Something to Make You Laugh: MADtv's Vancome Lady

Miley Cyrus? A Homewrecker?! NO! (-_-)

Aussie actor Liam Hemsworth's love affair with Miley Cyrus has left his girlfriend at home heartbroken, writes Jonica Bray. When Victorian teenager Laura Griffin saw her actor boyfriend of five years Liam Hemsworth passionately kissing the world's most famous teenager, Miley Cyrus, on the set of "The Last Song," she believed he was only doing his job. But as the 19-year-old student would soon discover, the love of her life was not acting at all — he had fallen head over heels for the Hannah Montana star. Even worse, Laura had to learn from friends that 19-year-old Liam was dating the teen star. "He was my boyfriend and my best friend," Laura tells Woman's Day in an exclusive interview. "There is no other reason why we would have broken up." In the days since she found out her boyfriend had dumped her for Miley, 16, Laura has confessed on her Facebook site her "total utter regret", that she's suffering "depression of some sort", and that she has "tears streaming". Meanwhile, the millionaire US actress is using Twitter to bask in the joy of her romance with former Neighbours star Liam. "Against all odds I fell in love," she wrote recently. "I think I'll just sit around and eat sushi and watch Liar Liar with Liam." Liam and Laura's paths first crossed in Year Eight at school on Phillip Island. Liam's parents had relocated their three boys, Luke, Chris and Liam, from Melbourne. "He was the new boy at school and all the girls liked him," smiles Laura. "He was popular, a bit of a joker and made me laugh." Just a year later, their friendship blossomed into real love. "We became inseparable. He tried to teach me to surf, we watched movies, and went shopping. Liam became more than a boyfriend, he was my best friend."

Gee whiz. I can't really say anything to this, but I can't even fathom Laura must feel. I wonder, did he even bother to contact her or anything after all of this . . . well . . . hoopla? Oh, Miley . . .

News via: Woman's Day

The SEPTEMBER'09 soundtrack!

Επιτέλους φθινόπωρο, ή αλλιώς η αγαπημένη μου εποχή, έτσι απλά:) Είχα ένα περίεργο έως ξενέρωτο καλοκαίρι οπότε χαίρομαι διπλά! Απόλαυσα τον Αύγουστο στην Αθήνα, έπαιξα κουτσό στη μέση του δρόμου, έτρεχα με δάδα βραδιάτικα στην Κηφισίας κάνοντας τον Ολυμπιονίκη, έδωσα την πρώτη μου συναυλία στη γειτονιά και είχαν μαζευτεί όλα τα αδέσποτα, καθώς και τα σκυλιά που παράτησαν κάποιοι πριν φύγουν διακοπές (μα πώς έχουν την καρδιά να το κάνουν?). Σηκώνω λοιπόν ψηλά το ποτήρι με την μπύρα (αλά "We are the champions" φάση) και πίνω στις νέες όμορφες αφίξεις στη ζωή μας, στα νέα ξεκινήματα, στο πρώτο κιτρίνισμα των φύλλων και στην καλή δύναμη σε κάποιους που το χρειάζονται αυτή την εποχή! Καλό μας μήνα, καλό μας φθινόπωρο!

SONGS OF THE MONTH

@ AGNES Release me (Cahill Club Edit)

@ BACKSTREET BOYS Straight through my heart (δείτε την επιστροφή τους εδώ)

@ BRITNEY SPEARS Radar (Manhattan Clique UHF Radio Mix) *

@ CASCADA Why you had to leave

@ CELINE DION I'm alive (Laurent Wolf remix)

@ DAUGHTRY Supernatural

@ DAVID GUETTA feat. WILL.I.AM & APL.DE.AP On the dancefloor

@ DAVID RUSH feat. LMFAO, PITBULL and KEVIN RUDOLF Shooting star (party rock mix) *

@ DEMI LOVATO Every time you lie

@ DOLORES O’RIORDAN Be careful

@ FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE Drumming song (δείτε το video με την Florence να δίνει ρέστα εδώ!)

@ GOSSIP Love long distance

@ IMOGEN HEAP First train home

@ JEANETTE I feel love

@ JET Black hearts (on fire)

@ JORDIN SPARKS Let it rain

@ KRISTINIA DEBARGE Speak up

@ KYLIE AULDIST In a week, in a day

@ LACUNA COIL Not enough

@ LADY GAGA Paparazzi (Live Acoustic) (το video για το "Paparazzi" παίζει να'ναι και το καλύτερο της χρονιάς! Δείτε το εδώ)

@ LONER Show a little love

@ MALENA ERNMAN Breathless days

@ MELANIE FIONA Johnny

@ MIRWAIS Get it right * (ιδιαίτερο τραγούδι, ιδιαίτερο video)

@ MUSE Uprising *

@ NELLY FURTADO Manos al aire (Nelly is back! Αυτό είναι το video)

@ NEXX Synchronize lips (thanx neverlandean)

@ NOISETTES Never forget you

@ OI VA VOI S’brent

@ PAOLO NUTINI Candy

@ PIXIE LOTT Boys and girls (κουκλάρα η Pixie, δείτε τη στο video clip εδώ)

@ RHYTHMS DEL MUNDO feat. KT TUNSTALL Because the night

@ RICHARD DURAND Always the sun *

@ SIMIAN MOBILE DISCO feat. BETH DITTO Cruel intentions

@ SUGABABES Get sexy

@ TAIO CRUZ Everybody’s changing *

@ WHITNEY HOUSTON I got you

@ ΓΙΩΡΓΟΣ ΣΑΜΠΑΝΗΣ Σαν τρελός ρυθμός

@ ΔΗΜΗΤΡΑ ΓΑΛΑΝΗ Μην πάμε απόψε πουθενά

@ ΘΕΟΔΟΣΙΑ ΤΣΑΤΣΟΥ Είμαστε στο “peak”

@ ΚΩΝΣΤΑΝΤΙΝΟΣ ΧΡΙΣΤΟΦΟΡΟΥ Αντίστροφα

@ ΛΟΥΚΑΣ Σε θέλω πίσω

@ ΡΑΛΛΙΑ ΧΡΗΣΤΙΔΟΥ Μια ζωή

* thanx Δημήτρη ;-)

ALBUMS

@ Dolores O’Riordan NO BAGGAGE (rock) (8)

@ Jordin Sparks BATTLEFIELD (pop/r’n’b) (8)

@ Rhythms del Mundo CLASSICS (Cuban/latin) (8)

@ Kylie Auldist MADE OF STONE (jazz/funk) (8)

@ Bent BEST OF (electronica/ambient) (8)

@ Jet SHAKA ROCK (rock) (7.5)

@ Lacuna Coil SHALLOW LIFE (rock) (7)

@ Nexx SYNCHRONIZE LIPS (pop) (7)

@ Parov Stelar THAT SWING: BEST OF (electronica/swing) (7)

@ Whitney Houston I LOOK TO YOU (pop/r’n’b) (6.5)

@ Cascada EVACUATE THE DANCEFLOOR (europop) (6.5)

@ Daughtry LEAVE THIS TOWN (rock) (6)

@ Imogen Heap ELLIPSE (alternative pop/rock) (6)

@ David Guetta ONE LOVE (club/dance) (6)

@ Regina Spektor FAR (anti-folk/alternative) (6)

@ Calvin Harris READY FOR THE WEEKEND (club/dance) (5.5)

@ Arctic Monkeys HUMBUG (rock) (5.5)

@ Demi Lovato HERE WE GO AGAIN (pop/rock) (5)

@ Afterlife ELECTROSENSITIVE (electronica) (5)

@ Kristinia DeBarge EXPOSED (pop/r’n’b) (4)

ΓΟΥΣΤΑΡΩ ΠΟΥ...

@ το πιο αγαπημένο μου group ever, οι CRANBERRIES, έκαναν reunion για την περιοδεία που ξεκινάει η DOLORES O’RIORDAN στην Ευρώπη! Χοροπηδάω στο κρεβάτι από την χαρά μου!!!

@ η LADY GAGA (παρ’όλο που μου είναι αντιπαθής) παραδέχτηκε δημοσίως και χωρίς κανένα κόμπλεξ ότι είναι ερμαφρόδιτη. Πραγματικά της βγάζω το καπέλο (που σίγουρα θα είναι πολύ ταπεινό μπροστά σε αυτές τις υπερπαραγωγές που φοράει στο κεφάλι της) γιατί σίγουρα μετά από αυτό θα πήραν δύναμη πολλοί που βρίσκονται στην ίδια κατασταση.

@ θα δω την πολυαγαπημένη μου ΧΑΡΟΥΛΑ ΑΛΕΞΙΟΥ στις 3/9 στο Ηρώδειο μαζί με την πολυαγαπημένη μου μαμά :-)

@ η ΑΝΝΑ ΒΙΣΣΗ κάνει video clip το πιο αγαπημένο μου τραγούδι από το «Απαγορευμένο», το «Από μακριά κι αγαπημένοι», με στιγμιότυπα από το Summer Tour το οποίο έσκισε!

@ οι GOSSIP επιτέλους έχουν την επιτυχία που τους αξίζει, με το “Heavy cross” να ακούγεται παντού! Αν κάνουν και το “Pop goes the world” single ποιός τους πιάνει μετά! Μακάρι να ξανάρθουν Ελλάδα!

ΣΤΗΝ ΠΥΡΑ (είναι και επίκαιρο)

@ BRITNEY SPEARS: Είναι δυνατόν ένα τόσο super κομμάτι όπως το “Radar” να έχει τόσο χάλια και άκυρο με το τραγούδι video?

@ DE NIRO: Δεν μας έφταναν οι Onirama και μετά τα Κόκκινα Χαλιά, τώρα ξεφύτρωσαν και οι De Niro, σίγουρα έχουν κάποιο γνωστό στο MAD και τους προωθούν έτσι! Δεν εξηγείται αλλιώς!

@ WHITNEY HOUSTON: Τόσα χρόνια δηλαδή περιμέναμε γι’αυτό το album (“I Look to You”)? Μπορεί να μην είναι κακό και να είναι αξιοπρεπές, αλλά σίγουρα δεν είναι comeback album, και κυρίως δεν ξέρω αν live θα μπορεί να το υποστηρίξει, μιας και η φωνή της έχει καταστραφεί από τα drugs.

@ LA ROUX: Αδιάφορη φωνή και τραγούδια, δήθεν στυλάκι, αντιπαθητική φάτσα μέχρι αηδίας, απορώ πραγματικά πως έχει τόση επιτυχία! Μάλλον μας λείπει πολύ η Roisin Murphy!

@ MASH UPS: Τι μανία είναι αυτή που τους έχει πιάσει όλους με τα mash-up songs (ή αλλιώς τραγουδοπαρτούζες όπως τα λέω)? Ακούς 2 έως 6-7 τραγούδια μαζί σε 1, αλλά ελάχιστα είναι πετυχημένα. Όργιο σας λέω :-)

Drake & Trey Songz's "Successful," Video. HUH?!

I'm cheating on Andy Samberg with Drake. Shouldn't have posted that, but, whatevs. Trey Songz and I have phone sex from time to time (you've heard that voice. Ugh . . .) and I do like this song. But there are two things that are confusing me right now.

1) Wasn't "Successful" Drake's song, and it was Trey that was featured?! Just putting that out there. Correct me if I'm wrong, Hooplabers!

2) I hate when people seriously feen for a video, you know, pump it up; get it hype, and then the video comes up CRAAAAAZY short. Was this video really worth four minutes of my life that I will never get back? Its literally four minutes of them chillaxing on a roof and driving a car. Ooooh. Call the Sheriff. Alert the fire marshall.

That is all.

TIDBIT: Drizzy, baby. Video Fail Numero Dos. :-/

Is It Too Much To Ask...? (Jerry Lewis Edition)

What's this? More than one posting in a month's time? Sumpthin's wrong....

Actually, I had this topic gnawing at my brain and thought it best to go ahead and give it voice (or text) so that I could at least get it out there to be perused by you, my faithful 12 readers.

What it is, is this: love him or hate him, Jerry Lewis is an important comic force in modern-day comedy and has done some important things.

As well as some downright stupid things.

And even a few relatively unknown things.

And then again he has also done some notorious things.

But what I am going to talk about is one of Jerry Lewis' unseen things.

You see, back in the early '70s, Jerry met with a movie producer named Nathan Wachsberger, the topic of their discussion being whether or not ol' Jer' would agree to star in a new film that would feature him in the starring role of a world-famous clown...

...wait for it...

...in World War II-era Germany, where he is arrested and placed in a concentration camp and, in a series of outlandish events, agrees to lead Jewish children to the gas chambers of Auschwitz.

Yes, I'm talking about The Day The Clown Cried (1972).

And the fact of the matter is that the film does exist.

Just ask Subterranean Cinema.

Or Film Buff Online.

Or Shock Cinema Magazine.

The topper was that Jerry was not only going to star in this "legendary" film, but also direct and co-write the story as well (based as it was on a story by Joan O'Brien). A dream come true, right?

It would have been, if only Wachsberger had paid O'Brien fully for the use of her story. As it is, due to this, various lawsuits and unkept promises that resulted in litigation that to this day goes on, this is one of Jerry's movies that will never, EVER be seen by Mr. And Mrs. John Q. Public in this or any lifetime.

So, referring back to the title of my posting:

Is it too much to ask, Mr. Lewis, that perhaps your (only existing) copy of this film (which is in VHS format from what I understand) could be transferred from VHS to a nice, sharp DVD copy? Just to, you know, keep a pristine copy of your work for posterity - after all, you can never have too many copies of your original, just in case something happens to one.

If you feel this is a good idea, Mr. Lewis, may I offer my services; I happen to have a very nice VHS-to-DVD system in my home and would be more than happy to do this for you - and at no cost, of course. After all, it would be a pleasure to do something like this out of pure human kindness.

And what is there keeping me from copying a version of The Day The Clown Cried for my own use? Perish the thought; I would never think of capitalizing on someone else's hard work for personal gain. Put the thought clear out of your mind, sir - it is the furthest thing from my true intentions: to help preserve your good works.

So with this proposal in mind, Mr. Lewis, just PM me at this blog and I will contact you with my mailing address and, if so inclined, will even pay for postage to and from your mailing address. I promise a fast turn-around and a sharp copy for your own records and not to worry: I will use my own DVD stock for you to have as your own - so no money on your part at all!

I await your response eagerly.

And off the record, I thought your Nutty Professor was far better than Eddie Murphy's.

There. My first selfless act of 2009. And it's only August. If this works out I'll offer to watch the Crown Jewels and give those London BeefEaters a rest. Poor guys.

Dope out.

- TGWD

The Treat Her Like A Prostitute conundrum

Slick Rick - Treat Her Like A Prostitute (Movie Version)





Slick Rick is the Orson Welles of rap : an alltime great whose reputation rests on his early work (the War Of The Worlds prank and Citizen Kane; The Show/La Di Da Di 12" and The Great Adventures Of.. LP) despite the fact that, while he never quite topped those early achievements, he went on to to have a respectable career (The Magnificent Ambersons, The Third Man, A Touch Of Evil and The Trial; Rick's 3 90s albums, enviable catalogue of unreleased tunes and various song stealing cameo spots). Rick even had his own personal Xanadus in Rikers Island and the Florida deportation centre he was detained in.



Contrived celluloid/rap analogies aside, it's always puzzled me as to why the studio beatbox version of Treat Her Like A Prostitute with Doug E. Fresh from Tougher Than Leather didn't make The Great Adventures.. instead of the inferior Bomb Squad version which opens Rick's debut LP. Not only is it the definitive version of the song but it also feels more comfortable amongst the likes of The Ruler's Back, Children's Story and Mona Lisa than the harsh, almost Mantronix-ish LP version and it's suprising it doesn't get more praise given that The Show and La Di Da Di are two of the most beloved tracks of the 80s.



Of course it doesn't get the love afforded to the previous 2 Rick & Doug collaborations because the only place you can find it is tucked away as the last track on the B. side of the Teenage Love 12" and the reason it didn't appear on The Great Adventures.. was down to label politics and the rumor that Russell Simmons didn't want Doug to steal his star's thunder, especially after he'd gone to the considerable trouble of splitting them up in the first place.



But this post was written to bemoan the situation, damnit, and not actually answer the questions posed with record-nerd trivia and idle gossip relating to Russell's shiestiness.

Bonus beats :

The Beastie Boys doing Desperado, an unreleased track recorded some time in 1987, on stage in the Tougher Than Leather movie :



The Earth is a stultified, barren wasteland with an aching void at its core until a CDQ version of this song appears, preferably on a 12" with Scenario on the flip. Sort it out, someone.

Reasons why I love Youtube part 4

Because you can find rare videos for hitherto unreleased 2006 Young Bleed songs and Big Mike & 6'2 songs featuring Young Bleed on there which don't exist in any other format.

Young Bleed - Put Your Stamp On It



Big Mike & 6'2 ft. Young Bleed - Down Home



Only problem is both are iffy sound-wise so even if you rip the audio (tip of the hat to Sha Deezy for the YoutubetoMp3 audio program which has seen everything from Dead Mike doing I'm Black, Y'All in CB4 to the Mastermind theme to Lox freestyles to the n.W.o entrance music being ripped 1*) they sound as though they were recorded in a kettle somewhere in Llandudno.

The Big Mike & 6'2 song can be excused for the dodgy quality as it was intended for a collaboration album between the two rappers which has been shelved due to Mike and 6'2 falling out with label who planned to release it (*2) but Young Bleed has released numerous albums since then and Put Your Stamp On It hasn't appeared on any of 'em. What an awkward bastard, eh?

*1 Don't you just hate when people upload movie scenes onto Youtube and then replace the music contained within the scene with their own cackhanded compositions? Case in point, i can't find the soundtrack to the 1986 Antipodean sci-fi flick The Quiet Earth anywhere and wanted to rip the main score used in the opening scene where the sun rises above the ocean but the selfish buffoon who uploaded it has seen fit to the edit out the building grace of New Zealand Philharmonic Orchestra's symphony and insert his own lumpen arrangement in its place. Setting angry wasps on this oaf would be too kind a punishment.

*2 Since we're talkin' about Big Mike falling out with labels it seems the perfect oppurtnity to pose this question : Is Big Mike the most couragious rapper in the game? What other rapper out there has the cojones to not only beef with J. Prince, a man with a reputation so fearsome that Suge is Peanut Butter Wolf in comparison, but to actually firebomb the Rap-A-Lot offices? Okay, he was shermed up at the time, but what other rapper would still be walking without a stick? Mike, we salute your intestinal fortitude.

New VMA Promo . . . Ugh (Insert Sighs Here)

I really hate these VMA Promos. They are so lame. I can't take it. My stoms starts churning . . . why are they all so off key?!

Let's Talk About: . . . Porn

The first time I watched porn, I was about thirteen? I was never really uncomfortable with looking at a female/males body. Yeah, it never irked me, you know? But engaging in sexual activity had me perplexed. My cousin, who was fifteen at the time was visiting from Maryland. He was staying for a good two weeks and we had so much fun. Then one night while everyone else was sleeping, because I am a late night person and so was he, we were watching TV, flipping through channels and nothing was giving us anything! So, he took the remote from me and switched it Cinemax. (-_-) If you know Cinemax, you know better than to watch at night. Around 10. Because that's when the freaks come out. At first I was all, "Ricky! Change the channel!" And I was mortified. The blonde chick was riding the guy mega hard! I was dumbstruck! But Ricky wasn't having it. "This is the good shit! Just watch. It's not a big deal!" I was type embarrassed. If I was a shade lighter than my hot chocolate complexion, I would have been as red as a tomato. So we're lying on the pillows we have stacked on my floor and we are just watching. Ricky is all, "Damn, she's a good one." And he's enjoying it. I'm clenching the pillow and just watching. And at first it was really freaking me out. The moaning and the rough tap action that was engaging in front of my very innocent eyes! But an hour in, I was intrigued. So this was sex!


Two nights later, when Ricky, his fam and me and my fam were eating dinner around the table, I whispered, "Are they gonna show that sex stuff again tonight?" Ricky tried not to laugh and whispered, "Yeah, cuz. SMH Look at you! All curious and stuff." There goes the blush again. I was curious. So after that, we started watching porn on a regular. And through the years, I have seen my fair share of porn. I've seen many categories. Some grossed me out, some kept me watching, some made me question myself (HAHAAA!) but I've seen it.


See, I don't hate porn. I fell off the truck a long time ago. I do not watch it on a regular, and if it pops up on TV, you won't catch me watching it. Why? Because most people watch porn because a) they need to know what to do in the bedroom, the pool, the kitchen counter . . . you catch my drift. They want to know how to (excuse my french) suck a dick, eat a pussy, ride a dick, hit it from the back, do the cowgirl, flip her around, use a dildo, bump cooches . . . they wanna know so that when they DO engage in such activity, they don't look stupid and unexperienced! b) They aren't getting action for themselves and they need something to turn them on. Get them heated so they can play with themselves. Yes. Masturbation. c) Men watch porn because they love women and they love seeing and hearing the pleasure women receive. Absolutely understandable!


So, with that being said, a) I won't need any tips as of right now. I pretty much have asked (Because I'm not afraid to) and I've seen enough and have heard what a guy wants to get off. b) Porn doesn't turn me on. Too fake. What DOES turn me on is love scenes in movies. Because, its like, the characters have gone through a lot just to get to that lovely scene. To be together, to make that love. That is sexy and lovely all together! That turns me on and thinking of someone that has done great things to get ME off. So porn, you don't do it. c) Once again, UNDERSTANDABLE!


Sometimes porn is necessary. Who wants to be lame about it? Its not disgusting. If the situation calls for it, I'll pop a porno in. No prob. If I'm with my guy and we watch a porno, God help me. I'm getting molested that night. I guarantee. It gives you an urge. If, let's say, I werent' a virgin and I wanted to ride my man for the first time, I would pop a porno in, she how she does it. Shit, he would love that! If you resent porn because you think it demeans females . . . seriously? Wake up. Pop one in. If you're not the type that masturbates (Its good for a girl to masturbate. You need to know you hoohaa!), wtf. Pop a porno in. There are many masturbating pornos out there.


If you can read a Zane book with no problem, then you can watch a porn. They have storylines too! Most of them weak and unrealistic, kinda like Zane's books (no offense but sometimes I can't read some stories she writes. These women are so . . . lame! And the men are so . . . cliche!) but it can help you get offfff. Promise.

Greatest movie scenes ever part 14

Here at The Martorialist we're not overly fond of the Po-po. Granted, this is because we're empty vessels who had our codes of morality shaped by NWA and Black Flag songs, but we do have legitimate reasons to hate the ol' bill, stemming from the times we were arrested for drawing obscene graffiti on the Mormon church as kids and for a drunken taxi-rank incident when we were early 20-somethings which involved a cracked window pane, the bumrushing of an empty taxi-cab and a police officer who looked exactly like P.C George Garfield. Swear down.

These days, however, we're more refined and enjoy nothing more than seeing meth abusing white trash being tasered and then having alsations set on them by Cops on tv and laughing as trustfundafarian protestors get tear-gassed in real life but, don't get it twisted, we still got no love for Five-O, yo, as we'll always call a copper a fucking pig..when their back is turned and they're out of earshot, obviously.

And when we can't do that, we just get our jollies from watching the police station massacre scenes from both The Terminator and Maniac Cop 2 (tagline : You have the right to remain silent...forever!), whooping with delight as our hefty, inhuman antiheroes get their 187 on a motherfuckin' cop on. Reeeeeeeeeewind :





Apparently there's going to be a Maniac Cop 4. As the only people on this spinning molten sphere who genuinely enjoyed The Lost Boys 2 : The Tribe, we're casually anticipating it.

I bet that makes u real mad, don't it?

AKA why The Furious Five really were furious.



The old-school vs. mid-school beef between the Bronx/Harlem and Queens finally reached boiling point in the late 80s during a tumultuous few years which saw BDP's tete-et-tete with the Juice Crew snowball into a full scale war on wax between the two boroughs (with occasional interuptions from Brooklyn and Philly), the slew of dis records Kool Moe Dee and LL traded, and Melle Mel throwing the rattle out of the pram by refusing to give up his freestyle championship belt to Mikey D at the New Music Seminar, but tensions had been bubbling ever since Run Dmc genre-shifting Sucker M.C's in '83.

Much in the same way that Henleys has recently usurped McKenzie as the brand of choice for the generic white trash who populate the U.K, Run Dmc's emergence and debut LP forever changed the landscape of the rap game previously ruled by the holy trinity of o.g old-school groups. Collective stinkeyes were sent in the direction of Run Dmc by The Trecherous Three and The Coldcrush Brothers but it was The Furious Five who were most vociferous in their contempt for the Queens trio as they spent much of their recorded output throughout '84 and '85 firing subliminals before Run Dmc's truimphant Raising Hell LP in '86 was the final nail in the coffin for the old-school, only for the cycle to cruelly repeat itself mere months later when a thinly veiled dis track entitled Ego Trippin' by some Bronx group called Ultramagnetic MC's who you may have heard of poo poo-ed their elementary lyricism and left the front gate open for groups like Eric B. & Rakim, Kool G. Rap & DJ Polo and BDP to kick in the door, thus supplanting Run Dmc from their thrones and sending them hurtling down the rap-game hierarchical system, bar the odd Beats To The Rhyme or Pete Rock produced moment.

And why were The Furious Five the original Madd Rappers? Fear because Run Dmc's state-of-the-art tuff sound was the death knell for old-school rap? Jealousy because Run Dmc successfully crossed over to the mainstream and were makin' that Barry White money? Insecurity because Run Dmc's street-friendly Kangols, bombers and Lee jeans steez made their ostentatious attire seem mad gay?



Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five, Paris, 1983.

A bit of all three, probably, but the embittered dis records The Furious Five made in protest like Step Off and The Truth ended up being some of their finest tracks and, perhaps inspired by the new competition, Melle Mel produced some of his greatest work like Beat Street Breakdown, World War III and King Of The Streets during this period. Don't watch dat, watch disses :

Grandmaster Melle Mel & The Furious Five - The Truth



The first Furious Five LP sans Grandmaster Flash (the original Eric B in regards to lack of contributions for records his name was credited on) with Melle Mel reluctantly taking up the Grandmaster mantle at the request of Sugar Hill Records boss Sylvia Robinson. The album's highlight is undoubtedly Mel's epic World War III but The Truth was the album's statement-of-intent track with a suspciously Sucker M.C's influenced production allowing the group to defensively point out that their sartorial flamboyance pulls a certain class of bird that a group of lads in tracksuits and trainers couldn't hope to follow and that, just because they look like drag queens, they're not actually fooken' puffs, okay?

The Furious Five - Step Off



'84's Step Off stands up as probably the best full group record The Furious Five made and one of the best examples of that mid 80s sound which was a fusion of electro and post-Run Dmc starkness alongside Fresh, Fly, Wild And Bold by Coldcrush. A synth interpolation of For The Love Of Money by The O'Jays is the base for Melle Mel to start the song by casually belittling Sugar Hill label mate Busy Bee before the late Cowboy and Scorpio unleash a torrent of disparaging jibes towards Joey, Daryll and Jason. Rumors that The Furious Five were pissed off at Run Dmc because Jam Master Jay once laughed at Scorpio's Hi-Tec Silver Shadows remain unproven in a court of law.

Melle Mel - King Of The Streets



What initially appears to be a record waxing lyrical about his own self-mythology whilst proclaiming himself the real hometown hero of NYC, upon further inspection '85's King Of The Streets is revealed as an extended attack on both Run Dmc and the new prince of rap LL Cool J. It sounds positively quaint in comparison to the likes of King Of Rock or Rock The Bells but remains an amusing dis record and an interesting historical artefact, nonetheless.

Bonus beats :

Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five - Gold



You thought The Furious Five's bitterness didn't extend beyound making defensive records towards Run Dmc and LL in '84 and '85? Think again, mayne. Flash and the group briefly recoalesced in 1987 to perform at a Madison Square Garden charity concert and then went on to release an underwhelming reunion album called On The Strength the year after, with the singular highlight being Gold where dookie ropechain wearing (and, it's worth pointing out, Russell Simmons affliated) rappers like Slick Rick and Eric B. & Rakim to their shitlist of new rappers worthy of their scorn. Not sure what i love more about this tune : the fact they had the audacity to sample Rakim on a tune which vilified him or the bizarre kazoo rendition of the break from Baby Huey's Listen To Me during the hook. Either way, you can't beat a bitter bully, as a certain gameshow host nearly once said.



You've gotta give Melle Mel his due, though : dook was sporting Budweiser gear a good 4 or 5 years before Kool Keith's all-over print Budweiser hat on the cover of Critical Beatdown and over 25 years before Supreme's Budweiser collabo'.

dear johnny

hey john travolta,

you really confuse me. i saw grease on tv today and i have to admit i have a total wide on for danny zuko. he could be the perfect man, and if not he certainly dresses like him. why did you have to ruin that legacy with your closeted homosexuality, scientology, and growing a really fat neck/ head. pulp fiction was fantastic. i thought you were on the right track for a while there. stop disappointing everyone, it's selfish.

x
kd fantasy

dear johnny

hey john travolta,

you really confuse me. i saw grease on tv today and i have to admit i have a total wide on for danny zuko. he could be the perfect man, and if not he certainly dresses like him. why did you have to ruin that legacy with your closeted homosexuality, scientology, and growing a really fat neck/ head. pulp fiction was fantastic. i thought you were on the right track for a while there. stop disappointing everyone, it's selfish.

x
kd fantasy

embarassing human beings

oh wow. besides being amazing for finding obscure cartoons on youtube, my other all time favorite use of the internet is laughing at the misfortunes of others. my two new hubs for this type of humor are as follows:

LAMEBOOK

makes fun of all the lame-o thing people post on facebook (hence the name). my favorite is when girls fight about their baby daddies, but i couldn't find a good one.

TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT
(717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

(347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

(310): Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

(619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room


(386): I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.

this could be the best thing that has happened to my free time. i thought this site was okay at first, but check out the 'best' and 'worst' nights. you won't be disappointed.

embarassing human beings

oh wow. besides being amazing for finding obscure cartoons on youtube, my other all time favorite use of the internet is laughing at the misfortunes of others. my two new hubs for this type of humor are as follows:

LAMEBOOK

makes fun of all the lame-o thing people post on facebook (hence the name). my favorite is when girls fight about their baby daddies, but i couldn't find a good one.

TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT
(717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

(347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

(310): Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

(619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room


(386): I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.

this could be the best thing that has happened to my free time. i thought this site was okay at first, but check out the 'best' and 'worst' nights. you won't be disappointed.

Martorial elegance # 29

The sartorial choices of the chronically obese fascinate me. When you're this big gluttony has clearly taken precedence over both health and appearance, and, one imagines, comfort is favoured over any semblance of style but surely there have to be more flattering ensembles than green fleeces which look like they were made for Bar-None from Too Much Trouble, sweatpants which blend the least aesthetically pleasing shades of blue and grey into a fusion of sheer drabness (btw, whatever happened with the scientists Cam'Ron had working for him to develop a new colour which he planned to patent for his trademark use on the follow up to Purple Haze?) and the techy runners my dad bought from Millets a decade ago?

If Big Pun could be the size of Saturn and unable to move unaided by Terror Squad weedcarriers, yet still channel Hiroshi Fujiwara, Martin Fry from ABC and Slick Rick into a single get-up then you really have no excuses for that outfit, luv'



Here's a video for a song by a corpulent rapper whose moniker doesn't include the words Big or Fat/Phat :

Chubb Rock - Just The Two Of Us

greatest videos!

adventure time! is a wonderful youtube video by pendelton ward that not only introduced us to the mystical Rainicorn but also brilliant phrases such as 'Rhombus!' as an exclamatory and 'Hey, sloppy milkshake!'

basically, this is one of my all time favorite internet discoveries.

now, there is another whimsically quirky cartoon by the same artist called 'the bravest warriors.' i am really happy so see more work from this guy.

greatest videos!

adventure time! is a wonderful youtube video by pendelton ward that not only introduced us to the mystical Rainicorn but also brilliant phrases such as 'Rhombus!' as an exclamatory and 'Hey, sloppy milkshake!'

basically, this is one of my all time favorite internet discoveries.

now, there is another whimsically quirky cartoon by the same artist called 'the bravest warriors.' i am really happy so see more work from this guy.

Man Candy #6: Jason Bateman

I am like every other human--atleast I hope so--when I say that I have the biggest thing for great actors. Jason Bateman has been on my radar for quite a while. QUITE a WHILE! I remember the first time I saw him . . . no, wait. I don't. I'm extremely honest, I don't remember the first time I saw him act. But the movie was good. I remember that much. Anyway, after that movie, I saw him in another movie. Can't remember . . . OH WAIT! YES! 'Juno'! Man, I feel like a douche for forgetting his amazing performance in 'Juno'. It was the hair. And he looked taller in that movie. I guess that was it. Then I saw him in 'Hancock', and I opened my heart to him. Come crawl into my heart, Jason. Make a home there. Baggage and all that. Nasty lawn gnomes. Antique lamps . . .

Then I finally decided to check out "Arrested Development," because I know that Michael Cera, a previous Man Candy (#4, I believe), was in that show. Plus I heard it was really good. And I had just finished watching "Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist," on STARZ, because it finally debuted and you KNOW how much I love that movie. So I started watching it and I saw Jason. When I saw Jason, I flippin' shitted one of his lawn gnomes! JASON! Plus, I got a kick out of watching Michael Cera when he was young and absolutely nerdy to the extreme. So effin' cute, need I say.

He's also one hell of an actor. He's gooooood. Great. I love his acting. Fun to watch. . . .

I wanna make sweet lurve to you, Jason.

TIDBIT: Check out the trailer for 'Extract', starring him, Mila Kunis (Which reminds me . . .) and Ben Affleck. I'll watch it. Cuz I love Mila and . . . you already know my love affair with Jason. Wink!