The Worst Posters EVER!!! Part 2

Yep, time for another one.

When I began this little segment, I knew that there'd be plenty of examples of bad artwork or picture work for movie posters, and yet I had no idea that the examples I would dredge up would be made all the worse by one (or two) facts:

1) They really don't do much to make you curious as to the picture they advertise.

2) They be 'Merrican made, bub.

Dass right; now sit back, pop open a brew, have some apple pie and listen to ol' Rush Limbaugh, 'cuz we buy American and we got American pride!

WOO! Ford Trucks!

Sorry.

Anyway, it's time now to drink in more local flavor, ready or not:
























COLD SOULS

ACK!! A troika doll-headed Paul Giamatti here puts me more in mind of the Arnold Schwarzenegger disguise used in Total Recall than anything resembling a "flat-out funny" movie. Anyone going in looking for a sci-fi romp wherein Giamatti mows down millions of people with his dirt-boring machine on Mars is going to be hugely disappointed. Besides which, this poster scares me. I can't look past the...uh, no; let's move on.


























DAY OF THE DOLPHIN

That may be the choice for "Greatest Tag Line of All Time", but this isn't a Mad Magazine parody and that sure ain't Alfred E. Newman looking heroically off into the horizon. What is George C. Scott doing in this, and why should we be lulled into a sense of complacency that this is a poster for a serious, thought-provoking drama?? It's about KILLER DOLPHINS! And not a one of them have a frickin' laser on their head.

























UP THE SANDBOX

A Time Magazine mock-up with Barbra Streisand's name on it, Babs tied to a baby bottle AND pregnant? What does any of this have to do with explaining a movie title like this one? What is this: DeviantARt: The Movie? I've never seen this movie but now, based on this poster, I don't think I will, if just for the fact that I'm afraid someone would try to sell me a subscription to the same magazine advertised here. Oprah already has her own rag-mag; isn't that enough ego for you, world???!
























DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Retelling #16,472 of the same Charles Dickens chestnut? Fine, but what does a Scrooge-animated Jim Carrey riding a rocket-powered bell like the latest sex toy through the air have to do with any of this? And with that...expression? I don't wanna know what demographic Disney's going after with this kind of poster. They could have gotten away wtith it as a Touchstone Picture, maybe...but this is enough to make Walt turn over in his cryogenic chamber.

























CHANGELING

ACK! ACK!! Giant Angelina Jolie head about to eat a poor defenseless child! Run, kid! RUN!!!! See, if this was the plot, I'd watch. But it ain't; it's just more Clint Eastwood Academy-Award fodder. Personally, I think Hollywood's missing a bet by not casting Angelina Jolie as a gigantic disembodied head monster who eats small children. Tell me you wouldn't watch that and I'd say you're a liar. Tell me you're not sorry that isn't what this poster's advertising and I'd say you're a big fat liar.

Okay, enough harrowing nightmares for one installment; more next time.

Hmm...I see that I missed that promised Christopher Lambert poster this time.... Have to remember him for installment three. I know I have one of him around here somewhere.

Dope out.

- TGWD