Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008)

Those of you who are fans and have been fans since day one, when the very first (or fourth, or whatever) Star Wars film reached theaters in '77, know as well as I do that many words have been used to describe the emotional and personal effect of a Star Wars movie.

Some choice ones have been:

"action-packed"

"mesmerizing"

"imaginative"

"thrilling"

"eye-popping"

"fun"

...and the more recently-used "disappointing".

But never before has the following word ever been used:

"Cute".

That is, not until now.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars is not your average SW movie, and I have seen all of them (heck, I even saw "The Star Wars Holiday Special", so don't tell me about bad SW) - no, this is a special case. You see, this is not the first animated Star Wars offering (that would have been the little animated segment featuring the debut of Boba Fett in the "Holiday Special"), but it is a movie that heralded the same-named series that then featured over on Cartoon Network.

Yeah, yeah, I can hear the rabid SW fan spitting out at their PC screen, but is it any good??

Well, good is in the eye of the beholder, my friend. After all, if you are any kind of fan, then you have witnessed every incarnation of the worldwide Star Wars phenom that has swarmed out of Skywalker Ranch.

From the good to the bad to the Ewok specials with Wilford Brimley right down to Jar Jar.

So to better understand and wrap your brain around this latest spawn, let us view each part of this film and break it down.

THE BEGINNING will take most hardened SW fans by shock: there is NO familiar blare of the 20th Century Fox fanfare and swooping spotlights; this one was distributed by Warner Bros. instead (most likely because they were willing to foot the bill for the animation). And after a semi-reassuring Lucasarts logo flashes upon the screen, followed by the blue-lettering-on-black-background static of "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...", up comes the title fading back into the stars...with a completely different theme and no text crawl immediately after: just a cheesy narrator announcing what is going to happen in a cheesy way. Hey guys; even for a cartoon, at least stay consistent with your opening, huh?

THE PLOT deals with Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi trying to gain a route through spaceways controlled by Jabba the Hutt by rescuing Jabba's kidnapped son who has been taken by Count Dooku and his apprentice Asajj Ventress. Intrigue and adventure should follow...but instead it somehow feels like the story was pieced together by (Lord help me) fanboys. Lots of action to keep everyone distracted, to be sure, and periodic appearances by familiar faces (Padme Amidala, C-3PO, Mace Windu) but so much of it is repetitive and has battle scenes that go on forever without any point or even the slightest excitement that it wears you out. I think this is the first Star Wars movie I've ever watched where the action slowed things down.

THE CHARACTERS are about what you'd expect, except maybe a little more bland - Obi Wan and Anakin have lots to do but do it blandly. Anakin gets a new padawan apprentice in the form of young Ahsoka Tano who acts and talks more like a earthbound teenage girl than any character that would be at home in the SW universe. The only characters that leave any kind of impression are the villains...if only the heroes had the same kind of impact....

One character in particular is infuriating: a Hutt named Ziro (pronounced "zero", ironically), who is Jabba's uncle, may play a pivotal role herein but also comes across as a big purple slug with feathers, makeup - and the voice of Truman Capote. I am not kidding - God, I wish I was - and every time he is onscreen, a tiny bit of the movie dies more. If you yourself are wondering what an alien monster is doing all frocked up and imitating Capote in a movie that is supposed to be part of the George Lucas universe, you are far from being alone.

THE VOICE ACTING, as I said before about the characters, is bland. The movie was only able to retain a few of the actors from the live-action series and even though it seems they were only available for recording a day each, it is good to hear the voices of Anthony Daniels, Samuel L. Jackson and Christopher Lee, even if they're given little to say. Everyone else suffers on comparison. Matt Lanter sounds bland and uninterested as Anakin, James Arnold Taylor doesn't really have as much vocal presence as Obi-Wan as his live-action counterpart, Ashley Eckstein plays the padawan Ahsoka Tano like the latest up-and-coming star from The Disney Channel: whiny and irritating in equal order. And if nothing good can be said about the lead characters in your action-adventure-sci-fi fantasy film that millions of people will see due to name-recognition alone, maybe your producers need to shell out the extra bucks and go for the original talent instead - oh yeah, and better writers.

THE ANIMATION almost saves this one; after all, without the confines of live action and being set-bound, the art of animation and computer graphics can give your world a unique texture and fluidity that all the set builders and costumers in the world fall short of. The characters all look rather blocky and unfinished, kind of like a Pixar film that got lost in mid-production. But don't get me wrong; there are some good moments here with ships swooping all around, lasers whipping by, explosions blossoming like wildflowers, odd-shaped aliens and vast planetary vistas and wastelands to tantalize the eye and artistic fancy of the viewer.

But as a wise man once said, liking a movie because it looks pretty is like buying a car because the tires are round. You expect it. It's a given. What good is a fancy, shiny new car if it has a rubber band for an engine?

Star Wars: The Clone Wars is a pretty package with a shiny surface without anything of substance within. Many would argue that many of the SW films are also the same way. But I argue that is not the case - at least, not as kid-oriented and childish as this film turned out to be. The audience for this film is the same that watches Cartoon Network on a daily basis and expects nothing more from a story that pretty colors, explosions, familiar characters and wall-to-wall action. No story, no characters and no emotional investment.

Lots of merchandising opportunities, though....

In the end, it made a lot of money (mostly because of the lack of big names and cheaper animation) and proved that as long as the brand name is popular enough, the fans will come to see the product. Not that this is necessarily a positive thing when you look at it from a "story" point of view, but as long as the money comes in who's to argue?

As I said before, this latest addition to the franchise ends up being cute. Cloyingly so, with an almost maddening desire to be inconsequential and service the lowest common denominator as quickly as possible. Once you see it, you'll quickly forget it and move on...after a nice long cry.

And once you see it, you may want to add two more words to describe Star Wars: The Clone Wars as well:

"NOT CANON".

Those would certainly end up being the most fitting.