Holocaust 2000 (1977)

The end of the world; we all knew it was coming sooner or later.

And it's certainly happened to us more than once.

We've had The Late Great Planet Earth destroyed by storms, volcanoes, evil scientists, irradiated animals, marauding aliens and even (on more than one occasion) gigantic asteroids.

But what about Satan?

Yeah, that's right; The Devil himself has even tried to destroy our beloved planet. With nuclear energy, no less. Boy, those anti-nuclear protesters missed a bet by not propagandizing THAT tactic.

In the end, however, when it came between the life of Mother Earth and Nuclear Satan, who would come to save us?

Spartacus.

In 1976, Richard Donner's film The Omen was such a damned hit (see what I did there?) that many others wanted to hitch a ride on its flaming coat-tails. And who could blame them; The Omen earned $60 million in the U.S. alone (on a $2.8 million budget) and scared the bejeebers out of everybody. Who wouldn't want to have some of that rub off on their project?

Certainly Alberto De Martino wanted it. As director and co-writer (with Sergio Donati and Michael Robson), Alberto was a veteran of such well-regarded projects as Operation Kid Brother (aka: Operation Double 007) and The Pumaman (aka: The Puma Man), he knew that this particular gravy train wouldn't run forever, so might as well hitch a ride while you can. Which he did.

Better not make it the exact same thing, though, he rightly figured. And so Holocaust 2000 has this for a story:

Rich and powerful industrialist Robert Caine (Kirk Douglas, He of The Chin) supervises the construction of a nuclear power plant near a sacred cave in the Middle East. That'll teach 'em to build a Mosque near Ground Zero, amiright? (I kid! Live and let live! We are the world!)

Once Caine himself blows up the land to start construction, strange things begin to happen – the plant’s computer spouts symbols that a priest (Romolo Valli) interprets as the name of the Anti-Christ. Of course.

Caine's wife is then killed by a terrorist aiming for Caine himself. The murderer's later dying words warn Caine of a horrible prophecy about to be fulfilled. Right.

Caine realizes that the plant has 7 turbines, 10 commutators and 10 control systems which correspond to the 7 heads, 10 horns and 10 crowns of the Beast prophesied by the Book of Revelations. Naturally.

So this could only mean the plant he is building may be capable of triggering a chain reaction of nuclear explosions that would destroy the entire world. There ya go.

Caine also comes to realize that someone close to him may well be the Anti-Christ. Is it his son Angel (Simon Ward)? Is it his new girlfriend Sara (Agostino Belli)? Isn't that always the way?

So with all of that in motion, they certainly make the story busy enough, and there are enough "accidental" deaths of characters to make it seem the right tone for this style of film (Satansploitation, let's call it), what with people getting stabbed by assassins, chop-topped by helicopter blades, sliced in two by sliding glass doors, blown up in planes, even nurses feeding babies with medicine "FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY". It's all horrible and seems to happen for no discernible reason...but hey, we watch enough Satansploitation movies to know who's really behind it, don't we?

These Italian productions definitely have a European sensibility behind them; from the idea of a dream-like flow to the story, the off-balance feel of characters swirling wildly about you, right down to the overall look of the cinematography (by Erico Menczer), which gives one the idea that we're looking at something that could well have been conceived by a Fellini or a Zeffirelli. Or maybe that's a tad of a stretch.

I'm not giving away much when I tell you these types of movies are all absolutely hilarious in their over-the-top presentations, histrionic acting and over-extrapolation of the religious significance in the numbers, dates, personal acts and holier-than-thou predictions and interpretations of what what has come before as compared to what will be.

Certainly Kirk Douglas can do no wrong, acting-wise; jaw clamped tight, eyes steely and determined and still fit and trim enough to do battle with The Forces of Hell, no matter what they throw at him. He certainly comes through as a man forced to question his beliefs, his sanity and who exactly he can believe in the end. Can he even believe in God? Well, he better unless he wants Satan to blow up the world!

I already mentioned Romolo Valli (The Garden of the Finzi-Continis) as a monsignor, and he's not the only other big-name in this endeavor. You expect Holocaust 2000 not to roll out big names when The Omen had no qualms about doing the same? Certainly not; they also have Anthony Quayle (Lawrence of Arabia) as a professor, Adolfo Celi (Thunderball) as a doctor and Alexander Knox (Wilson) as another professor, all of whom figure prominently in the proceedings.

Did Holocaust 2000 make money? Who knows? And who cares; this is not a movie that was simply made for profit (cough cough); there was a message in all of this. Several messages, actually, and they all came through with crystal clarity:

Review your Bible before ordering parts for your nuclear facility.

Make sure all of your family members have pulses and brain waves.

Get right into the helicopter.

Make sure you look at every label before you mix their contents into your baby formula.

And perhaps the most important lesson of all...

Don't build nuclear power plants near Jesus' tomb, stupid.

What I can't for the life of me figure out is how, in the instance of Holocaust 2000, anyone could interpret this as a serious endeavor. I know there's a lot of earnest acting and serious platitudes tossed about, but with all the glass rooms, overly-elaborate sets, blinky lights, intense faces and grimacing bad guys, all tossed in at random with one of the most blindingly insane dream sequences even committed to film, if you take Holocaust 2000 seriously, you missed the point.

Which is...?

Kirk Douglas is awesome.

He can do anything.

Overcome any obstacle.

Even Satan.

So rest assured, citizens of planet Earth; we need not fear any evil because Kirk Douglas will vanquish it.

Besides which, have you heard of anyone else being stupid enough to build a nuclear power plant near Jesus' tomb since Kirk and company proved it shouldn't be done?

Exactly.

Now that Holocaust 2000 is officially out on DVD (albeit under the title Rain of Fire), you should watch it and see for yourself just why it is we owe our lives to Kirk Douglas who, all by himself, beat back the Anti-Christ.

Thank you, Kirk. Amen.