Trending RIGHT Now (5/3/2011)

1. Shania Twain - In a televised statement that would go on for over two hours, Ms, Twain ranted and railed against someone she overheard who said that country music was "no longer relevant".  She ended her telecast by debuting a new song where her husband ran off with another woman after taking her pick-up truck and running over her dog while her daddy worked the fields alone.

2. Selena Gomez - After being announced as hostess for the upcoming MuchMusic Awards, Ms. Gomez promised her fans that this had nothing to do with her recent travels to Canada to try and find a cure for Beiber Fever.  "I felt so bad for them, being Canadian and all," she said.

3. Phil Spector - Still isn't getting "that Johnny Cash vibe" in prison; he hopes it will come soon, since he was promised a harmonica next month. 

4. Abigail Breslin - Answering critics who claim she is still too young to be taken seriously as an actress, Ms. Breslin tearfully admonished a roomful of Associated Press reporters.  To which the assembled responded, quote, "awwwww," end quote.

5. Fake quote - "Ask not what your country can do for you, read my lips and tear down this wall for the Gipper."  - Andrew Jackson

6. Manny Pacquiao - Angered about the lack of usable vowels for most modern-day names, one man is setting out to legalize the use of more than one "U" in his name.  Film at 11.

7. Thunderbolt iMac - The proposed sequel to Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, sans Jeff Bridges and Clint Eastwood, is expected to star Steve Jobs playing a dual role.  Though sure he will be able to play a character who looks like he was just kicked in the head, his secondary role may be harder since it requires him to be an invisible shape-shifting Gran Torino.

8. Credit card fraud - Today a Visa Card attempted to enter Paraguay illegally by pretending to be a Diners Club Card.  A quick trial is expected today, followed by a hasty shredding.

9. Fuel-efficient cars - Many such car models have been developed, unfortunately their creators admit that while none of them use a drop of gas, that is because they do not have engines; just big push pedals.

10. Geronimo - Though still popular with parachute enthusiasts, newer names to shout have been tried out at plane-jumping centers recently.  Dances With Wolves, Johnny Firecloud and Two-Pines-Shimmering-After-Driving-Rain tested well, but many admit that Feathered-Chief-Running-Cloud-Descending-Mountain-Through-Raging-Forest-Fire-Caused-By-White-Man's-Negligence-And-Rampant-Smug-Superiority-Against-Those-Who-Were-Here-First-And-Were-Unfairly-Driven-Off-Their-Land, while historically thorough, still killed many jumpers who never finished shouting it after 900 feet.