Foreign Poster Atrocities #3

Yes, yes I know: I'm still working on what to do my podcast on right now, don't get all pushy on me, okay?

But I just noticed that the last two installments of my poking fun at foreign movie posters had disappeared off the page, So I thought I'd do it again (I figure once a month is fair, don't you?)

So here we go again, me and imaginary co-commentator Jeff, with numero tres in the series. Hunker down....

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TGWD - I don't think this is the official Stephen King-approved poster.

JEFF - I don't think Stevie Wonder would approve this poster.

JEFF - So Cujo is now a basset/boxer hybrid?

TGWD - Apparently, and as threatening as the chewed-up slipper littering the ground around him.

JEFF - He'll slobber you to death, man.

TGWD - The only "killer" thing about this Cujo is that killer arched eyebrow.

TGWD - "Hey, baby. Yeah, dat's right: I'm Cujo."

JEFF - And instead of Dee Wallace and Danny Pinaturo they have...

TGWD - Mrs. Livingston and Martin Short.

JEFF - Martin Really Short.

JEFF - "Oh Cujo, why you kill Mistah Eddie's fathah?"

JEFF - "Oh, he's killer as killer can be, I must say...."

TGWD - You know, this isn't exactly the medium for impressions.

JEFF - Oh yeah. Moving on....

TGWD - I feel mesmirized by Cujo's hypnotic stare. It's burning through me.

JEFF - Telling me to feed him nothing but Chuck Wagon, just so he can snap the head off that little wagonmaster.

TGWD - Poor little guy; as if it's not hard enough to pilot those tiny horses across linoleum, he gets a bunch of damn dogs chasing after him.

TGWD - Either that or he pilots that rowboat around in your toilet tank.

JEFF - Amazing how effective little people are at selling you things, isn't it? Little people in trees making cookies, driving dog food-filled conestogas at breakneck speed through your house, swimming around in your toilet water, just waiting for you to lift the lid so they can talk to you about the importance of the chlorine crystals for a cleaner-smelling toilet bowl.

TGWD - Well, if anyone would want a cleaner-smelling bowl, it'd be the little guy piloting his boat around...

JEFF - Don't say it.

TGWD - Chocolate Island.

JEFF - You said it anyway.

TGWD - I was so disappointed to find out the toilet in my house growing up didn't have a little guy in a boat. I'd check each day, just to make sure....

JEFF - Going to the bathroom's supposed to be a private time. You don't need a guy yelling "Ahoy" behind you, wanting to talk about how clean your toilet could be.

JEFF - Put him back in the refrigerator to turn the light off inside, where he belongs.

TGWD - I just realized where they got the dog's face from: Sam Elliott.

JEFF - Oh my God, you're right - poor Sam got trapped with two dogs in the Brundlefly machine.

JEFF - He's got the mustache and everything.

TGWD - That's why his eyebrow's arched; thinking about Katherine Ross.

JEFF - Okay; what's the deal with Martin Short's pants?

TGWD - His pants are clenched in fear.

JEFF - At the though to Cujo leering at him.

TGWD - Whilst thinking of Katherine Ross.

JEFF - All the while, Mrs. Livingston's as unconcerned as can be, staring off into space. A smirk of complacency on her face.

TGWD - No, she's looking at Cujo's name, wondering why it's spelled out in popcorn.

JEFF - That's kibble, probably the only thing that dog would bite.

TGWD - Certainly a beautiful day in that poster; not a cloud in the sky.

TGWD - And everyone looks pretty much in a good mood; Cujo's sittin' there thinkin' about Katherine Ross...

JEFF - Mrs.Livingston pondering the importance of names spelled out in food...

TGWD - Martin Short's the only one with a look of concern.

JEFF - Maybe this is where he got the idea to do Clifford. Only he was so scared that instead of a big red dog, he made a movie that was a dog.

TGWD - Because of this poster, some poor rube would rent it, expecting a touching story like Old Yeller, get it home and presto: traumatized kids.

TGWD - As if Old Yeller weren't traumatizing enough.

JEFF - You know, this does kind of look like a poster for Shiloh instead of a killer dog movie.

TGWD - Hence the subtitle.

JEFF - Maybe that would work with all of King's books-turned-movies.

TGWD - Misery: The Leg-Breaking.

JEFF - Thinner: The Lame Plotline.

TGWD - Dreamcatcher: The Huge Mistake.

JEFF - Carrie: Bloody Prom Fun Time.

TGWD - See, that was the Japanese title.

JEFF -I think we're done. Let's go.

TGWD - With our pants clenched in fear.

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And like that, it's done.

Dope (and Jeff) out.

-TGWD