Supersonic Man (1979)

John Piquer Simon is a director's name that may not roll off the ol' cerebral cortex as easy as, say, Steven Spielberg, Alfred Hitchcock or Stanley Kubrick. He does, however, have the good fortune of having directed some movies that are as memorable, if not more so, as the above-mentioned directors' product.

For J.P. (if I may) has directed four main movies that the well-educated amongst us are not only familiar with but love and cherish deeply.

One of them, Pieces (1983), plays the old "mad killer with a chainsaw on the loose at an exclusive college" routine; while another, Slugs (1988) gives us a killer animal story in which the title creatures get their turn at decimating most of a town full of idiots; and a third one, Pod People (1983), retells E.T: The Extraterrestrial as a horror movie with two furry E.T.s and a rockin' teenage band and a lot of dead bodies - somehow, I don't think Spielberg would have approved.

Which brings me to the fourth most famous film that J.P. Simon has ever made - Supersonic Man.

And if that title sounds more than a little familiar, it's only because I've mentioned it hundreds of times on wish-lists and vid postings, marveling that something so ungainly and so apparent in its intentions was actually made and marketed and played in theaters. My only regret is that I never saw this in a theater myself. THAT would have been truly super...

And yes, I said that on purpose, since this is yet another foreign cash-in on a genre fave - in this case, Superman: The Movie. And J.P. Simon is a past master at ripoffs (just look up at the third paragraph for a quick reminder).

The plot is simplicity itself: a spaceship high above Earth deposits our superhero on Terra Firma to foil the machinations of the evil Dr. Gulik, who has kidnapped an eminent scientist who possesses the abilities and formulas to help him rule the world. This, of course, would cause a chain reaction throughout the universe that would affect Supe's race as well. And so Supersonic (as even his alien supervisor calls him in the beginning) is given a normal human form to walk amongst the humans until danger arises and he speaks into his Casio watch his triggering phrase:

"May The Great Force of the Galaxies Be With Me!"

So great; not only are we covering Superman but Star Wars as well. That J.P.: he knows how to multi-task.

But it also helps that as a villain, J.P. was able to snag the likes of Cameron Mitchell. Yes, THAT Cameron Mitchell; the man who was a semi-respected actor for awhile, and had a slew of big movies under his belt (Death of a Salesman, How to Marry A Millionaire, Carousel) when he fell on hard times and had to take roles like that of the scenery-chewing, Shakespeare-quoting, "vini-vidi-vici"ing Doctor Gulik. Hair coiffed in a tight afro, dressed in a green and black uniform complete with riding breeches and black boots and smoking a long stream of Tiparillos, Cameron gave it all he had and made an appropriate villain; his face comfortably contorted in a perpetual sneer, every line delivered with venom and his eyes glaring with contempt, his was the best performance in Supersonic Man - but even then, that's like saying he won a 100 yard dash against a Adirondack chair.

The sad thing is no one else in this thing registers as a character - not even the LEAD character, fer cryin' out loud!! How sad is that? This is the same problem Michael Keaton had against Jack Nicholson in another superhero movie you may have heard of, and ten years early, to boot!

But back to the story: so far, this sounds like a movie that might work, right? All the elements are there, it seems - but remember, this is a movie that was directed by the man whose largest exposure to the general public was when Pod People was featured on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Episode #303, Invention Exchanges: Three-Handed Guitar Riff; Public Domain Karaoke. Nyah.) and anyone who is familiar with J.P. knows that he cannot, will not and must not leave well enough alone.

Also in the mix of this story are a dim-witted drunk who staggers around with his little pet basset hound and a bunch of inept henchmen of Gulik who cannot seem to garner enough brain cells together to form a cohesive thought.

It's like if Superman: The Movie were cast so that every other character was Otis.

Of course, when Supersonic is not flying through the air (and by flying I mean standing on a solid-colored blue or black sound stage with his arms over his head while the camera is tilted sideways and "whooosh" sounds are played) in bright glittery red and blue spandex tights and cowl and fulla muscles (as Aussie group Men At Work would say), he is a plain, mustachioed Earthling private eye named Paul.

...and yes, it seems kind of odd that after seemingly a day or so on Earth he went undercover as someone who already has a job and car and such. But hey, what did you expect - sense?

Paul keeps an eye on Professor Morgan's daughter Patricia, who is out to find her father's captors and save him herself. She's feisty, but not quite the equal of Margot Kidder. And she's just a second-string player in a movie that makes her something to protect or rescue.

The special effects are at least equal to Pod People but not quite as effective as in Pieces (blessing in disguise, that). Plastic model kit spaceships, plywood steam rollers, robots built out of a filing cabinet, visible strings on helicopters and superheroes and other things that are supposed to be in the air. It's comforting, somehow, in this era's level of technology (or even the level that was attainable in 1979) to see something so primitive as to be considered "cute" and "retroactive" as the effects herein. Which it naturally is.

Really. It's a compliment! Why are you looking at me like that?

I guess in the end Supersonic Man is a spoof of superhero movies, which would explain the bad comedy scenes and the overt scenery-chewing by Mitchell, not to mention the level of effects throughout. So, why no love from the rest of the world?

They don't understand you, Supersonic Man. And neither do they you, J.P. Simon. They don't understand the undercurrents of irony, the level of work it takes to come off as good-naturedly self-deprecating while looking a tad like crap. Just a tad. You're fun, you're entertaining and you are more than what you seem.

If this movie were a woman, I'd vote it to be Miss America.

No wonder I love this movie. It is everything a good movie should be: entertaining, never boring, fun to watch with friends or by yourself and worth the effort it takes in watching it when compared to the dividends it returns in entertainment value.

And to all of you reading this review, I don't care what it takes, who you have to bribe, how you get it or where you do it - you MUST watch Supersonic Man at least once. Maybe twice, just to pick up on all the tiny details. You will not be disappointed. And hey, if you read this blog at all, then you must be on the same wavelength as I as far as movies go - so it's already a safe bet that you'll love it. Guaranteed.

Just don't go into Supersonic Man expecting Superman.

Or even Aquaman.