The Official Mecha-Blog-Zilla Paris Hilton Interview!

What is the world coming to?  I mean, how hard can it be to insult Paris Hilton so that she walks right out on her own interview?

I guess some people are just good at finding the right pressure-points on some people so as to insult them in juuuust the right way.  I mean, accusations of drunken binges, drug use, unflattering South Park caricatures and whoring out herself for millions to add to her billions...and she still has a sensitive spot???  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??

I mean come on, interviewer guy; you apparently approached that whole interview the completely wrong way, seeing as how when *I talked to her, she just trooped along and....

...hm?

Oh please, you KNEW there was going to be something like this come up!

I mean sure, this interview happened a couple of years ago, but I never posted it because...well...it was just too embarrassing.  Much like the time I spoke with Charlie Sheen, only more...Paris Hilton-y.

Let me set the mood: a while back this disguised voice called me up and asked if I wanted to meet and interview a celebrity, and if so, then I better get to the Days Inn at 7023 West Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood quick.  I had no time to ask who that person was before they hung up...and didn't have to when I saw my caller ID said it was from Paris Hilton's home phone number. Putting two and two together, you know.

I then caught the next plane out, found the Days Inn and there in the lobby was Paris, collapsed next to an unidentified Puerto Rican man quietly singing "Guantanamera" to himself.  She was trying to wear a Christian Dior off-the-shoulder burlap sack-looking number and Green Keds.  (what is it with celebrities and green footwear?)  Undaunted by her near-unconsciousness, I began the interview immediately.

THEGREATWHITEDOPE - Miss Hilton...?


PARIS HILTON - (snaps out of sleep) ¡Más tequila! (looks at me)  Ohhh...where's the tequila?


TGWD - Uh, I was told you wanted to do an interview with....


PH - Oh hey, you're that blog guy who did that review for Grizzly II, aren't you?



 TGWD - You read that?


 PH - (laughs) Nah!  But my publicist did...and she said it'd be good if I talked to someone like you who had a funny view of.... (drifts off)

 TGWD - ...


 PH - Wanna pet my kitty? (she holds up the white ball of hair on her lap)


 TGWD - Is it alive?


 PH  - I don't know; Mister Froo-Froo hasn't said much since "The Microwave Incident".


 TGWD - "The Mic..."?


 PH - Shhh...(looks around, whispers) we don't talk about "The Microwave Incident".  At least not while the SPCA's payin' me.  (tosses hair ball aside with a thud) Sooo...whaddya wanna talk 'bout, Mister Great White Shark?

 TGWD  - Dope.


 PH - No thanks, I'm full!  (laughs out loud, stops, looks around) Is the room spinning?



TGWD - Why don't we start with your childhood?


PH - Okey-doke.


(several minutes pass in silence)

TGWD - Miss Hilton?


PH - Yah?


TGWD - Your childhood?


PH - Oh, you meant NOW!  Okay...I was....  Tell you the truth, it was pretty much a blur from 12 on.

TGWD - But before that?


PH - Psh!  NOTHING! (beat) Oh, but I remember the bong!


TGWD - The...bong.


PH - The bong was my friend.  (dreamy)  Always there for me.  My buddy.  Bong buddy.  Buddy bong.... (distant look)


TGWD - Okay, I see where this is going.  Why don't I just ask a few random questions and see what I can get away with asking you, how does that sound?


PH - Did you know that Denver, Colorado has an ordinance that if your last name is Hilton they won't let you have a little harmless (makes quotes with fingers) "cocaine orgy" in the Ramada pool area?  Found that out the hard way.


TGWD - Do you think it's possible that you're too famous for your own good?


PH - If that means not getting your picture on your own line of kiddie cosmetics and pregnancy detector things, then NO!


TGWD - Are you afraid you'll wake up one day and not be famous anymore?


PH - As long as the liquor holds out, I'll live in a cardboard box, honey!


TGWD - How about the fact that people only like you because your name is Paris Hilton?


PH - Just don't call me Nicole Ritchie and we'll be fine.


TGWD - Don't you own a decent pair of underwear?


PH - My thongs keep riding up over my hips; can't figure that out.


TGWD - You led Britney Spears down the path to Hell with you for awhile, didn't you?


PH - (fondly) Boy, she sure knew where all the good bars were...and could she karaoke!


TGWD - You're not really a very good interviewee, you know...


PH - GWAN-TAN-A-MAAARRRRE-UHHH!


TGWD- Okay, I think we're...


PH - I GOT A GWAN-TAN-A-MAAARRRRE-UHHH!!!


It was at this point in the interview when she and the Puerto Rican gentleman next to her proceeded to sing "Guantanamera" an almost certain record 58 times without one note being in tune and Days Inn security was called and we were escorted off the property that I knew things couldn't be recovered.  Within minutes, Miss Hilton had stepped out of her dress, hitched a ride on the back of a tractor trailer truck headed for Huntington Beach.

Mind you, though, at no time did she walk out on the interview.  So come on, interviewer guy: learn to ask the right questions.  At the right time.

Dope out.

- TGWD

*= By the way, there is every indication that this interview never took place, seeing as I had drank a whole bottle of cough syrup and was on painkillers at the time.  Still doesn't explain the overnight plane tickets to Hollywood, though....