1985 was the WORST Year for Movies - Part Nine

Well, we all knew the day would come.

This is the last of my diatribes against this, the worst of all years for motion pictures.

The pits of the century.

And since I'm comfortably certain I won't be around to comment that 2085 was the WORST Year for Movies, I will let future generations look back on these writings and shudder with a frightening possibility that there may be indeed another year which is just as bad as this one.

Talk about a longshot.

So, go on ahead and take a look at these, the final choices from Ground Zero for lousiness. Look on their works, ye mighty, and despair.

And for the last time, in random order:

THAT WAS THEN...THIS IS NOW

Author S.E. Hinton's books had a lot of filmed exposure in the early Eighties, what with 1982's Tex (starring Matt Dillon) and 1983's Rumble Fish (starring Matt Dillon and Mickey Rourke) and The Outsiders (starring Matt Dillon and every major young male actor in Hollywood at the time). That was Then...This is Now seems made as either an afterthought or to finish out a contractual obligation. It's nothing on its betters, nowhere nearly as well-directed and features Emilio Estevez in one of his early performances on his way to becoming a Brat Packer and B-movie staple Craig Sheffer, stumbling away from Voyage of the Rock Aliens. Maybe they should have paid the extra money and got Matt Dillon....



TOMBOY

Every year has its share of stupid, sleazy sex comedies. 1985 was no different but in Tomboy the viewer must watch Betsy Russell squander away a once-promising career in trash about a pretty girl who's a good mechanic, loves cars and - gasp - can race against the best guys around! This would have been popular around the 1950s (when this was news), but this is the 1980s (when this was NOT news) and only serves to flash breasts, butts, and misplaced machismo with some well-placed swear words and the caveman aesthetic against women in general. Betsy Russell, where are you? Come back to us, all is forgiven.




GOTCHA!

Jeff Kanew directed Revenge of the Nerds. Is this the guy you want directing your college comedy/spy intrigue/romance movie? I'd say no, but then again what do I know? Anthony Edwards tries his best and Linda Fiorentino adds immeasurable class but Gotcha! serves only as a reminder that the Cold War is over, punk is dead, T.A.G.: The Assassination Game was far better, Kanew is a boring hack director and Linda Fiorentino could make a movie about compost heaps sexy. Too bad Gotcha! was one compost heap she couldn't work her magic on.





SECRET ADMIRER

Here's a teenie comedy with the same idea as A Letter to Three Wives (kinda-sorta) only this time a love letter makes the rounds in a small town, igniting passion, confusion and hi-jinks galore. How could such a sure fire idea fail so completely? By being under-written, directed like a dog food commercial and lazily cast (Lori Loughlin...C. Thomas Howell...Kelly Preston...they were in all these kind of movies) and poor Dee Wallace-Stone is dragged into this for no reason whatsoever.







SUBWAY

Luc Besson wrote and directed a lot of movies, but this is one that gives art films a bad name. A shockingly blond Christopher Lambert stumbles around a subway in Paris, Isabelle Adjani bumps into him every so often, lots of neon and sleek Eighties architecture and art glides by and we soon realize - after a dying Lambert starts singing along with the end credits song - that we've watched nothing. This is worse than Last Year at Marienbad and that's saying a lot.








FINAL JUSTICE

It's not every actor who can make a career out of playing the same character in different movies. Joe Don Baker has played Buford Pusser in every movie he's been in since 1973...even when that wasn't necessarily who the character was supposed to be. Final Justice extends the partnership between Joe Don and writer/director/actor Greydon Clark, this time by playing a Texas sheriff extraditing a dangerous criminal to Malta. At least Mitchell had a Seventies vibe going for it - this thing doesn't even have a decent ending! I hate you, Malta!!





DON'T MESS WITH MY SISTER!

What? Another movie by the I Spit on Your Grave guys? Didn't we learn anything from watching I Spit on Your Grave? Like idiots such as these should never be let anywhere near camera equipment ever again??? Apparently not, judging from this story about a married idiot who has an affair with a belly dancer, his wife finding out about it and having her brothers go after him - presumably not for a heart-to-heart. There's two reasons director/writer Meir Zarchi has no career. One is I Spit on Your Grave. The other is this movie.





THE GALAXY INVADER

If this were any lower-budgeted, the boom mics would get acting credits. No one here can act, the alien looks stupid and the story isn't even any good: alien lands on Earth, its glowing ball is stolen, rednecks try to kill it and the camera watches it all even more blankly than the "actors" do. When you can't even hit someone in the head with a shovel convincingly, it's time to turn in your SAG card. And your dignity.









CAVEGIRL

Remember Journey to the Center of the Earth where the archaeologist finds a prehistoric civilization? Well, don't think about it while watching Cavegirl or you'll just start crying. Here, our tubby archaeologist geek guy goes through the same motions just to get lucky with a hot cave chick. Of course. Naturally. Happens all the time. No wonder "USA Up All Night" showed this whenever they ran out of their regular crappy movies. Stupid, stupid, stupid.







HOWLING II: YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF

This is it: the worst sequel ever made. Ever. Worse than The French Connection 2. Worse than Pet Sematary 2. Worse than Sister Act 2. This thing has a tenuous-at-best connection with The Howling, none of the same actors, special effects that don't deserve the moniker "special", is set in Transylvania during a poorly-planned folk festival, replaces respected director Joe Dante with disrespected hack Philippe Mora and makes absolutely no sense at any point whatsoever. In spite of the casting of Christopher Lee (in his FIRST werewolf movie) and slinky siren Sybil Danning (rowrrrrr), their efforts are shot down in flames by the single addition of Reb Brown, who is less Yor: The Hunter from the Future than he is Space Mutiny. Screaming like a girl and all. Oh and there's a handful of stupid-looking werewolves too, but feh on them.

There you have it. The end. There it goes: 1985 sailing off into the sunset on a sinking, burning boat loaded with junk, crap, refuse and filth so horrid that the rats bailed long ago.

I hope that this was as cleansing an experience for your souls as it was for mine. I can now look back on 1985 with a clean heart and a new perspective - one in which I understand more why I despised, and perhaps can embrace these poor wretches and hold them closer, telling them that I could even learn to...to....

Oh, whatever: DIE, 1985! DIE!!!!!!!

Dope out.

- TGWD