A Rant About Broken DVD Cases - IN THE STORES!

Okay, this is my first rant in a good long while, and I know I should probably do a lot more of these, seeing as how that is some of what I promise as part and parcel of the blog-er-oo here, but as of right now I haven't come across anything that is particularly rant-worthy.  Up until now, of course.

In this particular instance, however, I think I'm in the right, and I don't mind making my point in whatever way it takes for me to do so.  So as concerns this particular rant I am about to go off on, I beg you to forgive me if I start to ramble...

...like that's ever stopped me before...

Anyhoo, so there I am this weekend, doing my typical out-and-about shopping in an unnamed major supermarket chain, and as I do so, I stop by this cardboard bin/display of $4.99 DVDs and see a few copies of a particular movie I had been wanting to get for myself:

Yes, I know there are a few out there who gave this one less-than-glowing reviews, and even more that are waiting for him to release the full version of his Grindhouse movie trailer Don't (me being one of them), but this IS an Edgar Wright movie, therefore the merits must be there for that fact and that fact alone.

True, I've never read the manga this was based on so I would be coming into this cold.  However, for this kind of a kinetic trip, I don't think a whole lot of back-story is necessary.  Just push "PLAY" and soak it all in.

Here's the thing, however; I pick up the movie to read the back cover and see what extras, documentaries, this and that are contained therein, and I hear that thing that any DVD purchaser/collector dreads to hear when they pick up a DVD case:

THE DVD SCRAPING AND RATTLING AROUND IN THE PACKAGING.

Discouraging, of course, especially seeing as how the DVD was still in its original factory seal and all.  How could something get this damaged just as it was being displayed???

Oh well, I shrugged it off and found another copy right next to it, picked it up...

AND IT RATTLED TOO, WORSE THAN THE LAST ONE.

These are the kinds of odds one would hope for in Vegas, but not when you're trying to get a good copy of a DVD...jeez, the flicks I pick up at my local flea market are in better shape than this!

Taking a deep breath, I looked around and, fortunately, found another display that had five more copies of the same movie for the same price.  GREAT, thought I, as I trotted over (well, maybe not trotted) and checked them out.

ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE WERE ALSO LOOSE AND RATTLING IN THEIR CASES AS WELL.

What in the hell is this, does some poor frustrated stock boy/fanboy hate Edgar Wright or this adaptation of their favorite manga enough to destroy every one of these flicks as they came off the truck??  How else to explain that it was only the copies of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World which had this damage and none of the others?  What, is there some bias for films like The Notebook and Hope Floats and The Wiggles' Greatest Hits and whatever others were surrounding this movie to not damage them?  Is this a conspiracy?  WHAT??!?!

Needless to say, I was thoroughly disenchanted with the whole experience and stormed out of the store without my Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.  One of these days I'll get my copy, I know, but it still gets me as to how this could happen - I knew if I went to management and complained about the shape of these sealed DVDS rattling when you picked them up, they'd shake their heads and blame the factory (you know they never take responsibility for this kind of thing) and say words to the effect of , "Oh, that doesn't hurt the playability of the discs; they're fine...".

Excuse me for a second while I say #^*?+&!@&^$#!!!

I hate this store, I hate the fact that they don't check their DVD merchandise, I hate the fact that I don't have a copy of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, I hate that I'm sitting here ranting about it right now and I hate the fact, most of all, that I'm going to have to pass by this store on my way to work every day for the rest of my life, wailing and gnashing my teeth because of all this!

A pox on you!  A plague on your houses!  Death to the holder of the hammer which damaged these DVDs I wanted!  GLARRRRGHH!!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to write a letter to Edgar Wright, letting him know how shoddily his product is treated in my neck of the woods, and hopefully he'll send Simon Pegg and Nick Frost my ways so as to kick some butt.

Get 'em, guys!

Dope out.

- TGWD

Moving on....

Okay, I feel much better now.

Long over the fact that I'm STILL not a LAMMY nominee, I have taken a figurative deep breath and eased on down the road, ready to take the yoke of my blog back upon myself and act as if it all never happened.

Remember the good old days, when nothing was going right, I would post a disco video - not only because I hated disco music, but also because if I couldn't be happy, why should anyone else enjoy the day?

Ahhh, memories.

I like to think nowadays, so many more reviews and posts down the road, that I have mautred as a writer and a person, so as not to let the little things bother me.  That way, I can focus on the important things such as content and consistency in...

Oh, who the hell am I kidding??!!

GAAH!!  WAAAHH!!  BLAAAGHAGHAGAAAAA!!!!



Okay...NOW I feel much better now.

I'm gonna go lie down.

Dope out.

- TGWD

That's It! I've Had It! Time To OPERATE!

Kids, you're looking at one seriously ticked-off Dope.

I post, I put up interesting content, I go out of my way to make this site pleasing to the eye, mind, ear, nose and throat and I STILL HAVE only 70 followers???!

(actually I have 71, but I'll get to that)

As soon as I woke up this morning, I went in here and started getting rid of all of the blogs THAT DO NOT FOLLOW ME. I have had it following people that don't even take the time and effort it would take to push that little "FOLLOW" button over there and keep up with what it is I have to say. I'm an interesting guy, I have interesting things to say, I watch interesting movies and I even draw things interestingly. Seriously!

Like I said, I have 70 (seventy) followers listed on the blog, which would actually number to 71 (seventy-ONE), save for the fact that one follower insists on employing for his avatar the sight of two men engaging in an act that...well...let's just say it wouldn't be appropriate for this blog even it was a man and woman doing it. Guy; you know who you are - if you want to be shown as a follower, PLEASE do me a favor and change the avatar to something that can be shown on a semi-family-friendly blog like this, okay? Do that for me?

I listed this under "Rant", naturally, because that is what I list things under that I do at the spur of the moment without giving it a second thought. This is a special blog to me and I even go out of my way to follow you if you have a good blog. That makes sense to me, doesn't it to you???

Of course I'm going to be keeping the blogs on here that kindly reciprocate and do me the respect of following me because I follow them. Besides, they're good people. Anyway, those of you who just like collecting followers without even keeping tabs on those who follow you o begin with - what goes around comes around.

Now, I have a lot of un-following to do now, so if you'll excuse me...

Dope out.

- TGWD

What Really Scares Me (An Essay)

Okay, since Halloween is a scant couple of days away, and I've really done nothing that could be construed as a truly "Halloween-based" post, or even anything with a scary basis, I felt that I owed it to you, my faithful few, to give a little essay on what little stupid, nonsensical things really and truly scare me, TheGreatWhiteDope.

I guess this qualifies as an essay, even if it's just another one of my stupid little lists but, let's face it: this is a list that will probably come back to haunt me - even if I did bring it upon myself. After all, content is content.

Now, let's begin.

Hi. My name is TheGreatWhiteDope. I watch bad movies. Some of them are scary. They don't faze me all that much, though. Why? Because they're just little forms of entertainment that pass the time in an otherwise uneventful life. Everyone needs a good jolt just t prove they're alive, right? Just ask Frankenstein's Monster.

There are other kinds of scares, though. Ones that make you wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night. Ones that make your skin crawl. Ones that make the hair on various parts of your body twinge and shudder. Ones that just outright give you the creeps. I have them, just like anyone else does. And so I give you, dear reader:

What Really Scares Me.

THE KIDS FROM THE BROOD

David Cronenberg made some really creepy movies back in the day.

Anyone who ever saw Scanners, Videodrome or Dead Ringers knows this is a fact.

But when he gave us poor witless jerks The Brood back in 1979, it featured some creepy little kids in colorful jumpers and dead eyes that kill people.

Just look at these little monsters.

Imagine these things toddling slowly towards you or grabbing at you through a splintered hole in a door.

Creeps. Me. Out.

And if you have a soul of any kind...

Then this ad will creep you out, too.

THE TELEVISION AD FOR IT'S ALIVE

I know; it was really just more or less a spoof of monster movies, only this time with an overly-exaggerated killer baby this time out.

It's really just a riot, honestly.

HOWEVER, the ad campaign for this thing absolutely freaked me out when it came on TV back in 1974 when I was young, impressionable, and a wuss.

Yes, I realize that it's innocuous enough but...but...

I mean, look at this thing!!! This is the ad they played on prime time television; a time when they knew families would be gathered around their televisions watching the latest episodes of "Happy Days" and "Laverne and Shirley" and "Bridget Loves Bernie" and stuff!

Who in the hell was thinking of the children, I ask you!

Look at this freaking ad and tell me what you'd think if you were a very small, still-impressionable child and was expecting NOT to be scared out of 12 years of your life!

LOOK! AT! IT!!!

Yeah, right; tell me that wouldn't have given you nightmares when you were nine years old. No wonder I'm so paranoid of bassinets.

THE SCREEN GEMS END CREDIT

Any long-time addicts of the blog already have read about this one. I've had a hate/hate relationship with certain TV end credits, but none moreso than the 'S' From Hell.

This literally made me run out of the room at top speed after any given episode of "I Dream of Jeannie", which was stupid; any reason to watch Barbara Eden in her skimpy little costume, y'know?

But then this horrid orange "S" slithered at me through a sea of vile yellow, its shrill tinny horns blaring at me.

This is playing on an endless loop on every TV in Hell.

Then there are two last things I will talk about at length that absolutely are the most horrifying things I have ever seen in my life and will haunt me till my dying day, I just know it.

BUT...this is meant as a strengthening exercise, so I will talk about them regardless.

And they are both tied for #1 in the "What Really Scares Me" sweepstakes.

And they are...

ALFRED E. NEWMAN and FATS FROM MAGIC (1978)

...and no, I refuse to post any pictures of them. They freak me out to this day that much. Plus, I want to be able to sleep tonight. Google them yourself and may God have mercy on your tortured soul soon afterwards. I will explain my fear of them, at any rate.

Alfred E. Newman you'll recognize as the namesake of the representative of Mad Magazine, naturally. But ever since I saw him on the covers of those same-said magazines, I was seriously freaked out at his dead eyes, constant missing-tooth smile and other-worldly shock of red hair. Those eyes, they always followed me, no matter how far I walked away from that damned magazine.

There he was...leering at me like a demented leprechaun, he haunted my dreams growing up until I would literally shake with fright whenever I walked by the magazine rack at Foodland. I refuse to even look at any issue of Mad Magazine to this day because I can't stand Alfred E. Newman's face. It's just really freaky, real or not.

I haven't even watched all of Up the Academy because I accidentally caught a glimpse of it on TV one night and saw...HIM. In human form. That same look on his face...his eyes stabbing through me.

I know I'm an idiot, but...jeez.

And as far as Fats goes...I'm well-aware that Magic is more of a psychological thriller than a "killer-puppet -on-the-loose" movie. Not that you or anyone else would have been able to tell from the basis of the TV ad that premiered on prime time TV back in 1978. It freaked everyone, myself included, out of their wits so badly that angry calls and parents with freaked-out little kids who probably shouldn't have been up watching TV during prime time forced the producers to pull it almost immediately.

Not that it did any good to promote the movie, since it did so badly. Anthony Hopkins would have to wait a few years to be cast as a cannibalistic genius before he could fittingly scare people out of their wits without angry phone calls to the network playing into the equation.

After all, this Fats dummy, though a dummy he was, was the only character in this ad. But for 30 seconds the camera just trained on him as he did his little rhyming, creepy little ditty...closing in slowly as he spoke, wide eyes staring dead into your slowly cringing soul...until, near the end, his eyes fluttered and he finished. The title of the movie was superimposed over his face as the ad finished, trained tight on his horrific, wooden, dead eyes.

HOLY %$!#!!! The hair on the back of my neck stood on end just remembering it!!

Myself, I refused to go to sleep all night after seeing that, would not watch TV at all for a couple of weeks and I'm pretty sure that it kept me from watching a re-release of Star Wars at my local theater out of the fear that I would see that same damned ad for Magic before the movie.

Still, for kids of the late 1970s, Fats will be a part of their scarred, catatonic psyche.

And when you look them up, you may even notice a resemblance between Alfred and Fats. I'd post a picture of the two for comparison, but I don't want to end up in a strait jacket out of fear for my own life.

And so there you have it: What Really Scares Me.

I hope you're satisfied with me sharing my inner-most fears; now I'm going to be dreaming about Alfred E. Newman popping out of a baby bassinet holding a ventriloquist doll: a Screen Gems production.

Pleasant dreams.

Dope out.

- TGWD

A Quasi-Intellectual Rant on Obscure Movies...

For my last posting this month, I noticed that it's been a long while since I ranted about anything and, since I need to fill my quota, here we go:

Scanning through the inner-nets as I am wont to do, I stumbled across a forum wherein they posed the question, "What is the most obscure film you have ever watched?" A valid question of anyone who insists they love movies; you can't ignore their existence and, for some of us, that's what our main diet is made up of.

Anyway, the various posted responses went on for 8 pages or so and consisted of titles such as Killer Klownz from Outer Space, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Clerks, Freddy Got Fingered and The Dark Knight (!!!). After a while, the starter of the thread piped in, asking if anyone who had answered knew what "obscure" meant.

I guess what I'm getting at is this: DOES anyone know what "obscure" means?

When Joe and Jane Average watch a movie, 9 times out of 10 it's whatever is playing at the local multiplex or whatever they get out of their NetFlix kiosk. So many times, as a result, they follow whatever the rest of the world is watching at the moment. Whether it's your Inception or your Devil or your latest film written by Diablo Cody, if it's something that is the flavor of the month that cannot be easily pigeonholed into a category - bingo - it's obscure.

Obscurity isn't something that can be manufactured and loved by the general public. We're talking about something that very very few people have ever heard of, ever seen, maybe even never knew existed. Fair enough.

But then something happened.

Someone went and mentioned the movie Clerks. And then, adding insult to injury, they said words to the effect that, since it is a cult film, that in itself automatically made it obscure.

...Sorry, it's hard to write this with my face resting in my open palms, but...cult films are cult films. Obscure films are obscure films. And Clerks (and The Dark Knight, for that matter) is neither.

Whoever these - I'll take something for granted right now - PEOPLE are, they have no idea what an obscure movie is. I hope to God they're reading this, because I am about to tell them all what an obscure film is.

An obscure film is a film which has had little to no exposure since its initial release, is about subject matter that has almost never been popularized in filmic terms and - this is the biggie - is hard to get a copy of. Do we agree that Kung Pow and Freddy Got Fingered litter the very streets of our cities for the millions of copies they have pressed and they're literally shoving into our shopping bags at Wal-Mart to get rid of? I thought we could agree on that.

Not even cult films are safe enough to classify as "obscure", since it is so easy now to get your own copy of Plan 9 from Outer Space (I have 2 copies), Highlander II: The Quickening (3 copies) or even one of the old Airport movies (got the whole collection a year or so ago for $4). Obscure films are MUCH harder to come by.

Now for me, an obscure movie is something like Turkish Star Wars, Alakazam the Great (not Shaquille O'Neal's Kazaam, fercryinoutloud), Ganjasaurus Rex or any Italian version of a American movie. THOSE are films that are not readily accessible from Blockbuster Online or the Redbox just outside Piggly Wiggly downtown.

Obscure is not, IS NOT, something that lots of people have heard of. Do you understand that, humanity? Do you???

I can't believe I have to explain this, and I shouldn't have to. I know I'm preaching to the choir, what with all of my faithful readers here, but I'm sure many of you (if not all) have fallen prey to the mentality that just because some movie has even a slight bit of originality or the smallest bit of buzz from the latest YouTube blitz of breathless studio plants extolling the virtues of the latest Seth Rogan flick, that in and of itself makes for indie elitism and - naturally - obscure film-making.

No. NONONONONONONONO NO!

(deep breath)

Look at my list of films I review over there on the right side of the blog: 65% of these ARE obscure films. Understand?

The ones in that list that your folks have most likely heard of, those ones are NOT obscure. Understand?

Quick; look at the picture of the little green character I have at the top of this post. Do you recognize him/her/it? Do you know what film it comes from? Maybe or maybe not, but the fact remains that it is from a small film that came out in 1984 that, itself, was a sequel to another small film from 1979 which was far more popular. And yet most of humanity has never heard of the 1984 movie. You know why that is? Because it's obscure. Understand?

I think I've made my point and, now that I feel more relaxed and my head doesn't hurt anymore, I think this post has served it's purpose.

Now go and think about what an obscure film is to you and, while you're at it, make your own little post about it on your own blog. It's fun.

...I swear, though; if you make your post about The Dark Knight, I will hunt you down and bludgeon you with several copies of "Roger Ebert's Movie Home Companion"s. And I've got lots of 'em.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Is There Something I'm Not Getting About Will Ferrell?

Okay, THIS guy.

Apparently, he's supposed to be the funniest thing on the planet since Charlie Chaplin trod the Earth amongst us mere mortals. An alumnus of "Saturday Night Live", star of many big comedy movies and, for a while, a pretty dependable box-office draw.

People seem to like Will, if not love him.

So, what is it about hm that seems to grate on me like five-penny nails on a chalkboard?

I had to think about this for awhile and, though I think there are answers that have yet to be discovered, I have presented here a few answers to why I believe Will Ferrell is unwarranted as a comedic icon.

1) THE MAN-CHILD CARD IS WEARING THIN - Yeah, I know; it's sooo cute and everyone thinks that he's at his best when playing an infant in a giant goof's body. But I've witnessed the same thing in movies like Elf, Old School, Kicking and Screaming, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, A Night at the Roxbury, Blades of Glory and Step Brothers: Will Ferrell playing it immature. Ha-ha. I'd call it typecasting only I don't think he's really stretching it that much; just changing the names and looks of who he plays in each movie. The song, as Robert Plant says, remains the same. And by the time Land of the Lost came out, I think it was a given that it would be a disaster...even if it didn't cost a bazillion dollars in special effects. Everyone's starting to see through the act, methinks.

2) STOP SCREAMING! - What is it with yelling the punchlines at the top of your lungs? Making it louder doesn't make it any funnier, only more annoying. I couldn't stand Will's shrill screams that came in practically every single part he's had in every movie he's been in, and I knew they were coming. The writers seem to put them in when he joins the cast, like it's an automatic thing. Even if it doesn't bother some people, it sure bothers me. Comedy isn't about who can be the loudest - but who can be the funniest. Maybe someone needs a remedial course on that.

3) THAT DISTANT HAZE IN HIS EYES CONCERNS ME - He always seems otherwise occupied when he's on screen. That stare that goes off into space, kinda glossy and just out there over the horizon. Couple that with a low brow and you have a curly-headed co-star for those Geico cavemen. What's worse is that it seems to be - follow me on this - part of his "charm". This is that whole Will Ferrell thing is; a combination of off-putting physical abnormalities that force the viewer to concentrate on him. You know: like Pauly Shore's stoned eyes, Chuck Conners' oddly-square head, that woman in California who's had plastic surgery so her face looks like a cat. This is all in the same boat as Will's confused little stare. Brrr....

4) DOES HOLLYWOOD LIKE HIM OR TOLERATE HIM? - That's another thing that's been bothering me. Ever since movies tanked like Semi Pro and Land of the Lost, Tinseltown seems to have fallen out of love with the Big Blank One. No longer pulling in the numbers he did with movies like Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy and Elf, Will is kind of wavering as far as Hollywood's radar goes. Is it me or has he been in a lot more small projects and web things anymore? And not much else in the last year or so? I'm aware that he has some bigger projects coming up right now, but is this a matter of self-imposed exile or exile because no one else wants him? And even those little web things aren't as funny as you might think.

But the biggest thing about Will is this:

5) HE'S JUST TOO DARNED UNSYMPATHETIC - Have you seen this: no matter what kind of a movie it is or what part he plays, Will manages to make it so distant and so whiny and so overly-big-babyish and so intolerable that any trace or hope of a good performance is long gone. It's a shame, since maybe one or two films that he doesn't practice this in seem to work - where he's supposed to be unsympathetic to begin with. Otherwise, who needs a distant elf, a crabby basketball player or a self-absorbed high school professor who finds a lost civilization?

I'm well-aware that this qualifies as a rant, and so there it goes; a tag suggesting same. I fully expect to get messages and mail from the Will Ferrell supporters out there, telling me what an idiot I am for not supporting their boy and how I need to get my funny bone checked. Whatever; I just don't want to follow the sheep to the box office every time Will makes another movie. I guess I just can't let myself be entertained by him.

Oh well; there's always Chris Rock.

Dope out.

- TGWD

What's Wrong with Television Today? Part I...

I see it's been quite awhile since I've written anything about the state of television nowadays, and since I fancy myself an all-purpose reviewer, let's go ahead and turn our attention to the One-Eyed Babysitter.

That didn't sound right. Anyway....

To sum up television nowadays in two words: it sucks.

To sum up television nowadays in three words: it sucks hard.

You can't deny that television has long since passed its Golden Years, whether you fondly remember the first days of Gunsmoke and Bonanza, or I Love Lucy and My Three Sons, or even The Cosby Show and Family Ties. Television just isn't what it used to be.

Why?

Because producers just plain got lazy. Instead of getting writers and stories and characters for shows, we instead have reality shows: just get some regular people in front of the camera, film what happens to them, voila! You got a show!

And every network (even fake networks like Fox) have at least one reality show on their roster. Let's see here, there's been...

The $25 Million Dollar Hoax, 13: Fear is Real, 16 & Pregnant, 18 Kids & Counting, 30 Days, 30 Seconds of Fame, 50 Cent: The Money and the Power, 8th & Ocean, 9 by Design, A Double Shot at Love, A Model Life with Petra Nemcova, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Addicted, Adventures in Hollyhood, Age of Love, The Agency, Airline, Airplane Repo, All American Girl, The Amazing Race, The Amazing Race: All-Stars, America's Best Dance Crew, America's Got Talent, America's Most Smartest Model, America's Next Muppet, America's Next Producer, America's Next Top Model, America's Toughest Jobs, American Chopper, American Gladiators, American Hot Rod, American Idol, American Inventor, American Loggers, American Pickers, American Dream Derby, American Juniors, Amish In The City, Amne$ia, Anchorwoman, The Anna Nicole Show, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Anything For Love, The Apprentice, The Apprentice: Los Angeles, The Celebrity Apprentice, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?, Are You Hot?, Armed & Famous, Arranged Marriage, The Ashlee Simpson Show, Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust, The Assistant, Average Joe, Average Joe: Hawaii, Average Joe: Adam Returns, Ax Men, The Baby Borrowers, Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor, The Bachelor: Paris, The Bachelor: Rome, The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman, The Bachelor: London Calling, The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, The Bachelorette, The Bad Girls Club, Baldwin Hills, Bank of Hollywood, Battleground Earth, Battle of the Network Reality Stars, Beauty And The Geek, Beg, Borrow & Deal, Being Bobby Brown, The Benefactor, Bethenny's Getting Married?, Better Half, The Beverly Hillbillies, Big Brother, Big Brother : All-Stars, Big Brother (International Editions), The Biggest Loser, The Biggest Loser: Couples, The Biggest Loser: Families, The Biggest Loser: Special Edition, Big Man on Campus, Bindi: The Jungle Girl, Black Gold, The Block, Blonde Charity Mafia, Blow Out, Blush, Boarding House: North Shore, Boot Camp, Born Country, Boy Meets Boy, Brat Camp, Breaking Bonaduce, Bridezillas, Bridget's Sexiest Beaches, Britain's Got Talent, Britney And Kevin: Chaotic, Bromance, The Buried Life, But The Sex Is So Good, Cake Boss, Can You Duet?, Canadian Idol, Carnie Wilson: Unstapled, The Casino, Celebrity Circus,Celebrity Cooking Showdown, Celebrity Duets, Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Mole Hawaii, Celebrity Mole Yucatan, Celebrity Rap Superstar, Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, CHA$E, Change of Heart, Chasing Farrah, Chef Academy, Chopped, The Chopping Block, The City, Clash of the Choirs, The Club, Cold Turkey, College Life, College Hill, The Colony, Combat Missions, The Complex, Confessions of a Matchmaker, Confessions of a Teen Idol, The Contender, Cops, Criss Angel Mindfreak, Croc Hunter Challenge, The Crocodile Hunter, Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants, Cupcake Sisters, Cupid, The Cut, Daisy of Love, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team, Dance Machine, Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann, Dance Your Ass Off, Dance Fever, Dancelife, Dancing with the Stars, Date My Ex: Jo & Slade, Date My House, Dating in the Dark, The Dating Experiment, DEA, Deadliest Catch, Deal Or No Deal, Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love, Denise Richards: It's Complicated, Destination Truth, Destroyed in Seconds, The Detonators, Dice Undisputed, DietTribe, Dinner: Impossible, Dirty Jobs, Dog The Bounty Hunter, Dog Whisperer, Dog Eat Dog, Don't Forget the Lyrics!, Double Exposure, Dr. Steve-O, Dream Job, Dress My Nest, Driving Force, Eco-Challenge: Fiji, Eco-Challenge: New Zealand, Eddie Griffin: Going for Broke, ego trip's The (White) Rapper Show, Engaged and Underage, Estate of Panic, Ex-Wives Club, The Exterminators, Extreme Makeover, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Fake-A-Date, Fame, The Family, Family Foreman, Family Business, Family Plots, Farmer Wants a Wife, The Fashion Show, The Fashionista Diaries, Fast Cars & Superstars, Fat March, Fear Factor, Find My Family, The First 48, Flavor of Love, Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School starring Mo'Nique, Flip This House, Flipping Out, Flowers Uncut with Jeff Leatham, Fly Girls, Food Detectives, For The Love of Ray J, For Better Or For Worse, Forever Eden, For Love Or Money, Frank the Entertainer... in a Basement Affair, From G's to Gents, Funniest Mom in America, Gay, Straight or Taken?, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters Academy, Ghost Hunters International, Ghost Lab, Gimme My Reality Show!, The Girls Next Door, Giuliana & Bill, Giving Hope, Gone Country, Gone Too Far, Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live, Grease: You're the One That I Want, Great American Road Trip, Greatest American Dog, Growing Up Gotti, Hammertime, Hard Knocks, Harlem Heights, Have Fork, Will Travel, Heli-Loggers, Hell Date, Hell's Kitchen, Here Come the Newlyweds, He's A Lady, Hey Paula, HGTV Design Star, High School Musical: Summer Session, High School Reunion, High Society, The Hills, Hit Me Baby One More Time, Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive, Hogan Knows Best, Hole in the Wall, Holly's World, Holmes on Homes, Homeland Security USA, Hooked Up, Hope for Your Home, Hopkins, Househusbands of Hollywood, House Rules, How to Look Good Naked, Howie Do It, Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling, I Can Make You Thin, I Get That A Lot, I Love Money, I Love New York, I Propose, I Survived a Japanese Game Show, I Wanna Be a Soap Star, I Want To Be A Hilton, I Want to Work for Diddy, I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, I'm From Rolling Stone, I've Got Nothing to Wear, Ice Road Truckers, The Imploders, In Harm's Way, In Search of the Partridge Family, Intervention, Into the Unknown with Josh Bernstein, Invasion Iowa, Iron Chef America, The It Factor, Jackass, The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, Jersey Shore, Jesse James Is A Dead Man, Jingles, Joe Millionaire, The Joe Schmo Show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kell on Earth, Kendra, Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design, Kid Nation, Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane, King of Cars, King of the Crown, Kirstie Alley's Big Life, Kitchen Nightmares, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, LA Ink, Lady or a Tramp, Laguna Beach, Last Comic Standing, Last One Standing, The Last Resort, Launch My Line, The Law Firm, Leave it to Lamas, Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods, Let's Dance, Life of Ryan, The Little Couple, Little Miss Perfect, Little People, Big World, The Littlest Groom, Live for the Moment, Living Lohan, Liza & David, The Locator, Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska, Losing It With Jillian, Love Cruise, Love Shack, Luke's Parental Advisory, Mad Mad House, Make Me a Supermodel, Making It Home: Greensburg, Making Menudo, Making News: Texas Style, Making The Band, Mall Cops: Mall of America, Man vs. Wild, Manhunt, Manhunters, Married By America, Master of Dance, Masterchef, Maui Fever, Meerkat Manor, Meet Mister Mom, Meet My Folks, Meet The Barkers, Megan Wants a Millionaire, Miami Social, The Michael Vick Project, Million Dollar Listing, The Millionaire Matchmaker, Minute to Win It, Miracle Workers, Miss America: Reality Check, Model Citizens, Models NYC, Models of the Runway, The Mole, The Moment of Truth, Momma's Boys, Monster Garage, More to Love, Moving Up, Mr. Personality, Mr. Romance, Murder, Murder in Small Town X, Must Love Kids, My Antonio, My Big Redneck Wedding, My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, My Super Sweet 16, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, My Fair Brady, My Life Is A Sitcom, Mythbusters, Nanny 911, NASCAR in Primetime , Nashville, Nashville Star, National Bingo Night, New York Goes to Hollywood, Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County, The Next Best Thing, The Next Food Network Star, The Next Great American Band, The Next Iron Chef, Next Action Star, The Next Great Champ, The Next Joe Millionaire, No Boundaries, No Opportunity Wasted, NYC Prep, Obsessed, Omarosa's Ultimate Merger, The One: Making a Music Star, One Big Happy Family, One Ocean View, The One Who Got Away, On The Lot, Oprah's Big Give, The Osbournes, Our Little Genius, Outback Jack, Outsider's Inn, P. Diddy's Starmaker, Pageant Place, Pam: Girl on the Loose, Pantry Raid, The Paper, Paradise Hotel, Paranormal Cops, Paranormal State, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, Parking Wars, The Partner, Party Monsters: Cabo, The People's Court, Pepsi Play for a Billion, Perfect Match: New York, Performing As..., Phenomenon, The Pick-Up Artist, Pimp My Ride, Pirate Master, Pitchmen, The Player, Playing It Straight, Police Women of Broward County, PoweR Girls, Prankville, The Price of Beauty, The Principal's Office, Private Chefs of Beverly Hills, Project Greenlight, Project Runway, Property Ladder, Punk'd, Push Nevada, Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll, Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, Queer Eye For The Straight Girl, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, R U The Girl With T-Boz & Chilli, Race To The Altar, The Rachel Zoe Project, Raw Nature, Real Chance of Love: Back in the Saddle, The Real Gilligan's Island, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Real Housewives of D.C., The Real Housewives of New Jersey, The Real Housewives of New York City, The Real Housewives of Orange County, The Real Roseanne Show, The Real Wedding Crashers, The Real World: Austin, The Real World: Back to New York, The Real World: Boston, The Real World: Brooklyn, The Real World: Chicago, The Real World: Hollywood, The Real World: Key West, The Real World: Las Vegas, The Real World: Los Angeles, The Real World: New Orleans, The Real World: New York, The Real World: Paris, The Real World: Philadelphia, The Real World: San Diego, The Real World: San Francisco, The Real World: Seattle, The Real World: Sydney, Reality Racing - The Rookie Challenge, The Rebel Billionaire, Recovery, Renovate My Family, The Restaurant, Rich Guy Poor Guy, Rich Girls, Road Rules, Road Rules: South Pacific, Road Rules: X-TREME, The Road To Stardom With Missy Elliott, Rob & Amber: Against the Odds, Rob and Big, Rob And Amber Get Married, Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels, Rock of Love Charm School with Sharon Osbourne, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, Rock the Cradle, Rock Star: INXS, Rock Star: Supernova, Rookies, Ruby, Run's House, Runaway Squad, Running in Heels, Say Yes to the Dress, Scare Tactics, The Scholar, Scott Baio is 45... And Single, Scream Queens, The Search for the Next Elvira, The Search For The Most Talented Kid In America, Second Chance: America's Most Talented Senior, The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom, Secret Millionaire, Secret Talents of the Stars, Secrets of Aspen, Seducing Cindy, Sell This House, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, Sex in the Itty Bitty City, Shaq Vs., Shaq's Big Challenge, Shark Tank, She's Got the Look, Shear Genius, Shipmates, Shooting Sizemore, The Simple Life, The Sing-Off, The Singing Bee, The Singing Office, Skating With Celebrities, Smash Lab, Snoop Dogg's Father Hood, So You Think You Can Dance, Solitary, Sorority Life, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search, The Springer Hustle, The Stagers, The Starlet, Star Search, Starting Over, Step It Up & Dance, Steven Seagal: Lawman, Storm Chasers, Street Customs, Style Her Famous, Stylista, Sunday Best, Sunset Tan, Super Millionaire, Supernanny, The Superstars, Superstars of Dance, Superstar USA, Surf Girls, The Surreal Life, The Surreal Life: Fame Games, Survivor: Borneo, Survivor: The Australian Outback, Survivor: Africa, Survivor: Marquesas, Survivor: Thailand, Survivor: The Amazon, Survivor: Pearl Islands, Survivor: All Stars, Survivor: Vanuatu, Survivor: Palau, Survivor: Guatemala, Survivor: Panama, Survivor: Cook Islands, Survivor: Fiji, Survivor: China, Survivor: Micronesia, Survivor: Gabon, Survivor: Tocantins, Survivor: Samoa, Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains, Survivorman, The Swan, Tabatha's Salon Takeover, Table For 12, Tacky House, Take Home Nanny, Taquita & Kaui, Taxicab Confessions, Teen Mom, Temptation Island, Thank God You're Here, That's Amore, There Goes the Neighborhood, There's Something About Miriam, Thintervention with Jackie Warner, 'Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave, Tim Gunn's Guide to Style, Toddlers and Tiaras, Todd TV, Tommy Lee Goes To College, Tontine, Tool Academy, Top Chef,Top Chef Miami, Top Chef Masters ,Top Chef: Just Desserts, Top Chef: Las Vegas, Top Chef: New York, Top Design, Top Gear, Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, Tori & Dean: Inn Love, Tough as Nails, Tough Love, Tough Enough, Toughest Race on Earth: Iditarod, Trading Spaces, Trading Spouses, Treasure Quest, Treasure Hunters, Trick It Out, Trick My Truck, Trick My Trucker, Trista & Ryan's Wedding, True Beauty, Tuesday Night Book Club, Twentyfourseven, The Two Coreys, Two-A-Days, Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge, UFO Hunters, Ultimate Cake Off, The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search, Ultimate Recipe Showdown, Unan1mous, Undercover Boss, Under One Roof, Varsity Inc., Victoria Beckham: Coming to America, The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, Viva La Bam, Walk the Lion, Wanna Bet, WCG Ultimate Gamer, The Weakest Link, Welcome to the Parker, Welcome To The Neighborhood, Whale Wars, What Not To Wear, When Women Rule the World, While You Were Out, Who Are You Wearing?, Who's Your Daddy?, Who Wants to be a Superhero?, Who Wants To Marry My Dad?, Wickedly Perfect, Wife Mom Bounty Hunter, Wife Swap, The Will, Will Work for Food, Wipeout, Work of Art: The Next Great Artist, Work Out, World Idol, Worst Case Scenario, Worst Cooks in America, Wreckreation Nation, The X Factor, Your Mama Don't Dance

...and I'm sorry if I missed a couple.

No doubt that the celebrities these shows center around are grateful for the exposure, but I sure ain't. Grateful, that is.

The Kardashians, The Osbournes, The Hogans, The Beckhams, The Jacksons, The Coreys, the meerkats...did we really need to find out every single tiny stupid detail of their shallow lives on a weekly basis?

Oh here, I'll answer that...NO.

It is not entertainment to see people (or celebrities, either/or) implode on television: what is the theory here, that watching individuals or entire family units with more dysfunctions than your own family is supposed to boost the viewer's self-esteem? If that were the case, then America would be the most well-adjusted country on Earth - and ironically we'd then have to look elsewhere as a country for our programming.

And since we all know damn well we're not a well-adjusted country, I don't think that scenario's ever going to pan out.

You want to see the best example of what I'm saying? Look at this:

The Marriage Ref.

Really? A show where couples with seriously debilitating problems in their marriage air their dirty laundry on national television in front of a live studio audience, and Jerry Seinfeld, and a bunch of his celebrity pals, all of whom guffaw, bray and crack wise at the expense of said couples and their respective predicaments?

I do believe I have found the reality TV equivalent of My Mother The Car.

This is the kind of show that makes me cringe: what, seriously, was NBC, Seinfeld (who produces this thing) and the programming geniuses behind this sure-to-be debacle thinking? That this was brilliant programming? It isn't. That they would seriously be helping people? They aren't. That they can make people laugh at the suffering of others more than they already do? Like humanity needs more incentive for that....

This was solely and arbitrarily made for a quick advertising buck and NBC hoping and praying that the classic Seinfeld show magic would strike again. Period.

You know what? The only two people who have a career after Seinfeld are Larry David (thanks to Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Julia Louis-Dreyfus (thanks to The New Adventures of Old Christine)...and they had to go to different networks for those careers! What does THAT tell ya??!

Ask yourself, though: do you really want to see a show where people have problems (no matter how silly they may seem) threatening their union and have to put up with this at the same time:

JERRY SEINFELD: So, I mean hey, these guys lasted this long while she flosses her teeth in bed? I mean hey, at least she doesn't use a Water Pic, am I right here?

(Kelly Ripa laughs uncontrollably)

(Alec Baldwin makes a goofy face)

JERRY SEINFELD: I mean, hey!

Spare me; if this lasts longer than a season I'll be very surprised. If it lasts till summer, I'll be even more surprised. And if it isn't replaced in a few months by reruns of ER, I'll be stunned.

This is just the tip of the iceberg here, folks; television needs to have more going for it than what we have. Time was when the introduction of J. Fred Muggs on The Today Show was a cute little gimmick. Nowadays, J. Fred Muggs is a programming demographic.

There'll be more observations on this in the future. For now, let's just hope that Michael Richards doesn't head up a show called The Race Relations Expert.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Do NOT Patronize The Following Spammers...!

Okay, this kind of thing has really got to stop.

Really.

My first review in a while was recently posted, and so what do I get? A message from our old friend Anonymous, pushing for those male-enhancement drugs where those guys all sit in a circle, playing guitars and singing its praises.

You know the one; I won't even give them the benefit of saying their name.

Anyhoo: I naturally did not allow the post to soil my nice clean blog, so no worries there, but this Anonymous made a fatal error in his/her/its (I'm leaning towards "its", myself) posting because, you see, these links for this drug all have to have been posted somewhere for the innocent masses to click if they are indeed fooled to do so. Therefore, rather than click the link(s) and give them the satisfaction, I simply right-clicked a link and chose "Properties". In doing so, I found that all of these links had the same exact originating site:

>>> simplyfired.com <<<

Now, DON'T cut and paste that link I just gave you up there, even if curiosity is gnawing at you. There's a purpose to this: I want you, all 12 of my faithful readers, to do you old Uncle Dope a favor. Go to the following link instead:

http://www.simplyhired.com/a/our-company/contact-us

...and use their little form they have to tell them that there is someone in their "organization" (probably some 350-pound neck-bearded online gamer in his middle-aged parents' basement, but anyway...) that is spamming otherwise respectable blogs, boards and such with male-enhancement drug advertisements - and this is NOT advertising that sells, nor is it a reason for anyone to want to visit their site for anything more serious than spam handouts. And tell them they need to have a word with Tiny McSpamalot and either dock him a month's pay, fire him, publicly flog him or given him paper cuts all over his body then rub lemons all over him - whichever would hurt the most.

These idiots really need to stop this. It isn't funny and it's damn irritating to get these things in your comments box when all you really want is actual commentary from actual humans. Not spam.

I hate spam. Detest it. Loathe it. And I loathe anyone who partakes in it. If you spread spam to people who do not want in in their in-boxes, comment boxes, message boards and legitimate communities, then I loathe you, too. Nothing personal, but there is such a thing as common decency - you may want to read up on it.

There. Now I feel better. Thanks.

I now return you to your regularly-scheduled blog.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Why I'm Saying "No" to Facebook...

For some of you out there, you can't live without turning on your PC and logging on, seeing what is going on in the world (or the cyber-world, at least) and maintaining your many profiles in your many forums you take part in.

I know you're out there - I'm one of you.

But then there is this whole Facebook thing out there that, I guess, everyone and their brother is a part of, maintaining little cliques in and posting little quizzes, polls, games, pictures and so on.

I thought that was a blog, but what do I know?

Anyway, now the little woman (i.e. - the missuz) has her own Facebook thingy and is pestering me to get one as well, so we can both keep in contact with the extended family - who also seem to have Facebook profiles, too.

I, myself, choose not to participate.

Why?

1) I'm involved with too many online things (this blog, several forums) not to mention real life, to have something else on my virtual plate.

2) I was too badly stung with a bad experience on MySpace to try some other stupid thing that'll end up being more trouble than it's worth. Feh.

3) I don't even have a Twitter thingy; I have too much to write about to limit myself to one sentence. Why would I stretch out my writing on some other project that going to be just something else to come up with things to post on? Yarsh; I'm stressing to come up with things to stretch this out to post-worthy length...not that I have trouble with it, mind you.

4) More people to keep track of? Gee, lemme think - do I really need to keep track of a WHOLE NEW LIST of people on another forum or whatever they call these groups on Facebook? I'll say NO.

It's a short list, yes, but that's the main reasons I'm staying away from Facebook. After all, I think I can maintain my 12-membership little blog here and be perfectly happy Here, I am the master of my virtual domain. On Facebook, I'd just feel like one of a million others screaming to be heard.

Here, I'm still screaming, but I can hear myself.

See? You think I'd get away with a whole rant like that on Facebook? I think not.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta think about what my next post is gonna be about...AH! Got it! Haven't started complaining about the futility of Twitter yet, have I? Better start talking notes.

Dope out.

-TGWD

The Anna Nicole Syndrome (or The Double-Standard in Dead Celebrities)

With all the passing of actors and the otherwise famous we've been experiencing so far this year, I think it's high time we delved into a phenomenon that I like to call "The Anna Nicole Syndrome".

What is it?

First of all, this is Anna Nicole Smith:



















She's hot, she's sexy and she's dead.

She was also the object of derision during her life because she was the classic archetype of both the terms "gold-digger" and "celebrity"; the former because she married J. Howard Marshall, an 89 year-old billionaire who left her untold millions after his death (which continues to be disputed by his immediate family to this day) - the latter because other than a few playboy spreads and a few really bad movies (and one good one: The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult), Anna Nicole had really done nothing of note with her life. At all.

Oh; she did drink like a fish, ingested numerous drugs (and equally numerous amounts of food), had plastic surgery out the wazoo - in fact, her wazoo was probably the only part of her body she didn't have work done on, partied harder than Paris Hilton on speed and was the topic of virtually every single tabloid TV show and rag mag ever created.

But then she died...and lo, the clouds opened up, the choirs sang and Anna Nicole Smith ascended into the Christ-Like. Benedictus spiritus sanctus, amen.

...and no, you didn't miss anything - that's basically how quick it happened.

Once Anna Nicole died, the very same press that pounced on every embarrassing, humiliating part of her life fell over its collective self to praise Anna for her battle over adversity, her struggles as a mother and her martyristic death from a drug overdose.

If they had just nailed her to a cross and then buried her in a tomb, we could have started a whole new religion.

Forgive me if I sound crass, but Anna Nicole Smith was nothing more nor less than a lower-level celebrity who parlayed her face and body into a career of money, drugs, booze and parties, latching onto a sugar daddy here and there for support, and now she's supposed to be some kind of a secular saint because of her sole virtue of being DEAD??

At any rate, that is "The Anna Nicole Syndrome": the act of canonizing in death someone who did little-to-no intrinsic good in life. And yes, there have been other examples of that - in Hollywood, especially:

Errol Flynn - Actor, womanizer, hard-drinking supporter of Fidel Castro during the Bay of Pigs, died of a heart attack while making love to his teenaged girlfriend (though an eroded liver may have played a part, also).

Bob Crane - Actor, sex addict and amateur pornographer, found beaten to death in his own apartment.

Kurt Cobain - Singer, grunge proponent and insufferable downer, killed self due to a combination of drug abuse and searing stomach pains.

Nancy Spungen - Obnoxious, manipulative hanger-on to the Sex Pistols' Sid Vicious; she was found stabbed to death with Sid a likely suspect.

Marvin Gaye - Singer and abusive sex addict, murdered by his own father during an argument over money.

And yet even they have their defenders.

What is going on? Why is there this glowing impenetrable shield around dead celebrities that make them - for lack of a better word - untouchable?

One thing that contributes to this is the connotation of the dead celebrities that came before. You know, like Marilyn Monroe, Jim Morrison, John Wayne, Bob Marley - Everyone liked them. They were celebrities in their own chosen professions. And they're dead!

Then again we're comparing apples and oranges, whereas those who came before are icons above reproach because they accomplished great things in their lives: Marilyn Monroe was the epitome of blonde bombshells and starred in classic films like The Seven Year Itch and Some Like It Hot; John Wayne was The King of the Cowboys, the eternal tough guy who, in the hundreds of films he starred in, only died onscreen in about ten or so.; and Morrison and Marley were masters of their musical crafts, embodied the sound of the 1960s and created followings that exist to this day.

And hey; back then, the spin doctors for celebrities worked a lot harder than they do now.

So, what is it again that Anna Nicole Smith accomplished in her life?

...you see what I'm getting at?

Superficially, Anna Nicole could be compared to Marilyn Monroe - anyone can be compared to a peer on a surface level - but their legacies are far different. Once you dig down and uncover what they've both done in their lives, you'd never find two more different personalities. Two different points on a graph.

Which leads me back to what I was getting at in the beginning:

It is wholly unfair to Marilyn Monroe to lump her into the same group as Anna Nicole, just like it's unfair to Jim Morrison to pair him up with Kurt Cobain. Anna Nicole and Kurt had not earned that right to join their betters because neither had lived long enough to accomplish the same level of success in life as those prior.

So, how does "The Anna Nicole Syndrome" affect our recent crop of the famous deceased? Michael Jackson, for example? No question he was the King of Pop and created music that will live forever. Michael, however, had his vices and much was made of them. Which side of the fence does he end up on, then? I don't know, and perhaps it's too soon to tell right now. It may be that his good will outweigh his bad. We'll see.

In the case of Anna Nicole Smith, however, the case has been made and the judgment has been passed.

So if you're reading this and just happen to be famous, maybe you should consider changing any of your bad ways.

Or maybe your publicists. Either/or.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Anyone Remember When Tom Cruise Was Normal?

I remember first hearing about our subject for today back in the mythical year of 1983 - probably around the same time everyone else heard about him.

Starring in movies like Risky Business, All the Right Moves and The Outsiders probably didn't hurt his exposure to the general public, either; they were good (maybe even great) films and showcased Tom at his best.

From there, things went about as expected for a mega-star on the rise: big hits (Top Gun, Days of Thunder), big misses (Legend, Far and Away), prestige pictures to keep him in the eye of the Academy voters (The Color of Money, Jerry Maguire) and lots of bankability: in fact, for awhile Tom Cruise was the "go-to" guy to insure your movie would make at least $100 million (don't ask Ridley Scott to back those figures up, though - that didn't work out so well), and to debut at #1 its first week of release - you know, like Steven Seagal movies used to do...but that's another story.

And of course, Cruise was always charming and self-effacing on talk shows and in interviews: that ever-present smile, his easy-going manner. There were even a few times he helped out some of his fans (remember when he saved one who was drowning, or another who was being crushed against a barricade during a movie premiere?), and was the nicest and most congenial guy on the whole planet.

What, then, turned him into the biggest joke on the same planet, in the matter of a few years' time?

Now, I am never one to equate people to their religions, or vice-versa, but the biggest damage to Tom Cruise seemed to come out around the same time it was made full public knowledge that he was, along with John Travolta, a card-carrying Scientologist.

Surprised? Then you've never watched "South Park".

It was soon after the fateful "South Park" episode 'Trapped in the Closet' that it seemed Cruise went on the defensive: everywhere he went and every time he spoke it was in response to his beliefs, his thoughts and his personal choices. Like it or not, he was now THE poster child for Scientology.

This led to some very awkward moments both in Tom's public and personal life; several well-publicized lawsuits against those who would slander his good name (lawsuits brought to England, since England lacks a formal equivalent of the First Amendment), a legendary tirade against "Today" show host Matt Lauer who brought up the subject of psychiatry in Tom's presence (Scientologists don't believe in psychiatry, you see) and, even more legendarily, Tom's couch-jumping episode on "Oprah", where in he tried to show he was still capable of being a nice guy (in love, no less) but instead came across as someone having a sugar fit. Of course, the world's press, paparazzi and comedians leapt on that bandwagon like starving puppies chasing after the proverbial miniature chuck wagon.

And at this point, his movies don't even do the box office they once did. When Tom Cruise stars in a movie directed by Robert Redford and it goes straight to video, something's wrong.

What are we, the public at large, supposed to make of what amounts to a seeming meltdown unrivaled by Three Mile Island, whose devastation promises to stretch far and wide, laying to waste a once-respected actor and everything (including the good will) he had built up for years?

To Joe Blow sitting at home watching "Entertainment Tonight" or "Inside Edition", Tom will be written off as another Hollywood Nut Job who let his success and his ego get the better of him. Another Victor Mature or other such Adonis of a bygone age who faded into outright obscurity before the world's eyes.

But is this fair? After all, 98% of all actors in Hollywood suffer from a raging case of insecurity which leads to (A) their becoming actors, (B) surrounding themselves with such intense hype and hyperbole that they have built a cocoon against the cruel outside world, (C) their joining of groups - let's just call them that - that portend to support them and build up their confidence...usually at a price, and (D) an absolute detachment from anything that would make them think or feel they were any less than perfect. With all of this happening, it's no surprise this kind of thing takes place on a regular basis.

I'm the absolute last person in the world to to chastise anyone for their insecurities, but is celebrity any better a crutch for the human soul than drugs, alcohol or any other addiction? And celebrity is an addiction: the constant need for exposure, the want for approval, the applause of a grateful audience, wanting to have your face on every poster, magazine, newspaper and web page in existence...to quote a James Bond pic, the world is not enough. The celebrity must have more. It's an obsession.

Tom Cruise is no different than any other actor in the world who wants to be respected for what he does. But he's in grave danger of slipping from "actor" to "celebrity", and becoming more famous for who he is than what he does - what good that he does, I should say. The bad seems to outweigh the good in the court of public opinion nowadays for Mr. Cruise.

So what are we to make of Tom Cruise? Is he a good guy caught in a bad circumstance? Is he a jerk just now being unmasked for what he is? Is he a brainwashed drone for a group trying to gain broader appeal? Or is all the gilding finally wearing off this lily?

Look at any picture of Cruise nowadays and he just looks tired. Tired of what he's doing, tired of everything going on around him, tired of all the hype.

Maybe he's just waiting to fade into a long stretch of obscurity.

Maybe he finally realizes that he can do wrong.

Or maybe Tom Cruise is just as tired of Tom Cruise as everybody else.

Time will tell. But I still wouldn't expect any heartfelt apologies to Matt Lauer just yet. Give him another 10 years, maybe.

Dope out.

-TGWD

I Went Out Sham-Wow Shopping Today....

Okay, this post has nothing to do with movies or entertainment, but I had to share it with you.

Well...that last sentence may not be entirely true, but it's true enough for what follows. Just go with me on this and let's continue.

Anyway, went to the local community flea market today and some guy had a booth set up selling what looked to the casual passer-by to be Sham-Wows. You know, those miracle cloth/sponge/shamois kinda things that guy with the big teeth and Jersey accent advertises on TV all hours of the day. Those things, yeah. Anyway, the ones I found were selling for $3.

Yep, three bucks.

The guy selling them was all too proud to point out that these particular Sham-Wows were actually from GERMANY, and they worked every bit as good as the ones I saw advertised. Yeah, they weren't the same but, darn it - they were German, so they had better engineering behind them.

So there.

Needless to say, I passed on the purchase.

This isn't the whole story, though. There was always something nagging me about this guy on TV that advertised the actual Sham-Wows (the ones not from Germany). His face was kinda familiar, as was that voice (not the same kind of irritating Billy Mays thing, but annoying all the same). I eventually checked on him and found his name:

Vince Offer.

That name was vaguely familiar, so I researched some more and found - to my own real horror - that this is the same Vince Offer that unleashed one of the truest horrors onto the unsuspecting public-at-large.

The Underground Comedy Movie (1999)

I knew it; Vince Offer IS The Devil. Satan. Evil incarnate, and he appears in the guise of an infomercial to deceive.

And since the link to the review I myself did of this travesty on the B-Movie Message Board is long gone, my next post will display my full-length review of what amounts, no more or less, than a paean to perverse idiocy and disgusting "komedy" ideas that produce not one laugh.

I still want to get a Sham-Wow, mind you, but as for the rest of his output, Vince can keep TUCM to himself.

Shame on you, Satan.

Till next post, Dope out.

-TGWD

Oscar Time Again! Who Wins? Who Cares?

Seems that every year about this time, the world holds its breath and waits until that magic moment when the influential and mighty of the motion picture industry gather to hear the names of the few who are indeed eligible to win that most coveted of awards....

Oh, who am I kidding? I gave up on the Oscars long before Rob Lowe and Snow White sang their duet.

To hell with "awards from their peers", it's all about money and who has the most to spread around to win one. Besides which, I'll never forgive them for not having Billy Crystal come back to host on a regular basis.

So? I'm being cynical. Shut up.

Sure, there's some interesting nominees this year, but who really cares about who's going to win? Not me, not anymore. It's not as if it will matter one way or another in some actors' careers; some just get lucky, some of their agents have more money than others, whatever.

Anyway, there's only one thing I'm interested in this year:

Who WON'T win.

Let's start with the top Oscars and move down...

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BEST PICTURE

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Frost/Nixon

Milk

Slumdog Millionaire

The Reader - I mean, come on; everyone raise their hands who actually caught this movie. Everyone else and their mother saw the others and whispered at work or their bridge club, "ooh, this was such a good movie", or "ooh, he or she was so good in this" or some such nonsense. But The Reader? I don't even remember seeing any ads for this thing. I don't know what it was even about (and don't write in telling me it was about someone reading something, you goobs), and I don't feel like looking it up. Besides which, all of the "watch-this-because-it's-an-important-film-buzz" was already centered around Slumdog Millionare, so spare me. Give it another week and it'll be on DVD if it isn't already, on the shelf next to Howard's End or some Merchant/Ivory thing.

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BEST ACTOR

Richard Jenkins (The Visitor)

Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)

Sean Penn (Milk)

Brad Pitt (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)

Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) - I could have went easy and gone with Richard Jenkins, another actor no one's ever heard of, got one nomination for his "breakthrough" role and was never heard from again, kinda like Frankie Faine's character in that movie The Oscar. But Mickey Rourke? This poor guy never caught a break in Hollywood. For al the fantastic roles he's gotten and great movies he's been in, he has never been recognized for all his hard work...or maybe never paid enough money to be recognized, or whatever. Myself, I'll always love his parts in films like The Pope of Greenwich Village, Angel Heart, Barfly and he was the only object of redeemable value in Michael Cimiono's 1985 fiasco Year of the Dragon. And yes, his was a yeoman effort in The Wrestler, garnering kudos after kudos, but will he get his day in the sun? No. I have a feeling this Benjamin Button garbage is going to run roughshod over this night of self-back-patting with its overload of sentiment and Forrest Gump channeling. And who will get the short end of the stick? That's right: poor old Mickey Rourke. Poor guy. Hasn't he already paid his dues for Wild Orchid?

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BEST ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway (Rachel Getting Married)

Angelina Jolie (Changeling)

Meryl Streep (Doubt)

Kate Winslet (The Reader)

Melissa Leo (Frozen River) - Who? Yeah, me neither. Look at the other names: you think little Melissa stands a chance in a pool full of sharks like Streep and Winslet and Hathaway and Jolie (oh, don't get me started on Jolie - we'll be here all night)? At least Anne Hathaway has a foot in the door with The Devil Wears Prada, along with the fact that everyone loves her since her old boyfriend what's-his-name did all that stupid money-laundering or whatever the hell it was that got him in jail. Anne's the poster child for Poor Little Rich Girls everywhere. Melissa, get a few more movies under your belt and then try again. Just not this year.

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BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)

Josh Brolin (Milk)












Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder)












Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)












Michael Shannon (Revolutionary Road)









- I don't care who your are - you could be the reanimated corpse of Richard Burton doing a two-man act with the 1940's Laurence Olivier - you would not stand a chance for a Supporting Actor Oscar this year. Even Downey Jr. playing an white Australian actor playing a black man doesn't stand a chance this year. Not that Ledger didn't do yeoman work playing a wholly detestable villain and not deserve every other award and praise he got (he most certainly did earn all that), but how fair is it for all the other actors in this category to have to go up for an award against someone who has in the last year had more face time and positive buzz than all of them combined? I imagine after the awards, the losers will all be at the same table, enjoying a nice Michael Shannon burger. Yep.

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BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Amy Adams (Doubt)

Viola Davis (Doubt)

Taraji P. Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)

Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona)

Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler) - again, as easy as it would have been to go with Cruz, Tomei just seemed a more likely choice, seeing as she seemed to lose that certain something she had when she got her Oscar so long ago for My Cousin Vinny. That, I feel, was either a fluke, someone read the wrong card or their must have been A LOT of money involved. Either way, Tomei just doesn't strike the same chord she used to back in the '80s'. This will be an evening filled with heavy (deserved) praise for Doubt or another category flattened by the Benjamin Button steamroller. Sorry, Marisa.

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BEST DIRECTOR

Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire)

Stephen Daldry (The Reader)

David Fincher (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)

Ron Howard (Frost/Nixon)

Gus Van Sant (Milk) - Why? Two reasons: one, he's just too much for Hollywood to handle right now. For all the money whoever it was may have put up for him to be nominated, the powers-that-be will NEVER recognize someone so controversial and as outre' as Van Sant. After all, this is a man who walks down the same path of rabble-rousing as Michael Moore does, what with his paeans to school shootings (Elephant), drug abuse (Drug Store Cowboy) and narcoleptic male prostitutes (My Own Private Idaho). Not to say that he isn't talented - far from it - but Hollywood has NEVER taken it unto themselves to reward such unrepentantly inexcusable behavior as being - heaven forbid - ORIGINAL. And Van Sant is certainly that. Oh, and two: I don't think anyone's every really forgiven him for the Psycho remake.

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BEST ANIMATED FILM OF THE YEAR

Kung Fu Panda

WALL-E

Bolt - the reason for this goes way back to before Cars was made by Pixar: back when that inexcusable idiot Michael Eisner was in charge of Walt's baby, he made the utterly bone-headed decision to break ties with Pixar (their biggest money-maker at that time) and have Disney start their own computer animation branch and make movies that were the exact equal of Toy Story, Monsters Inc. and Finding Nemo. This fundamentally moronic idea failed on the simple basis that none of Disney Studios' animated movies at that time had the same heart, spirit, wonder and whimsy as any of Pixar's classics. And their very first computer-animated effort (Chicken Little) only reinforced that very same issue: it was a carbon copy of Pixar's works, but without the heart. After Eisner was dumped (thank GOD) and bridges were mended with Pixar, all fell back to normal, save for the fact that Disney Studios KEPT their computer animation branch and kept churning out heartless drones like Bolt - even going so far as to carbon-copy its script from one of their own direct-to-DVD works (101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure), which wasn't that good to begin with. I mean; Good Lord, people - even Kung Fu Panda had Jack "The Man" Black in it. What did Bolt have? Oh wait: I'll answer that...NOTHING.

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And so there you go: nominations you may take to the bank.

Pick all the winners you want; I'm perfectly content with my losers.

Congratulations, guys and remember: it's just as important for you to have paid enough money to even be nominated.

Dope out.

-TGWD