Nothing But Trouble (1991)

I guess we all should have seen this coming.

Seeing that Eddie Murphy thought he was such a comedic genius that he could perpetrate Harlem Nights on an unsuspecting public, it stands to reason that the even more-genius Dan Aykroyd believed he could do better.

We're talking not only all those years of hard work on "Saturday Night Live" (like Eddie) and roles in landmark comedies (like Eddie) but the perception that since he was a brilliant farceur who had an innate sense of comedic timing, he not only had the ability to write great comedies, but should also have a chance to prove how brilliant he was by directing one, too (like Eddie).

In spite of the fact that he had never directed anything before (like Eddie).

That didn't stop Dan from creating Nothing But Trouble, which was technically shoe-horned into the classification of comedy, in spite of the fact that there is only a tenuous connection to the word.

Man, the similarities to this and Harlem Nights are just getting stronger and stronger, aren't they?

We should take a moment and note that there are, in fact, some differences between Harlem Nights and Nothing But Trouble. Granted, both are absolutely horrible and neither one deserve the moniker of comedy (yet both were released as such), yet the style of both are so different that it's like comparing botulism to malaria.

First, a description: big-time New York financial advisor Chris Thorne (Chevy Chase) meets Diane Lightson (Demi Moore), the ex-employee/spurned lover of a fellow wheeler-dealer and, because of some shady dealings, agrees to take her to a business meeting in New Jersey. To their dismay, they must take along the annoying Fausto (Taylor Negron) and even-more annoying Renalda (Bertila Damas), brother-and-sister millionaires from Brazil and clients of Thorne's.

On the day of their trip, Thorne suffering from a raging hangover and the unwanted company of Fausto and Renalda, they travel along in Thorne's BMW, passing along various barren points of disinterest along the way. One of these points, a small practically abandoned mining town, is where they run a stop sign and, after a long semi-elaborate and mainly pointless chase, all are arrested by police persons John Candy and Valri Bromfield and taken to the local court of Valkenvania - the small hamlet they almost passed through - and arraigned by ancient judge Alvin Valkenheiser (Aykroyd).

Only Thorne notices that the Judge has a nose shaped like a penis but never says anything about it. Maybe he knows what side his bread's buttered on.

The house they are being held captive in, however, is nothing but room after room of Rube Goldberg-esque traps without any of the Saw-esque irony. And, after an appearance by Daniel Baldwin and Digital Underground, Thorne and Lightson attempt to escape...and escape...and escape....

Aside from this being the biggest and most blatant example of a vanity project for Aykroyd (who not only starred - in two roles, no less - and directed but also co-wrote with brother Peter), the biggest trouble with Nothing But Trouble (heh) is that for a comedy there are few to no laughs to be had. There are deaths, there is shooting, there is the threat of the ominous Bonestripper (scenes of which were trimmed down and un-bloodied before initial release, Thank GOD) and almost everyone in this "comedy" is threatened with a gun, a knife or a stuffed skunk.

The darkness of tone is more befitting of something macabre and serious. When the script tries for laughs they really aren't that funny; it's like watching sitcom gags for a Fox Channel show that didn't last half a season. A condiment train that circles a dinner table, a basement holding chamber filled with squeaky toys and lines mostly spoken by Aykroyd's Judge character that bear little to no resemblance to comedy in this world as it does the world of an addled 90 year-old. Read these lines aloud yourself and see if they make you double over in belly laughs:

"Look who's got the front seats to the Mexican hat dance now!"

"You really put the pin in the party hog now, girl!"

"Just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake!"

"Quick as sump grease through a ten-year old goose!"

and the ever-popular:

"Y'know, you are worse than a week of yellow s***storms."

Oh, and there's kind of a twist ending if you stick around long enough for it. Only that it isn't all that good, doesn't make you long for a sequel and makes you look at Judge Valkenheiser's nose again.

What I can't get over is the amount of money that looks to have been spent on this thing. $40 million on a plot that was built up from one episode each from The Brady Bunch, I Love Lucy, CPO Sharkey, The Doris Day Show and That Girl. There is absolutely nothing to this plot and the only reason it cost this much is for its cast and for some of the most overblown, outlandish and grotesquely designed sets this side of a Charles Addams nightmare. Seriously. It looks like a Las Vegas junkyard. Something like this should have cost about one-quarter of this, provided it had a better script. Which it didn't. So there you go.

And speaking of the cast: Chevy Chase has certainly been in some lousy films (Under the Rainbow, anyone?) and this is no different, but this is the first time that I've seen him in a movie where it looks like he was under heavy sedation for every scene. At least in Modern Problems he had a reason for looking drug-addled.

Demi Moore has no business being in a comedy. She isn't funny. She doesn't contribute anything as far as funny scenes, funny lines, funny faces or even with her body being a sexy sight gag. She wasn't even funny when she was removing most of her clothes in Striptease. What comedy could she supply in a film where she stays dressed?

I mentioned John Candy before. He was a funny guy, even in Who's Harry Crumb? (which I'll get to someday). However, he plays his role as a rural sheriff more-or-less straight. In a dual role as deaf-mute Eldona, Candy wears pale makeup and wears dresses that will remind most of when he played Divine in his Second City days...and I think that's what Aykroyd was counting on here - residual memory from SCTV fans. Didn't work, even with help from Frankie Valli.

And what parts are essayed by Negron, Damas, and Bromfield are only worth mentioning because of their lack of entertainment value overall. Yes, even less than Demi Moore.

The worse fate is reserved for Aykroyd. As director and co-writer he has no one else to blame for the failure of Nothing But Trouble. And certainly no one else is to blame for his portrayal of Judge Valkenheiser as an old, borderline-senile man with various body features that will give the casual viewer nightmares. He also plays the part of a blobbish, mutant nephew or something-or-other named Bobo who is - like everything else in this movie - inexplicable. How can someone as talented as Aykroyd allow himself to look as bad and as talentless and as unfunny as he makes himself herein?

That's the fallacy of vanity projects; when the work of your hands involves you so deeply and so completely that all you can see is the hope and glory of your work, any small discrepancy such as cohesion, humor, talent or connection with a large audience is usually overlooked.

Aykroyd never had a problem like this when he wrote GhostBusters. He certainly didn't come across derision when he scripted Spies Like Us. He wasn't pelted with stones when he penned Dragnet. Did anyone hate him for inking out The Blues Brothers? Certainly not, and he was even part of the cast in those, too. So the general rule of thumb doesn't apply here for him.

But this IS, again, all him. Aykroyd has become a member of the same badly-listing lifeboat of auteurs as Eddie Murphy, Dennis Hopper and Henry Jaglom. Well, maybe not Henry and Dennis.

At least Aykroyd had the better sense to never direct again (not that any studio would ever let him) and stayed in front of the camera and behind the word processor. I'm sure he has at least one more GhostBusters movie in him - as long as he doesn't direct it.

In the end, this movie didn't make back even 1/4 of its budget and, in spite of those who say that Nothing but Trouble has a cult following, I can only imagine it's one of those cults who live in underground bunkers and have no electricity or DVD players.

If you haven't seen Nothing But Trouble and are wondering if you should, don't. If you think Nothing But Trouble might have some redeeming parts because of the talent involved, it doesn't. If you want to ignore my warning and watch Nothing But Trouble anyway, I wash my hands of you.

May The Bonestripper have mercy on your soul.