When Good Actors Shill For Bad Movies

We've seen it before: we'll be watching our favorite talk show, ready for some inane prattle/drivel/nonsense/product placement when their guest comes on - an actor of some stature, usually - and there they are, pushing for their latest movie.

This is, of course, a common practice in Hollywood and usually part of "The Deal" - you star in a big-budget movie (or medium or small, whatever...), you go everywhere the producers tell you to in order to promote your (and their) product. It's called "Getting The Movie Out There To The Masses". For, you see, sometimes that hefty advertising budget isn't enough for Joe and Chloe Blow from Kokomo; they need word from the actor or actress in the thing to tell them that this flick is worth their hard-earned dough to see. Hence, the promotional tour.

All well and good, as long as it's a movie that is, after all, worth seeing and could conceivably stand on its own without the glowing endorsement of a widely-photographed and well-tanned face. But, what about the other end of the spectrum? How often have we been suckered into seeing a movie that is touted by its star as "The Best Movie Ever" or some such, only to find it sucks harder than a Hoover floor model?

Pretty often, I'll wager.

As you may have already guessed by this point in the program, I have an example or two to prove my point.

(1) Bill Cosby (shilling for Leonard: Part 6 -1987)

1987 gave us a glut of movies, more bad than good, and ample opportunities to stay at home, lounge in our pastels and watch the 997 channels afforded to us by our silo roof-sized satellite dish TVs for the latest episode of "Sabado Gigante" ...okay, maybe that's a generalization. Regardless, "The Cosby Show" was riding high on NBC at the time and no one was more powerful for it or richer than Bill Cosby. Why not get him a movie deal? After all, he was great in movies like A Piece of the Action, Mother Juggs and Speed and Let's Do It Again. But Leonard: Part 6 was an odd duck - a ballet-dancing retired super spy (Cosby) who fought a villainess that planned on ruling the world with hypnotized animals? Even Cosby's mugging is left wanting, and the humor is more odd and bland than hilarious. And the product placement? This may be a good example to use for Coca-Cola to NOT be featured in a movie.

So the producers, having contracted Bill to do so, shove him out into the gladiator pit, pudding pop in hand, to convince a skeptical public that Leonard: Part 6 is the filmic second coming.

Did he?

No: instead, the Cos went on every talk show in the nation to warn people away from this movie. "Stay away," he said. "It's bad," he said. "Watch TV instead," he said. And since he was such a convincing spokesman, 95% of the world did just that. The other 5%? Well, they were warned.

(SIDE NOTE: And when Leonard: Part 6 was nominated for 5 and won 3 Razzie Awards for Worst Actor, Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay, Cos insisted the Razzie people construct the three Razzies he earned out of 24 carat gold and Italian marble for him to pick up. The Razzie people consented, made them as instructed and he went on to pick up his awards on the Fox Channel's "The Late Show": by now they are probably collecting dust on Cos' mantle with his Emmys and Grammys and other awards he worked so hard for. Wotta guy.)

(2) Peter Weller (shilling for RoboCop 2 - 1990)

The first RoboCop (1987 - okay...one good movie) was a tour-de-force for Peter Weller as a robotic police officer in a Detroit of the future where crime is rampant and violence is supreme. And for director Paul Verhoeven, it was a perfect calling card for a career filled with over-the-top movies (Basic Instinct, Starship Troopers, Total Recall). It made big bucks and put Weller's foot in the door as a solid b-movie leading man.

So the inevitable sequel came out three years later. More violence, less irony, unfunny black humor and...less RoboCop! Seems Weller was less enchanted with the idea of emoting through all the Robo-prosthetics this time around. But the surrounding cast and plot lines all feel like afterthoughts, incomplete ideas, bad vibes all around.

Now I remember this one because I saw it happen: it was on "The Tonight Show" in the good old days (i.e.: when Johnny Carson was still hosting). On came Peter Weller, and the subject turned to the soon-to-be-released sequel. But Weller seemed...I don't know...hesitant to talk it up. Like he was embarrassed to mention his involvement (a bad thing for the star of your movie to do). they show a clip from the flick, the audience applauds and, instead of talking about it more later, what does Weller do?

Guess.

...

Come on, guess.

...

You'll never guess.

...

Okay; instead of talking about RoboCop 2, Weller produces a trumpet and proceeds to jam with Doc Severinsen and the NBC Orchestra.

I told you you'd never guess.

Anyway, box office for RC2 was hit hard (in a bad way), Weller's career took a nosedive and 1994's Robocop 3 not only had a different lead actor, but an even worse fate: instead of being a sleeper hit like RoboCop, it was a snooze.

Just goes to prove, a bad film will still be a bad film no matter how much you blow you own horn (sorry, Peter).

(3) Howie Mandel (shilling for A Fine Mess - 1986)

Right now I can see your eyes bulging and veins popping out in your neck as you clean off the spit-out beverage from your monitor.

Howie (EXPLETIVE) Mandel????

"But Dope, you said these were GOOD actors!"

Just follow me on this.

Howie, while a jovial presence and amusing comic, kids' show creator ("Bobby's World") and game show host ("Deal or no Deal"), never set the world on fire with his movies.

Either one of them.

You see, two movies are all I can remember Howie ever being in: one of them (Walk Like A Man) featured him as a man who thought he was a dog or something like that, and the other was this.

"But why mention A Fine Mess", you ask? Well, for one thing, it was directed by Blake Edwards.

Blake Edwards.

The Pink Panther. Breakfast at Tiffany's. Operation Petticoat. 10. Victor/Victoria. That guy.

He directed a Howie Mandel vehicle about horse races and the Mafia which, in turn, was partially based on a Laurel and Hardy short about delivering a piano.

And it also featured such latter-day Edwards stand-bys as Richard Mulligan, Larry Storch, Stuart Margolin and Jennifer Edwards (Blake's own daughter).

So why have you never heard of it?

Because it stunk like a dead goat in the summer, that's why.

I don't know if this ever occurred to Mandel, whose stand-up routine in the early days dealt with funny voices, scatology (go look it up) and the old "rubber-glove-over-the-head" gag, but the fact was that he was in one of the far-lesser efforts of a once-great comedy director on the wane. But what did he care: he was in a Blake Edwards movie!

However, it was one appearance that clinched the deal. Howie made an obligatory drop-in on "The Tonight Show" (again with Johnny Carson) and, when the topic of A Fine Mess came up, Howie insisted in his patented (at least at that time) spastic way on acting out a portion of the movie where his co-star has to leave on some errand or other*. Howie then calls out for his helper...

...and out from behind the curtain steps Ted Danson!

Yep, Ted was Howie co-star in this flick, and a fellow NBC mega-star (Howie had "St. Elsewhere", Ted had "Cheers"), so maybe it was a case of brotherhood that necessitated this pairing? Oh well....

Anyway; the act they performed went like this:

HOWIE - Good-bye.

TED - Good-bye.

...and then Ted walks off-stage.

Poof. That's it. That was the big scene.

Tumultuous applause and laughter.

And there's poor Johnny, looking lost and confused as to what just happened: did Ted Danson just do a fly-by on my show???

More, importantly, it killed time and nothing more was mentioned about A Fine Mess that night.

Not that it mattered - A Fine Mess never made back its budget.

It did kill time, though.

Just like Howie Mandel did that night.

So there you have three of the best examples I have of actors shilling badly. I know there's more examples to be had and maybe I'll remember them and post about them another time. But for now let's just content ourselves with the fact that Johnny Carson doesn't have to put up with this nonsense anymore.

Dope out.

- TGWD

* = And they never did have that scene in A Fine Mess, either. Not that it makes a difference but that's false advertising for you. Boy, what's the world coming to if you can't even trust Howie Mandel...?