Scary Trailer, Lousy Movie - Part One

It's happened to the best of us; we get psyched up by a totally, awesomely horrific movie trailer we catch on TV or at the local multiplex, we wait weeks and months for the same-hyped movie then the big day comes, we sit eagerly in our theater seats, the lights go down, we're ready to be totally freaked out of our fragile little minds, and....

We're let down, to put it mildly.

Don't be ashamed, its a common thing that happens more often than not and everyone feels stupid later. Live and learn, man; live and learn.

The art of a misleading trailer, though, is not a new thing. Even as far back as your own folks going to the movies has this practice been put to use. The film-makers put minimal effort into making their product and then, realizing they're gonna tank if they don't do something fast, put double the effort into making a preview trailer that'll knock the audience's collective socks off.

Sure, the movie still sucks but it'll do good business for the first week or so, at least.

And to prove my point, allow me to show a couple of examples to you, the non-believer. Here's a good one, relatively speaking:

MST3K fans (like me) are familiar with the film The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies. Just imagine being an impressionable teen sitting in the theater looking for a good, scary movie and an ad for this...thing came on. Would you be chomping at the bit to plunk down your cash for this "fear-fest"? Methinks so, sucker.



Here's a classic. With a title like Invasion of the Blood Farmers, how could this not be scary? That evil narration helps, don't it?

If you're like me, you'll agree that Equinox was an exercise in cool special effects on a limited budget, and an excellent calling card for Dennis Muren. And for Frank ("WKRP"'s Herb Tarlek) Bonner too, I suppose. But I think they could have toned it down on the reverb near the end...and does repeating the title of the movie equal fear and terror? Lemme try...Mecha-Blog-Zilla! MECHA-BLOG-ZILLA!! MECHA-BLOG-...ahh, forget it.



Here's something a little later down the road, circa 1981. New Year's Evil. If you have a Halloween/Friday The 13th-based ripoff, what's the best way to promote it? I'm not asking for myself, but on behalf of the film-makers, since they don't seem to have any idea themselves, except for showing some scarily-disjointed scenes of bad punk singing, Teri Copley crying in the back of a car and some dweeb wearing a Stan Laurel mask. Yep; John Carpenter, watch your back.



Oh yes! Werewolves on Wheels! FREAKIN' Werewolves on FREAKIN' Wheels! What could be scarier? What could be cooler? What could be more misleading...there were only two werewolves and I think only ONE of them actually got on a chopper. In spite of the "intense" trailer, I don't think this played well in Peoria.



Well, I hope that gives you an idea of what we, the average 70s/80s movie-goer, had to put up with. If not, though, never fear - this is only Part One in a two-parter; I'll have some more 'zamples for you. Hey, if nothing else, it'll give us old fogies some fond memories, huh?

Dope out.

-TGWD