The Dope's Top 10 Wanna-Sees!

Anyone who knows me (even in passing) knows that I have a lot of movies. I mean A LOT. I have shelf after shelf of DVDs and VHSes, in fact. And many of them are those rarities, those gems, diamonds in the rough that only a selected few have ever seen, heard of or even remember.

True enough to say that it takes a special kind of movie lover who will give a smile, slow nod and deep sigh of fond remembrance when you mention titles to them the likes of War Of The Gargantuas, The Astro-Zombies, Nail Gun Massacre, For Your Height Only, Holocaust 2000 and/or Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare. And yes, I own all of those.

But as hard as it is to believe, there are still a few movies that I have yet to see and a desire to own, just for that fond desire of clutching it close to my chest and sighing deep as I whisper, "You're MINE...all MINE...." But suffice it to say, they are not all titles that can be had at your local Blockbuster's monthly DVD sale.

If they were, do you think I'd waste my time talking about them here? Come on, I have my standards...and I'll live up to them someday. ;D

Anyway, for those of you who care to venture into my deep, dark heart and see what wriggling terrors lie within, behold the Dope's top 10 Must Haves - the 10 movies I want!

(EDITOR'S NOTE: ANY TITLES/DESCRIPTIONS THAT LOOK LIKE THIS DENOTE THAT I HAVE FINALLY GOT MY COPY OF THIS THROUGH TRADES/PURCHASES/DILIGENCE. THANKS TO ANY OF YOU WHO HELPED IN THAT AREA! NOW ON WITH THE LIST....)

10. Heartbeeps (1981, D.: Allan Arkush)

Notable as one of the few major movies that starred Andy Kaufman, it's notable of little else, save for the fact that it also features Bernadette Peters and the voices of comedian Jack Carter and Christopher Guest as robots. See, it's the future and Andy and Bernadette are robots...with feelings. They're also unrecognizable under tons of makeup and, in spite of the fact that their intentions were honorable in making this flick, it's supposed to be stupid, boring, syrupy, ridiculous and incomprehensible, all at the same time.

Who WOULDN'T want it?






9. JAWS 3/JAWS 3-D (1983, D.: Joe Alves)

This, I think, is the movie that started the whole JAWS backlash. For starters, it doesn't even take place in Amity Beach, Roy Scheider isn't in the cast (ditto Richard Dreyfuss, who almost certainly couldn't have been busy at the time), Steven Spielberg had nothing to do with it, the producers originally intended for this entry to be a COMEDY(!!), the shark look fake for the most part, the stars (Lou Gossett Jr., Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Lea Thompson, Simon MacCorkindale) seem to be playing it up as campy as possible, (especially Lou Gossett) and (this is the clincher) it was all originally released in 3-D! One of these days, I swear to have both the 2-D and 3-D versions of this beauty! Someday....





8. Kiss Daddy Goodbye (1981, D.: Patrick Regan)

Way back when, as I watched "Elvira's Movie Macabre" one dark night, she did a number on this movie, which seemed to be tailor-made for her show. The film-making was sub-par, the actors were even lousier, I don't think the director could set up a shot to save his life, the only two stars in this one were Fabian (yes, the singer) and Marilyn Burns (the heroine from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre), and as I recall, not one scary thing happened in this whole "scary" movie. Films about kids with ESP who resurrect their murdered father to kill off the members of an outlaw biker gang should have at least some scary moments. Not here. Nope. But it was funny, so hence its inclusion.




7. Dracula Vs. Frankenstein (1971, D.: Al Adamson)

Al Adamson was a schlock movie maker par excelence, one who made such Z-grade junk as Satan's Sadists, Five Bloody Graves and Blazing Stewardesses. His horror movies were loaded with weird dialogue, even-weirder scenes, at least one drug sequence per film and usually featured his woman at the time, Regina Carroll. This film, which was to be the last one for legendary horror movie icons J. Carrol Naish and Lon Chaney Jr., unfortunately also starred Zandor Vorkoff as Dracula. And NEVER has there been a worse Dracula on film (yes, worse than Frank Langella). The stupidity starts at the first frame and ends with the last - EVERYONE must own this one.





6. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978, D.: Michael Schultz)

Okay, first of all, what was Michael Schultz, director of Car Wash and Scavenger Hunt doing directing a movie based on Beatles songs but not featuring John, Paul, George or Ringo in the cast? Instead, this all-narrated musical (yes, you heard me) stars Peter Frampton and The Bee-Gees as the titular band, with an all-star cast (headed by George Burns) backing them up - or more appropriately, pushing them forward to take the brunt of criticism. In spite of the able efforts of Aerosmith, Steve Martin and Alice Cooper, this one stunk - badly. But at least it wasn't as bad as Xanadu.






5. Starcrash (1979, D.: Luigi Cozzi)

A Star Wars ripoff, yes, but a badly-dubbed, horridly-modeled, dully-acted, tad-too-shiny Star Wars ripoff. From Italy, of all places. International star Caroline Munro is Stella Star, a female Han Solo type, who toddles through space with ever-grinning Marjoe Gortner and a bounty hunter robot (voiced by Hamilton Camp). Together they try to overthrow evil Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell) and bring a kidnapped prince (David Hasselhoff!) back to his father The Emperor Of Space (Christopher Plummer). It's all as crazy as it sounds, complete with multi-colored stars, really bad stop-motion animation and more explosions than you can count. And who designs a hand-shaped spaceship? Really.





4. Body Melt (1993, D.: Philip Brophy)

If you're familiar with Peter (Lord of the Rings) Jackson's early efforts (Bad Taste, Dead Alive, Meet The Feebles), then you'd understand better where this Australian film is coming from. Not only does it deal with several people dying because of the mutating effects of a designer "health drug" the local doctor gives them, it also contains some of the freakiest, most messed-up special effects you've ever seen in your life. I've only seen clips of this beauty...BUT I WANT MORE!!!








3. Billy The Kid Versus Dracula (1966, D.: William Beaudine)

I already own the second of this series (Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter) which is also directed by old "One-Shot" Beaudine and bad enough in its own right. But I've yet to see the haunting majesty of this western horror opus, which is supposedly even worse. Hey, it even stars John Carradine; that alone makes it worth owning!








2. Beware! The Blob (1972, D.: Larry Hagman)

The film that J.R. shot! Yes, that's how this one was advertised and, as far as novelty goes, that's all this sequel to the 1958 classic had going for it. Okay, that and the fact that it also starred Dick Van Patten, Cindy Williams, Godfrey Cambridge, Bud Cort, Burgess Meredith, Hagman (in a bit part as a bum), the kid who played Charlie X in that one classic episode of "Star Trek" and Gerritt Graham in an ape suit, not to mention several other actors who were relatively well-known in the '70s. They're all basically blob-chow, anyway. It's not good but at least it knows it and plays it up for all it's worth.





And now, the one I must have beyond the shadow of a doubt....

1. Frankenstein Island (1981, D.: Jerry Warren)

This is it, the absolute most amazing, dunderheaded, stupid film ever made - and that's the good points!

Forget for a minute it was directed by the man who gave the world Teenage Zombies and The Wild Wild World of Batwoman; forget the fact that its big-name stars consist solely of John Carradine (him again!) and the even-schlockier Cameron Mitchell; forget that the special effects were ancient even for 1981; forget that there are a mountain of inconsistencies and bit actors who could only have been hired for an endeavor as bad as this one and never again; forget the fact that it begins with a hot air balloon scene (usually an indicator of a bad film, sez Roger Ebert) and has indecipherable printing/captioning over it, rendering the whole scene asinine; forget all that - any Frankenstein movie made even as recent as 1981 whose headlining monster looks like THIS:



...is just asking for it. The boot, that is. Which is seemingly what it got. Heck, I even remember seeing this one featured on Siskel & Ebert's "Sneak Previews" back in the day as the "Dog Of The Week" for that particular week's show!

Therefore, I want it. Want want WANT it, I tell you!

And so there you have it; my must-haves. SO, if anyone out there wants to be my best friend for life, get me one of these movies. If you want to be my best friend for the next 20 lifetimes, get me ALL of them. :D

Dope out.

-TGWD