What's Wrong with Television Today? Part I...

I see it's been quite awhile since I've written anything about the state of television nowadays, and since I fancy myself an all-purpose reviewer, let's go ahead and turn our attention to the One-Eyed Babysitter.

That didn't sound right. Anyway....

To sum up television nowadays in two words: it sucks.

To sum up television nowadays in three words: it sucks hard.

You can't deny that television has long since passed its Golden Years, whether you fondly remember the first days of Gunsmoke and Bonanza, or I Love Lucy and My Three Sons, or even The Cosby Show and Family Ties. Television just isn't what it used to be.

Why?

Because producers just plain got lazy. Instead of getting writers and stories and characters for shows, we instead have reality shows: just get some regular people in front of the camera, film what happens to them, voila! You got a show!

And every network (even fake networks like Fox) have at least one reality show on their roster. Let's see here, there's been...

The $25 Million Dollar Hoax, 13: Fear is Real, 16 & Pregnant, 18 Kids & Counting, 30 Days, 30 Seconds of Fame, 50 Cent: The Money and the Power, 8th & Ocean, 9 by Design, A Double Shot at Love, A Model Life with Petra Nemcova, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Addicted, Adventures in Hollyhood, Age of Love, The Agency, Airline, Airplane Repo, All American Girl, The Amazing Race, The Amazing Race: All-Stars, America's Best Dance Crew, America's Got Talent, America's Most Smartest Model, America's Next Muppet, America's Next Producer, America's Next Top Model, America's Toughest Jobs, American Chopper, American Gladiators, American Hot Rod, American Idol, American Inventor, American Loggers, American Pickers, American Dream Derby, American Juniors, Amish In The City, Amne$ia, Anchorwoman, The Anna Nicole Show, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Anything For Love, The Apprentice, The Apprentice: Los Angeles, The Celebrity Apprentice, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?, Are You Hot?, Armed & Famous, Arranged Marriage, The Ashlee Simpson Show, Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust, The Assistant, Average Joe, Average Joe: Hawaii, Average Joe: Adam Returns, Ax Men, The Baby Borrowers, Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor, The Bachelor: Paris, The Bachelor: Rome, The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman, The Bachelor: London Calling, The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, The Bachelorette, The Bad Girls Club, Baldwin Hills, Bank of Hollywood, Battleground Earth, Battle of the Network Reality Stars, Beauty And The Geek, Beg, Borrow & Deal, Being Bobby Brown, The Benefactor, Bethenny's Getting Married?, Better Half, The Beverly Hillbillies, Big Brother, Big Brother : All-Stars, Big Brother (International Editions), The Biggest Loser, The Biggest Loser: Couples, The Biggest Loser: Families, The Biggest Loser: Special Edition, Big Man on Campus, Bindi: The Jungle Girl, Black Gold, The Block, Blonde Charity Mafia, Blow Out, Blush, Boarding House: North Shore, Boot Camp, Born Country, Boy Meets Boy, Brat Camp, Breaking Bonaduce, Bridezillas, Bridget's Sexiest Beaches, Britain's Got Talent, Britney And Kevin: Chaotic, Bromance, The Buried Life, But The Sex Is So Good, Cake Boss, Can You Duet?, Canadian Idol, Carnie Wilson: Unstapled, The Casino, Celebrity Circus,Celebrity Cooking Showdown, Celebrity Duets, Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Mole Hawaii, Celebrity Mole Yucatan, Celebrity Rap Superstar, Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, CHA$E, Change of Heart, Chasing Farrah, Chef Academy, Chopped, The Chopping Block, The City, Clash of the Choirs, The Club, Cold Turkey, College Life, College Hill, The Colony, Combat Missions, The Complex, Confessions of a Matchmaker, Confessions of a Teen Idol, The Contender, Cops, Criss Angel Mindfreak, Croc Hunter Challenge, The Crocodile Hunter, Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants, Cupcake Sisters, Cupid, The Cut, Daisy of Love, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team, Dance Machine, Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann, Dance Your Ass Off, Dance Fever, Dancelife, Dancing with the Stars, Date My Ex: Jo & Slade, Date My House, Dating in the Dark, The Dating Experiment, DEA, Deadliest Catch, Deal Or No Deal, Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love, Denise Richards: It's Complicated, Destination Truth, Destroyed in Seconds, The Detonators, Dice Undisputed, DietTribe, Dinner: Impossible, Dirty Jobs, Dog The Bounty Hunter, Dog Whisperer, Dog Eat Dog, Don't Forget the Lyrics!, Double Exposure, Dr. Steve-O, Dream Job, Dress My Nest, Driving Force, Eco-Challenge: Fiji, Eco-Challenge: New Zealand, Eddie Griffin: Going for Broke, ego trip's The (White) Rapper Show, Engaged and Underage, Estate of Panic, Ex-Wives Club, The Exterminators, Extreme Makeover, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Fake-A-Date, Fame, The Family, Family Foreman, Family Business, Family Plots, Farmer Wants a Wife, The Fashion Show, The Fashionista Diaries, Fast Cars & Superstars, Fat March, Fear Factor, Find My Family, The First 48, Flavor of Love, Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School starring Mo'Nique, Flip This House, Flipping Out, Flowers Uncut with Jeff Leatham, Fly Girls, Food Detectives, For The Love of Ray J, For Better Or For Worse, Forever Eden, For Love Or Money, Frank the Entertainer... in a Basement Affair, From G's to Gents, Funniest Mom in America, Gay, Straight or Taken?, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters Academy, Ghost Hunters International, Ghost Lab, Gimme My Reality Show!, The Girls Next Door, Giuliana & Bill, Giving Hope, Gone Country, Gone Too Far, Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live, Grease: You're the One That I Want, Great American Road Trip, Greatest American Dog, Growing Up Gotti, Hammertime, Hard Knocks, Harlem Heights, Have Fork, Will Travel, Heli-Loggers, Hell Date, Hell's Kitchen, Here Come the Newlyweds, He's A Lady, Hey Paula, HGTV Design Star, High School Musical: Summer Session, High School Reunion, High Society, The Hills, Hit Me Baby One More Time, Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive, Hogan Knows Best, Hole in the Wall, Holly's World, Holmes on Homes, Homeland Security USA, Hooked Up, Hope for Your Home, Hopkins, Househusbands of Hollywood, House Rules, How to Look Good Naked, Howie Do It, Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling, I Can Make You Thin, I Get That A Lot, I Love Money, I Love New York, I Propose, I Survived a Japanese Game Show, I Wanna Be a Soap Star, I Want To Be A Hilton, I Want to Work for Diddy, I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, I'm From Rolling Stone, I've Got Nothing to Wear, Ice Road Truckers, The Imploders, In Harm's Way, In Search of the Partridge Family, Intervention, Into the Unknown with Josh Bernstein, Invasion Iowa, Iron Chef America, The It Factor, Jackass, The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, Jersey Shore, Jesse James Is A Dead Man, Jingles, Joe Millionaire, The Joe Schmo Show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kell on Earth, Kendra, Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design, Kid Nation, Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane, King of Cars, King of the Crown, Kirstie Alley's Big Life, Kitchen Nightmares, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, LA Ink, Lady or a Tramp, Laguna Beach, Last Comic Standing, Last One Standing, The Last Resort, Launch My Line, The Law Firm, Leave it to Lamas, Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods, Let's Dance, Life of Ryan, The Little Couple, Little Miss Perfect, Little People, Big World, The Littlest Groom, Live for the Moment, Living Lohan, Liza & David, The Locator, Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska, Losing It With Jillian, Love Cruise, Love Shack, Luke's Parental Advisory, Mad Mad House, Make Me a Supermodel, Making It Home: Greensburg, Making Menudo, Making News: Texas Style, Making The Band, Mall Cops: Mall of America, Man vs. Wild, Manhunt, Manhunters, Married By America, Master of Dance, Masterchef, Maui Fever, Meerkat Manor, Meet Mister Mom, Meet My Folks, Meet The Barkers, Megan Wants a Millionaire, Miami Social, The Michael Vick Project, Million Dollar Listing, The Millionaire Matchmaker, Minute to Win It, Miracle Workers, Miss America: Reality Check, Model Citizens, Models NYC, Models of the Runway, The Mole, The Moment of Truth, Momma's Boys, Monster Garage, More to Love, Moving Up, Mr. Personality, Mr. Romance, Murder, Murder in Small Town X, Must Love Kids, My Antonio, My Big Redneck Wedding, My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, My Super Sweet 16, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, My Fair Brady, My Life Is A Sitcom, Mythbusters, Nanny 911, NASCAR in Primetime , Nashville, Nashville Star, National Bingo Night, New York Goes to Hollywood, Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County, The Next Best Thing, The Next Food Network Star, The Next Great American Band, The Next Iron Chef, Next Action Star, The Next Great Champ, The Next Joe Millionaire, No Boundaries, No Opportunity Wasted, NYC Prep, Obsessed, Omarosa's Ultimate Merger, The One: Making a Music Star, One Big Happy Family, One Ocean View, The One Who Got Away, On The Lot, Oprah's Big Give, The Osbournes, Our Little Genius, Outback Jack, Outsider's Inn, P. Diddy's Starmaker, Pageant Place, Pam: Girl on the Loose, Pantry Raid, The Paper, Paradise Hotel, Paranormal Cops, Paranormal State, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, Parking Wars, The Partner, Party Monsters: Cabo, The People's Court, Pepsi Play for a Billion, Perfect Match: New York, Performing As..., Phenomenon, The Pick-Up Artist, Pimp My Ride, Pirate Master, Pitchmen, The Player, Playing It Straight, Police Women of Broward County, PoweR Girls, Prankville, The Price of Beauty, The Principal's Office, Private Chefs of Beverly Hills, Project Greenlight, Project Runway, Property Ladder, Punk'd, Push Nevada, Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll, Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, Queer Eye For The Straight Girl, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, R U The Girl With T-Boz & Chilli, Race To The Altar, The Rachel Zoe Project, Raw Nature, Real Chance of Love: Back in the Saddle, The Real Gilligan's Island, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Real Housewives of D.C., The Real Housewives of New Jersey, The Real Housewives of New York City, The Real Housewives of Orange County, The Real Roseanne Show, The Real Wedding Crashers, The Real World: Austin, The Real World: Back to New York, The Real World: Boston, The Real World: Brooklyn, The Real World: Chicago, The Real World: Hollywood, The Real World: Key West, The Real World: Las Vegas, The Real World: Los Angeles, The Real World: New Orleans, The Real World: New York, The Real World: Paris, The Real World: Philadelphia, The Real World: San Diego, The Real World: San Francisco, The Real World: Seattle, The Real World: Sydney, Reality Racing - The Rookie Challenge, The Rebel Billionaire, Recovery, Renovate My Family, The Restaurant, Rich Guy Poor Guy, Rich Girls, Road Rules, Road Rules: South Pacific, Road Rules: X-TREME, The Road To Stardom With Missy Elliott, Rob & Amber: Against the Odds, Rob and Big, Rob And Amber Get Married, Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels, Rock of Love Charm School with Sharon Osbourne, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, Rock the Cradle, Rock Star: INXS, Rock Star: Supernova, Rookies, Ruby, Run's House, Runaway Squad, Running in Heels, Say Yes to the Dress, Scare Tactics, The Scholar, Scott Baio is 45... And Single, Scream Queens, The Search for the Next Elvira, The Search For The Most Talented Kid In America, Second Chance: America's Most Talented Senior, The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom, Secret Millionaire, Secret Talents of the Stars, Secrets of Aspen, Seducing Cindy, Sell This House, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, Sex in the Itty Bitty City, Shaq Vs., Shaq's Big Challenge, Shark Tank, She's Got the Look, Shear Genius, Shipmates, Shooting Sizemore, The Simple Life, The Sing-Off, The Singing Bee, The Singing Office, Skating With Celebrities, Smash Lab, Snoop Dogg's Father Hood, So You Think You Can Dance, Solitary, Sorority Life, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search, The Springer Hustle, The Stagers, The Starlet, Star Search, Starting Over, Step It Up & Dance, Steven Seagal: Lawman, Storm Chasers, Street Customs, Style Her Famous, Stylista, Sunday Best, Sunset Tan, Super Millionaire, Supernanny, The Superstars, Superstars of Dance, Superstar USA, Surf Girls, The Surreal Life, The Surreal Life: Fame Games, Survivor: Borneo, Survivor: The Australian Outback, Survivor: Africa, Survivor: Marquesas, Survivor: Thailand, Survivor: The Amazon, Survivor: Pearl Islands, Survivor: All Stars, Survivor: Vanuatu, Survivor: Palau, Survivor: Guatemala, Survivor: Panama, Survivor: Cook Islands, Survivor: Fiji, Survivor: China, Survivor: Micronesia, Survivor: Gabon, Survivor: Tocantins, Survivor: Samoa, Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains, Survivorman, The Swan, Tabatha's Salon Takeover, Table For 12, Tacky House, Take Home Nanny, Taquita & Kaui, Taxicab Confessions, Teen Mom, Temptation Island, Thank God You're Here, That's Amore, There Goes the Neighborhood, There's Something About Miriam, Thintervention with Jackie Warner, 'Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave, Tim Gunn's Guide to Style, Toddlers and Tiaras, Todd TV, Tommy Lee Goes To College, Tontine, Tool Academy, Top Chef,Top Chef Miami, Top Chef Masters ,Top Chef: Just Desserts, Top Chef: Las Vegas, Top Chef: New York, Top Design, Top Gear, Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, Tori & Dean: Inn Love, Tough as Nails, Tough Love, Tough Enough, Toughest Race on Earth: Iditarod, Trading Spaces, Trading Spouses, Treasure Quest, Treasure Hunters, Trick It Out, Trick My Truck, Trick My Trucker, Trista & Ryan's Wedding, True Beauty, Tuesday Night Book Club, Twentyfourseven, The Two Coreys, Two-A-Days, Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge, UFO Hunters, Ultimate Cake Off, The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search, Ultimate Recipe Showdown, Unan1mous, Undercover Boss, Under One Roof, Varsity Inc., Victoria Beckham: Coming to America, The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, Viva La Bam, Walk the Lion, Wanna Bet, WCG Ultimate Gamer, The Weakest Link, Welcome to the Parker, Welcome To The Neighborhood, Whale Wars, What Not To Wear, When Women Rule the World, While You Were Out, Who Are You Wearing?, Who's Your Daddy?, Who Wants to be a Superhero?, Who Wants To Marry My Dad?, Wickedly Perfect, Wife Mom Bounty Hunter, Wife Swap, The Will, Will Work for Food, Wipeout, Work of Art: The Next Great Artist, Work Out, World Idol, Worst Case Scenario, Worst Cooks in America, Wreckreation Nation, The X Factor, Your Mama Don't Dance

...and I'm sorry if I missed a couple.

No doubt that the celebrities these shows center around are grateful for the exposure, but I sure ain't. Grateful, that is.

The Kardashians, The Osbournes, The Hogans, The Beckhams, The Jacksons, The Coreys, the meerkats...did we really need to find out every single tiny stupid detail of their shallow lives on a weekly basis?

Oh here, I'll answer that...NO.

It is not entertainment to see people (or celebrities, either/or) implode on television: what is the theory here, that watching individuals or entire family units with more dysfunctions than your own family is supposed to boost the viewer's self-esteem? If that were the case, then America would be the most well-adjusted country on Earth - and ironically we'd then have to look elsewhere as a country for our programming.

And since we all know damn well we're not a well-adjusted country, I don't think that scenario's ever going to pan out.

You want to see the best example of what I'm saying? Look at this:

The Marriage Ref.

Really? A show where couples with seriously debilitating problems in their marriage air their dirty laundry on national television in front of a live studio audience, and Jerry Seinfeld, and a bunch of his celebrity pals, all of whom guffaw, bray and crack wise at the expense of said couples and their respective predicaments?

I do believe I have found the reality TV equivalent of My Mother The Car.

This is the kind of show that makes me cringe: what, seriously, was NBC, Seinfeld (who produces this thing) and the programming geniuses behind this sure-to-be debacle thinking? That this was brilliant programming? It isn't. That they would seriously be helping people? They aren't. That they can make people laugh at the suffering of others more than they already do? Like humanity needs more incentive for that....

This was solely and arbitrarily made for a quick advertising buck and NBC hoping and praying that the classic Seinfeld show magic would strike again. Period.

You know what? The only two people who have a career after Seinfeld are Larry David (thanks to Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Julia Louis-Dreyfus (thanks to The New Adventures of Old Christine)...and they had to go to different networks for those careers! What does THAT tell ya??!

Ask yourself, though: do you really want to see a show where people have problems (no matter how silly they may seem) threatening their union and have to put up with this at the same time:

JERRY SEINFELD: So, I mean hey, these guys lasted this long while she flosses her teeth in bed? I mean hey, at least she doesn't use a Water Pic, am I right here?

(Kelly Ripa laughs uncontrollably)

(Alec Baldwin makes a goofy face)

JERRY SEINFELD: I mean, hey!

Spare me; if this lasts longer than a season I'll be very surprised. If it lasts till summer, I'll be even more surprised. And if it isn't replaced in a few months by reruns of ER, I'll be stunned.

This is just the tip of the iceberg here, folks; television needs to have more going for it than what we have. Time was when the introduction of J. Fred Muggs on The Today Show was a cute little gimmick. Nowadays, J. Fred Muggs is a programming demographic.

There'll be more observations on this in the future. For now, let's just hope that Michael Richards doesn't head up a show called The Race Relations Expert.

Dope out.

- TGWD