Lucio Fulci, the man could direct giallos, zombies and blood like few could - combining them, even!

CLOVERFIELD - A big-budget clone of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT? Didn't they already do that with BOOK OF SHADOWS without all the kaiju?

THE DEADLY SPAWN - You wanna see what you can do with a very small budget and lotsa imagination? Rent this.

EARTHQUAKE - A 70's disaster movie without Irwin Allen? Imagine being stuck in a washing machine with George Kennedy...in Sensurround!

FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE SPACE MONSTER - Cheap cheap cheap cheap - oh, look; a melted android - cheap cheap cheap cheap.

GODZILLA VS. MEGALON - My favorite Godzilla movie of all time. To hell with all of you.

HISTORY OF THE WORLD: PART I - Mel Brooks parodies beat anything by Friedberg & Seltzer to death with a lead pipe and incendiary bombs. Go, Mel!

INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES - Any outer space scene with sound FX by a vaccuum cleaner is my favorite.

JAWS 3 - As a drama, it's a great comedy.

KOYANNISQATSI - Even if you're sober, this film'll make you feel stoned. In a good way. Really.

THE LEGEND OF THE LONE RANGER - Yes, the Klinton Spilsbury movie. And everything you've heard is true. It stinks.

THE MANITOU - Tony Curtis vs. an Indian medicine man in his wife's neck. Yep.

NUKIE - Imagine E.T. with less charm, no sophistication, no wonder, Glynnis Johns and a talking chimpanzee.

THE ODD COUPLE - Only a curmudgeon could hate Lemmon and Matthau's most famous outing, courtesy of Neil Simon. Catch this one.

PINOCCHIO IN OUTER SPACE - Not a shade on the Disney classic, but it's at least more entertaining than Roberto Benigni's remake - and it has Arnold Stang!

RAT PFINK A BOO BOO - I love this film more than I love my family. Of course my family doesn't have Kogar The Swinging Ape in it, either.

SLAUGHTER HIGH - Really stinks and stupid to boot; not even bad in a good way, either. Poor Simon Scuddamore....

TITANIC: THE ANIMATED MOVIE - So bad and so wrong in so many ways, and I have Unknown Movies to thank! Thaks for steering me onto this'n, gang!

VAN HELSING - Wow. Remember when you went to movies like this and said "Hey, I can see the string"? Well, here you'll be saying, "Hey, I can see the CGI"!

WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS - Russ Tamblyn may be wooden, but the rest of this flick is what lazy Saturday afternoon TV is made of. 40 year-olds, are ya with me?!

XTRO - Gloppy, disgusting and generally confusng in several spots, including the ending. This is why England isn't allowed to watch any more American movies.

ZABRISKIE POINT - Terrible film, but at least it was pretty to look at American commercialism through the eyes of a European.

...There you go; consider yourself well-informed.

Dope out, and until next time, the balcony is closed.

-TGWD