I Blog Before You, A Humbled Man...

Folks, it's been a long long year so far and it isn't over yet.

Don't get me wrong; I've had good things happen to me this year; a new job, I've lost weight, been in a lot of local plays, even won an award for one, both my children are doing great in school, my son's a band manager for the local high school band and my daughter's going to be in her second local play: "A Christmas Carol". And my wife also found a job, is getting more hours every week and we're actually getting caught up on some of our bills.

So, why is it that I feel so down and so bad that I have to post my feelings here instead of on the forums I usually go to or even talk to my friends (yes, I have friends) locally about things?

Well, this year, as you may recall, I turned 43, and a strange thing happened: instead of growing wiser with age, I grew stupider. Scared. Scared to death, in fact. SO much so that I turned into the thing I have dreaded becoming the most...a grumpy old fart.

Yep, that's me.

I even went so far as to blow up at the decent people over at the BMMB movie board (badmoviezone.com) for not recognizing my biorthday and posting athread about it like they have every year beforehand. How shallow and self-importantly indignant is that? Oh, I posted on the board about it, called them every name in the book and a few new ones, too.

All because my little bitty feelings were hurt. What a jerk I am. A selfish, stupid jerk.

And these were the people who were there for me in my darkest hours; who helped support my family and gave me hope in my darkest hour. I could not have survived the previous year if it weren;t fo rthem. And I blow up at them for forgetting my birthday? I do not deserve to have friends as selfless, as decent and giving as the ones I have (or had, guess) at the BMMB.

I apologized profusely the next day, of course, and they generously erased my horrible, childish rant, but I have yet to return to the forum because of how I acted, and how ashamed I am for what I've done. I doubt they'd want to have anything to do with me anymore anyway, as a result. I have truly never been more ashamed, more horrified by my own actions nor more afraid of what I was and what I did at that point.

One day, sometime in the distant future, I may go back, log in and see if they may accept me back into the fold. I won't hold my breath, of course, because I know for a fact that people do not easily take back those who speak so cruelly, so thoughtlessly and so heartlessly to them.

But if any particular members of the Bad Movie Message Board happen to be reading this blog, who have read my post and been hurt buy what I said, all I can say is that yes, at the time I felt that I meant every word I said, because I was blinded by a momentary anger for an imagined slight; a slight that never was. I should never have let it get to the point that it did and should never have written what I had.

I love you, members of the BMMB; and I miss you. Maybe someday we can be friends again. I'll hope for that day before I get more old and regretful.

Good night.

Dope out.

-TGWD