Many of you have probably noticed a pattern in certain actors and/or actresses. You know, ones who seem to pop up in various venues but are just simply deadweight; ones that appear in movies and TV series that are seemingly doomed from the get-go. Oh, there's other actors, directors and writers involved (GOOD ones, too) with that same project but it's that one person that seemingly pulls everyone else down into a vortex of misery and ocular pain that nothing, not even talent, can escape. And it happens so regularly when that particular person is involved that it cannot be written off as merely a coincidence. No, this delves much deeper than that. That person is...
HOLLYWOOD'S MODERN DAY KISS OF DEATH
And so, who is this titular individual? Paris Hilton? Come on, that's too easy. Ben Affleck? Naw - he was fine in Good Will Hunting and has some other good projects in his portfolio. Uwe Boll, maybe? Maybe, but at least he's built up good will amongst the bad movie fans of the world with his good-natured attitude towards his admittedly bad work.
No, the person of which I speak has actually had a career as far back as 1990 and, in spite of her longevity and her track record, continues to inexplicably get work. And truth be told, the evidence against her is damning. The person I'm talking about is....
...Paula Marshall.
And so, who is this titular individual? Paris Hilton? Come on, that's too easy. Ben Affleck? Naw - he was fine in Good Will Hunting and has some other good projects in his portfolio. Uwe Boll, maybe? Maybe, but at least he's built up good will amongst the bad movie fans of the world with his good-natured attitude towards his admittedly bad work.
No, the person of which I speak has actually had a career as far back as 1990 and, in spite of her longevity and her track record, continues to inexplicably get work. And truth be told, the evidence against her is damning. The person I'm talking about is....
...Paula Marshall.
Yes, this is the most prolific KOD that Hollywood's seen in quite some time. Even worse than Marion Davies, who brought down William Randolph Hearst. Worse than Yoko Ono, who broke up The Beatles. Sure, she looks innocent enough (aside from that sneery glare that shoots through you like icicles on an Arctic morning), but behind that face is a story that has ruined many a career, a film and TV show.
As the man said, facts don't lie. So let's just look at the facts:
MOVIES
Yes, she's been in several, but they have been ones that have not done well either A) money-wise, B) because they were on the waning end of a franchise or C) because they were after-thoughs in the careers of the bigger stars who were headliners and, in the end, did themselves no favors, either.
No one can deny this. Here's the biggest examples...
* Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992) - Yes, I know the series is still around, but it never recovered after this third installment, which really played fast and loose with the theories and notion of Hell. Marshall played someone who ended up a Cenobite; nothing special.
* Warlock: The Armageddon (1993) - Don't remember much about the Warlock movies after this. When Marshall's performance makes you yearn for the subtle nuance of Lori Singer in the first movie, something is definitely wrong.
* That Old Feeling (1997) - The whiny daughter of virtuoso actors like Bette Midler and Dennis Farina should call for someone who doesn't grate on the nerves with her petulance. But this manages to sink not only Midler And Farina's efforts, but also the work of actors David Rasche and Gail O'Grady, director Carl Reiner and writer Leslie Dixon. Too bad; this one should have been a winner, but it wasn't. Again...coincidence?
* Cheaper By The Dozen (2003) - Playing the shrew wife of the usually affable Alan Ruck, Marshall does nobody any favors and actually makes one cringe whenever she's on camera. As far as the rest of the movie, which is a remake of a far-better classic, this is just another example of the dumbing-down of Steve Martin for modern "sensibilities". And in that context, Marshall fits in rather well.
Now, moving on to...
TELEVISION
Look this up if you want to, but there is no TV series in which Marshall has had a starring role which has lasted more than one season. Blame that on what you will, but don't you think this is more than a mere coincidental occurrence? Maybe they could have lasted more than a season with someone other than her as the featured female, who knows? All I know is that there is more going on here than just plain bad television.
Here's the full list:
* "Wild Oats" (1994)
* "Chicago Sons" (1997)
* "Cupid" (1998) - And THIS despite having super-talented Jeremy Piven as the title character. I just don't understand....
* "Snoops" (1999) - With Gina Gershon, no less, as the featured attraction.
* "Cursed" (2000) - Anything with Chris Elliott is worth watching...ususally.
* "Hidden Hills" (2002)
And there's even series in which Marshall had only a one-or-two-shot role in that bellied up after one season....
* "True Blue" (1989)
* "Mancuso, FBI" (1989)
* "Grapevine" (1992)
* "Miss Match" (2003)
...and even a series pilot named "Cooking Lessons", directed by none other than Ivan Reitman! To my knowledge, it has never even been shown!
Oh sure, there have been shows in which Marshall has had a passing part in that have lasted more than one season ("Superboy", "Life Goes On", "Nash Bridges", "Diagnosis Murder", "Spin City"), which can only be attributed to having established good acting and writing on series that have staying power - a power than cannot be toppled by one person. The others? well....
Look, I'm not trying to start a fight or nothing. All I'm saying is that if people are going to make movies and TV shows, why tempt fate? Look at the facts, review history, go over the pertinent data. Go with what works, don't go out trying to prove the facts wrong - it just isn't worth it.
And Paula: if you (on an off-chance) happen to be reading this; please don't take any of what you see here the wrong way, but you know in your heart of hearts that all of this is true. Cannot be denied. None of it. So please cut your losses, take an early retirement, enjoy your family. You've earned it. Really.
-TGWD
As the man said, facts don't lie. So let's just look at the facts:
MOVIES
Yes, she's been in several, but they have been ones that have not done well either A) money-wise, B) because they were on the waning end of a franchise or C) because they were after-thoughs in the careers of the bigger stars who were headliners and, in the end, did themselves no favors, either.
No one can deny this. Here's the biggest examples...
* Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992) - Yes, I know the series is still around, but it never recovered after this third installment, which really played fast and loose with the theories and notion of Hell. Marshall played someone who ended up a Cenobite; nothing special.
* Warlock: The Armageddon (1993) - Don't remember much about the Warlock movies after this. When Marshall's performance makes you yearn for the subtle nuance of Lori Singer in the first movie, something is definitely wrong.
* That Old Feeling (1997) - The whiny daughter of virtuoso actors like Bette Midler and Dennis Farina should call for someone who doesn't grate on the nerves with her petulance. But this manages to sink not only Midler And Farina's efforts, but also the work of actors David Rasche and Gail O'Grady, director Carl Reiner and writer Leslie Dixon. Too bad; this one should have been a winner, but it wasn't. Again...coincidence?
* Cheaper By The Dozen (2003) - Playing the shrew wife of the usually affable Alan Ruck, Marshall does nobody any favors and actually makes one cringe whenever she's on camera. As far as the rest of the movie, which is a remake of a far-better classic, this is just another example of the dumbing-down of Steve Martin for modern "sensibilities". And in that context, Marshall fits in rather well.
Now, moving on to...
TELEVISION
Look this up if you want to, but there is no TV series in which Marshall has had a starring role which has lasted more than one season. Blame that on what you will, but don't you think this is more than a mere coincidental occurrence? Maybe they could have lasted more than a season with someone other than her as the featured female, who knows? All I know is that there is more going on here than just plain bad television.
Here's the full list:
* "Wild Oats" (1994)
* "Chicago Sons" (1997)
* "Cupid" (1998) - And THIS despite having super-talented Jeremy Piven as the title character. I just don't understand....
* "Snoops" (1999) - With Gina Gershon, no less, as the featured attraction.
* "Cursed" (2000) - Anything with Chris Elliott is worth watching...ususally.
* "Hidden Hills" (2002)
And there's even series in which Marshall had only a one-or-two-shot role in that bellied up after one season....
* "True Blue" (1989)
* "Mancuso, FBI" (1989)
* "Grapevine" (1992)
* "Miss Match" (2003)
...and even a series pilot named "Cooking Lessons", directed by none other than Ivan Reitman! To my knowledge, it has never even been shown!
Oh sure, there have been shows in which Marshall has had a passing part in that have lasted more than one season ("Superboy", "Life Goes On", "Nash Bridges", "Diagnosis Murder", "Spin City"), which can only be attributed to having established good acting and writing on series that have staying power - a power than cannot be toppled by one person. The others? well....
Look, I'm not trying to start a fight or nothing. All I'm saying is that if people are going to make movies and TV shows, why tempt fate? Look at the facts, review history, go over the pertinent data. Go with what works, don't go out trying to prove the facts wrong - it just isn't worth it.
And Paula: if you (on an off-chance) happen to be reading this; please don't take any of what you see here the wrong way, but you know in your heart of hearts that all of this is true. Cannot be denied. None of it. So please cut your losses, take an early retirement, enjoy your family. You've earned it. Really.
-TGWD
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