The Worst Posters Ever!!! Part 12

Here I am, sitting in utter disbelief that I am even writing this particular post, because there is no conceivable way that I should be writing this post to begin with.

How many really awful movie posters can there be in the world?  Isn't there some sort of law against this?  I mean, don't people know that if your poster is bad then the reception to their movie will be even worse?  Do they think about this?  Does anyone?  ISN'T ANYONE OUT THERE THINKING ABOUT ANY OF THIS AT ALL???

I'm sorry...I'm sorry.  I apologize.  I shouldn't have lost my composure like that.  I have to realize that there are just so many really lousy posters for movies that it's going to take a while to catalog them all.  This is a huge endeavor; it's already lasted longer than writing about how lousy 1985 was for movies...and I thought that one would never end as it was.

Okay, let's get to the business at hand and then take our meds.

CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE

So this is how you want to promote your big, high-octane thrill ride of an action film, huh?  Jason Statham pointing a gun against a yellow background.  And does it look to anyone else that they just pasted Jas' head on top of a PED XING figure?  You know, guys, it's junk like this that ruined Charles Bronson's career: no, I don't mean the movies, I mean these posters.

DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS

Congratulations; your poster just got photo-bombed by Steve Carell after he came back from having his teeth whitened.  And Paul Rudd's none too happy about it.  I guess I can't complain about PhotoShopping in this one, but do I really want to see these guys' skin pores up close and personal?  If I wanted dermatology reports of the stars, I have the Internet for that.  And I also don't need Steve Carell trying to steal my soul with his eyes...or eye, in this case.  And that's what he's doing.  Right like that; I...GAH!  Stop that, Carell!!

SEX AND THE CITY 2

Yeah yeah yeah; I know I already did a SATC2 poster before this, I know that - but now Sarah Jessica Parker had to drag her little friends in on this one!  And I mean Cattrall, Davis and Nixon, not her...oh, you know what I meant.  The one on the left has this pained expression like her latte's getting cold, Parker's twirling around her taffeta like a prom queen on Red Bull, Cattrall looks as if she's trying out for the next Jackie O biopic from how wide she's able to get her mouth, and Nixon's just slooooowly inching off to one side, sneaking out to let everyone else act like idiots.  And by the way, there's no city in this poster, and no one's having sex (thank GOD); it's just a desert and material chicks.  Why was this show so popular again?  Anyone?

SOUL MAN

First of all, any movie that has the word "COMEDY" in its poster is just straining for any of the straws it can grab so as to stay afloat.  Otherwise we have C. Thomas Howell off to one side, being his typical C. Thomas Howell self...and that's it.  Well, nothing else says "COMEDY" like that, does it? And for your laff-fest, I'd kinda downplay the fact that it's being directed by the guy who directed Friday The 13th Part 2...unless Jason Voorhees is in it.  Now THAT would make for a "COMEDY".

FURRY VENGEANCE

Join me in welcoming Brenda Fraser back from his last triumphant engagement at TWPE!!!, and I think this one is even worse/ Any live-action movie that evokes the same feel as a Hanna-Barbera cartoon with animals beating up humans is one thing.  But Brendan looks to be stuck in CGI hell with creatures more befitting rejected Over The Hedge characters.  I think if Fraser had his clothes shredded, his hair on fire, a bear trap on one leg and an army of fire ants crawling over his face, it would still look right at home in this paean to overkill.  I get it: the animals are going to go all National Wildlife Foundation on his butt.  Geez, even the poster for George Of The Jungle was more subtle than this.

I have something special coming up for the next installment.  Oh, they'll still be The Worst Posters Ever!!!...but with a little added kick.  Something just for you, you sick twisted sick sicko.  Salivating yet?  Good.

Dope out.

- TGWD