Happy Star Wars Day, All You Padawans!

Believe it or not, I really do like Star Wars.  I've liked the movies from back in the day -sure, there have been some missteps here and there but overall, I enjoy the movies, the characters, the settings, the whole thing.

As a matter of fact, the only reason I'd have for going back in time is to go back to early 1977 and get caught up in the rush of the first Star Wars film - the one that started it all and made us all dream of a galaxy far far away....

I was such a SW geek; I still have a big scrapbook of clippings and pictures and stuff from back in the day with every possible thing you could find that had to do with Luke, Han Leia, Chewie, Artoo, Threepio and Darth.  I even have my Burger Chef glasses!  Don't you??

So a Happy Star Wars Day to all of you and as an added bonus, a visual gift for you.  Something that is quite possibly the most awesome thing to ever feature someone green.



May the FOURTH (haha) be with you.

And Dope out.

- TGWD

A Version of "Star Wars" You've NEVER Seen Before....

And well-ashamed you should be, Master Yoda.

You think you've seen it all when it comes to Star Wars, dear reader? Well, I thought for sure I had, until I came across a little posting supplied by a blog known as winterson.com, which is a small, unassuming blog in and of itself. Nothing wrong with that.

Then I came across this post which explained that the blog-master had come across a copy of Revenge of the Sith which, in its origin from China, had subtitles which were a direct English translation of the Chinese interpretation of what the script was saying.

Got that?

What that means, just so you'll be prepared, is that it was in English, was translated into Chinese and then that Chinese was re-translated into English for the subtitles so that we could re-read what was being said so we can understand it. Again.

NOW.

Even with such preparation, I doubt you'll be ready for the captioning of such modern-day scenes as these. Believe me, there are others on the original site, but I think this is enough of a sample for the curious to check out the remainder.

And a far as commentary on my end...it's fruitless. I'll just let the screen caps speak for themselves:






















































































































































































































































































See there? See how they think we speak overseas?

No wonder every other country in the world thinks Americans are idiots.

Well, differences in speech aside, I see I have yet another movie to seek out. Like I need an excuse.

But for die-hard fans and George Lucas sycophants alike, I think this last caption will speak eloquently for them:



















Dope out.

- TGWD

Brazilian Star Wars - aka: Os Trapalhões na Guerra dos Planetas (1978)

When it comes to foreign films, there are some which are so beautiful, so artistic and so deeply moving that they stretch across borders and language barriers and become a part of us.

One just has to look at the films of Fellini, De Sica, Eisenstein and Kurosawa to know what I'm talking about. It's all in how the stories are told.

When it comes to Star Wars films, there are also some which are so beautiful, so artistic and so deeply moving that they blahblahblah...

I've seen all the Star Wars films and any subsequent spin-offs, rip-offs, and other -offs...even the detestable Ewok TV specials, which I refuse to comment on or review. I'm keeping a promise to myself on those things.

Now I've already discussed all of the Star Wars films, The Star Wars Holiday Special, Star Wars: The Clone Wars and even posted that video a few years ago where Star Wars was acted out just using peoples' hands. And I've also commented at length on Turkish Star Wars (Dunyayi Kurturan Adam).

It's funny, but other countries look at our movies with a little bit of the Green-Eyed Monster, wanting a taste of our success and spin-off potential. And why not - they've sure given it the ol' proverbial try on several occasions, and I'll get to them all in due time. Hey, I'm only one guy....

But in speaking on both Star Wars AND foreign films, I now turn my attentions to Brazil who, just one year after Star Wars came out, rallied back with their own Brazilian version; Os Trapalhões na Guerra dos Planetas (i.e. - The Tramps in the Planet War).

Uh...Tramps?

And no, that doesn't really sound like a serious title for a serious reflection of the Star Wars mythos filtered through another country's sensibilities. After all, Turkish Star Wars tried to make their story as serious as possible; it's not their fault they were fighting Muppets and mummies most of the time.

I better not get too far ahead, though - I have some back story to get to yet:

HISTORY LESSON: the Traplahões (Tramps) of the title, named Dedé, Mussum, Didi and Zacarias, seem to date back in their adventures in Brazilian TV and cinema as far back as 1965 and have shared billing with the likes of Aladdin, Ali Baba, Robin Hood, the Wizard of Oz, Cinderella and, logically, fellow Brazilian Xuxa. Now they are thrust into the farthest reaches of outer space with aliens, villains and a bevy of space babes.

This time out, the Tramps have just finished an extensive car chase with lots of slapstick, slow-motion crashes and extensive mugging by our heroes and are camping out overnight with their trusty dune buggy. One of them nearly gets immolated by a turtle with a candle on its back (that's Brazil for you), but they are then visited by two soup bowls glued together they pretend is a spaceship. It opens up and out comes Prince Flik (Pedro Aguinaga - he's supposed to be a Brazilian Luke Skywalker, but I dunno...) who pleads with them to help his planet secure a "brain computer" that is supposed to help their people (come up with better names than Flik, I'd hope) and in the process destroy the evil Zuco (Carlos Kurt - he's supposed to be a Brazilian Darth Vader, but I dunno...) and his evil soldiers and make the galaxy safe for truth, justice and the Brazilian way. Along the way they come across a Jheri-Curled 7-foot tall creature named Bonzo (Emil Rached - he's supposed to be a Brazilian Chewbacca, but I dunno...), four pastel-and-chiffon-clad sexy girls with ‘70s hair, giant spiders, eggs filled with Gay Pride festival dancers, non-existent special effects and then there’s the dialogue.

Oh, the dialogue! Kids, I gotta tell you, there has been no worse translation of one language into another since The Castaways got hold of The African Queen. It’s Portuguese, natch, but then it’s subtitled for us poor dumb Amerikaaners in a way that, when read aloud, makes the whole thing sound dumber than it actually is (and it was dumb enough to begin with). We get subtitles worthy of Kung-Fu movies in some instances.

Examples? Tramp Didi insults his thick-headed companions with this line:

"You're all adaptable, insecure, assumed."

And then Tramp Mussum explains what his ideal diet would consist of:

“If I ate fruit, everyone would be all over me. Now, if I ate sand my stocks would plunge.”

How could ANYONE make something like that up?

There's an awful lot of slapstick fighting here as well, as if it were the universal language of galaxies: we are bonded by our knowledge of Moe, Larry and Curly. Prince Flik, Bonzo and the Tramps land on Flik's home planet in the middle of a battle between Brazilian Sand People and Brazilian Jawas around little miniaturized igloos, and everything erupts into a huge slapstick fight with crossed eyes, slow-motion punches and people falling down.

Another scene in an alien Brazilian dance club (outside of which Didi takes some guns from a gun salesman, evaporates a half-dozen aliens then threatens the salesman - 'cuz it's funny) has the Tramps dancing around with the pastel girls and everything erupts into a huge slapstick fight with crossed eyes, slow-motion punches and people falling down.

Then, in a climactic face-off with Zuco/Brazilian Darth Vader, he is zapped with a freeze ray so that he’s immobile and everything erupts into a huge slapstick fight with crossed eyes, slow-motion punches and people falling down. As this goes on, Didi spends his time kicking Zuco, putting funny hats on him, dancing with him, and so on...and did I mention Didi was the only one of them with a GUN? If the Bowery Boys ever made a Star Wars ripoff, this would be a close resemblance to it.

Yet, is it any good?

Okay...forget good: is it worth watching?

Depends on who you ask, really.

I guess if you're a huge Star Wars fan this wouldn't be your cup of tea. Then again, I am a big Star Wars fan and I've seen everything that has to do with Star Wars (as my postings here will attest to) and with said taste firmly on record, I guess you can pretty much say I enjoyed myself. Yeah, if you can survive The Star Wars Holiday Special, you can pretty much stomach anything.

This is fun in a Three Stooges kind of way. It's all about as light as a soap bubble and just as transparent in its intentions. Silliness is the key here, and there's nothing really offensive about what's on display here. Offensive in a blood-and-guts/frontal nudity/Quentin Tarantino-level profanity way, I mean. Purists who worship the ground Bail Organa walks on may be slightly more offended.

As comedic actors, the Tramps hold their own. As they had for decades, really - they are more or less beloved icons in Brazil and outstanding examples of the old school fall-down funny example of humor. In fact, if you love goofy faces and buffoonery in general and have never heard of the Tramps before this, seek them out. You shant be disappointed.

If you like Star Wars, though...well, you'd better search your true feelings on the Holiday Special before you see this.

Writer/director Adriano Stuart has written and directed a few of these Traplahões movies, indeed, and seems to know a formula when he comes up with it: introduce a familiar movie, put the Tramps in the middle of it then watch as everything erupts into a huge slapstick fight with crossed eyes, slow-motion punches and people falling down. Many of you may find Stuart's name more familiar if you're a devoted fan of the obscure and the b-level of love as we here are, though. Adriano Stuart was also the writer, director and one of the actors in that classic of modern film Kung Fu Contra as Bonecas, aka: Bruce Lee versus Gay Power.

Listen to that: I just heard hundreds of searches hit Google for Brazilian Star Wars movie with that realization alone.

May the Força be with you.

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (1983)

This is the seventh and final review in a series for the SciFi Drive's Star Wars Blogathon. Thanks for reading them.

When you take a movie like Star Wars and expand its scope to more than one film, you run the risk of the stories being more of the same thing - like a sitcom, where nothing changes and the characters only marginally grow, if at all.

And yet if there’s anything we learned from the original film and its sequel, The Empire Strikes Back, it’s that a series like this can throw you a curve and make unexpected twists and turns. Just like life, it doesn’t necessarily have to play by the rules.

In the first Star Wars, everyone went out on an adolescent adventure. In Empire, they (and we) grew older and discovered that angst, pain and indecision are universal. And both films were also phenomenal successes.

How could you possibly improve on a formula like that?

In 1983, George Lucas released Return of the Jedi, marking a combination of styles and stories, good and evil, power and weakness, and traveling back to Tatooine, to the Forest Moon on Endor, and the gleaming menace of a second Death Star.

Of course, to wrap up the story threads left over from Empire, a rescue attempt is made to save Han Solo (Harrison Ford) from the clutches of (literally) slimy crime lord Jabba the Hutt; Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) returns to Dagobah to continue his Jedi training with Jedi master Yoda (Frank Oz); Darth Vader continues to seek out Luke under the behest of the even more intimidating Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid); and the whole group, including R2-D2 (Kenny Baker), C-3PO (Anthony Daniels), Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams) team up to overcome the Empire’s last-ditch plan to defeat them with a fearsome new weapon. Even Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) makes a bright and shining cameo.

It’s interesting to the combination here; there’s some of the same light-hearted action and fun from the first film here, along with the dark, brooding undercurrent from Empire. This time, Lucas’ story was reinterpreted by Lawrence Kasdan, who had worked with him on Empire. The result is interesting, in that it is familiar, yet different; yes, we’ve been to this galaxy before, but never to this particular part of it. The story moves at such a quick clip, and there are so many characters to follow, it’s never boring a minute and - oddly enough - there’s even time for some poignancy this time out. But we’ll get to that later.

The director this time out is Richard Marquand, who worked wonders on such films as Eye of the Needle and underrated shocker The Legacy. Here, he brings out the golden tan sensuality of the Tatooine sands, the lush greens of Endor and the sleek dark gloom of the Death Star II. Not as much artistry as was evident in Empire, but enough visual power to make this stand proudly by its older siblings.

The actors inhabit their roles like a second skin. Who knows these characters better than they? Hamill’s Luke has tempered his brashness with the weight of his Jedi duty and his own emotional travails. Ford’s Han is still as brash and cocky as ever, making the most of his every chance to be the hero. Fisher’s Leia is a more somber soul but still radiantly beautiful. There’s even room for Williams’ Lando to make a name for himself as a hero herein. And Artoo and Threepio - ever-bickering and endlessly resourceful, the perfect compliment of logic to the chaos surrounding them.

The most ingenious character, though, is the Emperor. Supremely cunning and evil to a fault, his dialogues with Vader and Luke display how he has control over everything that transpires in both their lives. He toys with lives destroys the innocent for his own plans. Practically daring Luke to strike him down and step over to the Dark Side, the Emperor chuckles, mocks, ridicules and grimaces with the power of unimaginable evils lurking just below the surface. McDiarmid graces his role with a subtle overplay that compliments the loving detail that Lucas and Kasdan gave his dialogue, nailing it spot on.

In the last two installments, I failed to mention the important role played by the musical score. Indeed, John Williams created one of the most distinct and recognizable scores ever for this series. And with swelling strings, booming drums and stirring horns, makes the viewer realize how much more attached the emotions become when the music behind the scene is so stirring. Especially effective is the theme played between Vader and Luke, IMHO.

The effects this time out are even more plentiful with swirling stars, endless Tie Fighters, two-legged Imperial battle walkers, miles of exposed metal framework of the Death Star II wrapping around Rebel Fighters swooping in and out of beams to avoid attack and/or collision, speeder bikes speeding and swerving through Endor’s gnarled forests. It’s said there were three times more effects here than in the first film. I believe it.

There are no more than three climactic lines of action in the finale to follow (the attack on Endor, Luke’s battle with Vader and the Emperor, the assault on the Death Star II), with that much more to see levitate, move around, collapse and blow up. This of course gave Ralph McQuarrie, Ben Burtt, Richard Edlund, Joe Johnston, Dennis Muren and their assorted fellow effects crew members much to work with and the viewer much more to salivate over.

Now, as for the poignancy; it’s here in Jedi that all the previous threads of stories come together. Vader and Luke confront each other about Vader’s last declaration - the ultimate debate between a domineering father and his distraught, confused son. As they battle together near the end, resentment and anger surface and play a part in deciding a victor almost as much as forgiveness of sins past. Needless to say, it ends in what is perhaps (if you’ve never seen it before) a most unexpected selfless act.

Han and Leia explore further how they feel towards each other, perhaps not to the extent as they did in Empire, but here they display a more unconditional love. Maybe it’s all that bonding in battle that did it for them. And in the end, you actually find yourself caring about what happens to these characters - and dare I mention - wanting to invest yourself emotionally in their welfare.

What more can a movie do than that?

Needless to say, Return of the Jedi continued to build on the storytelling “empire”, for lack of a better word, that Lucas began seven years ago and proved that there was indeed a larger universe out there, one that welcomed tales of daring heroes and willful princesses, crushing defeats and uplifting victories, rousing adventure and brooding self-examination.

And when you can come out of a film thinking to yourself that rarely, if ever, has the paternal link been examined so well in science fiction, then all the better.

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

This is the sixth review in a series for the SciFi Drive's Star Wars Blogathon.

After the rousing success of the original Star Wars, the world held its breath (figuratively) for the coming sequel. Many wondered what would await them; another rousing action-packed serial? More wide-eyed wonder? Another celebration of good vs. evil?

Sort of. But in three years time a decision was made that the young heroes we knew back in 1977 were to take on more maturity, more responsibility; learn the hard lessons the universe had to teach.

In other words, it was time to grow up.

The Empire Strikes Back brought us again to the same epic struggle we left in the original, this time with a decided shift in tone. The exuberance was more subdued, the characters smiled less frequently. And there was much more to think about - for those on both sides of the screen.

While hiding with the Rebels on the ice planet Hoth, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) is struggling to continue his Jedi training, while Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) find their bickering resentment warming to less hostile emotions. All this time, Darth Vader is still in search for their whereabouts, for reasons both professional and personal. Also along for the adventures to come are squabbling droids R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) and C-3PO (Anthony Daniels), as well as Han‘s shaggy co-pilot/friend Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew). And a mysterious bounty hunter named Boba Fett (Jeremy Bulloch) lurks waiting in the shadows.

Their travels lead from the swamp-bound planet Dagobah to planet Bespin’s hovering colony called Cloud City, and to meetings with conniving sharpster Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams) and small green alien Yoda, the last of the Jedi Knights.

This time out, George Lucas settled for producing this next installment, leaving the directing to other hands. His story, however, has not faltered and if anything grew stronger in this chapter. For reasons we see as we continue to watch, the characters grow in their own ways also because of the their strengths and, more importantly, their failures.

Director Irvin Kershner (The Eyes of Laura Mars, RoboCop 2) brought with him an artistic eye that seemed to note the same details of age and wear that Lucas did in the original. There are more scenes, however, that depend on artistic conceits (zoom shots, backlit shots) than before, also. Certainly not a complaint, mind you: just an observation.

An interesting note about the script: it was first drafted by Leigh Brackett (writer of classics like The Big Sleep, Hatari!, The Long Goodbye and Rio Bravo) who unfortunately succumbed to cancer before completing it. Lucas liked what she had, though, and turned the completion over to up-and-coming writer Lawrence Kasdan, who would come into his own in the years to follow.

The story, as mentioned before, follows the emotional and mental growth of the principals through difficult choices, challenging emotions and resolutions that may not have had the audiences standing up and cheering but were logical paths of action for a film like this. On that count, we are entering into a more emotional realm of science fiction here.

The acting is better as well; Hamill successfully segues from brash and cocky to angry and confused during the course of action. And by the end of his light saber battle with Vader, he is a mess both physically and emotionally. Definitely not the same person we saw talking about bulls-eyeing womp rats three years ago.

Ford and Fisher carry off what could have been a sappy, soft-headed romantic sub-plot rather easily. Instead of turning all mushy, they trade barbs and tenderness at the same time, often with amusing results (She: "I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee!" He: "I can arrange that!"). And even though their last exchange together was reportedly improvised, it held strong enough for those who watched them together up to that point: saying everything that needed to be said, with a wealth untold.

The special effects team had a harder time of it this go-around. Ralph McQuarrie, Ben Burtt, Richard Edlund, Harrison Ellenshaw and Joe Johnston remained from the earlier crew, but also was assembled a new group that made real an icy, frozen wasteland replete with snowy caves and whipping snowstorms; an impenetrable swamp world of greens and browns, where it almost seems to rain forever; and a sterile, spotless spinning wheel of a space station where small red scout ships whip by and small half-pig/half-man creatures work in its bowels. Not as many aliens this time out, but maybe that’s just as well. Instead of being mesmerized by so many fantastic creatures, more attention had to be paid to the story.

And Yoda; a more important creature was never made for a story such as this. First seen as a small dottering creature that’s a seeming scavenger and nuisance, he slowly reveals himself to be the wisest and most observant creature imaginable. Voiced and manipulated by Frank Oz, his movements are fluid and easy, his voice creaky and gruff, issuing wise platitudes and gruff instructions to a bewildered Luke. My favorite scene with Yoda shows him later giving a glowing example of why Luke’s lack of faith in himself and his powers will always lead him to failure.

So this is indeed an important film in this saga for many reasons; the most important of which is that there is no clear-drawn victory this time out, perhaps in observation to those who complained of the original’s simplistic good-guys-win-in-the-end finale. And perhaps, also, because the Star Wars universe also has times when there are no simple avenues to take.

Each path you travel has a consequence; Luke could simply have ignored the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) telling him to seek out Yoda. Han could have ignored his feelings for Leia and ran off to avoid capture by the bounty hunters seeking him. Darth Vader could have struck down Luke several times and been finished. We could have been subjected to a movie where, once again, good fights against evil and wins. But no; ugly questions raise their heads to be answered, problematic emotions come into play like love and guilt and redemption. I know, I know: it‘s in the script. But would a happier ending have made sense? Wouldn’t that make it simply a rehash of what had gone before? Of course, and it wouldn’t have been as compelling, otherwise.

So many praised The Empire Strikes Back as a landmark film that it topped many “Best Movies of 1980” lists, even the lists of people who ordinarily didn’t like science fiction. That is the point of a good movie, however; it reaches across all demographics and holds a mirror up to the things we face (perhaps not in the same way/circumstance/universe) and asks us if this isn’t the same way we would perceive a situation and react to it. Maybe not all of us are as brave, resourceful or good-looking as a movie hero but if they give us a plausible person acting plausible, then it celebrates the human condition.

The Empire Strikes Back is indeed a celebration of all of us, human and alien.

And of growing up.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

This is the fifth review in a series for the SciFi Drive's Star Wars Blogathon.

Anyone who looks back on the history of the original Star Wars trilogy from 1977 to 1983 will notice that the story arc took its characters on quests of discovery, revenge, self-preservation and escapes from tyranny. It was all very methodical and planned out.

But what about those unexpected side trips?

The history of the Rebel Alliance's battles against the evil Galactic Empire had been well-chronicled, campaign after campaign documented. Then there are little events that no one takes note of that really hold no importance as to how the battle sways. They happen, but they're never mentioned again.

You know: like Nicaragua.

So it happened that in November 17, 1978 (Earth time) a little known event in the battle against the Empire took place on the planet Kashyyyk, home of the Wookiees, and detailed the Imperial occupation of one particular household of suspected Rebel conspirator Chewbacca.

And did I mention the musical numbers?

The Star Wars Holiday Special tries to take the best of both worlds (or galaxies) and combine them into one big two-hour special that promises fun for the whole family. The problem is....

Well, let me explain it after this:

Han Solo (Harrison Ford) is racing the Millennium Falcon through an Imperial blockade to get co-pilot Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) to his home planet in order to celebrate Life Day, an important holiday for all Wookiees. Meanwhile, Chewie's family awaits him - consisting of his wife Malla, his father Itchy, and son Lumpy - however an Imperial detachment has stationed itself at Chewie's home, tipped off to Rebel activity and determined to get to the bottom of any anti-Imperial sentiment.

As you may have noticed, there are some familiar names in this Special, not to mention that we'll also be graced with the presence of Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), Princess Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher), C-3P0 (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 (Kenny Baker), just in case you'd forgotten what kind of a story this is.

And believe me, there will be times that you will forget.

How can I say that? Because in 1978, TV had this deal going on that any prime-time network special that centered around actors and characters from the big movie of the moment could present a microcosm of their filmic universe on the small screen - but at a price.

You see, the story itself is never enough. There has to be more for John Q. and Jane A. Public to plop down in front of their all-state TVs to watch - after all, the CBS suits insisted, why watch something on TV that the viewership could go to their local theater and see?

Sort of a reverse-logic on "Battlestar: Galactica" but anyway....

Like any other TV special in the Seventies, the suits knew they had to rely on the same content that buoyed the likes of "The Carol Burnett Show", "The Captain and Tenille" and "Donny and Marie"; vaudevillian comedy and lots of song and dance numbers.

Of course you may be rightly wondering to yourself, "But wait: this is a Star Wars special. I don't recall there being any singing or dancing in Star Wars, unless you count the cantina".

And right you are. There wasn't. And as far as the comedy, you can't very well have a two-hour loop of Chewie growling at that little Death Star droid, making it speed away.

Well...you could, but that's what we have YouTube for.

Not to worry, however. CBS had it covered. Just as NBC knew that no self-respecting KISS fan would watch their juke box heroes on TV without corny dialogue, cartoony music and albino werewolves in silver jumpsuits, so the logic of CBS prevailed and hired a writing team of Pat Proft (who wrote Bachelor Party and Police Academy), joke-writer extraordinaire Bruce Vilanch and a few others you've never heard of before or since concoct a story that somehow combines a galaxy far far away with Cirque de Soliel acrobats, cooking shows, comedy that was outdated in the late Sixties, Diahann Carroll and a cartoon.

All that's missing is a guy spinning plates in zero gravity and an alien Ed Sullivan popping up every so often to introduce the next act.

...is it unrealistic to ask, "What Happened??" I know I should keep my expectations low, but this low?

This is Star Wars we're talking about; it wouldn't start down the road to ruin until, say, the mid-Eighties when those stupid Ewok TV movies came out, or Christopher Lee predated his Count Dooku appearance and featured in 1982's A Very Star Wars Christmas. 1978 was WAY too early to dash the eager fanboy's hopes - we hadn't even gotten our action figures out of their packaging yet.

But the innocent few among you may say, "What could be so bad about this? A couple of songs, some comedy bits here and there. I was brave enough to survive the Star Wars crew's appearance on "Donny and Marie" a few months prior...I can make it through this. This is nothing."

Oh. Really.

Are you ready for Art Carney playing Ed Norton in space? As a trader named Saundan based on Kashyyyk, Art tries his level best to pretend there's a live audience - or at best a laugh track - as he labors over shtick both verbal and physical that would make Jackie Gleason shake his head in disgust (and it probably did). And what other galactic civilization wears glasses? Come on, Art: would it have killed you to hide them for a few minutes just to keep the "other universe" vibe going? HIS MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: taking a good minute of time to pantomime his way through opening a holographic music player for an Imperial officer.

Are you ready for Jefferson Starship playing a holographic rock band in space? And without Grace Slick, at that! It's not like she was busy, I'm sure, but "Light the Sky on Fire" isn't their best song; maybe she had pressing business with her hair or Paul Kantner warned her away ahead of time or something. At any rate, quasi-religious anthems have their place, but not in a TV special where their big scene is playing in a glowing purple box. THEIR MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: I'll swear to my dying day that lead singer Marty Balin is singing into a gigantic glowing purple condom wrapped around a fluorescent bulb. Didn't they have censors around for this kind of thing to NOT happen? Who will think of the children?!!

Are you ready for Diahann Carroll playing a masturbatory fantasy in space? Seriously: Diahann dons head-to-toe Christmas tinsel to play a projected fantasy for Itchy as he sits under a silver hair dryer with an 8-track tape stuck in it. She whispers sweet nothings into his malformed jaw (more on that later) and sings a song then, much like her career, she fades away. HER MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: telling Itchy how adorable he is three times at least while he wriggles underneath the hair dryer, chewing on his nose.

Are you ready for Bea Arthur playing Bea Arthur in space? As the new cantina owner of Tattooine (...or maybe it's the cantina down the street - a little competition's always healthy), Bea provides most of the dialogue in a bar full of familiar-looking aliens from the movie, including a giant rat left over from Bert I. Gordon's Food of the Gods. You know your special's in trouble when you spend a whole scene wishing Obi-Wan would come in and start cutting aliens' arms off, just to liven things up. Yeah, I'm a bad person, I'm sorry.... HER MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: Bea sings (Yes. Bea. Arthur. Sings.) a song to the cantina band's theme from Star Wars. You know, if I had wanted to watch Mame, I'd have watched Mame.

Are you ready for Harvey Korman playing three of the unfunniest comedy characters ever in space? As a four-armed cooking show host (in space), a six-fingered lovelorn alien with a hole in his head and a continually stalling human/droid hybrid, he'll remind no one of such past triumphs in Lord Love a Duck, Blazing Saddles and the Pink Panther series, not to mention "The Carol Burnett Show". How can someone so naturally funny be so criminally unfunny? The Star Wars Holiday Special answers that question quite harshly. HIS MOST EMBARRASSING SCENE: all of them.

Like I said before, most of the original Star Wars cast is here, under both contractual obligations and duress no doubt. Mark Hamill under heavy makeup (due to an earlier car accident), Carrie Fisher under heavy sedation (just look at her eyes - she had more than a little something before the cameras rolled), Harrison Ford under heavy pressure (he seems to be more irritated here than he was in Empire) and Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew and Kenny Baker under heavy cover (for which I'm sure they are grateful). All of them slog along but fail to convince the viewer of their conviction to the cause. In this case, less Rebels vs Empire and more Komedy vs. Audience.

The new characters are even less important. Who knew Chewbacca had a family? And who in their right mind would have envisioned THIS family? Malla looks convincing enough I guess, even though her eyes are a bit scary-looking, especially considering her part is played by a guy (Mickey Morton). But Itchy (Paul Gale) - his bottom lip really does look as if it got caught in a revolving door and his brow is low enough to suggest a distant relative to Neanderthals...with very bad under-bites. The worst fate is handed down to little Itchy (played by a girl - Patty Maloney!), with big eyes and a bigger mouth, he puts you in the mind of Adam Rich starring in Teen Wolf III.

But the Chewie family dialogue? All grunts and howls and growls and grumbles and snorts. I loved Quest for Fire, but I never wanted to see a comedy/variety show based on its characters. At least in Star Wars there were humans for Chewie to play off, but solid minutes of Wookiee-speak with no translator in sight? Their scenes probably gave the writers a chance to just type: INSERT WOOKIEE NOISE HERE. Much easier for scripting, takes less paper too.

How about the cartoon, though? Halfway through the occupation of Chewie's house by Stormtroopers, black-helmeted secondaries and a commander who makes Grand Moff Tarkin come off as practically effete, Lumpy occupies himself on his little yellow mini-screen TV (I'm sorry, but what is it with all of these TVs in space????), and watches a nine minute-or-so cartoon based on Luke and company's first encounter with Boba Fett. Canadian animation company Nelvana does a passable job and the alien settings sure look alien enough, and the story itself is intriguing to watch, but maybe this cartoon is...how best to say it...oh well...too good for The Star Wars Holiday Special?

It is a good little distraction, and Ford, Hamill and Fisher reprise Han, Luke and Leia pretty well; even Daniels's Threepio is recognizable, which is good. But still, when your little filler cartoon - can we agree that this is filler? Good. - outshines and overshadows your whole TV special, what does it say about your special?

That it stinks, that's what.

In the end, when the Wookiee family is safe, Chewie reunites with them, they pick up glass balls, transport to a rocky set while wearing red robes, Luke and company appear for no reason, Leia sings a song (badly) and Chewie flashes back to scenes in Star Wars (some of which he never even took part in) and the Wookiees all celebrate what's left of Life Day as the credits roll, you - the die-hard Star Wars fan - realize that while this enterprise had Star Wars in the title, had the same characters, followed some familiar plot threads and even had the Wilhelm Scream, this was NOT a Star Wars special.

This was a burlesque without the naked ladies.

This was humiliation for anyone who ever owned a C-3P0 belt buckle.

This was darkness Darth Vader wouldn't touch.

No wonder James Earl Jones literally phoned in his part (or at least his voice): everyone else sure did.

George Lucas, after giving his blessing to the CBS suits to use his characters willy-nilly, swore he would hunt down every bootlegged copy of this and smash it - not like any OFFICIAL release of this would ever pass through Skywalker Ranch. Fair enough, but why not cut out the middle-man and just go back to that point in time where CBS first spoke to him and just smash the executives?

Trust me: avoid The Star Wars Holiday Special as if it were the sarlacc pit.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fight the frizzies.

Star Wars (1977)

This is the fourth review in a series for the SciFi Drive's Star Wars Blogathon.

As I mentioned in my review for Logan’s Run, intelligently-written science fiction, the kind that makes you think about the human element of the storyline while watching all of the futuristic and/or other-planetary goings-on, seemed to be what science fiction was all about back in the day. After all, writers like Heinlein and Asimov and Clarke forced us to actually use our imaginations and then, when films were made of their works, we - the viewers - had to think even more. You can't really ask more from a movie or its source material than that.

However, I also remember even farther back, when science fiction DIDN'T require a lot of thought. I'm of course talking about the old "Buck Rogers" and "Flash Gordon" serials. Cheesy as they were, they still offered lots of slam-bang action, spaceships zipping around all over the place, explosions and manly heroes flashing their smiles, saving the women and the whole universe with one well-placed punch or one good shot with their ship's lasers.

Little did we all know that shortly after Logan’s release would come a movie that would so reshape science fiction and other-worldly storytelling that it would draw out copycats for generations to come...and all it did was throw back to those thrilling days of yesteryear.

Star Wars was years in the making and once the world saw what George Lucas had envisioned on his big yellow notepad, it would be hard to cite another movie in science fiction that would be so fervently quoted, characters that would take on lives of their own and a mythos so woven into the fabric of fans and novices alike.

As if I needed to tell you this - young Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) dreams of leaving his desolate home planet and fighting in the great Rebellion against the Empire. And when his foster family comes into the possession of two wayward robots named R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) and C-3PO (Anthony Daniels), one of whom carries a message for the mysterious hermit Ben “Obi-Wan” Kenobi (Alec Guinness) from the beautiful Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher), Luke finds himself thrust headlong into an adventure involving rogue smuggler Han Solo (Harrison Ford), evil half-human warlord Darth Vader (David Prowse) and a weapon of the Empire large enough to destroy an entire planet.

Director Lucas uses the camera sparsely: no zoom shots (at least no apparent ones). Just close-ups, long shots and pans. There are moments here that depend mostly on the imagery, like scenes of the vast desert wastelands of Tatooine, the jam-packed cantina in Mos Eisley spaceport and the sterile chrome and metal aboard the Death Star. Lucas knew the story was basic enough to carry you through, along with the special FX (another point to get to in due time). And there are times that feel (to me, anyway) like you’re right in the thick of it, especially when Luke and Han are shooting at the Empire’s Tie Fighters that swarm around Han’s Millenium Falcon.

Lucas got more than a major assist in his story from Akira Kurosawa’s classic action tale The Hidden Fortress. Lucas' Americanization is well-done, even with its sporadic touches of humor (as when Han’s large, hairy co-pilot Chewbacca roars at a small droid, making it speed away) and drama (Luke returns to his uncle’s home right after it is attacked). Many will say that the story itself is a little too simplistic. Maybe it is, but it’s also an example of a solid, stand-alone story that embraces the same type of values that your average Western does (bravery, good versus evil, fighting for what’s right) with heavy doses of Zen philosophy and swashbucking adventure thrown in.

When surrounded by aliens, outer space and metallic bad guys, plausibility is a little difficult to attain. But many of the principals have built careers on their work here (Hamill) and some have been lucky enough to launch into an even larger repertoire, independent of Star Wars (Ford). A year earlier Fisher had a substantial part in the Warren Beatty film Shampoo; would she be where she is now if her role as Princess Leia never came to be? Perhaps, but it probably would have taken longer for her to get to that point.

So many special effect mainstays got their start in this film that it’s like an A-list role call: Dennis Muren, Rick Baker, Ralph McQuarrie, Ben Burtt, John Dykstra, Richard Edlund, Joe Johnston, Phil Tippett. Everyone was assembled by Lucas, searching for a perfect team to make the perfect effects. He certainly got one: spaceships, swirling stars, monsters, aliens big and small, towering space stations and tiny robots all share screen time very convincingly, and with just a hint of history and wear to make everything look like it had a past outside of this story.

For an $11 million budget, it far surpassed the expectations of even 20th Century Fox’s executives, who at one point planned to cancel production and reuse some scenes for a TV series (!). Now, as a mega-successful franchise of films, books, videos, TV specials (one or two that Lucas has disowned), toys, you name it, Star Wars made an impact on the world rarely seen up to that point in time and certainly one that has yet to be equaled.

Of course, there is a downside to this. Star Wars has been criticized for its lack of imagination in the storytelling department, claiming it was this film that forced new film-makers to cater to the mentality of a new-found era of storytelling; ones where no surprises come about, only a problem and its resolution. With a rousing, upbeat finale, if time allowed. Up to then, they argued, films were allowed to have heroes and villains with shades of gray, no linear storylines and endings that didn’t have good winning the day, etc. I.E. - no more challenge to the viewer, just old-fashioned storytelling.

I have to agree; there is some truth to that. However, there are some people who just want to have a good old-fashioned story told to them. And generation after generation have kept this type of movie-making alive. Is that the fault of our lockstep mentality that doesn’t want to be challenged, or just a desire on our behalves to revert to a simpler time when good triumphed and evil always failed and the damsels were beautiful and the heroes were always brave? Who can tell for sure; everyone has their own interpretation of what a good movie/story is and how much they want to be challenged per movie.

All I can speak for is myself, and as far as Star Wars goes, this was simply the best movie to come out at a particular time in my life, as well as the life of the world in general. Let’s face it: the ‘70s were a very cynical time and everyone wanted to hear about conspiracies, bad karma, hidden meanings, downbeat endings and loss of innocence.

When a movie comes out on a scale such as this and is all about innocence, what do you expect?

So yes, Star Wars was a success in story, look, approach and method. And it continues to be. And it always will be.

May the Force be with you.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)

This is the third review in a series for the SciFi Drive's Star Wars Blogathon.

For the longest time, it was believed that the Star Wars films were simply a series of tales dealing with good versus evil. Now, to the largest extent they were, but it finally came to me that this was only the framework of the stories they told. Once you take into consideration the full arc of this saga, it becomes clear: in its center, Star Wars is a story about conflict. And not just conflict between aliens, armies and/or machines - about conflict within one's self.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith brings together everything we have seen before, from 1977 to 2002, and binds the ages. It also gives us a clearer understanding about what can turn a sweet innocent young boy into a twisted, evil monster. And it also makes us wonder "What is there to keep any one of us from becoming that which we most despise?".

To begin with, there is a difference in the Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) in Sith from the one that was in The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. This is an Anakin who is less sure of himself and of his powers, more troubled by the stress from the Clone Wars he is battling, more protective of his wife Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman) once he finds out she is now pregnant. And he also wonders if perhaps there are lessons he is not learning from Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and the rest of the Jedi Council. Is there more that I could learn, he wonders. How can I protect Padme when I failed to protect my own mother? As Yoda (voiced by Frank Oz) travels to Kashyyyk to help the Wookiees battle against the Federation forces and Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) denies Anakin a prominent place on the Jedi Council due to his closeness to Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid), who is now becoming more of a father figure to him that Obi-Wan, the stage is set for startling revelations, intense debates, dramatic confrontations and more than one battle to decide whether Anakin is indeed “The Chosen One” or yet another pawn in a plot to rule the entire galaxy.

Disappointments were voiced with Menace and Clones from even the purest Star Wars fans (myself included), who observed the simplistic storylines and ineffective characters diffused the focus of the story. Why should those who wanted to immerse themselves in a galaxy far far away and discover the origins of characters they grew up with have to bother wading through such opaque details as trade embargoes, Gungans, shallow love stories and computer-enhanced effects? Remember the beatific simplicity of Star Wars (I refuse to call it A New Hope. Sorry.), The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi? There were no distractions, no superfluous characters nor extravagant special effects to take you away from the story - you went to these films to be told a story and, by God, you got one.

So, does Sith deliver?

George Lucas seems to remember some of this for Sith, if only marginally (more on that later). Those of us who grew up on Wars, Empire and Jedi and suffered through Menace and Clones wanted only two things: to be told a good story and to find out what made these characters (mainly Vader) what they are.

Lucas falls back on his CGI crutch for the most part, directing against blue screens and computer-generated worlds of Utapau, Kashyyyk, Coruscant and Mustafar. As I said previously, I enjoyed the more hands-on feel that came from crew members working with wood, metal, clay, mud, blood, sweat and tears to physically create worlds you’d never seen before. Now, just push a button. At least he had the good sense to have a drama coach on set for the more intense emotional scenes, since he was tied up back at the computer. Impressive, yes, but still distancing.

Speaking of drama, it is here where the story shows its strengths. Lucas himself said this would be the darkest of the movies and he wasn’t kidding; what could you expect of a movie where a character we watched grow up, learn and fall in love becomes an unspeakable monster? There are deaths of many innocent characters here (not Jar-Jar, though), and for the uninitiated, a sudden transformation of a formerly benign character into a cackling, unrepentant beast. It’s emotionally draining, and far more satisfying story-wise than the prior prequels.

Okay, once again Christensen plays Anakin with more arrogance than anything else, but at least it is tempered with more confusion and anger; fitting for what will happen to him as the movie progresses. At least his style fits more the part here.

But what happened to Portman? She was feisty and adventurous in the last two movies but here she hangs in the background and cries and pats Anakin's shoulders consolingly. What happened to the fierce negotiator from Menace or the ferocious fighter from Clones? Sadly, her main purpose here is to carry her babies and give birth near the end. Period. What a shame.

I have only one complaint about General Grievous (CGI, voiced by Matthew Wood); he basically plays the same function that Darth Maul did in Menace; impressively evil but onscreen for painfully little time. He did fight well and was appropriately malicious, but for a bad guy, he sure was dispatched of rather simplistically, after all.

Of course, the others do not disappoint. McGregor does gangbusters as the heroic, somewhat older and wearier Obi-Wan, edging even further into Alec Guinness territory than before. Jackson's Windu is stalwart and brave, and still swings a mean light saber. Christopher Lee's Count Dooku shows up for a few minutes and is as good as he was previously, it just seemed like he was putting in a token appearance, like Frank Sinatra in a Dean Martin movie. Oz voices Yoda quite well and it is the CGI department's credit that he looks more like his image in Empire than before (and even as when he was still puppetized in Menace). Kenny Baker IS R2-D2, in my opinion and, CGI-ed or not, gets a good amount more screen time here. Poor C-3P0 (Anthony Daniels), however, does next to nothing. Heck, he got more to do in Empire than he does here. Thank goodness he gets the last line in the whole movie here, at least.

I could have stood to have seen more of Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) and his Wookiee brothers on Kashyyyk, though. It was impressive to see then all fighting (and winning) against the Federation 'bots; if only the whole movie could have been about their battle (the Ewoks got more screen time than these guys).

But it is McDiarmid who holds the entire crux of the film. Can Palpatine be trusted? His words give comfort to Anakin's troubled mind. Why, then, do the Jedi not trust him? It is to McDiarmid's credit that he walks a thin tightrope between benign and malevolent so effortlessly. In fact, he has two scenes which I wouldn't dream of retelling here that are true showstoppers.

And McGregor's and Christensen's scenes together give them at least more time to show camaraderie and friendship than before. As they fight alongside - as well as against - each other, they compliment each other quite well in terms of action as well as emoting. Watching as Obi-Wan hopelessly howls out "You were the chosen one!" during their last battle as Anakin growls out "I HATE YOU!!", it gives one pause to consider their later battle aboard the Death Star, once again challenging one's beliefs against the other's.

Of course everything is well-detailed and looks great, but enough already! We already know how much Lucas loves fiddling around with his films, but would it be too much to think that years down the road he'll go back and UN-CGI his prequels? Probably not. The lava flows on Mustafar realistically, the sleek world of Coruscant is still impressive and the spaceships all are even more detailed and fascinating that before. I guess less isn't more, as far as CGI goes.

In the end though, there are images from Sith I will always remember: the rescue of Palpatine from Grievous' ship, the execution of "Order 66", the simultaneous battles between Anakin and Obi-Wan and Yoda and Darth Sidious, the group roar of the Wookiees, R2-D2's antics against the super battle droids, the attack of Darth Vader against the Jedi Temple...so many scenes, so many new memories to counterbalance the bad feelings I can now admit to from the previous prequels.

So yes, Lucas has redeemed himself with Sith and, for the first time since 1983, followed through on the promise given by the blast of horns and percussion and the receding "Star Wars" title going into the dark reaches of space. He has told a story...a good story...and ended it with the promise that we can go home, pop in our original Star Wars tapes or DVDs and pick up where we left off from there. Confidently.

It is sad to note that there will be no more new Star Wars episodes from now on, at least not by Lucas' hands. Perhaps that is for the best, though. Now that the genesis of Darth Vader has been told full-circle, we fans of the stories can now appreciate what it takes for good to become evil, for hope to turn to despair and perhaps learn what it takes to keep from walking in those same footsteps ourselves. And if you can walk away from a story with that kind of a satisfaction, then the storyteller has done his job.

As has Revenge of the Sith.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)

This is the second review in a series for the SciFi Drive's Star Wars Blogathon.

Making up a story as you go along is a dangerous thing. You can lose focus on what you‘re telling, it’s hard to keep track of all the facts as you proceed (or regress) and sometimes you make points that are hard to follow through on. It’s the job of the storyteller to keep his tale concise and compelling, and not load it up with too many bells and whistles.

And it's all the harder if it takes you almost 30 years to tell the story.

The whole point of George Lucas’ Star Wars saga was to tell a tale of good versus evil and how one child can grow into a man who lets the will of others shape his own and twist him into a creature of their own bidding. So yes, the core of the Star Wars films is the ascent (or descent) of Anakin Skywalker into Darth Vader.

With Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, it was mostly all about Anakin/Vader's offspring Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) and the choices he would make in his life. What irony, we now think, that he wanted to "learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi, like my father". Now the controlled reaction of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) concerning this declaration makes so much sense.

So beginning with Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, we backtrack and observe how Anakin (Jake Lloyd) begins to put his talents to use. It all ended on an upbeat, with Anakin trading coy looks with Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman).

And now Lucas gets to Star Wars Episode II : Attack of the Clones, where Anakin, now played by Hayden Christensen, continues his training under the tutelage of Obi-Wan (Ewan McGregor), while protecting newly-appointed Senator Amidala from repeated assassination attempts by an unseen Separatist force, which overwhelms the Jedi Knights' ability to protect. Meanwhile, evidence is uncovered in the process that points to an army of cloned soldiers being created from a sinister bounty hunter named Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison), who has his own agenda to follow. And what is the connection with legendary Jedi Master Count Dooku (Christopher Lee)? And as all this occurs, a forbidden romance blossoms between Anakin and Amidala.

Oh, and room is made again for the antics of series stalwarts R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) and C-3PO (Anthony Daniels), and a bit part by Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best).

Okay, the easy part out of the way first: this is indeed a continuation of the story we were left off with in Phantom Menace. However, is this the best kind of a story to tell for those weaned on the action, peril and excitement of the original trilogy of the '70s and '80s?

Hardcore fans will defend Clones to their deaths, and bless them for that. A series such as this succeeds or fails on its fan base. And to say that Star Wars fans are some of the most rabid movie-goers out there is an understatement (the only more wild fans would be those of The Rocky Horror Picture Show). Dressing up as favorite characters, camping out for tickets months in advance, collecting every piece of Star Wars memorabilia known to man....

But there are times when you can only defend something to a certain extent until you realize what you're defending has flaws all the more noticeable as time goes on. With Clones, these are even more glaring than in Phantom Menace.

If you found Phantom Menace's storyline dull and stretched-out, you'll find Clones' even moreso. More debates, subdued dialogues, explanations, oratory and expositions about things that were boring the last time. Why did Lucas and co-writer Jonathan Hales think they could improve a lackluster script by explaining everything multiple times? And the "romantic" dialogue between Anakin and Amidala is even worse - when Anakin compared her to the sand of Tatooine, I winced. My wife would have slapped me if I did that to her.

The direction, again by Lucas, demonstrates more of what he had done in Phantom Menace instead of his 1977 work, or even before with THX-1138. Many more wide-angle shots and loving details to the computer effects people's handiwork than the craft of the story and its characters. I missed the personal level so much here.

There are occasional flashes of decent acting here. Lee is effortless as Dooku; McGregor hones his Alec Guinness vibe more here, even sprouting a beard and more relaxed manner than three years ago; Ian McDiarmid once again walks a fine line as Chancellor Palpatine, expertly wavering from put-upon leader to cold-faced dictator in the matter of a line or two of dialogue. Samuel L. Jackson's Mace Windu again shows how good an actor Jackson can be - when he takes command of the situation late in the film, it demonstrates the flash and fire everyone should have had.

But no: Christensen is, if possible, more wooden and blank than Lloyd was as his former self. His flashes of anger seem more like adolescent tantrums; his passion is more like "hey, baby - I know you want me".

Portman is at the same level she was previously, with perhaps the added expression of looking at someone with her head turned down slightly, eyes looking up. Lucas must have thought this was a good way to shoot her - it's like she's always seen at this angle. Not as much thought went into her reading; flat and bored. At least she toned up for the action scenes.

I may be picking mostly on Christensen and Portman here...but they are the ones who are carrying the brunt of the story here - they're supposed to be in love, passionate about each other in spirit as well as mind. Absolute zero would be the highest point at which they generate any chemistry, even in a forbidden kiss.

The subordinate characters take all the good scenes - and lines. Morrison's Jango Fett is strong and ruthless, all business. His verbal face-off with Obi-Wan about the clones was a dramatic highlight ("They'll do their job well; I guarantee you that.") as was their battle a scene or two later.

And though lesser seen, Leanna Walsman made good as fellow assassin-in-arms Zam Wessell. Her deep, husky voice and lithe features make me wish her part was larger, or at least more prominent.

But at the wrong moments, throwaway parts are given to former prominent characters from the last film (Sio Bibble, Watto) and to characters prominent later on (Owen Lars, Beru Whitesun, Boba Fett) that it would have been better to either build them up (and remove a few thousand extraneous characters) or cut them out altogether. Too many characters to remember make for far less worth recalling later on.

Oh, and the CGI this time, while even more impressive than before, only serves to place an ever-thicker wall between the audience and their connection to what they see. While armies of clone troopers and droid soldiers battling each other are awesome sights, and crushing battlecrafts and tanks roaring past are breath-taking and creatures both vile and benign take on a textured, breathing life of their own, all it serves to remind us of is the mastery of the craft of CGI, not of one's intimate thoughts and dreams. Though fans of CGI may argue, it is a sad day when watching a whole battle at a distance takes precedence to seeing the fighter's faces, feeling their anguish and suffering with their pain.

The one point I will concede is that the CGI recreation of Yoda (Frank Oz) is a splendid work of art, and holds its own well with the flesh-and-blood it interacts with. Every step, every move, every bump and wrinkle - perfect. And his final battle with Dooku was even more rousing that the action seen before.

The only constant here (as before) was in John Williams' score. From the very beginning he weaved together action, drama, romance, humor, despair, exhilaration and mystery with an orchestral score unparalleled. And I'll be the first to admit that I found the romance theme between Anakin and Amidala enchanting and epic. If only the kids had followed suit....

What went wrong altogether? Clones did make money and was one of the big money-makers of 2002 (right behind Spider-Man, if I recall), but afterwards even fans voiced their displeasure with the way the series was headed. Maybe they were giving Lucas a message - You gave us a movie that defined our imaginations, you gave us a series we cherished and adored. Why give us something that tarnishes all we've come to expect - and love - in these films?

In short, the art and technology is all there. But the heart and soul has been sacrificed for the appearance.

I still remember being a child in 1977, watching Star Wars and being amazed at the stars swirling around, the aliens quaffing their drinks at the cantina, and a scared young man off on a journey of adventure and self-discovery; cheering every hero, scowling at every villain, marveling at how it all was so new...and yet so familiar.

With Clones, the magic Lucas had attained so long ago is now gone. And it's sad - not only for those who love movies, the stories they tell and the spell they weave around our hearts and minds....

But also for those of us who once believed in the words, "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...."

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

This is the first review in a series for the SciFi Drive's Star Wars Blogathon.


Do I really need to explain how large the Star Wars phenomenon has become? Generating around a billion dollars worldwide in videos, games, toys, clothes, role-playing games, costumes, underwear, Pez dispensers and just about everything else, it’s easy to see why there was a feeling that the story should continue.

Or, at least, to find out where the whole storyline evolved from.

It was George Lucas’ intention to create a nine-story arc about the characters and universes in the Star Wars galaxy. Of course, he said this back when he was young and foolish, too. In the autumn of his years, Lucas probably looked back and thought “maybe I bit off a bit more than I can chew”. Suffice it to say, creating a universe isn’t all that easy a thing to do, much less put it all on film.

So since he started in the “middle” of the story (the 1977 Star Wars soon becoming subtitled “Episode IV”), Lucas went back before the beginning, so to speak, to find out where the conflict had arose from - where the Emperor gained his supremacy - how powerful the Jedi used to be - and the origins of Darth Vader.

But was this illumination of the past really necessary?

I ask because, if you really think about it, Star Wars is something that became a monster out of its masters’ control. Taking on a life of its own and rampaging on its way. After a while legends came about from fans of the films, detailing the pasts as well as the future of these worlds and their denizens, that made this far, far away galaxy quite compelling and mystical enough that any literal visual embodiment would have been a futile experience.

Lucas is the creator of the original, however, and his word is law. So we can trust the word (and lens) of the man who first brought this galaxy to our attention.

...Can’t we?

The literal backstory first: a trade embargo on the planet Naboo sends Jedi Knights Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and his teacher Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) in to end the dispute. They soon find themselves thrust into the middle of a war between the planet and the Trade Federation, and must protect Naboo’s Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman) from their forces. All the while, the Federation’s moves are orchestrated by the mysterious Darth Sidious, who sends his apprentice Darth Maul (Ray Park) after the group to end their resistance once and for all. Along the way, the Jedi encounter the likes of clumsy Gungan native Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best), and a young boy from Tatooine named Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd). Even R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) and C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) are first introduced to each other.

So far, great. The elements are there for a story as good as those that came before. This is, after all, the beginning of the story arc we somehow came in on at the middle. However, this is not going to be as good as the original, it turns out, and there are three reasons for this.

Somehow, a trade embargo and political debates do not make for an engrossing story. What gave the original Star Wars its power was that it was clear-cut good against evil and there was excitement from one frame to the next. Excitement, adventure, the allure of the unknown. We’re familiar with this universe by now; it’s not like we’re coming in cold. It had been 22 years since the first movie was released; perhaps Lucas was looking for a more regal approach to a similar story? Perhaps, but I for one miss the shaggy, unkempt approach of the original. Everything back then seemed to be breathless, passionate, anxious to tell an exciting story. Not here - Menace introduces a reserve that the story just doesn’t need.

Now this sounds so funny coming from me, but I think there were just too many special effects here. I know; this is a science fiction story with strange worlds, aliens, spaceships and so forth - what should I expect? And Rick McCallum, Ben Burtt and Dennis Muren from the first three films returned to helm the effects here also. They’ve done wonders helping create the majesty of Naboo; the underwater world of the Gungans; the sandy expanses of Tatooine and its multitude of life forms and also the bustling overcrowded riot of action that was the planet of Courasant.

I think the problem (again, the problem for me) was that this time Lucas employed many instances of computer-generated images (CGI). And while the effect is stunning in most cases (armies of droid soldiers, the Pod race, the final Gungan/Federation battle, etc), there are just so many instances of this effect and so many scenes where Lucas wanted CGI to represent the action, that it kind of distances the viewer so they can take in the whole effect, instead of immersing them in the action headlong. I guess I just missed that one-on-one feeling.

Neeson gave his Qui-Gon all the weight and determination that a Jedi Master should have, along with just the right amount of confidence and swagger to give you the impression of an intergalactic John Wayne. And McGregor did an admirable Obi-Wan, with an undercurrent of the energy and passion he conveyed in Trainspotting; he even managed a hint of Alec Guinness in his voice at times. I also liked Ian McDiarmid’s Chancellor Palpatine - smiling and compassionate, only hinting at the vile monster he was to become.

But there are choices herein that could have been rethought. Portman is a good actress (Beautiful Girls, Mars Attacks!) but as Amidala, her haughty voice and proper airs make her performance as pale as her royal makeup, and only half as memorable as her elaborate costumes. Sure, she fires a gun and makes demands, but she’s not as strong-willed as her daughter would become (Princess Leia/Carrie Fisher). Maybe it skips a generation?

Best created another CGI character as the maladroit Jar Jar, and some kids enjoyed his Buster Keaton-ish antics in the final battle. But think: wasn’t he squared solely at the kids, so they would pay attention to the film from time to time? And the whole Gungan language he employed was supremely annoying (I couldn‘t believe it when he was trying to get the Jedi’s attention and shouted out, “Ex-SQUEEZE me!” Good lord.). I won’t even go into the racial issue of Jar Jar’s body language, slow-wittedness and vocal inflections; so much has been made of it from others, I’m surprised they just didn’t go back to the drawing board on this one. There’s even copies of Menace circulating around with many of Jar Jar’s scenes edited out, if that tells you anything about his final tolerability level.

And now we get to Jake Lloyd. I really struggled to like him as Anakin; this was, after all, supposed to be back in the days before he became the supreme villain feared the universe over. Admittedly, Lloyd handled well a couple of scenes with his mother Shmi (Pernilla August, very good), demonstrating the strong bond between them that would figure later on. For the remainder of the time, unfortunately, Lloyd’s blank little face and nasal monotone does little to emote youthful amazement with Jedis (“Nothing can kill a Jedi.”), beautiful girls (“Are you an angel?”) or competition against Pod Race rival Sebulba - they resort to Lloyd speaking in that creature’s language - which I’m afraid he brings as much inflection to as regular English. It’s a shame, too; the good parts he had were very good.

Like I said before, though, there are good actors here. Samuel L. Jackson essays Jedi Master Mace Windu very subtlety; Terence Stamp plays Chancellor Valorum well if only briefly (he could have had more screen time in deference to some others); and Yoda returns also, with broad assist from Frank Oz; wise as ever, if a bit more youthful in looks (bushier hair, clearer eyes, etc). Even Brian Blessed’s CGI turn as Gungan Boss Nass is as bold as Blessed as Lord Vultan in 1980’s Flash Gordon - which is a good thing.

On the subject of characters, however, I cannot go without mentioning in length the contributions of Ray Park as Darth Maul. A fearsome sight in red and black facial markings and hateful yellow eyes that forever glare, Maul had little dialogue but this was a character that didn’t need them. The two battles he has represented all that he did not say. Park was already a second degree black belt in Wushu which gave him an agility unimagined in fights; leaping from point to point effortlessly, swinging an impressive two-edged light saber and blocking shot after shot with ease - Darth Maul was indeed one of the most impressive creatures in this whole film. Yet, he left the same impression as Crispin Glover’s hitman character in McG’s version of Charlie‘s Angels, albeit with more action figures.

In the end, this was yet again a very big money maker for the Star Wars franchise. But would it have done any better if less attention had been paid to some areas (less CGI, fewer technical “ooh”s and “ahh”s) and more to others (some different casting choices in crucial points, some characters eliminated entirely)? Maybe it would have been better, maybe worse. After I finished watching Menace, I couldn’t help but feel (in spite of all the wonder and majesty I had just seen) underwhelmed. And that’s not how it should have been; this is Star Wars we’re talking about - you shouldn’t feel short-changed, expecting more after seeing so much. Shouldn’t you also feel enlightened mentally, as well as visually?

Don’t get me wrong; I own the Menace DVD and watch it often; marveling at the sights, intrigued by the behind-the-scenes extras and so forth. But the movie itself? Sometimes, one’s present is far more intriguing than one’s history.

So it goes in a galaxy far, far away, too.