Movies You've Never Heard Of - A NEW FEATURE!

Okay, kids; time for another new segment on the ol' MBZ and this time, I think it's time for a shake-up.

I talk about bad movies all of the time and no one thinks twice about it. Fine; that I can live with. So how about we talk about some films that have a twist to them this time around...

How about movies that only a small fraction of you have even heard of?

A lot of movies were released in the VHS glut of the Eighties, just in the anticipation of "hey, if it doesn't make a lot in theaters, we can always recoup when we get released on video!". This is a train of thought that carries on to this day, natch. But it was ever-so-prevalent in this time period because, wouldn't you know it, not every producer took into consideration the fact that their movie would not do well on video rentals if it stunk bad enough in theaters.

But to video it came...and went. Usually in less than two or three months. Then it would be sitting there, collecting dust on the rental store shelf, its cover fading in the sun to a bluish-turquoise hue that all of those video covers eventually turned. Can I get an "amen", brothers and sisters?

Thank you.

And now to my first choice:

1) The Virgin Queen Of St. Francis High (1987)

director: Francesco Lucente / writer: Francesco Lucente / actors: Joseph R. Straface, Stacy Christensen, J.T. Wotton

In the history of Porky's-themed ripoffs we as a race had gotten thrown upon us since Bob Clark's game-changer, so many other versions have been made that it's a losing battle trying to catalog them. There's a lot, let's just say - and they're all pretty much the same.

This movie, however, coming as Porky's did from the sunny shores of Canada, gave us yet ANOTHER story about ANOTHER group of teens who have thoughts about sex and have ANOTHER slapstick series of misadventures...but this time there's a twist.

These kids are all really teenagers. Not college students pretending to be teenagers, but TEENAGERS.

Not that this helps the acting; I still felt like I was watching the neighborhood kids with a video camera.

Unfortunately, they are also stuck doing a script that is so dumb and so out of the game as far as laughs, sex, or even the prerequisite nudity expected in such films goes (these ARE teenagers, after all - my goodness, you want nude teens, you child molesters, you???) that it was barely a blip on the radar.

A few scant TV ads later. late at night on the USA Network , and it was gone. I don't think it even showed at any theaters in MY neck of the woods - heck...we even got Inchon shown here, but not The Virgin Queen Of St. Francis High? What's wrong with THIS picture?

Still, it's not like it's the best picture to watch. In fact, go watch it now and see if I'm wrong. It's on YouTube right now. Go look it up and watch it yourself. Coward! Double-dog-dare ya! Go on!

That's all for this installment. I'll see what I can scratch up the next time...just as a warning, it won't be a good one.

Gee, I feel like I'm doing a spot for the Ad Council.

Dope out.

- TGWD