Trending RIGHT Now (4/30/11)

 1. Cloris Leachman - In a press conference today, Miss Leachman denied rumors that she was, in fact, dead.  Though when confronted with obituaries, autopsy reports and various eyewitnesses who claimed to have been at her funeral recently, Miss Leachman finally admitted that she "may have been infected with that 'virus thing' that's kept Henry Kissinger alive all these years".

2. Hayden Panettiere - Upset that she has been typecast ever since the "Heroes" TV series, she is now relieved that she is moving past such "teenybopper cheerleader nonsense" and announced her upcoming movie role which she admits is "far more mature than anything I've done before".  Speaking of which, you can catch her as Red Riding Hood in Hoodwinked Three: Another Damn Animated Fairy Tale Thing in theaters in 2012.

 3. Tiger Woods - Sources close to Woods refuse to comment on his professional nor his personal life , except to say that Woods is having more trouble than usual getting it in the hole.  Questions about his balls were not immediately answered.

 4. Jordana Brewster - Although she may be an actress, 75% of those polled believed her to be a close relation to Punky and wondered why she didn't wear the mismatched shoes anymore.

 5. Medicaid health insurance - These three words have entered the same lexicon as other foreboding words of doom such as "triple bypass surgery", "level three earthquake" or "mother's coming over".  And yet, the list is still topped by the highest-rated triplet of doom, "Madonna's latest movie".

 6. Kate Middleton - Now officially a princess, she is still going through a rigorous course of lessons in order to learn the proper way to stand on balconies, wave by just slightly turning her wrist and correct tiara placement.  Future classes will teach how to greet new family members (first lesson: "Yo! Wassup!" is usually incorrect).

 7. David Beckham - His wife reports that he is still "bending it".  Film at 11.

 8. Gold futures - Experts predict that gold will still be useful for years to come for bricks, fingers, members and people with first names like Tracey and Missy.  However, it will lose popularity for musical artists who still prefer platinum overall.

 9. Baby names - A drastic downswing in Sixties baby names has been reported, except in southern California, where at least fifteen new births have been reported with the first name Cloud.  Others such as Rainbow, Freelove, Dylan and Sinsemilla have also been reported.

 10. Tungurahua volcano - Upset that the rest of the world's attention has been on Japan and the American South natural-disaster-wise, Ecuador's most popular volcano decided to make itself known today.  Though nearby residents are concerned that Tungurahua may have "overdone it.  A little".