Commando (1985)

In reviewing yet another film that came from the worst year ever for movies (1985), I don't think it's altogether fair of me to take for granted that, just because it DID come from the year it did, it will automatically suck harder than 5000 leeches. Granted, I'm biased in my writing because I have 90 good examples which prove that a lot of movies released in 1985 were the worst ever made.

However, the universe being as it is, there are going to be differences to the rules and there will be exceptions. Hey, didn't I rule favorably towards Return of the Living Dead? Of course, it's going to take a lot to sway me from my pre-conceived notions of the stinkiest time of all for the film world. What it would take, honestly, is a super-human effort.

And with that in mind, let's take a moment and talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Many people think that the Arnie we know and love was begat as a rock-'em sock-'em robot in the 1984 classic The Terminator. And while this is somewhat true, that movie only scratches the surface.

The Austrian Oak actually worked long before that as an actor - his debut was a little film called Hercules In New York as (naturally) the Greek God of muscles. He was also in many TV shows and had a great part in the 1976 Bob Rafelson film Stay Hungry where he played a bodybuilder who had a whole lotta personality (and a penchant for fiddle-playing, too). And we shouldn't forget that he also played Robert E. Howard's favorite barbarian Conan (twice). Then he became one of the best-remembered villains of 1984 thanks in large to James Cameron deciding to cast him instead of first choices Jürgen Prochnow, Mel Gibson or O.J. Simpson. History was made and Schwarzenegger became - in spite of the length of it - a household name.

Now the Terminator character was an unstoppable killing machine, yes, but he was also a cyborg - something that is unstoppable no matter what, anyway. It just does what it's programmed to do. That it was played by Schwarzenegger as a humanoid version of a Sherman tank was only logical.

So, then, if you need a flesh-and-blood character who faces innumerable physical challenges, insurmountable tests of strength and is expected to operate every known form of deadly weapon created except a rock axe, and is still a flesh-and-blood human...well, you could do a heck of a lot worse in terms of do-ability than our boy Arnie.

Of course, not only is he a machine of death and an irresistible force meeting many unyielding objects with horrific force and bloody destruction...he's also a concerned dad. Commando gives us The Schwartz as the kind of father that any child could only dream of having as a provider, protector and figure to look up to. With a whole arsenal at his disposal.

Oh yeah, the plot...retired Special Forces Colonel John Matrix's (Schwarzenegger's) daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano) is kidnapped to force him to kill the opponent of exiled dictator Arius (Dan Hedeya). Instead, he wages an all-out one-man war on the teeming masses of henchmen out to stop him. All roads lead to a literal lone assault on the heavily-guarded compound of the dictator...and a showdown with old frenemy Bennett (Vernon Wells). And somehow an airline stewardess (Rae Dawn Chong) gets dragged into the middle of the eye of the storm known as Matrix.

Brothers and sisters, can I have a witness: is this or is this not THE MOST bloody, violent, nasty, vile and funny guy's action ever made EVER?? Director Mark L. Lester (Class of1984, Roller Boogie, Firestarter) frames the action like a gigantic, chortling, testosterone-filled joyride jam-packed to the point of rupturing with bright lights, huge explosions, a staggering number of stunts and more jaw-dropping violence than there are stars in your eyes after getting punched in the head by Our Favorite Austrian.

It almost seems too simple and straightforward a storyline, doesn't it? Revenge action films aren't exactly known for their intricate arcs and detailed characterizations. However, Commando had its script cranked up to 11+ maximum strength by writers Joseph Loeb III (Teen Wolf, Burglar, kid's TV show "Seven Little Monsters"), Matthew Weisman (Teen Wolf, Burglar, kid's TV show "Seven Little Monsters"...hmm, at least they work well together...) and the grand master flash of such scripting Steven E. de Souza. You recall Steven as a man who has written some of the biggest, hardest and downright rowdiest actioners ever; he's done some good (48 Hrs., Die Hard), he's done some bad (Hudson Hawk, Street Fighter) and he's also done some that are downright ugly (Judge Dredd, The Flintstones). You can't deny that he's the man to go to when it comes to action flicks, however.

All three writers combine their efforts well herein, to make a super-kinetic story that will make you laugh one minute, yell out in joy and surprise the next and then...laugh again, probably. After all, what do you expect from the first movie where Schwarzenegger recaps his Terminator "I'll be back" line, and that isn't even isn't the biggest highlight?

Think about it: Schwarzenegger doesn't do a single thing in this movie that any sane human would do, even with an overt build like his. He carries wood logs on his shoulder (no, not planks - WHOLE LOGS), shoves brake-less trucks down steep hills and and rides them all the way down, dives off departing airplane wheels, suspends people by one leg (with his weak arm) over plummeting drops and, at one point, holds more guns, knives and assorted ammunition on his body than they carry at Uncle Bob's Used Ammo Store and Nunchuck Depository. But yet he still has time to clown around and be a doting father for his little daughter, as proved in a touching montage showing them feeding a deer, sharing ice cream and practicing deadly self-defense moves.

Awwwiddindatdacewtestwiddletiiiing....

None of this would make the slightest bit of difference if there wasn't a cast on-hand to bring it all home with conviction. And fortunately Lester and company brought together some real pros all the way around.

As the anchor of the story, Schwarzenegger may not alter his expression from perturbed to vicious very often, but as a One-Man Army (c), he does everything you'd expect and even a few things that you may not expect but still appreciate. He rips steam pipes out of walls, flips over cars with his bare hands, bulges his every square inch of body 24/7 and apparently can make even a phone booth a weapon of mass destruction. Even his voice suggests the kind of growling adrenaline junkie who regularly kicks assorted varieties of butt on a daily basis and has a nice healthy serving of Green Beret every morning with his Wheaties. In short, your typical Eighties Schwarzenegger action performance, and worth the time it takes to watch him decimate city blocks, neighborhoods and entire military installations.

Hedeya, who is known best as an accomplished comic actor in films like The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, Wise Guys, The Addams Family and The First Wives Club, makes an effectively slimy dictator (even if his accent is a bit suspect).

Wells is almost as effectively nuts here as when he played the ferociously nasty Wez in The Road Warrior (albeit with a strip more hair); of course, one just has to go as far as Weird Science, Innerspace and Circuitry Man to realize that when it comes to weird villains, he has a lot going for him - especially in the wild, crazy eyes department. Not exactly the kind of man you want to see coming after you with a big honking knife while dressed in an iron mesh vest.

Chong provides the primary female counterpoint for all the male bonding and dismembering, and does so quite entertainingly, as she basically voices the normal reaction of any female viewer in the audience (she comments during one nasty fight, "These guys eat way too much red meat!"). Reflecting on her breakthrough in Quest for Fire and on through such works as this, Beat Street and The Color Purple, she at least becomes a believable person amongst the male-enhanced madness.

Milano takes what is basically the role of MacGuffin and does the best job she can as Matrix's resilient little girl. Always a good actress even at a young age, Milano is great but, unfortunately, slightly-used. Yet not every victim in a movie like this relishes the bad guy getting his face smashed in as she does.

And while theirs are great performances, I'd be remiss if I ignored the yeoman contributions of David Patrick Kelly (a man who has made a career out of playing creepy, sneering villains), Bill Duke (a good actor who also made a great director for movies like A Rage in Harlem and The Cemetery Club), James Olson (who turned in other memorable parts in such films as Ragtime and Amityville II: The Possession) and Ava "Girl in Bed at Motel" Cadell to consider. What TALENTS...I mean, er, TALENT.

You can fast-forward to any part of this movie, stop and watch and there will be a show-stopping moment of dialogue, action, violence, scenery exploding or any of a variation of the "Suspension of Belief Theory" in action. Schwarzenegger gets blown up with a bazooka in a police van and climbs out with only a little smoke damage - same as the cops driving the van. Airplanes change makes and models in mid-flight. People grab doors off of furnaces without getting so much as a singe off their knuckle hair. But what does it matter? Do YOU care? Should you care? Is it really all that important that there are more than enough inconsistencies in Commando that you could write a whole new movie based on them?

Not really; anyone who wants to see an action movie where over EIGHTY people get knocked off from beginning to end is going to be more than willing to suspend every available thread of belief in their brain in order to enjoy the boom-boom sensibility of Commando, where the most sensible thing about it is the cast doesn't fly around on pterodactyls and shoot each other with laser guns. Not that it wouldn't make it an even-more entertaining film, but at least it stays grounded in a recognizable version of reality.

Even so, it's clear enough that Commando is also one of the most funny violent films ever - the amount of one-liners staggered about the running time give the impression that the usual gang of idiots over at Mad Magazine wrote an action film. After all, any movie that has a Teflon hero like Ah-nuld who breezes through bad guys like targets at a shooing gallery and whips off lines like "Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired" and "You're a funny guy...that's why I'm going to kill you last" is definitely not without merit. In fact, it can very well be argued that Commando is the epitome of Eighties action movies. It may not make sense but it does make for impressive carnage.

After all was said and done this little $10 million movie made back almost six times that. Even more importantly, Commando also helped set Schwarzenegger up for the prerequisite bigger and better things. Decades'-worth of films in which every single thing known to man gets blown up or beat up by Arnold's hand. Small wonder that he will forever be known as THE man of action - and smaller wonder still that it was thanks largely to this movie that such a reputation came to be.

I really do enjoy Commando - for all its big dumb dialogue, big dumb characters and big dumb moments of action, it made the most of all its ninety minutes for the better. You can't possibly watch a film like this one and not find yourself smiling at every development onscreen, armed and dangerous or not.

Therefore, if you who claim to be a fan of all action movies have yet to watch what could very well be the archetype for Eighties action, get thee to a rental kiosk and rent thee Commando; thou shalt not be disappointed.

I understand that a sequel was being developed for this movie based on the book "Nothing Lasts Forever" by Roderick Thorpe but, with Arnie's fear of under-performing sequels he declined to participate. But with a few rewrites and different casting, a movie was made from that book - and that movie was Die Hard.

So think about that: we very well could have had a Die Hard starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Of course then a by-product of that version would be that the finale would have our hero neatly fold Alan Rickman in fifths and toss him down a mail chute, fling Alexander Godunov through the air and into the next county and destroy all of downtown Los Angeles instead of one building. Oh well, that's recasting for you.