Happy Fourth Of July, My Fellow North American Citizens!

Okay, it's that time again!  And yes, I posted about same time last year....

If you have been an American at least once in your life, , saluted the U.S. flag, recited the Pledge of Allegiance, sang "The Star-Spangled Banner" or thought they should erect a butter sculpture to Kate Smith, then this is the holiday for you, Mister And Missus America, and all the shrimps at sea.

The Fourth of this month is the most special day for we Amerikaaners, fireworks makers, hot dog and apple pie manufacturers and Tommy Lasorda.  Yessiree bob: this is teh day we all go to parades and salute each flag that passes - and brudda, there'll be a lot of them.

And what better way to celebrate than to celebrate it with a man for whom this holiday would not be the same without: James Cagney.

What, you ask?

How soon they forget you Oscar-winning stuff, Jimmy:



Happy Fourth, all!  Now go launch some fireworks!

Dope out.

- TGWD

Happy Father's Day, All You Daddy-O's!

Since Moms had their day a month or so back, I guess it's only fair that Dads get their day in the sun, even though it's one of those holidays that really get the short shrift.

I mean, let's face it, guys; women give birth, make the important decisions, manage the money, maintain a workable home environment and make sure the kids wear clean underwear in case they're ever in an accident.

What do we do?  Mow the yard and watch professional wrestling in our BVDs.

...or was that just MY Dad?

Anyway, at least Dads the world over get a day to shine, for the kids to scrape something together at the last minute and say, "hey Dad; here ya go." - not like they had a whole year to prepare since the last one or anything...yeah, remember last year, when you got a $10 gift card to Arby's and a tie with a hula girl on it?

But lest we forget, there ARE worse examples of Dads out there:

You could be Randy Quaid trying to get your son to eat whatever kind of meat you have in your refrigerator at the time...

You could be Billy Crystal AND Robin Williams pulling every Laurel and Hardy stunt in the book trying to reconnect with a teenage son that might be one of theirs.  Maybe.

Or you could be Ted Danson.

Twice.























Anyways, have a great day, Dads of all ages, braces and types, and I would have given you a video like every other holiday but...uh...the stores were all closed when I went out to find one for you.  Yesterday.  Maybe next year, huh?

Dope out.

- TGWD

Happy Memorial Day, All You Armed Forces People!

Okay, usually I crack a joke or make wise about another holiday coming upon us, but this is different.

Today is a day that we Americans (being in America, a it were) take to thank the people who are in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and so forth for risking their lives, putting their necks on the line every day to defend this land so that we typical Americans can sit back and complain about this country and how rotten it is to be in such a falling-apart country and....

You see what I'm getting at?  We take for granted a little, I think, what these people do because, let's face it, a lot of times we take this country for granted.  I've done it before and I know I'm not the only one.  But we still need to thank the people who defend us from other countries and forces who want to take away our liberties.

So as my own personal way of thanking them, all you soldiers past and present, allow me to thank you the only way this site can: by showing you the trailer for the most important war film ever.



Happy Memorial Day...and remember to buy Bonds.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Happy Mother's Day, All You Mothers!

I know, I know; not every mother is a Joan Crawford, just like not every mother is a Donna Reed or a Harriet Nelson. 

But still, if you're a mother, this is your day to shine, be appreciated and be treated to a nice bunch of flowers, box of chocolates, a nice meal out, that kinda thing.

Unless you are Joan Crawford. In which case...you probably aren't reading this because you're dead.  But ANYWAY....

Allow me to extend my gratitude of mothers because, without you, none of us would be here.  So thanks, moms, for...getting pregnant, I guess.

Gee, this is really not going the way I thought it would; I better wrap this up.

Here's a video for all the mothers out there.  I hope you enjoy.



Well, until next year, moms.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Happy Star Wars Day, All You Padawans!

Believe it or not, I really do like Star Wars.  I've liked the movies from back in the day -sure, there have been some missteps here and there but overall, I enjoy the movies, the characters, the settings, the whole thing.

As a matter of fact, the only reason I'd have for going back in time is to go back to early 1977 and get caught up in the rush of the first Star Wars film - the one that started it all and made us all dream of a galaxy far far away....

I was such a SW geek; I still have a big scrapbook of clippings and pictures and stuff from back in the day with every possible thing you could find that had to do with Luke, Han Leia, Chewie, Artoo, Threepio and Darth.  I even have my Burger Chef glasses!  Don't you??

So a Happy Star Wars Day to all of you and as an added bonus, a visual gift for you.  Something that is quite possibly the most awesome thing to ever feature someone green.



May the FOURTH (haha) be with you.

And Dope out.

- TGWD

Hop (2011)

SPOILER: I'm going to probably spoil a lot of plot points here for any one of you who want to see this movie. If you're one of those people...well, I feel sorry for you and don't read this until after you've seen it. For all you others, let's hit the plastic grass running.

Okay, I have to get this off of my chest first. I know that people like to watch seasonal movies because there is no better way to celebrate a given holiday. I'm all for it, but you know what; why would you want to make a movie that makes you NOT want to celebrate that holiday?

It's a Wonderful Life makes you want to celebrate Christmas and good will towards men and all. Halloween actually puts me in the mood for scary masks, dark nights, lots of candy and general scariness. The Quiet Man is the perfect movie for St. Patrick's Day. Groundhog Day is great to watch on...well, you get the idea of what I mean.

And it's not like we have a dearth of Easter movies. Fred Astaire's Easter Parade is a good one, so are Jesus Christ Superstar, Meet Me In St. Louis and Harvey (What? ...it has a rabbit in it!). Then we have a whole slew of kiddie movies and TV specials that deal with the Easter Bunny and his various incarnations and adventures to choose from.

WHY, then, did someone feel the need to slop one more Easter Bunny tale into an already-overloaded basket by giving us a CGI-dominated live-action cartoon about not only an Easter Bunny, but an Easter Bunny who'd rather do something else???

This is what we get in the movie Hop, which not only has loads of fluffy bunnies, fuzzy yellow chicks and a Technicolor world of candy, eggs, bows, ribbons and baskets, but stupidly contrived situations, sitcom-level humor and the outrageous misuse of three (THREE) actor's voices who are the most talented, entertaining and delightful voices to listen to.

Let's hop head-first into this gaping maw of a plot: starting far off on Easter Island (naturally), this is the story of E.B. (voiced by Russel Brand), the Easter Bunny's teenage son whom is poised to take over the business from his dad - who is never known as anything more than E.B.'s Dad but is more-or-less the Easter Bunny (voiced by Hugh Laurie). However, E.B. has bigger fish to fry and larger eggs to hide as he decides to chuck it all and head to Hollywood, determined to become a drummer in a rock 'n' roll band.

Once E.B.'s Dad discovers his disappearance, he calls out The Pink Berets (female bunnies in pink berets, natch, and with commando fighting moves) to fetch him back before the big day (Easter), which is only a couple of weeks away. Meanwhile, the head of the Easter factory, a fuzzy little chick named Carlos (voiced by Hank Azaria) determines to take over the whole trade and wrest the Magical Easter Sceptre away from the bunnies so that he and his fuzzy yellow minions will rule the holiday forever and stuff the kids' baskets with chicken feed and nice plump night crawlers. Yum.

Now with E.B. in Los Angeles, he almost immediately gets hit by a car driven by professional slacker Fred O'Hare (James Marsden), who is house-sitting for a client of his sister Sam (Kaley Cuoco), and trying to get a job so as to get his nagging dad Henry (Gary Cole) and disappointed mom Bonnie (Elizabeth Perkins) off his back. Once convinced that this anthropomorphic talking bunny is actually a soon-to-be Easter Bunny and wants to be something more than what he is, Fred tries to help him and, in the process, help himself.

Along the way they will run into David Hasselhoff, man-eating dobermans, The Blind Boys of Alabama, a grade-school play and a showdown with Carlos and his cute adorable yellow foot soldiers as they all threaten to destroy Easter forever.

Oh, this'll no doubt be gobbled up by the Disney Channel crowd who craves loud music, dumb grown-ups and colorful characters, but let me get to a few points first of all, for those of you who crave the facts of the matter.

The direction, by Tim Hill, will surprise absolutely no one who has seen Hill's previous directing credits - Muppets From Space, Max Keeble's Big Move and two other animated hits, Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties and Alvin And The Chipmunks. All is big and colorful and as subtle as an Easter Egg under a steam roller. To be honest, the look of this film is what's to be expected of most kid's movies nowadays - with the only adornment in the CGI, rather than the S-T-O-R-Y.

This script, concocted as it is by Cinco Paul, Ken Daurio and Brian Lynch, gives us a storyline that is no more or less complicated than your average sitcom episode, with the prerequisite big dumb adults who don't understand anything and the kids who understand things all too well. This was old news when John Hughes initiated it into the American subconscious back in the Eighties. But with one major change this time around:

Instead of focusing on the Easter Bunny - or even the Easter Bunny's offspring, this story is all focusing on Fred, this late-in-life slacker/loser who's supposed to be at least in his twenties but looks all of his 30+ years here. I mean, here is someone who has no motivation, no desire to leave the nest and puts absolutely no effort into trying to better his lot in life. And the film even starts off - during the beginning credits - as showing how Fred himself becomes the NEXT EASTER BUNNY! I swear to you, they spoil their own movie before the titles are even finished!! So what Hop amounts to is a flashback movie about how past events led up to the beginning exposition.

Okay movie, you ruined your own story for me. Now how are you gonna make it up to me? And no one better sing "I Want Candy", either....

Everybody in this movie is stupid. And I mean everybody. Cole doesn't show any of the glimmer of style and hipness he did in his breakthrough TV series "Midnight Caller" or even as the unctuous boss in Office Space. Elizabeth Perkins is a million light years removed from her sparkling turns in movies like Big, Sweet Hearts Dance, The Doctor and even her turn as Celia in the TV series "Weeds". Cuoco is basically playing her character in "10 Simple Rules", only not as bright. And Marsden....

Ooooohhh...Marsden. He does his whole grinning idiot shtick for the umpteenth time and, while it apparently served him well in the remake of Death At A Funeral, it just makes him look like the poster boy for Ultra Bright here. When you go from playing Cyclops in the X-Men movies and get a semi-respectable series of film roles in such works as The Notebook, The Box and a winning turn in the Disney Studios spin on their own fairy tales Enchanted, and go down to a role that might as well have gone to Jason Lee acting against CGI chipmunks, you've definitely made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

The cartoon voices, to be honest, do fare better. But you expect a lot more from them. Brand invests E.B. with what you would expect a big-eyed, floppy-eared bunny in a ratty blue plaid flannel shirt to sound like. Brand's high voice usually strains for upper-class British twit-ness but here seems to fit a younger character quite well. You'd expect that, I'd guess, but from one of comedy's bad boys? In a kids' film? About Easter? Unexpected, I'll give him that much. Fans of Get Him To The Greek and Forgetting Sarah Marshall will wish he had more to say and the ability to say it how he wants to. He's just playing it cutesy here (as he should, I suppose), but it just lacks the oomph you expect.

Same goes for Laurie, who's more familiar with kiddie fare (see 1996's 101 Dalmatians redux and Stuart Little for examples), and also has a voice that resonates and can be outright silly when the situation calls for it. But playing E.B.'s stuffy dad doesn't give him much more to do than to act stuffy. It's like watching Alastair Sim play a mute butler who doesn't get a chance to move very much. I would have loved to have heard him make a lot more out of his opportunity but, alas, he doesn't.

The best voice in the whole thing belongs to Azaria, who does vocal acrobatics around his counterparts as a Latin-tongued Easter chick who often breaks into malevolent diatribes and declamatory speeches to his followers. You look forward to Carlos' scenes the most because - let's face it - the villain is usually the most interesting part in kids' movies like this. And Azaria knows it...at least that was one good move on the film-makers' parts.

In fact, it would seem that Hill and his writers didn't even care about any of their live actors. This isn't about them anyway, no matter what the story tells us. This is about their cute little CGI characters. And there are a lot of them here. Hundreds of bunnies, thousands of chicks. Universal Pictures seems to have fallen into the same rut that Dreamworks Pictures has: all of their kiddie product has become so dumbed down and cloying that the image is more the message than the actual script is. And while the animators' list goes on for a country mile, and there are fabulous images here and there - the inside of the Easter candy factory is dazzling, as is the detail in every bunny whisker and bit of fluff on a downy chick - but this is the whole thing that Hop hangs its bunny ears on. The look. Which is there, but that's it.

The script lets us down time and again. While purporting to be about poor little E.B. and him being torn between what he wants to do and what he should do, we also bounce into clumsy human antics, Marsden falling all over himself and mugging into the camera every five minutes, unexplained scenes by the carload (What use is there in the whole mansion-sitting thing, if you're not going to even have a scene where Fred checks out every room in the house, accidentally trips an alarm or something funny like that? Why have guard dogs if they're not going to be used in the story but two or three times? Why don't other humans who see E.B. move and talk make a bigger deal about a walking and talking rabbit? Why does E.B. poop jelly beans, exactly - if just for a lame sight gag?) and a thoroughly unwarranted cameo by David Hasselhoff.

David Hasselhoff. Remember how funny his cameo was in The Spongebob Squarepants Movie? Don't expect that here: if you've seen an episode of "America's Got Talent", you've seen all you need to of Hasselhoff here. He makes a "Knight Rider" reference, wears his black leather pants and matching jacket, looks around him in a daze then walks away to greet his adoring fans. That's it.

Oh, and when it comes to unwarranted cameos, what exactly is Hugh Hefner doing in a kiddie movie? Sure, E.B. has to show up at the Playboy Mansion under the pretense that there's a bunny head on the front gate, but Hugh Hefner? Even in voice alone? How would YOU like to be the parent explaining the significance of Hugh to six year-old Cindy while the other adults in the audience give a knowing chuckle?

Is there anything good in Hop? Besides the CGI? One scene: in the mansion Fred's babysitting, his sister Sam checks up on him and discovers E.B. in a pile of stuffed animals and snuggles him, to which the bunny strokes her hair and lasciviously makes the most of, at one point even trying to steal a kiss, as Fred pantomimes anguish and frustration towards him. That was funny.

In the end, nothing in Hop really makes you want to celebrate Easter. This is all just another repackaging of a holiday for the modern-day attention-deficit mentality of audiences. Which, by that definition, seems to have worked: this $63 million enterprise earned back its whole budget plus in two weeks' time and I'm sure will earn even more. Not that this is something to be proud of, mind you.

I don't know what I was expecting from Hop, but it certainly wasn't something that celebrated the advent into holiday films of dumb humor, slackers finding themselves and raw turkeys in flannel shirts being mistaken for rabbits half their size. I guess I was expecting something more...I don't know...more Eastery.

As it is, Hop will make you want to renounce your Easter bonnet...but you will love the fluffy animals.

Just don't eat any of their jelly beans.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, All You St. Patrickans!

Well, it's time to wear green, pick clovers, dye rivers in green dye, have parades in Chicago and say that you're Irish, even if you're not.

With this being St. Patrick's Day and all, what better time would there be?

And of course with this being st. Patrick's Day, I guess we can also do other typical things, such as hunt for rainbows...

...look for leprechauns...

...get pots of gold...

...drink green beer...

Important stuff like that.

And now I shall leave you with another important facet of St. Patrick's Day: watching Porky Pig deal with everything except green beer.

Enjoy this classic cartoon and please pardon the stereotypes - it's okay: it's St. Patrick's Day.



So Happy St. Patrick's Day, and don't get pinched.

Dope out.

- TGWD

And Now, A Special Valentine Card For All My Loyal Readers...

2010: That Was The Dope That Was...

Well, as I stand here at the butt-end of another year, it only seems fitting for me to look back at what I hath wrought both as a reviewer AND as a blogger, seeing what - if anything - I have accomplished.

Well, first off, I can proudly say that I have been doing the same thing for five years now and, hard as it is to believe, I'm still doing it. Granted there have been some rough spots, half-thought posts and an overall air of sloppiness in this here project of love of mine. But leave us to face facts: at least it's MY sloppy project of love.

Now, as far as my accomplishments in this blog this year....

* This was the year I celebrated my first Dope-A-Palooza, in celebration of my fifth year of blogging. It was quite a month full of stuff and, along with that, my very first contest in which the winner (or was that LOSER) got their very own copy of my very own feature film, Death 4 Told. Alex from Film Forager was the proud recipient and was all too glad to tell us of the fact, too. Bless your heart, dear; you're a good sport. And just to show there w ere no hard feelings after the fact, she still posts here time after time. Love you too, Alex.

* This was also the year I became a LAMB. That is, a part of an organization of movie bloggers that don't mind having me as a member. It's a good feeling and Jason Soto of Invasion of the B-Movies is responsible for bringing me into the fold. Thanks, pal; this is the first time I've joined anything that didn't require a cash membership fee nor a jacket and tie - AND all I have to do is this! Easy....

* I also broke the magic number of 100 movie reviews this year thanks to diligence and perseverance. It's kinda like losing 100 pounds only you actually get 100 instead of losing it and it's not as fattening...unless you eat stuff as you watch. THEN it's fattening. Still, I couldn't have done it without Jerry Lewis and World War II to help me out.

* This year also marked the ongoing series of not only Foreign Poster Atrocities and The Adventures of Big Giant Robot but also some new things like The Worst Posters Ever!!! and TGWD's Photo and Poetry Corner, not to mention my well-honed observations as to why 1985 Was The Worst Year For Movies. That was my favorite.

* And here's a big thing; with this review I am now at 226 postings for 2010 - the most I've had for any year so far. Not as easy as it sounds, and I did ignore 139 or so other days, but you know what? I still think I did a good job writing what I did. Even if a lot of it was posting YouTube videos...those vids are there for a reason, folks; never be too proud to push the "SHARE" button over at YouTube.com....

* Guess what else? I also got up to 64 followers on the blog-er-roo! Okay, I did lose one and another I can't show their avatar because it's just too...too...inappropriate, but hey: at least 63 is a respectable number, too. Remember the good old days when I would quip about my twelve faithful readers? I have more than that now, but even if only 12 of them comment on what I have to say, that still makes me happy.

So I guess you can say that I've done quite a bit with what I have to work with here. Heck, my gracious benefactor Andrew even renewed my domain!! He is a good man, proud to have him for a friend. Hmm...gonna haveta see about him doing a guest review or somethin'....

And now, with this being my very last post of 2010: I guess I should make a resolution.

...

On second thought, I think I'll just keep doin' what I've been doin'. Worked great so far.

Thanks again to all of you who do follow me for whatever sadistic, masochistic reason you follow me. If not for you, my writings would just sit there and be unread, save for me reading them over and over. You guys are great. Thanks for everything!

As I wrap this up, allow me to end this as any blog post should end this time of the year: with a ball drop.



Hmm. Not quite what I had in mind, but whatcha gonna do?

Have a great new year's, gang and - for the last time this year - Dope out.

- TGWD

A Christmas Card For All My Loyal Readers...

Five Gifts Suggestions For People You Don't Really Want To Give Gifts To

Well, December has snuck up on us as it usually does...right after November.

We now realize that in a matter of days we will be caught in the frenzy of others who are thinking, like you, "Oh, I have a bunch of people I don't want to really buy gifts for and they're expecting something from me, what am I gonna do???"...like I am.

Never fear, though. I'm here to help you (and me) out.

If you have way too many people to buy things for then the best thing to do would be to go the "doddering grand-parent" route - meaning to get those people stuff they would never ever dream of wanting at all.

No, not "something they'd never buy for themselves", but something they don't want at all.

There's a difference.

Think about it: they'd still be your friends or family, but as far as gifts go, they'd never dream of wanting to get another gift from you. They would simply decide you have really bad taste in gifts, let it go at that and just settle for your friendship/family relation status. Without the hassle of holiday gifting.

And 9 times out of 10, the most expense you'll have in it is the cost of wrapping it up.

Now let's begin and, keep in mind, these are all things that most everyone can get a hold of just about anywhere.
















A JAR OF DIRT This can be a baby food-sized jar, too. And dirt - look outside, there it is! Scoop it up, put a lid on it then tell the recipient, "Hey, you remember when you were telling me how much you love so-and-so (use the name of their favorite celebrity)? Well, they walked on this patch of land right here!" They'll take the jar, yeah, but they'll also think twice about telling you how much they like anyone else! And that's one person gifted!





















UP TO FOUR (4) PENNIES Pennies. Because no one spends them, and make sure it's never more than four - they can always change those over for a nickel or whatever. And give them the old chestnut, "I wanted to give you something that would make you realize that our relationship is worth more than mere money", or "Hey, four pennies for four thoughts!" or something stupid like that. Besides, who is going to turn down money? Even pennies??
























A BLURRY, OUT-OF-FOCUS PICTURE Now this can be an old picture you find in an old photo album, something in a drawer from your old Polaroid One Step you used to have or, if you work in a One-Hour Photo shop somewhere, just sift through the reject bin! Tell the giftee, "Remember that old friend/relative/vacation that we wished we had a picture of? Well, I found one!", give them the pic and try to convince them the indistinguishable blob in the picture is something or someone they remember fondly. Good powers of convincing are a must for this one.

















A COUPON FOR A STORE NOWHERE NEAR THEM This is a good one. First, check and make sure where the recipient lives and make for certain there's no great stores or restaurants within a 50-75 mile radius (on second thought, make it 100), verify your information, then then get coupons for these places for them, and as an added bonus, make sure that the coupons expire the day before you gift 'em. Then you can be all, "Oh, I'm sorry, these were valid when I found them". What are they gonna say?


















A BUNDLE OF LAST MONTH'S MAGAZINES They shouldn't be any older; just grab up a bunch at the doctor's office when they're not looking. And make sure they're the ones that no one reads like Modern Maturity and Redbook and that Oprah magazine. Not Reader's Digest or Highlights; they might find something interesting in those. And make sure you're all excited and enthusiastic when you give them and then, when they open them and look at you incredulously, joyfully explain, " I know how much you love reading!" - they'll smile, but it'll be a tentative one, to be sure.

And there you go. Five easy-to-get-and-give gifts. That should take care of a lot of your gifting right there. Then take the money you save on gifts and get yourself something really nice.

You're welcome.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Happy Thanksgiving, My Fellow Turkeys!

Well, that day is finally here where we're surrounded by people we only see one - maybe two or three - times a year and feel uncomfortable around as we fight for the last of the rolls and who get the drumstick and which part of the turkey went over the fence last and take bets on who will get drunk first and bring up Aunt Rachel's botched breast job or why your nephew was denied parole....

No, I'm kidding; we're actually celebrating a bunch of British people landing here and forcing their beliefs on the Native Americans who were here first. Didn't you remember that from 1995's Pocahontas?

Anyway, as my way to celebrate, enjoy one of the best Tex Avery efforts ever: Jerky Turkey.



Now, go take a tryptophan nap pilgrim.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Happy Veterans Day, All You Veterans!

It's late in the day, but I wish to extend a heartfelt thanks to all of you in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines who have risked both life and limb to protect this land, fight for the rights of all our people and make us as safe as humanly possible.

To all of the veterans out there, thank you for doing your duty and serving your country; we are all grateful for what you have done for us.

And as a way to thank you for the job you've done, allow me to post a small cartoon of someone who is not only recognized as the ultimate Navy man, but in this one instance, also did his best to be an Army man, too.

Courtesy of Max Fleischer, here is Popeye in "In The Army Now". Enjoy!





And again, Happy Veterans Day.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Halloween Costumes - From Our Friends At MST3K!

You guys know how much I love Halloween, what with all the free candy and Michael Myers scuffing around the neighborhood.

And you also know how much I worship "Mystery Science Theater 3000", what with the Mads and the 'Bots and the bad movies and TV's Frank and all.

So with "The Big Night" nigh, and you sitting there checking your Facebook status and all, are you wondering what you are possibly going to be?

No problem! Let Joel Robinson, Crow and Tom Servo help! All you need are some everyday items around the house - and, in one case, a head as small as Tom Servo's.




Happy costuming, and Happy Halloween, all you Halloweeners!

Dope out.

- TGWD

Happy 4th of July, My Fellow Americans!

I realize it's been awhile since I gave notice to the celebration of this place I live in.

Country-wise, that is.

After all, there's a lot of military forces who fought and died so I could sit here and slack off and be a smart-aleck. Don't think for a second I don't appreciate it, either.

No matter what political party you affiliate yourself with, how many times you vote, whether or not you like the current Prez or not (let's not get into one of THOSE conversations here, 'kay?), this is my country. And if you live here and are natural born or sworn in at Ellis Island, this is your country, too.

...unless you're one of those rogue Russian sleeper agents who are waiting for your trigger word to snap out of it and get invited to lower-level government meetings at the Pentagon mailroom to hear the latest gossip about the Clintons or Bushes or whatever,,,

And so we need to stand up and celebrate what this country is all about. Being true to your school, so to speak, and appreciating those who came before and lived, fought and died for our rights to be diplomatic Americans and whine and complain about the current political climate.

After all, that's what the 4th is all about.

And fireworks. Can't forget about that.



So, Happy Fourth of July, everyone in the continental U.S., and Alaska and Hawaii!

And to everyone else in the world...have a nice day!

Dope out.

-TGWD

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

In further celebration of the Dope-A-Palooza, I present to you, dear reader, a review of a movie that holds a special place in both my heart and my DVD shelf. And you're about to find out why.

It's not every day that you can wander into your super-duper mega multiplex, plop down your hard-earned cash, buy a $12 bag of popcorn, turn off your cellphone, wander through a maze of hallways to find Theater #48 and sit in an uncomfortable plastic seat, try to ignore the geek behind you talking all through the movie and the teen couple next to you making out, all to watch a movie that will hopefully make every indignity you just went through worth it.

You have to be picky; you really do, for as much as tickets and snacks and so forth cost. No wonder people do all they can to get free passes, catch bargain matinees, smuggle in their own food and go to movies in the middle of the week to avoid all the annoying weekenders. Your time and money are too precious to have it ruined by price-gouging and stupidity.

Then, what if the movie sucks???

This is why watching flicks on your laptop is such a viable option.

Back in the day, however, this was not an option, and movie theaters knew it. When you shelled out your bucks for a movie, this was THE EVENT of the week for you; and it had better be a danged good one or, by golly, you'd complain to management - or better yet, go all the way to the top and complain to that guy who owns the lion that roars at the beginning of the movie. And theaters did everything they possibly could to make the experience pleasurable - nice comfy seats, cheap snacks, ushers who actually kept everybody quiet. In fact, the only thing they couldn't do to make the evening perfect was...make a bad movie better.

The thing is this: bad movies are a fact of life and, like it or not, even back in the day they had to have them if just to make the public-at-large appreciate your Citizen Kanes and Wizards of Oz and Gone With The Windses. Even then, it wasn't always quality; it was quantity. The more movies a studio had out there on your friendly neighborhood screen, the more you'd go out, hoping the next experience would be even better than the last - sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn't - and who did this the most?

Kids.

After all, a lot of them had to go to the movies so that their folks could get things done around the house, do some shopping, mom could get her hair done, dad could get the car worked on, that kind of thing. During the holidays, movie theaters were even more a drop-off point for parents than a day care center. They kept the kids entertained while they did the Christmas shopping, the kids were entertained and everybody was happy.

And the theater owners? They were on Clouds 9, 10, 11 and 12.

The more kids that came in during the holidays, the more money they made and honestly, they didn't care if the movie was good - as long as it had the main things they were looking for, they were happy. The big three things they wanted were as follows:

1) lots of bright colors and/or lights,
2) characters they recognized,
3) grown-ups acting funny/stupid.

Going back to the holidays; film-makers realized that if they made a cheapo Christmas film for the kiddies to watch while Mommy and Daddy went out shopping for the little brats, there was a goldmine 'o money to be made. As long as they kept their budgets small, the casting reasonable and the story familiar. And they were right - with these things in check, there was a market for their product and money to be had.

This was a theory that was proven time and again during the holidays; look at films like 1959's Mexican import Santa Claus, with a dubbed Saint Nick relying on magic straight from Merlin the Magician to help him make his rounds and defeat the forces of Hell embodied by scrawny devil's minion Scratch. 1970's Santa and the 3 Bears had an animated tale of a mama bear and her two cubs struggling to stay awake to see Santa Claus, all while looking for everything like Yogi and Boo-Boo were gonna show up any second.

Then there was that shadowy time in the Sixties; a time when kids were starting to get a little more cynical - they cared more about outer space and rocket ships and aliens with scrooch guns than they did about Father Christmas, the holiday spirit and the North Pole. What was an enterprising producer to do?

Well, if your name was Joseph E. Levine, you combine 'em!

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is nothing more nor less than the simple mixture of Yuletide storytelling, razzle-dazzle science fiction and the screams of the soulless doomed echoing from the depths of hell...okay, maybe I was kidding about the "razzle-dazzle" part.

It all starts out simply with the adults of the planet Mars worrying about their children (all two of them) not getting enough sleep and sitting in front of their Martian TVs watching Earth transmissions (Hey! They stealin' our cable?) and since it's the holiday season here they happen to catch stories about the jolly old elf himself....

The Martians, led by Kimar - not the home of Blue Light Specials, but the leader of Mars (Leonard Hicks) - go to the oldest (and by default, wisest) man on Mars - who appears by way of lightning bolt (hey, I just tell what happens), looks like a seriously-addled Mahatma Gandhi and declares "Mars needs Santa Claus" then he disappears again, leaving the adults with one option only: kidnap Santa and force him to make all the Martians children (all two of them) happy again. Ahhh, THERE'S the holiday spirit!

So, Kimar and his men go down, kidnap a couple of kids (Victor Stiles, Donna Conforti) to show them the way and keep them aboard ship while they set out to the North Pole to kidnap the little Saint Nick (John Call, who seems to play his role by laughing out every line he says - just a mite TOO jolly if you ask me). The bad guys succeed in their mission, air-blast freezing anyone who gets in their way.

Naturally Santa takes it all in stride, chuckling and 'ho-ho-ho'-ing every few minutes, even when it doesn't make sense to. But what are you going to do, tell him to shut up and get a lump of coal?

The Martians all seem to take kindly to Pere Noel and find themselves warming to the Christmas Spirit embodied by him and his corny jokes ("Martian"-mallows, indeed).

Now, there's conspiracy in the ranks as bad guy Martian Voldar (Vincent Beck) grumbles and leers like a green Snidley Whiplash and tries to kill Santa and the Earth kids by getting them sucked out an air lock which they escape by crawling through an air vent therein (I didn't design the ship, don't ask me). They should have expected something bad from the only guy on Mars with a droopy black mustache.

Oh wait! I almost didn't mention Dropo! The laziest man on Mars! It's Bill McCutcheon, who many "chick-flick" aficionados may remember as Shirley MacLaine's beau Owen in Steel Magnolias. Well, here he plays a green-faced Pinky Lee and jumps, mugs, pratfalls and chortles his way from one scene to the next. Not fair to say he steals the film when no one was actually guarding it to begin with. But hey, he's a bright spot so let's go with that. Anyway, he shows up here and there whenever there's a slow spot in the script (but not nearly as much as he needs to).

When Santa and the Earth kids are brought to Mars to meet Momar - not Qadaffi, but Kimar's wife (Leila Martin), she greets them warmly with gentle little head-butts and the Martian kids (all two of them), Earth kids and Santa all laugh together. Loudly. And borderline psychotically. How sweet. And they also think to create a Martian toy factory for Santa to work in; push a few buttons, there's your toys!

Of course, when Voldar gets wind of this, he and his two henchmen (made up of Muldoon from "Car 54 Where are You?" and the BundleFly Machine version of Jamie Farr/Charlie Callas) try to sabotage the machine and end up kidnapping Dropo, who is dressed up like Santa for reasons too stupid to get into.

This leads to poorly-choreographed fight scenes, more mugging than in a Three Stooges marathon and a denouement that The Monkees would back off from as being too "out there". But by the end, lest they scar the kiddies in the audience any more then they already have, the film-makers set all aright on Mars, Dropo is made a Martian Santa (a bouncing, borderline psychotic one, but...) and Santa and the Earth kids are sent back to their home planet as Santa shouts another "Merry Christmas" to his homies. A few end credits and a sing-along later, and it's all over.

If this all sounds outlandish and the product of an addled mind, then congratulations: you've been paying attention. This is all created from a story by Paul L. Jacobson (who appears to be no stranger to fever dreams) and is presented by more-accustomed-to-TV director Nicholas Webster with bright flashy sets, outlandish costumes and lots of loud, brassy, repetitive music (courtesy of Milton DeLugg - and the Band with a Thug). I can sing the theme song in my sleep and often wake up screaming on doing so - S-A-N-T-A, C-L-A-U-S, HOORAY FOR SANTY CLAUS!!!! And yes, you have to yell it when you sing it; that's how it was written.

For a budget of $200,000, producer Levine proved he knew from whence he spoke as SCCTM went on to make money hand over fist every Christmas season it played. Rightly-thinking that even the cheapest and cheap-jack-est effort would be watched over and over again when offered at the right time, he made a nice little mountain of bucks for himself. Oh sure, this was the man who also produced films like The Graduate, The Lion In Winter and Carnal Knowledge, but we all gotta start somewhere....

I like SCCTM, though. Always have; in fact, this is the first movie I ever remember watching as a child...while mommy was out shopping for a new bra or somethin'. What impressionable little kid couldn't be changed for life by watching something like this; a movie whose featured attack by a polar bear refuses to hide the fact that this bear's hind legs are longer than its fronts and look suspiciously like some guy in a dumb suit with a fixed mask wandering around fake snow. Or a killer robot in a suit made of a trash can, dryer vent tubing, a coffee urn and headlights worn by a guy (maybe the same guy as the polar bear suit). And even a newscaster reporting that a flying saucer has been seen by many witnesses as it sailed merrily through the skies but "The Soviets claim no responsibility".

I'll love it, no matter the season. This is a classic and should not be regulated to one time of year - why can't the spirit of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians be with us all year around?

Oh, I forgot that it is: only we call it by its more-familiar name "Middle Ear Infection".

...but I kid the green-skinned Santa-kidnapping aliens.

Happy Father's Day, Guys!

And what better way to celebrate the day than to celebrate someone who is arguably the most recognized father of all time?




































Happy Father's Day, and here's hoping that your kids don't blow up your stuff.

Dope out.

- TGWD

In Honor of Cinco de Mayo...

You may remember a few posts back when I commented that something needed to be done about getting the Grindhouse trailer Machete made into a feature-length film, and I suggested starting a grass roots endeavor to get 'er done, so to speak.

Well, guess what?

It worked.

Behold the best (NSFW) Cinco de Mayo present anyone could hope for.

...except maybe Arizona.

Good work, troops. At lease.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Merry Christmas! AND...

I got you a new page layout!

You like it; I saw it in a window and just couldn't resist it.

I hope you like it - I don't have the receipt so I can't return it.

So, Merry Christmas!

Happy Hannukah!

Great Kwanzaa!

Terrific Festivus!

Have a nice Friday!

Dope out.

- TGWD

Merry Christmas! ...Eve.

Right about now, with all of your presents bought months in advance and festively wrapped, sitting beneath your lavishly-decorated tree, you sit back and relax with a holiday beverage of your choice, listening to soft, soothing carols and watching the fire crackle in the fireplace as the snow gently drifts outside your window....

Oh, who are we kidding - you're worn to a frazzle, haven't got any of your presents bought, tree's still half-decorated and you can't even find your DVD of A Christmas Story. In fact, you don't even know anyone who's finished their Christmas shopping.

Do you?

Well, now you do. : )

Having finished all of my pertinent shopping weeks ago and have all my purchases wrapped tight, I spent today going from store to store in my hometown. Not to shop, mind you, but to bemusedly watch the harried crowds of people shoving old ladies out of the way for the last Old Spice gift set...fidgeting in checkout lines that stretch back as far as the barren store shelves...arguing with clerks about why they have no more Stephenie Meyer books in the back...

...and as I watch them, I have a good laugh at the expense of the poor idiot who waits until the very last hours before Christmas to do their shopping, the one who has the nerve to be shocked and angered at the fact that there isn't anything for him (or her) to choose from.

It's funny, and I mean in a humorous way, to watch the crowds of people shop at the last possible minute in the unfounded belief that they will prevail and come out alright in the end - gifts bought and all their headless-chicken-running-about having been worth it.

It isn't.

It hardly ever is.

And anyone who thinks that it is more likely than not are the same people who hate Christmas and having to celebrate it every year - they wish that it never came around the same time every year.

Well, guess what: July 4th comes around the same time every year, too. So does November 24th, and October 31st, and January 1st. Well, February 29th only comes around once every 4 years, but I don't know anyone born then to buy gifts for, so never mind....

The fact of the matter is: you know the day's coming, so plan ahead. Besides which, it's not the holiday you hate; it's the commercial aspect of it you hate - the fact that you have to buy gifts for people to celebrate a religious holiday. Am I right? Writing cards, buying gifts, hosting parties, materialism run amok. No careful meditation on the reason for the season and so forth.

Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with a little conspicuous consumption (says the guy with hundreds of DVDs...), but how about taking at least some time to sit back and remember just what this Christmas thing is all about in the first place? Even Ebeneezer Scrooge didn't exactly hate Christmas itself, just all the depressing aspects in his life that went along with the holiday. So when he was reminded what the holiday was all about, he saw the light, so to speak.

Maybe that's what we all need.

Well, I gotta get going; It's a Wonderful Life is about to start and I think I need some down time.

Merry Christmas everybody.

Dope out.

- TGWD