Watchmen (2009)

I'll let all of you in on a little secret: I was fully prepared to simply watch this one and not write a review about it.

Why? Because out of curiosity, I read Alan Moore's graphic novel (yes, I know it's no longer "comic book" and I'm familiar with the differences, thank you very much...) and found that it was not exactly something I found screaming out to be made into a movie. In fact, Zack Snyder's Watchmen isn't a movie about heroes as much as it is about anti-heroes.

There are things to admire about this movie and I'll get to those things in a moment, but let me get to the salad before digging onto the main course.

The plot to Watchmen details the rise of a group of heroic defenders in an alternate universe 1940s and how they helped defend, shape and define humanity as we know it. We see how many of their early members were either murdered, committed suicide or just plain committed as the years progressed and the world, in one form or another, took their valiant defenders for granted. There were more pressing matters at hand: the Cold War, for instance.

Then the modern-day story (or at least alternate timeline 1985 story) turns to the murder of retired superhero The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and the investigation of his death by his comrades in cowls; some retired, some not. All of it ties into a sinister plot that involves the death of millions, the exploitation of human nature and a very badly timed trip to earth from Mars.

Everything unfolds like a typical crime noir, headed by Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley), a man who wears a mask with moving ink blots and possesses a raging power that explodes in violence more often than not. He uncovers a plot that reveals The Comedian's murder may have been a cover-up for something else. So as he digs down into the dirty, seething gut of New York City, other avenues are examined by crimefighters Nite Owl II (Patrick Wilson), Silk Spectre II (Malin Akerman) and the other-worldly Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup): a translucent blue man who possesses unimaginable powers, can bend time and space and unravel all the mysteries of the universe, but still has a weak spot for a woman's tears.

One other semi-hero, Adrian Veidt (Matthew Goode), cannot be bothered, however; as the smartest man in the world, he has a multi-million dollar empire to look over and other fish to fry. Or does he?

As I said, this unfolds more like a whodunit more than a superhero story...but "Watchmen", the graphic novel, is not a superhero story. It is a character study about people who just happen to possess superhuman powers along with more faults, emotional handicaps and Freudian hangups than any full season of "Dr. Phil". They are constantly at odds with protecting a race which is constantly in upheaval and resents such interference. Who wouldn't resent being treated like that?

Another interesting thing happens as the movie goes on: we find that The Comedian was probably about the lousiest jerk ever to soil the face of the Earth. He beat women. he killed innocent people. He murdered the Vietnamese woman carrying his child. He jeered and cajoled his fellow crimefighters about how humanity was no longer worth saving. Although what he said was oft times the (cynical) truth, The Comedian was the embodiment of every vice that the Watchmen set out to protect humanity against. It was understandable why anyone would want to kill him: he was literally asking for it.

But even after the big twist comes and we find out what has happened and why, does it really matter? After over 2 1/2 hours of stylized pretension, state of the art effects and shockingly bloody violence, are we any closer to understanding what director Snyder has to say about man and/or superman? Not really. Every hero in this movie is a basket case because of how the world treats them and then they, in turn must save the very people that revile them not because they care about them, but because it's their job. So what, then; the world is a vile, nasty place and humanity is the cause of its worst ills? That isn't news, but it's treated like mind-blowing profundity here.

Every actor gives it their all and none can be faulted with failing to work with what they have. Goode is cold and aloof as Veidt, as he should be. Wilson does the morally conflicted Nite Owl II quite well. Akerman is alluring and dangerous as Silk Spectre II. Crudup, in his human form, does a good enough job, even though he is greatly overpowered as a CGI Dr. Mahnattan, with electrical impulses coursing through his transparent yet anatomically correct body. And yes, I mean fully anatomically correct body.

The biggest revelation in this entire movie, in my opinion, is the work of Haley as Rorschach. Many actors battled for this part and famous names aplenty were bandied about. But Haley, once best known as Kelly Leak from the Bad News Bears movies, makes the part his own; growling out every line, coming off as a far-more-sinister version of The Shadow cross-bred with Mike Hammer. His was the part I remember most - in spite of translucent blue body parts floating into view every so often.

But something curious happened: in spite of a buildup not seen before Samuel L. Jackson started screaming about all those snakes on that plane and positive word of mouth from all over, it has not, as of this date, made back its $130 million budget. It may yet, and probably has made it up overseas, but as concerns domestic tallies, Watchmen fell far short of studio (and many graphic novel fan) expectations.

So in the end, what did I feel about Watchmen?

Disinterest.

That may be a harsh word for something that cost so much time and effort to make, not to mention money, and has legions of fans otherwise, but for all the blood and thunder, Watchmen fails to engage me in the same way 1978's Superman did, or even Sam Raimi's Spider-Man films. Even Tim Burton's Batman introduced a troubled, alienated character who fought an eternal battle with himself about what he had to do as compared as to what he felt he should do. All these movies, however, are light years separated from Watchmen - if only for the sole fact that the heroes of the past were heroes because they felt they owed it to humanity.

In Watchmen, they are heroes because they feel humanity owes them.

That is not heroism. That is plain old human nature.

And there's nothing heroic about that.