Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn (1983)

The first 3D movie I ever saw was Gorilla at Large. And the only reason I saw it was because so much was made of the fact that it was being shown on our local TV station at the time and we got our cheap cardboard 3D glasses at the grocery store as we checked out, so we had no excuse not to watch it.

Then the magic night came, we put on our glasses, turned on our TV, watched the little 5-minute promo before the movie to show us how to properly wear our 3D glasses, then the movie came on.

It wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

So why do I even mention it? Because there is no better lead-in I can think of to a review of a 3D movie than to discuss what it is that is supposed to make 3D so great.

"Because it immerses you in the story," some say.

"Because it feels like the characters can reach right out and touch you," even more say.

"Because it's the only way some producers can sell their cheap little flick," I say.

Look at the facts: from the early Fifties on, and every subsequent renaissance that three-dimensional movies ever had, 85-90% of the titles were cheap, chintzy little also-rans that barely anyone remembers.

Oh sure, there were important 3D films back in the day like Hondo and Dial M for Murder, but for each good one there were a whole mess of counter-points like Cat Women of the Moon and Robot Monster and The Bellboy and the Playgirls. Whenever Hollywood has a gimmick, man do they ever play it up.

So you can best believe when the next big renaissance of 3D movies came around in the Eighties, there were plenty of sorry examples of the "art" to be had for blue-and-red glass-wearing geeks all over.

There was furor and assorted 15 minutes of fame during this re-renaissance with films as well-known as Jaws 3-D and Friday the 13th Part 3 in 3-D, as semi-known as Comin' at Ya! and Treasure of the Four Crowns and as never-heard-of as Earl Owensby's Rottweiler. Sharks, cowboys and killer dogs. Who needs clever writing when you have all these things tumbling out of the screen and into your popcorn?

And it was during this short-lived repeat bobbing to the surface of pop culture that Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn came to be.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who remembers this movie. Nor am I the only one who admits that they saw it back in the day. I know full-well that there were other people lurking behind their anaglyph glasses in the theater at the same time.

Unlike those who hide away their cardboard frames from long ago and far away, and dutifully trot off instead to such "proper" 3D flicks as Avatar and Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, I feel it is my duty as a battle-hardened veteran of the old school to not let Metalstorm fade into obscurity. Mostly because I know it's still out there waiting to be scooped up by some callow youth, and if we forget our past, it will sneak up on us when we least expect.

So. Plot, anyone? In a distant universe, a seeker - which is a kind of glorified forest ranger for barren desert planetoids - named Dogen (Jeffrey Byron) rescues the beautiful young Dhyana (Kelly Preston) after her father is murdered by the evil Jared-Syn (Michael Preston). Dogen must then find Jared-Syn's hideout in the mysterious "Lost City", but the only person who knows where it's located is an aging, burned-out seeker named Rhodes (Tim Thomerson). Along the way, they will need to do battle against evil humanoid rusty robotical Baal (R. David Smith) and his Cyclopean minions then engage Jared-Syn in a final Metalstorm of an encounter that will take them into a dimension from which only one will return....

Now right there is a plot that almost screams at the viewer that things will be thrown at them, backgrounds will whiz by as if they were all-encompassing panoramas and, once those glasses are in place, they will feel as if they are in a galaxy far far away. Almost.

In fact, I would say it's a safe assumption that most of these 3D films of the Eighties were by and large science fiction. What better a venue where just about anything can happen and, since other-worldly things will be flying all about anyway, why not make it all in 3D?

A few things conspire to throw a 3D monkey wrench in the works, though.

First of all, we have the director and producer - a man you may have heard of. Charles Band? Know him? Know his dad? Albert? If you read this site, you darn well BETTER know him. Chuckie is the man who has over 240 production credits to his name, over 30 titles as director and a few more as writer. He probably brewed coffee for the crew and swept up afterwards while he was at it. Of course, there is a wide chasm between quantity and quality. This is the man, after all, who gave us Parasite, The Gingerdead Man, Prehysteria!, Crash and Burn, Trancers I and II, two Evil Bong movies and Last Tango in Burbank. If you've heard of any of these movies, then you're in the right place but have every reason to worry about our subject herein.

Of course, Charlie Boy isn't the only one to blame for this. After all, Metalstorm was written by Alan J. Adler. Who? Why, the man responsible for penning such filmic odes to joy as The Giant Behemoth, The Concrete Jungle and a couple of Band's projects, not to mention an episode each of "The Real GhostBusters" and "Star Trek: The Next Generation". And as far as quality goes, there's a reason Adler hasn't written anything since 1990...and it's not because he's been otherwise occupied, I'm sure.

You know how they make jokes like "it took three people to write this letter"? Well, to paraphrase the works of David Letterman, it took five people to produce this movie. Not only were Charlie and Big Daddy Al Band and writer Adler on hand to produce but so were such big-deal cigar-smokin' luminaries like Gordon W. Gregory and Arthur H. Maslansky, who between the two guys have three production credits to their names (Metalstorm being the most recognizable title if only because we're talking about it now).

I would have loved to have known where Adler and Chuckie Band worked out their final storyline - most likely at the bottom of a pitcher of sangria, but anyway.... What we have here is just another of your typical revenge against an evil overlord / saving the universe storylines made popular by George Lucas and his big yellow notepad way back when.

The differences are there, though: the evil humanoid gets its robotic arm ripped off in slow motion 3D, with all kinds of green juices and alien hydraulic fluids spewing out at the viewer. A fight with a mutant cyclops guy employs daggers as sharp as your elbow that get stabbed straight at ya in 3D (surprise). A few aliens fly through the air in clunky flying scooters while 1-inch wide blue matte lines flicker around their edges in 3-D (making them more obvious) and Dogen finally dukes it out with Jared-Syn in one of the most confusing fight scenes ever EVER filmed in 3D or otherwise; jumping from one dimension to another dimension to yet another repeatedly within a few minutes' time should be exciting...not confusing - or headache-inducing. This is both.

You want to know the most entertaining aspect of Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn? There are two, in fact. One is that there are so many people here that are readily recognizable to those of us who watch so many of these movies on a regular busy. I already mentioned Jeffrey Bryon, who had parts in films like Donovan's Reef, At Long Last Love, International Velvet and even a small part in 2009's Star Trek reboot. How 'bout dat?

Of course, we also have Kelly Preston, who not only made a career out of marrying John Travolta, but also starred in such classic flicks as Christine, 52 Pick-Up, Twins, and suffered through two 1985 flicks (Mischief, Secret Admirer).

And one of the cyclops mutants? None other than Richard (Bull from "Night Court") Moll! In fact, it was his shaving of his head for this role that gave him the look of the big bald bailiff we all know and love. Thanks, Metalstorm!

Jared-Syn, however, will be familiar to anyone who's seen The Road Warrior. It's Pappagallo himself, Michael Preston, who's also a part-time Flying Karamazov Brother and probably found it more palatable to juggle swords, hot coals and broken bottles than be featured as a grouchy baddie.

OH! And we also have Tim Thomerson again, folks! The Grand Old Man of B-Movies strikes again and leaves us with the patented "funny backsliding chum of the hero" character that every movie like this needs. At least he's a dependable presence and makes the most of what he does. As usual. Oh, Tim Thomerson: you'll never let me down.

The other entertaining thing is that this movie is such an obvious blueprint of many other Westerns/science fiction/urban dramas/war movies (many of them by the Bands, pere and fils), some of them done better, many of them done even worse - believe it or not. It's just enjoyable to see how the same familiar characters (hero, heroine, sidekick, colorful villains) and situations (fights, chases, climactic showdowns) fit into a completely different setting. AND in 3D.

About the 3D: It isn't very good. Fuzzy, jerky, seemingly incomplete or unthought. The only way this could possibly be made palatable is by getting James Cameron drunk, convincing him he needs to go and refit old 3D movies and make them look as good as his product. How else do you think Quentin Tarantino got involved with The Mighty Peking Man?

There's no way Metalstorm will ever turn up in an AFI All-Star Salute for anyone involved; though it IS possible as the subject of a Friar's Club Roast, I'd say. Seeing that this movie made so little bank and is now only notable as a footnote in the history of 3D film-making, the only ones who could have possibly benefited from this are the Charlie and Al Band, who both used this and their other early works to build up a dynasty of films that not only continue to be made to this day but will continue on as long as there are cheap effects, hack screenplays, mediocre directors and cheap ways to distribute them.

Of course, for all we know, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn could have been made as a big joke on the 3-D sci-fi moviegoers of the Eighties; a kind of obscure parody on these kind of films.

...albeit a really obscure parody.