A View To A Kill (1985)

Never mind the fact that I am mad at the world right now and would like to seriously hurt about 8 or 10 people - even if I had perfect karma, just won a million dollars and felt like a 20 year-old, health-wise, I would still be spewing venom at my subject for today because it is, quite seriously, the absolute worst movie I have ever seen in my life.

And without any of the redeeming qualities I find so dear in bad movies, this doesn't even get the benefit of the doubt. There won't be any of my usual "oh, but THIS part was good" or "Oh, but THAT actor was okay" stuff here. This is the absolute worst of the worst of the worst.

And do you want to know the really bad part about this movie? If they had just left well-enough alone two years prior to the release of this thing and never made this, Roger Moore would unequivocally be the best-remembered of the James Bonds.

In 1983, MGM/UA released the 13th Bond film Octopussy. In spite of its snicker-inducing moniker, this was a fast-paced, action-packed spy film with lots of spectacular stunt work, a dazzling amount of spy gadgets and ingenious ideas, not to mention one of Roger Moore's most charming performances as Agent 007. Add to that a sexy performance by Maud Adams as the femme fatale of the piece and a winning role by tennis pro Vijay Amritraj as a Bond ally.

...but no; a gravy train is a gravy train is a gravy train and they had to squeeze one more performance out of Moore before Albert "Cubby" Broccoli and company would let him go. And so it came to be that they concocted one more script for Moore to go through his spy game with. Only problem was this was also the first film that did NOT use the Ian Fleming books as a spring board. Oh sure, it was the title of a short-story by Fleming, but despite an element here or there, there is no evidence of Ian Fleming's handiwork or train of thought herein.

A View to a Kill, besides being a stupid title for a movie anyway, is an even stupider idea for a James Bond film because, first and foremost, it takes away every winning thing about a Bond movie and replaces it with things we've seen a million times before done a million times better, and other ideas that are just plain stupid.

Let's talk about the script: it was written by Richard Maibaum and Michael G. Wilson, both of whom had worked on prior adaptations of Bond films from Fleming books, but here simply cobbled together elements that were familiar from other lesser spy movies, slapped the James Bond label on them and tried passing them off. This film deals with microchips being developed by a megalomaniac tyrant named Zorin (Christopher Walken, of all people) who determines to destroy Silicon Valley and rule the world, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs be damned.

Of course, to throw several red herrings in along the way, there are boring subplots involving fixed horse races, biological engineering and mad German scientists, not to mention Russian agents who are introduced as arbitrarily as they are dropped again. And do you know what? Not a one of these damned bargain-basement subplots have one thing or another to do with the movie or its stupid plot - they just kill time until the next would-be show-stopping set piece.

Never has a car chase through crowded streets in Paris been so uninteresting or so contrived, right down to the Parisian cab that slowly crumbles apart as it is crashed hither and yon. Speaking of which, I doubt very many cars could be driven with their back end ripped off. And how bad does a movie have to be when it can't even make a life-or-death chase up the length of the Eiffel Tower exciting or even interesting?

Even as Bond hangs for dear life off the end of a runaway fire engine, or clings to the tow cable of a blimp and is dragged across the tops of skyscrapers, it's all you can do to squint and try and avoid the cuts to stunt people and not notice the forced comedy bits during the action. They were much more seamless in Octopussy, or even in The Spy Who Loved Me, for that matter. Not here; you can practically hear the cackling of Cubby Broccoli as he delights in the clever antics they put Bond through. My only thought was: they're gonna kill Roger Moore - he's too old for this stuff!

If only they were as clever by half as Maibaum and Wilson thought they were. If only this weren't as piece meal an effort as it looked.

Yeah, this movie goes from Iceland to England to France to the United States but, unlike its globe-hopping betters, A View to a Kill really doesn't take any time to make any of its locales the least bit interesting; it's all sets and backdrops for feigned spy games.

Now, to the cast. I've already mentioned Roger Moore and the age factor - yes, his years actually caught up with him here. His action scenes aren't all that actionful. The sex scenes with pretty ladies are cringe-worthy. The one word that I came away from this film with concerning Roger Moore was: tired. He was so tired, his performance was lazy and he simply looked bored to death doing every single scene; at times it was like he couldn't be bothered acting with anybody - he just wanted it to all be over with.

I could sympathize.

Then there's the matter of Tanya Roberts. Former model and "Charlie's Angel", not to mention lead character in 1984's Sheena, Roberts is no actress. She has the charisma and expressive qualities of a mannequin and isn't a shade on the likes of Honor Blackman or Barbara Bach, for that matter.

Oh, but we must mention the villains of the piece: as the evil Zorin, Christopher Walken gives one of the most stiff performances of his career. This was originally intended as a role for David Bowie (who declined) and Walken, made up with blond hair and pale features, at least looks somewhat like David Bowie. When it comes to a menacing villain, he did much better at that in many other movies. Here, he just imitates a nervous David Bowie. That's it.

And Grace Jones...this was the second year in a row that she had a big part in a major movie. The year before she stood alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan The Destroyer (one of my favorite films) as a fierce Amazonian warrior. Here as Zorin's hench-woman May Day, Grace is too subdued, too bland, not really very intimidating. She just isn't Grace Jones-ish enough.

It's been said that she and Moore didn't get along very well during shooting. No wonder: one didn't really want to be there and the other was more used to getting wild and crazy. Neither one was getting what they wanted - why should they be happy?

I have to take a moment to give shouts out to Lois Maxwell (Moneypenny), Desmond Llewellyn (Q) and Walter Gotell (Russian General Gogol); all regular fixtures in this series and enough to elicit a smile of recognition at least when they come on-screen. In the case of A View to a Kill, however, they don't give the same joy as before. It's as if their performances are just token gestures - they're just...there. Sad, especially since this would be the beloved Maxwell's last take as Moneypenny.

This movie is such a poor example of a James Bond film, in fact, there aren't even any good gadgets! I mean, what the hell; everyone remembers the cool gadgets that Bond got from Q to use against the bad guys and all. Here, all Bond has are:

* An electronic lock-picking credit card,

* A razor that detects planted bugs,

* Sunglasses that allow you to see through tinted windows,

* A cigarette case that makes copies,

* A ring camera.

...and that's all he gets.

And they are all used rather arbitrarily - Q doesn't even get to introduce them; Bond just takes them out of his pocket as needed.

In fact, Q doesn't do much of anything here. All he does is play with a little RC car/robot and give a grade-school level explanation of how computer microchips work. I usually enjoy it when the technology described in a Bond movie is more advanced than I can comprehend. With A View to a Kill, I felt kind of gypped that everything Q was saying I'd heard before.

That's really angering, the way A View to a Kill takes away everything you ever loved about a James Bond movie and replaces it with a script that would be contrived as a made-for-TV movie. Even Robert Vaughn would hesitate at being involved with this.

This is not James Bond. This is not exciting. This is not a good spy movie. This is not even basic entertainment. This is not even worth the commercial interruptions it would get on TV.

If Ian Fleming were alive today, he would sue Cubby Broccoli (if Cubby were alive today) for every penny he had because of this. Or at least punch him dead in the face.

If you haven't seen A View to a Kill, don't. If you have seen A View to a Kill recently, quick; watch From Russia with Love to cleanse your palate.

And if you see A View to a Kill on DVD for real cheap and are wondering if you should buy it, by all means do.

A View to a Kill's DVD makes for a great drink coaster.

As far as a movie experience goes...you'd be better off watching a documentary featuring a freshly-painted wall.

That wall would have far more talent than Tanya Roberts, anyway.