Quick: Does This Logo Look Familiar To You?

If so, then congratulations: you watched the same TV I did growing up.

Don't ask me why, but "60 Minutes" was a common fixture in the household of my youth.  The folks liked to feel informed and intelligent by listening to the soothing reporting voices of Harry Reasoner, Mike Wallace and Morley Safer and the like, and Andy Rooney was always good for a laugh.

Me, I stuck around for the stopwatch.

Yet, there was always a point in the broadcast that grabbed my attention - and I'm sure it did yours too, had you watched it - when a particular advertisement came on for a particular business insurance company that, for some strange reason, never seemed to show itself outside of this show.  A sponsor so attention-grabbing should be shown a lot more often , I thought even at the tender age of however old I was.  It never was, and all the sadder.

The company's name was Employer's Insurance of Wausau - I looked it up and apparently now they're Liberty Mutual, which is a lot less attention-grabbing, name-wise, and I don't really remember any Liberty Mutual commercials.

At least not as well as I remember THESE commercials.

Pay particular attention to the end of the ad; this is what everyone remembers:



...NOW do you remember?

I thought you would.  Now you wanna see Harry Reasoner do a report about The White House or something, don'tcha?

I thought you would.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Why Foreign Commercials Are Better Than American Commercials...

Do I really need to say anything else?

Dope out.

- TGWD

Chevy Chase's Dirty Little (Not-So) Secret...

I'm not going to go several paragraphs and describe who Chevy Chase is; you, as a well-read 'Net-o-phile, should already know who he is. You've seen "Saturday Night Live", you've watched Fletch and those National Lampoon Vacation movies and his co-starring stint on that NBC show about a community college I can't recall the title of right now, but anyway...long story short, you know who Chevy Chase is.

And if you don't, click the Wikipedia link then come back.

You back? Good....

After he left SNL, Chevy pictured bigger and better things for him; and for a few movies he had them. But then he felt himself drawn back to NBC and, a couple of times, gave in. He even hosted his old alma mater show and, before his 1993 talk show fiasco, hosted a special called "The Chevy Chase Show" in 1977. Kind of the same stuff he did on SNL, only in an hour format and Ready for Prime Time.

Then, in 1979, people in television land saw THIS ad pop up:



So, what WAS "The Chevy Chase National Humor Test", you may ask? Good question. I remember it verrrrrry vaguely back in the day, I remember Chevy telling the home and studio audience to make paper airplanes out of the show's questionnaire from that week's TV Guide, and an extremely surreal end sequence with four images of Chevy's white grease-painted face all mugging along with a big band song. But as far as the content...I don't know.

But I'm going to.

Yes, kids; I found a copy of "The Chevy Chase National Humor Test" and I will review it before the Dope-A-Palooza is over and done with. Something this rare and unusual and downright weird must be dealt with.

Besides, this is the second time that Chevy's done a TV show with Dr. Joyce Brothers. What's NOT to review about that?

So, keep your anticipation high; Chevy Chase is about to become part of Dope-A-Palooza Month!

...and this STILL isn't the weirdest thing I'll review this month. Trust me.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Is It Too Much To Ask...? (MST3K Edition)

Since I tried (and failed) to get the attention of no less than Jerry Lewis with my previous posting in this vein, I thought it might be a good idea to take a moment and think about what went wrong....

Then it came to me: Jer's a busy man and he probably doesn't have the time to surf the Web and check out the postings of every good Samaritan who comes along and wants to help him preserve his comedic and filmic genius.

Like me.

And you know what? Fair enough. It's not like I'm redacting my previous post and denying my aid to him. Far from it - Mister Lewis, you're still out there and have read my post offering my services, please consider my offering.

But in the meantime, I will offer a like service to some other comedic geniuses.

The minds behind my favorite television show of all time, "Mystery Science Theater 3000".

Briefly for the uninitiated, MST3K (for brevity) was a show that featured the semi-evil Dr. Forrester (Trace Beaulieu) and his experimentation on both Joel Robinson (Joel Hodgson) and Mike Nelson (Mike Nelson), separately, in forcing them to watch the worst films ever made. Both men make the best of the situation by riffing on every films shown. But they have the help of man-made robots Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy), Crow T. Robot (Trace Beaulieu or Bill Corbett, depending on which season you see) and Gypsy (Jim Mallon or Patrick Brantseg, again, depending on the season).

Every episode was worth watching, worth laughing out loud with and, for 198 episodes, fans all over the world did just that, whether it was on the Comedy Network, Comedy Chanel or Sci Fi Channel.

Any MSTie fan worth their weight has seen each and every episode ever made. All of them, that is, except for two or three.

You see, besides the ten nationally televised seasons of this classic series, there is also a season known as "Season 0". This was broadcast on local Minneapolis TV station KTMA and consisted of 21 episodes of funny stuff and bad movies. The titles consisted of such "classics" as these:

K04 Gamera vs. Barugon
An egg yields a mutant lizard named Barugon which fights the giant turtle Gamera.

K05 Gamera
A nuclear explosion awakens a giant turtle, which goes on a rampage but is befriended by a boy.

K06 Gamera vs. Gyaos
Gamera fights the pterodactyl-like Gyaos.

K07 Gamera vs. Zigra
Gamera fights a shark-like alien named Zigra.

K08 Gamera vs. Guiron
Gamera saves two boys from brain-eating aliens and the monster Guiron.

K09 Phase IV
Weird cosmological phenomena cause ants in Arizona to go on a rampage.

K10 Cosmic Princess
A re-edit of two Space: 1999 episodes, "The Metamorph" and "Space Warp". Moonbase Alpha encounters an evil scientist with phenomenal destructive powers and his shapeshifting daughter, who joins the Moonbase crew but later proves to be a danger to them.

K11 Humanoid Woman
Astronauts probing an abandoned spaceship find a female clone whose planet is threatened by pollution and a dictatorship.

K12 Fugitive Alien
Starwolf Ken casts his lot with the Earthling crew of Bacchus 3. See 310 Fugitive Alien for details.

K13 SST: Death Flight
A transatlantic SST has inflight problems thanks to "repairs" by a disgruntled engineer, and the plane is not allowed to make an emergency landing because of a flu virus carton that's been blown open. This 1977 made-for-TV disaster movie features an all-star cast.

K14 Mighty Jack
Dubbed Japanese adventure show about top-secret organization "Mighty Jack" and their identically-named flying submarine.

K15 Superdome
A terrorist threatens the Super Bowl in New Orleans. Stars Tom Selleck, David Janssen, Van Johnson, Donna Mills, Clifton Davis, Edie Adams, and a few ex-football stars.

K16 City on Fire
Disaster film centered on a hospital as an oil refinery explosion ignites an entire town. An all-star cast includes Henry Fonda, Ava Gardner, Shelley Winters, and Leslie Nielsen.

K17 Time of the Apes
Dubbed Japanese movie about a woman and two kids taking refuge in cryogenic capsules, only to awake in a world populated by apes. See 306 Time of the Apes for details.

K18 The Million Eyes of Sumuru
A female villain plans to take over the world. Stars Frankie Avalon and Shirley Eaton.

K19 Hangar 18
A Space shuttle experiment accidentally kills an astronaut and downs a UFO, which is captured by the military and transferred to a hangar in West Texas for analysis. Eager to win re-election, the President keeps the UFO secret and casts blame at the surviving astronauts, who go on a quest to blow the lid on the coverup.

K20 The Last Chase
In a Mad Max-type future, America has no gas and an ex-racecar driver makes his way to California. Stars Lee Majors and Burgess Meredith.

K21 Legend of the Dinosaurs
Seismic activity around Mount Fuji awakens hibernating dinosaurs, who go on a rampage.

...now, the astute among you will have noticed that, while this list indeed ends with the number "21", there are only eighteen episodes listed. And right you are; of the 21 episodes made, only 18 have ever been...well, let's just say "made available".

The first three episodes of Season 0 are these:

K01 Invaders from the Deep
Movie version of Gerry & Sylvia Anderson's Supermarionation puppet series Stingray, about the eponymous super-submarine operated by the World Aquanaut Security Patrol (WASPs), fighting aquatic creatures who attempt to take over the planet.

K02 Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars
Movie version of Gerry & Sylvia Anderson's Supermarionation puppet series Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons, a space adventure about an international intelligence agency trying to save the earth from destruction by aliens.

K03 Star Force: Fugitive Alien 2
Starwolf Ken and the Bacchus 3 crew are on a mission to destroy a secret weapon.

Apparently the other episodes are only available because some enterprising TV viewers in the Minneapolis area had their VCRs at the ready and recorded the episodes we (MSTies) know and love. These first three, however, seem to have escaped most peoples' recorders and/or radar.

Which means that the only ones who have these episodes would, logically, be the original producers of the KTMA season of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" - in this case, Joel Hodgson and Jim Mallon.

And so, to these fine gentlemen, I offer this proposal:

Dear Mr. Hodgson and/or Mr. Mallon:

I know that both of you have plenty on your respective plates, what with individual projects and maintaining your busy lives of comedic and professional fulfillment. I also know that in order to keep tabs on the voluminous original masters of the many episodes of this classic show that you have created, the most precious of your collection would be the as-yet-unseen-by-modern-viewers KTMA episodes K01 through K03.

My proposal is that, with these particular episodes, entrust them to me and I will be more than happy to recopy them onto my own supply of DVD stock so that, not only do these original masters lose none o their original luster, but in case (God forbid) any of the originals get irreparably damaged, you will know someone who will have copies that are just as good and as unharmed as when they were first produced.

If this is an idea that appeals to you and would be agreeable to putting your minds at ease as to these irreplaceable classic episodes' safety, please contact me through this site and I will send you my mailing address and postage-paid envelopes to send your originals to me, after which, I will be able to hold up my end of the bargain.

If you have any questions or concerns, please contact me as soon as you are able.

Now, if the boys are agreeable, I can then get the nerve necessary to contact the White House about safekeeping those pesky audio tapes they seem to have trouble guarding around the Nixon era. They have enough to worry about in Washington anymore.

Dope out.

- TGWD

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

This is the fifth review in a series for the SciFi Drive's Star Wars Blogathon.

Anyone who looks back on the history of the original Star Wars trilogy from 1977 to 1983 will notice that the story arc took its characters on quests of discovery, revenge, self-preservation and escapes from tyranny. It was all very methodical and planned out.

But what about those unexpected side trips?

The history of the Rebel Alliance's battles against the evil Galactic Empire had been well-chronicled, campaign after campaign documented. Then there are little events that no one takes note of that really hold no importance as to how the battle sways. They happen, but they're never mentioned again.

You know: like Nicaragua.

So it happened that in November 17, 1978 (Earth time) a little known event in the battle against the Empire took place on the planet Kashyyyk, home of the Wookiees, and detailed the Imperial occupation of one particular household of suspected Rebel conspirator Chewbacca.

And did I mention the musical numbers?

The Star Wars Holiday Special tries to take the best of both worlds (or galaxies) and combine them into one big two-hour special that promises fun for the whole family. The problem is....

Well, let me explain it after this:

Han Solo (Harrison Ford) is racing the Millennium Falcon through an Imperial blockade to get co-pilot Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) to his home planet in order to celebrate Life Day, an important holiday for all Wookiees. Meanwhile, Chewie's family awaits him - consisting of his wife Malla, his father Itchy, and son Lumpy - however an Imperial detachment has stationed itself at Chewie's home, tipped off to Rebel activity and determined to get to the bottom of any anti-Imperial sentiment.

As you may have noticed, there are some familiar names in this Special, not to mention that we'll also be graced with the presence of Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), Princess Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher), C-3P0 (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 (Kenny Baker), just in case you'd forgotten what kind of a story this is.

And believe me, there will be times that you will forget.

How can I say that? Because in 1978, TV had this deal going on that any prime-time network special that centered around actors and characters from the big movie of the moment could present a microcosm of their filmic universe on the small screen - but at a price.

You see, the story itself is never enough. There has to be more for John Q. and Jane A. Public to plop down in front of their all-state TVs to watch - after all, the CBS suits insisted, why watch something on TV that the viewership could go to their local theater and see?

Sort of a reverse-logic on "Battlestar: Galactica" but anyway....

Like any other TV special in the Seventies, the suits knew they had to rely on the same content that buoyed the likes of "The Carol Burnett Show", "The Captain and Tenille" and "Donny and Marie"; vaudevillian comedy and lots of song and dance numbers.

Of course you may be rightly wondering to yourself, "But wait: this is a Star Wars special. I don't recall there being any singing or dancing in Star Wars, unless you count the cantina".

And right you are. There wasn't. And as far as the comedy, you can't very well have a two-hour loop of Chewie growling at that little Death Star droid, making it speed away.

Well...you could, but that's what we have YouTube for.

Not to worry, however. CBS had it covered. Just as NBC knew that no self-respecting KISS fan would watch their juke box heroes on TV without corny dialogue, cartoony music and albino werewolves in silver jumpsuits, so the logic of CBS prevailed and hired a writing team of Pat Proft (who wrote Bachelor Party and Police Academy), joke-writer extraordinaire Bruce Vilanch and a few others you've never heard of before or since concoct a story that somehow combines a galaxy far far away with Cirque de Soliel acrobats, cooking shows, comedy that was outdated in the late Sixties, Diahann Carroll and a cartoon.

All that's missing is a guy spinning plates in zero gravity and an alien Ed Sullivan popping up every so often to introduce the next act.

...is it unrealistic to ask, "What Happened??" I know I should keep my expectations low, but this low?

This is Star Wars we're talking about; it wouldn't start down the road to ruin until, say, the mid-Eighties when those stupid Ewok TV movies came out, or Christopher Lee predated his Count Dooku appearance and featured in 1982's A Very Star Wars Christmas. 1978 was WAY too early to dash the eager fanboy's hopes - we hadn't even gotten our action figures out of their packaging yet.

But the innocent few among you may say, "What could be so bad about this? A couple of songs, some comedy bits here and there. I was brave enough to survive the Star Wars crew's appearance on "Donny and Marie" a few months prior...I can make it through this. This is nothing."

Oh. Really.

Are you ready for Art Carney playing Ed Norton in space? As a trader named Saundan based on Kashyyyk, Art tries his level best to pretend there's a live audience - or at best a laugh track - as he labors over shtick both verbal and physical that would make Jackie Gleason shake his head in disgust (and it probably did). And what other galactic civilization wears glasses? Come on, Art: would it have killed you to hide them for a few minutes just to keep the "other universe" vibe going? HIS MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: taking a good minute of time to pantomime his way through opening a holographic music player for an Imperial officer.

Are you ready for Jefferson Starship playing a holographic rock band in space? And without Grace Slick, at that! It's not like she was busy, I'm sure, but "Light the Sky on Fire" isn't their best song; maybe she had pressing business with her hair or Paul Kantner warned her away ahead of time or something. At any rate, quasi-religious anthems have their place, but not in a TV special where their big scene is playing in a glowing purple box. THEIR MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: I'll swear to my dying day that lead singer Marty Balin is singing into a gigantic glowing purple condom wrapped around a fluorescent bulb. Didn't they have censors around for this kind of thing to NOT happen? Who will think of the children?!!

Are you ready for Diahann Carroll playing a masturbatory fantasy in space? Seriously: Diahann dons head-to-toe Christmas tinsel to play a projected fantasy for Itchy as he sits under a silver hair dryer with an 8-track tape stuck in it. She whispers sweet nothings into his malformed jaw (more on that later) and sings a song then, much like her career, she fades away. HER MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: telling Itchy how adorable he is three times at least while he wriggles underneath the hair dryer, chewing on his nose.

Are you ready for Bea Arthur playing Bea Arthur in space? As the new cantina owner of Tattooine (...or maybe it's the cantina down the street - a little competition's always healthy), Bea provides most of the dialogue in a bar full of familiar-looking aliens from the movie, including a giant rat left over from Bert I. Gordon's Food of the Gods. You know your special's in trouble when you spend a whole scene wishing Obi-Wan would come in and start cutting aliens' arms off, just to liven things up. Yeah, I'm a bad person, I'm sorry.... HER MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: Bea sings (Yes. Bea. Arthur. Sings.) a song to the cantina band's theme from Star Wars. You know, if I had wanted to watch Mame, I'd have watched Mame.

Are you ready for Harvey Korman playing three of the unfunniest comedy characters ever in space? As a four-armed cooking show host (in space), a six-fingered lovelorn alien with a hole in his head and a continually stalling human/droid hybrid, he'll remind no one of such past triumphs in Lord Love a Duck, Blazing Saddles and the Pink Panther series, not to mention "The Carol Burnett Show". How can someone so naturally funny be so criminally unfunny? The Star Wars Holiday Special answers that question quite harshly. HIS MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: all of them.

Like I said before, most of the original Star Wars cast is here, under both contractual obligations and duress no doubt. Mark Hamill under heavy makeup (due to an earlier car accident), Carrie Fisher under heavy sedation (just look at her eyes - she had more than a little something before the cameras rolled), Harrison Ford under heavy pressure (he seems to be more irritated here than he was in Empire) and Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew and Kenny Baker under heavy cover (for which I'm sure they are grateful). All of them slog along but fail to convince the viewer of their conviction to the cause. In this case, less Rebels vs Empire and more Komedy vs. Audience.

The new characters are even less important. Who knew Chewbacca had a family? And who in their right mind would have envisioned THIS family? Malla looks convincing enough I guess, even though her eyes are a bit scary-looking, especially considering her part is played by a guy (Mickey Morton). But Itchy (Paul Gale) - his bottom lip really does look as if it got caught in a revolving door and his brow is low enough to suggest a distant relative to Neanderthals...with very bad under-bites. The worst fate is handed down to little Itchy (played by a girl - Patty Maloney!), with big eyes and a bigger mouth, he puts you in the mind of Adam Rich starring in Teen Wolf III.

But the Chewie family dialogue? All grunts and howls and growls and grumbles and snorts. I loved Quest for Fire, but I never wanted to see a comedy/variety show based on its characters. At least in Star Wars there were humans for Chewie to play off, but solid minutes of Wookiee-speak with no translator in sight? Their scenes probably gave the writers a chance to just type: INSERT WOOKIEE NOISE HERE. Much easier for scripting, takes less paper too.

How about the cartoon, though? Halfway through the occupation of Chewie's house by Stormtroopers, black-helmeted secondaries and a commander who makes Grand Moff Tarkin come off as practically effete, Lumpy occupies himself on his little yellow mini-screen TV (I'm sorry, but what is it with all of these TVs in space????), and watches a nine minute-or-so cartoon based on Luke and company's first encounter with Boba Fett. Canadian animation company Nelvana does a passable job and the alien settings sure look alien enough, and the story itself is intriguing to watch, but maybe this cartoon is...how best to say it...oh well...too good for The Star Wars Holiday Special?

It is a good little distraction, and Ford, Hamill and Fisher reprise Han, Luke and Leia pretty well; even Daniels's Threepio is recognizable, which is good. But still, when your little filler cartoon - can we agree that this is filler? Good. - outshines and overshadows your whole TV special, what does it say about your special?

That it stinks, that's what.

In the end, when the Wookiee family is safe, Chewie reunites with them, they pick up glass balls, transport to a rocky set while wearing red robes, Luke and company appear for no reason, Leia sings a song (badly) and Chewie flashes back to scenes in Star Wars (some of which he never even took part in) and the Wookiees all celebrate what's left of Life Day as the credits roll, you - the die-hard Star Wars fan - realize that while this enterprise had Star Wars in the title, had the same characters, followed some familiar plot threads and even had the Wilhelm Scream, this was NOT a Star Wars special.

This was a burlesque without the naked ladies.

This was humiliation for anyone who ever owned a C-3P0 belt buckle.

This was darkness Darth Vader wouldn't touch.

No wonder James Earl Jones literally phoned in his part (or at least his voice): everyone else sure did.

George Lucas, after giving his blessing to the CBS suits to use his characters willy-nilly, swore he would hunt down every bootlegged copy of this and smash it - not like any OFFICIAL release of this would ever pass through Skywalker Ranch. Fair enough, but why not cut out the middle-man and just go back to that point in time where CBS first spoke to him and just smash the executives?

Trust me: avoid The Star Wars Holiday Special as if it were the sarlacc pit.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fight the frizzies.

A Very Serious "Oh My God! I Remember This!" Moment

We've all had these before; something we saw a long time ago in our youth that struck us as memorable, we talked about it, then, after some time, we forget about it, go on with our lives and never thing about it again.

THEN...

Thanks to the magic of the Internet and clips here, there and everywhere, we find those moments again and can relive them any time we want.

Well, I've found just such a moment that I never even knew I remembered until I heard this synopsis:

"A young boy finds out he shares his new house with an old witch. She whips him up a batch of her magic blueberry pancakes. Once eaten they cause a flurry of colored dots to appear before your eyes. And they make you very, very happy."

Then I saw this clip:



This is a clip from a short movie called Winter of the Witch, it was made in 1969, starred Hermione Gingold, narrated by Burgess Meredith and, while most my age remember seeing it in school (which is where I first saw it), it was also a featured movie in an old Saturday Morning show from back in my day called "The CBS Children's Film Festival". You know - Kukla, Fran and Ollie? Those three. yeah.



Man, if you could feel the neurons firing off in your brain that I feel just now.

Dope out.

- TGWD

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

To be perfectly honest with you, I didn't really care for KISS back in the day.

Nothing against them but, for a young impressionable Dope, it was just not the music I was used to at the time. After all, I was only...well...young. I mean, here were these guys with stadium hair and weird names, dolled up in black-and-white makeup and playing their guitars too loud, singing too loud, spitting fake blood on the stage, biting the heads off of pigeons, blowing up goats with dynamite...

Oh wait, that was someone else.

Anyway, I simply didn't understand these yahoos that the rest of the world thought were so wonderful and talented and so forth, but there must have been SOMETHING about them - after all, they were the top rock act of the Seventies, the greatest rock-and-roll group in the world, blahblahblah...

So I was on the far end of the spectrum, I guess - the one that just didn't "get it". I was stuck in the world of easy-listening and wondering when Al Stewart would be getting his own movie.

But there they were: Gene, Pete, Ace and Paul, hair and all, riding the tops of the charts and cranking out one hit vinyl after another...vinyl albums, sigh...and plastered on the bedroom walls of swooning young girls and head-banging young boys with guitars and dreams. They pretty much had it all.

Then a funny thing happened: in 1976 "The Paul Lynde Halloween Special" debuted on ABC, and on it was Betty White, Florence Henderson, Donny and Marie Osmond, Billie Hayes (in full Witchie-Poo rigging), Margaret Hamilton (as everyone's fave witch from Wizard of Oz) and...wait for it...KISS, ladies and germs! Yep, this was their big television debut and, singing three songs and interacting with Paul and company, they seemed to be pretty comfortable with it all.

So, why not give them their own full-fledged television thing?

[STUDIO SUIT] Not a concert or anything like that, though; those things just get too wild with the kids nowadays in their blue jeans and feathered hair all shouting and whooping it up and, heavens, if the boys start eating animals on stage, well, the Christian groups will just get all in a lather, don'tcha know, and then we'll have to fend off all the huffy letters from concerned parent groups, and we're still recovering from the time we started that Heidi movie just before the Super Bowl was over and, oh, then if we let the KISS do their little concert thing then we'll have to make concessions with the Black Sabbath there and the Blue Oyster Cult there, but them Boston boys seemed very nice and groovy, though, don'tcha think?....[/STUDIO SUIT]

Not a problem, since NBC gladly took the chance to get the group onto their network at any price. Why? NBC was going through a time where their shows were flagging badly - remember, children of the Seventies, this was the era of Fred Silverman and such vehicles as "Hello, Larry", "Grandpa Goes to Washington","The Waverly Wonders", "The Eddie Capra Mysteries" and "David Cassidy: Man Undercover" (and no, the last one wasn't a cartoon - maybe it should have been....).

So, a chance for a floundering network to have a movie special featuring one of the hottest rock groups of all time? Ab-so-lutely!

[STUDIO SUIT] Oh, but we gotta be careful, though, because we got to cater to our sponsors and then there's our demographic we have to remember, too; after all, they pay our wages and we have to make them happy, those kids out there with the acne and the money they get from their parents to pay for the product we sponsor during the breaks there - gotta keep 'em happy and watching and remembering our network slogan, whatever it is this week, there... [/STUDIO SUIT]

A very valid point - what kind of movie would it be? What would be best-suited to feature a heavily made-up group of rockers such as these - AND make sponsors happy AND the audience glued to their collective TV sets?

Why, just make the members of KISS a group of evil-fighters with special powers who do battle against an evil genius who plans to destroy the amusement park from which he was just recently fired.

Of course.

Naturally.

Makes all the sense in the world.

Hello, Emmy Awards.

Get ready to rake in the big bucks.

Nielsen families, brace yourselves for....

OH, WHO THE HELL ARE WE KIDDING????

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park came out at a time when KISS was also the subject of a Marvel Comics series wherein they played themselves being superheroes. Original. I think Donny and Marie had the same deal going at DC. But there is your idea, and there's pretty much the whole plot, but with a few detours along the way.

Allow me to get into detail here: Abner Devereaux (Anthony Zerbe) is a brilliant scientist who works at a big-deal amusement park in designing semi-realistic mechanical creatures (like guys on platforms who do the robot, a gorilla in chains who rocks forward and backward, a barbershop quartet, samurai warriors and so forth). He basically gets the boot early on after complaining about his funding getting cut because the owner of the park (Carmine Caridi) is putting all his bucks into advertising the fact that KISS is coming to do a concert. Abner swears revenge, storms away, blahblahblah...

Meanwhile, empty-headed cutie Melissa (Deborah Ryan) is looking for her equally empty-headed boyfriend Sam (Terry Lester), who disappeared while working for Abner in his underground research facility. Now there's three words that almost never bode well for a minor character in a movie. They're very much in love, judging from the opening scene where they're riding a roller coaster and kissing and pawing each other. Ah, young Seventies love. Anyway, she spends the running time of the movie searching the whole park over for Sam, blahblahblah...

Also, three toughs...or maybe they're bikers or gang members...I can't really tell what they're supposed to be, but they do wear a lot of denim and leather and talk tough. Maybe they're just punks.... Anyway these three whatever-they-are, named Chopper, Slime and Dirty Dee, push people around, mess with the exhibits and talk in tough language for a family hour TV movie. Maybe they're not punks either - just jerks. But they are eventually lured into a scary castle exhibit by Abner, until they realize too late that something's wrong, blahblahblah...

And, after about 30-45 minutes of this plot-filler junk, THEN the titular band that this movie's supposed to be about shows up. What is the deal with this; it's about as bad as Godzilla Vs. Megalon, where Godzilla doesn't show up until the last half-hour of the film.

KISS does make quite an entrance, exploding onto the scene of their concert. I mean, literally exploding, with flashes and smoke and everything. They sail out of the sky, beams shooting out of their eyes, walking down on laser dashes, breathing fire. They almost immediately notice Melissa asking the three ineffectual park guards if they've seen Sam and, with their powers of mind-reading, lip-reading and special effects-using, offer their services and say they'll help.

How nice. If this was the real KISS, however, Melissa would have almost surely become another footnote in the boys' books on all the groupies they loved before.

But this being an NBC made-for-TV movie, instead of a Lifetime Network movie, adjustments must be made. So there you have it - family-friendly glam rockers.

And speaking of the ineffectual park guards, it seems this is all the security they have for this huge park. One guy in charge (John Chappell) and two of his charges (one of them being future b-movie standby Brion James). What kind of security is this, since their main purpose is to act as irritants to the rest of the plot - if a movie like this can be said to have a plot?

Now Abner (remember him?), intent on making KISS the catalyst to destroy the park, tarnish their names and make him feel better about himself, designs robot lookalikes of our boys to fool the park guards (who do nothing anyway), incite the big concert crowd into a malicious riot and make the world unsafe for untruth, injustice and the Evil Scientist Way.

Abner even recruits a robotically-controlled Sam (remember him?) to do his bidding by taking pictures of KISS, steal a set of magical talismen (Talismens? Talismans? Talismi?) that give our boys their powers and otherwise stalk around the park at night, glowering.

[STUDIO SUIT] Now this is what we're talking about; a romantic subplot for the girls, technology for the Star Wars crowd out there, since we really need something to compete with that Star Wars special they're developing over at CBS for next month, and all we need now is lots of rock-em sock-em action for the boys, since they like lotsa action there...oh, but we gotta keep it safe for the kiddies there, too, because heaven knows they'll want to watch this here too, can't let them miss any of our advertising there.... [/STUDIO SUIT]

Not to worry on that point either, since this was not only scripted by the two writers who gave the exploitation world Too Hot To Handle, one of Cheri Caffaro's last soft-core sex and violence flicks (natural progression: from Ginger flicks to KISS) and directed by TV vet Gordon Hessler, who not only directed episodes of "Hawaii Five-0" and "Kung-Fu" plus films like The Oblong Box and Murders in the Rue Morgue but was also produced by Joseph Barbera...and yes, that's the same Barbera as in Hanna-Barbera, as in Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Hound, all those cartoons, yep. So you see; all the avenues are covered - action with a cartoonish slant.

This means that Gene and company get to fight against robotic albino werewolves in silver jumpsuits - no worse than the costumes KISS wears - to a peppy disco-themed tune that's more suited to Scooby-Doo and the gang running away from creepy ghosts. Speaking of which, Hoyt Curtin did the music for all the big fight/action scenes in this film, if just to help win the all-elusive kiddie demographic. Must have been a carry-over from Joseph Barbera, just to keep in tune with all the cartoony elements of this thing.

Which is eventually what KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park turns out to be: one big live-action goof of a cartoon with some innate haunted house creepiness and action best suited to Saturday morning.

Do I dare mention the acting? With a title like this one, you shouldn't walk in expecting to see Lee Strasberg alumni. The only one who acts (or overacts as the case may be) is Zerbe, who at least evokes some sympathy as the antagonist. He's a good actor who's been in some good films (Cool Hand Luke, Will Penny, Papillon, The Dead Zone) and some bad ones (Soggy Bottom USA, Steel Dawn, Opposing Force, Listen To Me), but this is probably the biggest waste of an actor's talent since James Coburn advertised Schlitz Beer.

And what of KISS? They appear, sing three songs, a couple of them were so unreliable that one (Peter Criss) was dubbed and another (Ace Frehley) had a stunt double/stand-in actor that not only looked nothing like him but was also a different race (during the werewolf fight scene, see if you can notice what I'm talking about). In fact, Ace refused to work with the screenwriters and instead just made odd sounds whenever they asked him what kind of dialogue he would prefer in some scenes. Which is why at some points Ace simply says "Awk!" in response to some questions or even just squawks for no other discernible reason.

Paul Stanley plays Paul Stanley playing Star Child well enough. He bests his compatriots in acting if only for the sole virtue of not looking as ridiculous as they when saying lines like "It must be feeding time for The Demon," and "Hi, Curly!"

At least Gene looks menacing. But when you have bushy hair, wear foot high platform boots, breathe fire and speak in a growling echo, how could you NOT be menacing?

Even to this day, the Knights In Satan's Service absolutely and unequivocally hate, detest and deride this film, slamming it even now and refusing to even so much as answer a question which refers in whole or in part to KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. And who can blame them? It did nothing to further anyone's career, rated merely a blip on any KISS fan's radar and didn't even help NBC at the time of its premiere.

[STUDIO SUIT] Ooh gee, I wonder what went wrong with this here; we hit all the right notes and pushed all the right buttons, got the kiddie audience and KISS fan audience and even had some of them impressive effects the kids like nowadays, but we still didn't even pull in any bigger numbers with this than we did with McLean Stevenson hosting our premiere network showing of Godzilla Vs. Megalon there...or maybe we didn't get the right demographics from the bean-counters division, over there....[/STUDIO SUIT]

Well, the plain fact of the matter is this: when your product is so shoddy and junked-up with subplots and unimportant characters that no music group, no matter how big, can overshadow any of the script's shortcomings, you have more problems than robotic albino werewolves in silver jumpsuits and non-acting. You have a major case of over-reaching with a lot of under-achieving thrown in.

And on that count, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park hits all the right notes. Unfortunately.

What's Wrong with Television Today? Part I...

I see it's been quite awhile since I've written anything about the state of television nowadays, and since I fancy myself an all-purpose reviewer, let's go ahead and turn our attention to the One-Eyed Babysitter.

That didn't sound right. Anyway....

To sum up television nowadays in two words: it sucks.

To sum up television nowadays in three words: it sucks hard.

You can't deny that television has long since passed its Golden Years, whether you fondly remember the first days of Gunsmoke and Bonanza, or I Love Lucy and My Three Sons, or even The Cosby Show and Family Ties. Television just isn't what it used to be.

Why?

Because producers just plain got lazy. Instead of getting writers and stories and characters for shows, we instead have reality shows: just get some regular people in front of the camera, film what happens to them, voila! You got a show!

And every network (even fake networks like Fox) have at least one reality show on their roster. Let's see here, there's been...

The $25 Million Dollar Hoax, 13: Fear is Real, 16 & Pregnant, 18 Kids & Counting, 30 Days, 30 Seconds of Fame, 50 Cent: The Money and the Power, 8th & Ocean, 9 by Design, A Double Shot at Love, A Model Life with Petra Nemcova, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Addicted, Adventures in Hollyhood, Age of Love, The Agency, Airline, Airplane Repo, All American Girl, The Amazing Race, The Amazing Race: All-Stars, America's Best Dance Crew, America's Got Talent, America's Most Smartest Model, America's Next Muppet, America's Next Producer, America's Next Top Model, America's Toughest Jobs, American Chopper, American Gladiators, American Hot Rod, American Idol, American Inventor, American Loggers, American Pickers, American Dream Derby, American Juniors, Amish In The City, Amne$ia, Anchorwoman, The Anna Nicole Show, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Anything For Love, The Apprentice, The Apprentice: Los Angeles, The Celebrity Apprentice, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?, Are You Hot?, Armed & Famous, Arranged Marriage, The Ashlee Simpson Show, Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust, The Assistant, Average Joe, Average Joe: Hawaii, Average Joe: Adam Returns, Ax Men, The Baby Borrowers, Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor, The Bachelor: Paris, The Bachelor: Rome, The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman, The Bachelor: London Calling, The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, The Bachelorette, The Bad Girls Club, Baldwin Hills, Bank of Hollywood, Battleground Earth, Battle of the Network Reality Stars, Beauty And The Geek, Beg, Borrow & Deal, Being Bobby Brown, The Benefactor, Bethenny's Getting Married?, Better Half, The Beverly Hillbillies, Big Brother, Big Brother : All-Stars, Big Brother (International Editions), The Biggest Loser, The Biggest Loser: Couples, The Biggest Loser: Families, The Biggest Loser: Special Edition, Big Man on Campus, Bindi: The Jungle Girl, Black Gold, The Block, Blonde Charity Mafia, Blow Out, Blush, Boarding House: North Shore, Boot Camp, Born Country, Boy Meets Boy, Brat Camp, Breaking Bonaduce, Bridezillas, Bridget's Sexiest Beaches, Britain's Got Talent, Britney And Kevin: Chaotic, Bromance, The Buried Life, But The Sex Is So Good, Cake Boss, Can You Duet?, Canadian Idol, Carnie Wilson: Unstapled, The Casino, Celebrity Circus,Celebrity Cooking Showdown, Celebrity Duets, Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Mole Hawaii, Celebrity Mole Yucatan, Celebrity Rap Superstar, Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, CHA$E, Change of Heart, Chasing Farrah, Chef Academy, Chopped, The Chopping Block, The City, Clash of the Choirs, The Club, Cold Turkey, College Life, College Hill, The Colony, Combat Missions, The Complex, Confessions of a Matchmaker, Confessions of a Teen Idol, The Contender, Cops, Criss Angel Mindfreak, Croc Hunter Challenge, The Crocodile Hunter, Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants, Cupcake Sisters, Cupid, The Cut, Daisy of Love, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team, Dance Machine, Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann, Dance Your Ass Off, Dance Fever, Dancelife, Dancing with the Stars, Date My Ex: Jo & Slade, Date My House, Dating in the Dark, The Dating Experiment, DEA, Deadliest Catch, Deal Or No Deal, Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love, Denise Richards: It's Complicated, Destination Truth, Destroyed in Seconds, The Detonators, Dice Undisputed, DietTribe, Dinner: Impossible, Dirty Jobs, Dog The Bounty Hunter, Dog Whisperer, Dog Eat Dog, Don't Forget the Lyrics!, Double Exposure, Dr. Steve-O, Dream Job, Dress My Nest, Driving Force, Eco-Challenge: Fiji, Eco-Challenge: New Zealand, Eddie Griffin: Going for Broke, ego trip's The (White) Rapper Show, Engaged and Underage, Estate of Panic, Ex-Wives Club, The Exterminators, Extreme Makeover, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Fake-A-Date, Fame, The Family, Family Foreman, Family Business, Family Plots, Farmer Wants a Wife, The Fashion Show, The Fashionista Diaries, Fast Cars & Superstars, Fat March, Fear Factor, Find My Family, The First 48, Flavor of Love, Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School starring Mo'Nique, Flip This House, Flipping Out, Flowers Uncut with Jeff Leatham, Fly Girls, Food Detectives, For The Love of Ray J, For Better Or For Worse, Forever Eden, For Love Or Money, Frank the Entertainer... in a Basement Affair, From G's to Gents, Funniest Mom in America, Gay, Straight or Taken?, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters Academy, Ghost Hunters International, Ghost Lab, Gimme My Reality Show!, The Girls Next Door, Giuliana & Bill, Giving Hope, Gone Country, Gone Too Far, Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live, Grease: You're the One That I Want, Great American Road Trip, Greatest American Dog, Growing Up Gotti, Hammertime, Hard Knocks, Harlem Heights, Have Fork, Will Travel, Heli-Loggers, Hell Date, Hell's Kitchen, Here Come the Newlyweds, He's A Lady, Hey Paula, HGTV Design Star, High School Musical: Summer Session, High School Reunion, High Society, The Hills, Hit Me Baby One More Time, Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive, Hogan Knows Best, Hole in the Wall, Holly's World, Holmes on Homes, Homeland Security USA, Hooked Up, Hope for Your Home, Hopkins, Househusbands of Hollywood, House Rules, How to Look Good Naked, Howie Do It, Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling, I Can Make You Thin, I Get That A Lot, I Love Money, I Love New York, I Propose, I Survived a Japanese Game Show, I Wanna Be a Soap Star, I Want To Be A Hilton, I Want to Work for Diddy, I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, I'm From Rolling Stone, I've Got Nothing to Wear, Ice Road Truckers, The Imploders, In Harm's Way, In Search of the Partridge Family, Intervention, Into the Unknown with Josh Bernstein, Invasion Iowa, Iron Chef America, The It Factor, Jackass, The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, Jersey Shore, Jesse James Is A Dead Man, Jingles, Joe Millionaire, The Joe Schmo Show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kell on Earth, Kendra, Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design, Kid Nation, Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane, King of Cars, King of the Crown, Kirstie Alley's Big Life, Kitchen Nightmares, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, LA Ink, Lady or a Tramp, Laguna Beach, Last Comic Standing, Last One Standing, The Last Resort, Launch My Line, The Law Firm, Leave it to Lamas, Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods, Let's Dance, Life of Ryan, The Little Couple, Little Miss Perfect, Little People, Big World, The Littlest Groom, Live for the Moment, Living Lohan, Liza & David, The Locator, Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska, Losing It With Jillian, Love Cruise, Love Shack, Luke's Parental Advisory, Mad Mad House, Make Me a Supermodel, Making It Home: Greensburg, Making Menudo, Making News: Texas Style, Making The Band, Mall Cops: Mall of America, Man vs. Wild, Manhunt, Manhunters, Married By America, Master of Dance, Masterchef, Maui Fever, Meerkat Manor, Meet Mister Mom, Meet My Folks, Meet The Barkers, Megan Wants a Millionaire, Miami Social, The Michael Vick Project, Million Dollar Listing, The Millionaire Matchmaker, Minute to Win It, Miracle Workers, Miss America: Reality Check, Model Citizens, Models NYC, Models of the Runway, The Mole, The Moment of Truth, Momma's Boys, Monster Garage, More to Love, Moving Up, Mr. Personality, Mr. Romance, Murder, Murder in Small Town X, Must Love Kids, My Antonio, My Big Redneck Wedding, My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, My Super Sweet 16, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, My Fair Brady, My Life Is A Sitcom, Mythbusters, Nanny 911, NASCAR in Primetime , Nashville, Nashville Star, National Bingo Night, New York Goes to Hollywood, Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County, The Next Best Thing, The Next Food Network Star, The Next Great American Band, The Next Iron Chef, Next Action Star, The Next Great Champ, The Next Joe Millionaire, No Boundaries, No Opportunity Wasted, NYC Prep, Obsessed, Omarosa's Ultimate Merger, The One: Making a Music Star, One Big Happy Family, One Ocean View, The One Who Got Away, On The Lot, Oprah's Big Give, The Osbournes, Our Little Genius, Outback Jack, Outsider's Inn, P. Diddy's Starmaker, Pageant Place, Pam: Girl on the Loose, Pantry Raid, The Paper, Paradise Hotel, Paranormal Cops, Paranormal State, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, Parking Wars, The Partner, Party Monsters: Cabo, The People's Court, Pepsi Play for a Billion, Perfect Match: New York, Performing As..., Phenomenon, The Pick-Up Artist, Pimp My Ride, Pirate Master, Pitchmen, The Player, Playing It Straight, Police Women of Broward County, PoweR Girls, Prankville, The Price of Beauty, The Principal's Office, Private Chefs of Beverly Hills, Project Greenlight, Project Runway, Property Ladder, Punk'd, Push Nevada, Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll, Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, Queer Eye For The Straight Girl, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, R U The Girl With T-Boz & Chilli, Race To The Altar, The Rachel Zoe Project, Raw Nature, Real Chance of Love: Back in the Saddle, The Real Gilligan's Island, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Real Housewives of D.C., The Real Housewives of New Jersey, The Real Housewives of New York City, The Real Housewives of Orange County, The Real Roseanne Show, The Real Wedding Crashers, The Real World: Austin, The Real World: Back to New York, The Real World: Boston, The Real World: Brooklyn, The Real World: Chicago, The Real World: Hollywood, The Real World: Key West, The Real World: Las Vegas, The Real World: Los Angeles, The Real World: New Orleans, The Real World: New York, The Real World: Paris, The Real World: Philadelphia, The Real World: San Diego, The Real World: San Francisco, The Real World: Seattle, The Real World: Sydney, Reality Racing - The Rookie Challenge, The Rebel Billionaire, Recovery, Renovate My Family, The Restaurant, Rich Guy Poor Guy, Rich Girls, Road Rules, Road Rules: South Pacific, Road Rules: X-TREME, The Road To Stardom With Missy Elliott, Rob & Amber: Against the Odds, Rob and Big, Rob And Amber Get Married, Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels, Rock of Love Charm School with Sharon Osbourne, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, Rock the Cradle, Rock Star: INXS, Rock Star: Supernova, Rookies, Ruby, Run's House, Runaway Squad, Running in Heels, Say Yes to the Dress, Scare Tactics, The Scholar, Scott Baio is 45... And Single, Scream Queens, The Search for the Next Elvira, The Search For The Most Talented Kid In America, Second Chance: America's Most Talented Senior, The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom, Secret Millionaire, Secret Talents of the Stars, Secrets of Aspen, Seducing Cindy, Sell This House, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, Sex in the Itty Bitty City, Shaq Vs., Shaq's Big Challenge, Shark Tank, She's Got the Look, Shear Genius, Shipmates, Shooting Sizemore, The Simple Life, The Sing-Off, The Singing Bee, The Singing Office, Skating With Celebrities, Smash Lab, Snoop Dogg's Father Hood, So You Think You Can Dance, Solitary, Sorority Life, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search, The Springer Hustle, The Stagers, The Starlet, Star Search, Starting Over, Step It Up & Dance, Steven Seagal: Lawman, Storm Chasers, Street Customs, Style Her Famous, Stylista, Sunday Best, Sunset Tan, Super Millionaire, Supernanny, The Superstars, Superstars of Dance, Superstar USA, Surf Girls, The Surreal Life, The Surreal Life: Fame Games, Survivor: Borneo, Survivor: The Australian Outback, Survivor: Africa, Survivor: Marquesas, Survivor: Thailand, Survivor: The Amazon, Survivor: Pearl Islands, Survivor: All Stars, Survivor: Vanuatu, Survivor: Palau, Survivor: Guatemala, Survivor: Panama, Survivor: Cook Islands, Survivor: Fiji, Survivor: China, Survivor: Micronesia, Survivor: Gabon, Survivor: Tocantins, Survivor: Samoa, Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains, Survivorman, The Swan, Tabatha's Salon Takeover, Table For 12, Tacky House, Take Home Nanny, Taquita & Kaui, Taxicab Confessions, Teen Mom, Temptation Island, Thank God You're Here, That's Amore, There Goes the Neighborhood, There's Something About Miriam, Thintervention with Jackie Warner, 'Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave, Tim Gunn's Guide to Style, Toddlers and Tiaras, Todd TV, Tommy Lee Goes To College, Tontine, Tool Academy, Top Chef,Top Chef Miami, Top Chef Masters ,Top Chef: Just Desserts, Top Chef: Las Vegas, Top Chef: New York, Top Design, Top Gear, Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, Tori & Dean: Inn Love, Tough as Nails, Tough Love, Tough Enough, Toughest Race on Earth: Iditarod, Trading Spaces, Trading Spouses, Treasure Quest, Treasure Hunters, Trick It Out, Trick My Truck, Trick My Trucker, Trista & Ryan's Wedding, True Beauty, Tuesday Night Book Club, Twentyfourseven, The Two Coreys, Two-A-Days, Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge, UFO Hunters, Ultimate Cake Off, The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search, Ultimate Recipe Showdown, Unan1mous, Undercover Boss, Under One Roof, Varsity Inc., Victoria Beckham: Coming to America, The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, Viva La Bam, Walk the Lion, Wanna Bet, WCG Ultimate Gamer, The Weakest Link, Welcome to the Parker, Welcome To The Neighborhood, Whale Wars, What Not To Wear, When Women Rule the World, While You Were Out, Who Are You Wearing?, Who's Your Daddy?, Who Wants to be a Superhero?, Who Wants To Marry My Dad?, Wickedly Perfect, Wife Mom Bounty Hunter, Wife Swap, The Will, Will Work for Food, Wipeout, Work of Art: The Next Great Artist, Work Out, World Idol, Worst Case Scenario, Worst Cooks in America, Wreckreation Nation, The X Factor, Your Mama Don't Dance

...and I'm sorry if I missed a couple.

No doubt that the celebrities these shows center around are grateful for the exposure, but I sure ain't. Grateful, that is.

The Kardashians, The Osbournes, The Hogans, The Beckhams, The Jacksons, The Coreys, the meerkats...did we really need to find out every single tiny stupid detail of their shallow lives on a weekly basis?

Oh here, I'll answer that...NO.

It is not entertainment to see people (or celebrities, either/or) implode on television: what is the theory here, that watching individuals or entire family units with more dysfunctions than your own family is supposed to boost the viewer's self-esteem? If that were the case, then America would be the most well-adjusted country on Earth - and ironically we'd then have to look elsewhere as a country for our programming.

And since we all know damn well we're not a well-adjusted country, I don't think that scenario's ever going to pan out.

You want to see the best example of what I'm saying? Look at this:

The Marriage Ref.

Really? A show where couples with seriously debilitating problems in their marriage air their dirty laundry on national television in front of a live studio audience, and Jerry Seinfeld, and a bunch of his celebrity pals, all of whom guffaw, bray and crack wise at the expense of said couples and their respective predicaments?

I do believe I have found the reality TV equivalent of My Mother The Car.

This is the kind of show that makes me cringe: what, seriously, was NBC, Seinfeld (who produces this thing) and the programming geniuses behind this sure-to-be debacle thinking? That this was brilliant programming? It isn't. That they would seriously be helping people? They aren't. That they can make people laugh at the suffering of others more than they already do? Like humanity needs more incentive for that....

This was solely and arbitrarily made for a quick advertising buck and NBC hoping and praying that the classic Seinfeld show magic would strike again. Period.

You know what? The only two people who have a career after Seinfeld are Larry David (thanks to Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Julia Louis-Dreyfus (thanks to The New Adventures of Old Christine)...and they had to go to different networks for those careers! What does THAT tell ya??!

Ask yourself, though: do you really want to see a show where people have problems (no matter how silly they may seem) threatening their union and have to put up with this at the same time:

JERRY SEINFELD: So, I mean hey, these guys lasted this long while she flosses her teeth in bed? I mean hey, at least she doesn't use a Water Pic, am I right here?

(Kelly Ripa laughs uncontrollably)

(Alec Baldwin makes a goofy face)

JERRY SEINFELD: I mean, hey!

Spare me; if this lasts longer than a season I'll be very surprised. If it lasts till summer, I'll be even more surprised. And if it isn't replaced in a few months by reruns of ER, I'll be stunned.

This is just the tip of the iceberg here, folks; television needs to have more going for it than what we have. Time was when the introduction of J. Fred Muggs on The Today Show was a cute little gimmick. Nowadays, J. Fred Muggs is a programming demographic.

There'll be more observations on this in the future. For now, let's just hope that Michael Richards doesn't head up a show called The Race Relations Expert.

Dope out.

- TGWD

"Hit Me Baby One More Time" - The TV Show!

Anyone else remember this? UK show brought over here around 2005-2006 or so? 80's groups/singers brought back on TV to sing for the charities of their choice? Anyone?

How bad am I anymore? I reviewed this show when it was first on the air and I completely forgot it until I came across an old archived page from The Agony Booth forums, a place I usually lurk.

Anyways, just so I can share with you the "joy and happiness" (that's sarcasm, actually) this experience brought to me, I will now reprint my meanderings about this TV show here for your perusal. And if Agony Booth has any copyrights on this, I didn't know; I wrote it first so hey, you know - live and let live, huh guys?

Last year, I think it was...the year my soul died, my brain cried out and my very heart was crushed with a sledgehammer. Twice.

You no doubt remember the summer TV series entitled "Hit Me Baby One More Time", which promised a return to the (TV) stage of the big hit music acts of your (or my) teen years. Only this time, as a kind of phone-in contest, to show which of these one- (or two-) hit wonders survived the ravages of age, hard-living and excess to still preserve their talent. And it was intriguing: seeing performances from old favorites from my youth and to have a chance to relive the aural memories I held so dear. A Flock of Seagulls, Loverboy, Tiffany, Tommy Tutone...how could it miss?

My friends, it not only missed, but flew fifty miles over its target, sailed out to sea and sank a boatload of nuns and orphans.

First off, if you're a hit singer and plan to be on television some 20-25 years after the fact, you'd better be sure of two things: that you don't show the ill effects of your hard-rocking' past life and that YOU CAN STILL SING.

When I first saw Loverboy (or Mike Reno, at least) take the stage and sing "Working for the Weekend", I was aghast; he looks like he gained fifty pounds, lost half his hair, and...this was the clincher...remember the old MTV videos and how Reno bobbed in place when he sang? He still did it, only his added weight made his voice jolt with each point of impact, forcing his wavering voice to be further distorted. My heart sank in despair while watching him try to act like he was still fit and trim and pretend it was still 1981. But maybe A Flock Of Seagulls would improve things?

No. Seagulls' lead singer Michael Score (all that remained of the group, apparently - unless one of them turned into a heavy Hispanic guy) sang a completely out-of-tune rendition of "I Ran (So Far Away)" and constant close-ups of his splotchy, sagging face and practically bald head (any fans out there remember that funky hairdo he had that seemed to go every which way?) made me pine for the good old days, when he actually stayed on key.

Tiffany was on the same show; remember her redux of "I Think We're Alone Now", and how she was discovered singing at shopping mall concerts and how she was being touted as 'the next Madonna'? From the moment she stepped out on stage dressed in the same clothes she wore back in 1987 but now looking more like a schlump housewife who raided her daughter's dresser, it was all downhill as her voice cracked and whined through her signature song.

That particular episode was won by Arrested Development, a group I'd never listened to before but admittedly was more laid-back and comfortable in their abilities than the aforementioned were. I was happy for them, of course, but thought that at least these people probably kept in practice more, too.

But the damage had been done; I was reminded of a concert held in town back the early '80s by Stevie Nicks when she was touring to promote "Bella Donna". But the bad part was - she had laryngitis, making it sound like she was lip-synching "Bea Arthur's Greatest Hits" instead. Imagine how disheartened a die-hard Nicks fan would have been to have spent their money, fought their way through a crowded auditorium, found a seat as close as humanly possible and was hoping for the experience of a lifetime, only to be faced with something...less. I mean, it's still Stevie and she's up there giving it her all, but still....

That's what it was like for me to watch "Hit Me Baby One More Time". I couldn't bring myself to watch any further episodes (even with the added lure of seeing Howard Jones, The Knack, Greg Kihn, The Hotels and Juice Newton in the offing). And it's probably a good thing, seeing that it only lasted five episodes. Maybe it was as hard for a studio audience to bear witness to these poor saps trying to relive their (LONG) past glories as it was for the fast-waning Nielsen families to.

But if nothing else, "HMBOMT" at least gave you an excuse to bring out your old CDs and relive your jukebox heroes - in a GOOD way.

Bert and Ernie: Creatures of the Street (NSFW)

Many of you out there may not know this, but popular Sesame Street residents Bert and Ernie have a deep, dark secret that they've kept from all of us for years. But only now, in this enlightened day and age, can we now reveal these two for what they really are and how they relate to each other.

Yes, it's true:

They are hardcore rap artists.

...

What? What were you thinking?

...

Anyway, here's mad proof of their skillz as they shout out to their homies in the hood. Y'all.


(...oh, and needless to say, NSFW due to language. Bert, Ernie: shame on you.)



I know, I know...I was shocked, too. But hey, at least it wasn't
Bert and Ernie playing out a scene from Casino.



Oh.

Dope out.

-TGWD

Old School Reviewin' - Siskel and Ebert Style!

As many of you (I'm guessing), I used to love watching the old "Sneak Previews" PBS show (emanating as it did from WTTW, Chicago), and seeing Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert
go at it with certain movies,/plot points/etc.

...so imagine my surprise and delight when I found the opening and closing of one particular episode of this old-time fave show, complete with the old theme and everything. I'm sure those of you who are around my age (and no, I ain't tellin') who remember this show and watched it as regularly as did I will find endless delight in what you'rte about to see.

And if you do, bless you.

Here's the opening...



And here's the closing.



And no, I don't think that Richard Roeper does as good a job as Siskel did (Sorry, Rich.)

Now THIS is a show I'd pay top dollar to get on DVD!

Dope out.

-TGWD

OH MY FREAKIN' GOD!!!

Sorry, I know it's been awhile, but I had to post this just to vent my innate outrage at the whole idea of....

Well, first, just watch the video; I'll meet you on the other side.



Now, let's get the obvious out of the way: THIS IS A BAD $%#!$ IDEA FOR A VIDEO GAME.

It ranks right up there with the arcade game they came up with in the late '70s where you drove over little digital guys and they turned into gravestones. Of course, nowadays, such outrage is apparently misplaced because, hey, it's only a video game.

Heck, I used to think that myself...back when I was a kid and I knew no better. Now with the benefit of age and the awareness that there are nutcases out there that imitate EVERYTHING they see in video games (remember "Doom"?) who just salivate at the thought of honing their "people-killing" skills with games like that. Keep in mind I'm not an alarmist, but this is just plain irresponsibility of society as a whole that a product like this not only can be made, but also has a built-in audience.

What do we have to look forward to next month: a game based on killing babies? Concentration camps? Come on; I'm sure we can think of something really tasteless to convince kids/teens that it would make a cool video game.

Sheesh. Frickin' damned idiots.

Okay, that's all I had to say. Stupid idiot game makers.

Dope out.

-TGWD

Remembrance Of TV (Not-That-Long) Past...

I had to share this: what I'm about to show you is something that will probably make many of you sad, teary-eyed even, but watch it anyway:

What the Sci-Fi Channel USED to show.



Oh, stop crying, will you; it's embarrassing.

Dope out.

-TGWD

Back To The Satellite Of Love...

Yes, you have to put up with more clips from my fave show of all time: "Mystery Science Theater 3000". I've gotten more than one complaint from people who don't like this show for some ungodly reasons that make no sense.

So I am showing these clips to satiate my own love for this show...AND to tick off the MST-haters out there. Ha!

So here are some choice shorts from this great show. First is "Catching Trouble"...



Next is "A Day At The Fair" (REALLY good one, this is)...



And we wrap it up with "A Case Of Spring Fever".



See, they're funny! This show is funny. Take THAT, you MST-haters!

Dope out.

-TGWD

Remember Gene Kelly Breakdancing?

Well, who knew that Audrey Hepburn liked AC-DC?



Wow.

Dope out.

-TGWD

A Brand New Urban Legend...?

Okay, anyone who attends this blog regularly knows of both my fondness for Star Wars (demonstrated not even one posting ago...DUH) and for The Star Wars Holiday Special. But, listen to this....

Just recently I came across this video which is purportredly supposed to have been a commercial shown within the animated part of the SWHP (courtesy of Nelvana). Now, I remember watching the special a long time ago (blah blah blah) but no so this little commercial.

It's not that I deny their presentation of this video, but from the looks of it, they at least have the look of the animated segment matched with the clip - heck, even the sound matches up pretty close.

Judge for yourself.



And remember: wasting electricity turns people off.

Dope out.

-TGWD

The Dead Walk Amongst Us...

...and they are selling popcorn.



Just sharing.

Dope out.

-TGWD

An Important MST3K Announcement...

I presently own over 130 episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

...

I just...felt that had to be said.

...

Oh, watch this - willya??
(And my apologies to anyone reading this from Canada)


And yes, you'll probably have to put up with another one of these MST3K things again, sooner or later.

Dope out, eh?

-TGWD

Buy Old Spice...NOW!

And why, you may ask, would I be so adamant about some stupid after shave?

Because, dear heart, neither 'Lectric Shave nor Drakkar have a spokesman as cool as THIS ONE....



Don't hesitate. Buy Old Spice. Now. Go.

Dope out.

-TGWD

A Search For Something Long Gone...

A friend of mine who reads my blog (one of the seven, I guess) asked me if I could post something from the mid-'80s era of PBS school-time programming called "Colorsounds", which played popular music videos of the day, done their way.

Alas, I could find nothing. Sorry.

But as a consolation prize, here's a clip from another PBS show, "Sesame Street". It's about the letter B...I think.



Again, sorry...maybe somebody else reading this can steer me (and my friend) in the right direction? Let's hear it, you other six readers.

Dope out.

-TGWD