That Good Googly Moogly shit it was aiite, it was aiite, y'know what I'm sayin', that shit was aiite, it was cool, but Badunkadunk was more Sir Mix-a-Lot than that, Twista got that true heir apparent to Baby Got Back shit and ain't that recognizing, ain't that shit recognized :
Ayo 2$hin - you catch wind of this foulness right here? Some peckerwood in a waistcoat who fails to realise that Carol Vorderman's USP is a Joi Ryda sized butt on a middle-aged white breezy possessing them Rain Man mathematical skillz is tryin' to flip and bounce the IDCIYW,IW steez down to the inclusion of Sue Perkins on some bullshit but not soundin' right first of all and shit. I know all y'all AZNs are born with your own exclusive teams of Yakuza/Triad hitmen and Singaporean hackers on deck for such circumstances but I creep with you, chigga, that's on my pops, if he beefin' with you, dog, he beefin' with me off the top.
Ma$e ft. Puffy - Lookin' At Me (From Harlem World; 1997)
Yo, I can't get mad 'cause you look at my blog 'cause, on the real, look at my blog, but you gentlemen are aware that there's much better Catherine masturbation material online nowadays than the couple of blurry screencaps of her I could find in 2008, right? Slide over to room 112 and rub one out to this video montage tribute on Youtube :
Regular rap dude readers who are probably unfamiliar with the joys of Bargain Hunt might remember the Lookin' At Me video where Ma$e wore a baby-blue proto-Chopper's suit zoot suit during the second verse, but third singles from Bad Boy albums always tended to get about a fifth of the promotion and rotation of the two preceding singles so you're forgiven if you missed this or you've simply forgotten it :
"I was Murda, P. Diddy named me pretty/did it for the money now can you get wit' me?" doesn't come up often enough in discussions of the most unintentionally homoerotic lines from Bad Boy rappers, especially since Ma$on was getting caught in the car with the boy years before Mister Cee made it trendy.
Is CJ a victim of the rolled chino trend? Does Daphne wear skirts or trousers with those M&S blouses? Do Kevin, Chris, Barry, and Pat ever turn up in shorts during hot weather? Has Judith got a decent body on her for a GAILTF?
These are the questions which plague every Eggheads fan who spends too much time pondering what our Herculean tv quiz team are wearing under their desk as we twist and crank our necks into flesh pretzels to catch a glimpse of their outfits that split-second when you see them stand up before it cuts to them sitting there grimacing in the question room.
The newest issue of Radio Times with the Eggheads feature finally clears one of these pertinent issues up as we learn that Judith doesn't look too dumpy for a 67 year old and that her footwear of choice are... Chuck Taylors?
Can women of pensionable age wear Converse? Were the clues there all along with her being an expert on the Rolling Stones during the music rounds? Aren't Cons Jack Purcells, Pro-Keds Royal Los and those recent Nike premium All Courts (the tan suede ones in particular) all better alternatives to Chucks in the same price range if you want some kicks with a white rubber toebox? Is going from making posts about why Judith is the most alluring tv quiz show member of recent times to obsessing over her footwear in the space of two years a symbol of my spiral into hommedom?
Let's zone out this sunday to some pictures of Isabelle Adjani as Stella in Roman Polanski's The Tenant, yeah?
As the third part of Polanski's apartment/claustrophobia trilogy, The Tenant is probably...look, you either know this about The Tenant already, or couldn't give a shit because you're about to go see Hot Tub Time Machine again this weekend, so let's just concentrate on Isabelle here since she does have the purdiest mouth ever. She may look more stunning in Herzog's 1979 reimagining of Nosferatu, but prettiness often doesn't equate to sexiness, and both prettiness and sexiness are nullified when the object of desire is a meek virgin running through colonies of diseased rats dressed like the grandmother in 'Allo 'Allo, as Isabella did when cast as Lucy Harker in Nosferatu : Phantom Der Nacht.
When our object of desire has the greatest women's coat in the history of cinema (competition is none, other than the similar black number Anna Karina wears in Alphaville) and can make Deidre Barlow/Log Lady spactacles as erotic an accessory as denim hot pants, however, then we are dealing with a higher echelon echanting dame.
Biggie's "Educated, so I can bust off on they glasses" remains the most pertinent rap lyric on the appeal of bespectacled women, but which is the better song which features it? The rap-nerd in me wants to say it's Uncle Luke's Bust A Nut because it's an authentic track from when Biggie was alive, but sometimes you've just gotta let go of your anal theorizing and give it up for the superior choon, even if it is a posthumous Born Again track with a sample used on Puba & Mary J.'s classic Check It Out remix.
Uncle Luke ft. Biggie Smalls - Bust A Nut
Notorious B.I.G ft. Too $hort - Big Booty Hoes
Actually, it's because Too $hort is on it and because it's a sample used on an old Puba & Mary J track that it adheres to my rules-for-posthumous-Biggie-shit to work, what with the Uptown-Puffy-Bad Boy connection and his previous work with $hort so you could imagine it as something Biggie would've made in 1998. Don'tcha just wish they'd have got Puba on it too kicking some filthy lyrics about getting chix to see how wide they could split their skinz, though?
Oh, you didn't know we got that fashion clout, son? We say "Jump!" and chix reach for their trampolines. If you're a doubting Thomas then we refer you to how Chantal Hadley reverted back to her semi-quiff thing on monday's episode of University Challenge after disparinging remarks about her new hairdoo in the comment section of our last post about her. My mans Bradley and James were the first to pipe up, but it was 2Shin who got of the crux of the problem :
2SHIN said... I got mad love Chantal but I'm just not feeling that hair at all. It looks like the type of barnet Paul Weller would have.
Then :
Now :
But I digress, as this was possibly the best battle of this series so far, which came down to a last question tiebreaker which unfortunately saw Chantal, Tom Thpeller, and the two indie-kid geeks ejected from the competition, and thus our tv screens, for good. It's been real, guys 'n' gal, so we bid you adieu until you hopefully heed our advice and rope Chantal's fittest mate in to appear as a team on Eggheads.
Crazy tension, kicko.
And speaking of final farewells, we finish tonight with our second generic tribute for a dead rapper of 2010 so far as we wave cheerio to Chilly B from Newcleus who died yesterday. Never understood you dudes who prefer Jam On It to Computer Age (Push The Button), though. The fuck are you all thinking?
And so we wave what might be a final tah-rah to Chantal Hadley as Jesus College Oxford were knocked out of University Challenge last night and relegated into that confusingly pointless cauldron with other teams which've been knocked out who could still potentially make the next round if the moon orbits around the sun a particular way the night of transmission or something.
Chantal had obviously took us calling her the Hoxton Hindley to heart, and jettisoned the whole Hoxton half of the equation to settle squarely on the Hindley portion for her current look, which we wholeheartedly approve of. Yeah, okay - Hindley was an evil cunt who killed innocent kids, but so was the hot assassin bird from 24 who blew up the airplane with children on it in the first episode, and we're not gonna stop cracking one off over her anytime soon, are we? Besides, looking like Myrah Hindley is infinately less offensive than looking like a Morissey loving Urban Outfitters employee on the scale of heinous activity.
Chantal, we know you read this blog (#3 Google hit on "Chantal Hadley" + "University Challege", baby) so we have two pleas for you : puhleez sign up for the third series of Are You An Egghead this summer, and puhleez join our pub quiz team one time because our token bird member really is shit on the questions about maths and the Bronte sisters which she professes to be an expert on.
With the fragmented way we live our lives these days, where technology has enabled us to submerge ourselves in our interests and niche information, it's hard not to feel distanced from your fellow man when making polite chit-chat at the water cooler or on public transport, but if there's one thing Bob from the accounts department or that dude who was tryna tell me about his moped on the train last week and I can agree on it's that there is no greater feeling - other than watching Liverpool's season in utter turmoil before Xmas, obviously - than getting your schlong sucked. Luckily, rappers also agree with us, so here's the 5 best rap songs about fellatio.
Too $hort - Blowjob Betty
$hort's The Bitch Sucks Dick was the first rap song about oral stimulation to zee cock, but Blowjob Betty is his masterpiece in the realm of odes to gettin' yer johnson sucked due to the death-by-nut finale and the delightful union of trademark $hort synth funk and the Bam Bam sample. All rap songs about receiving head which came thereafter had to aspire to this level of detail and greatness.
Akinyele - Take A Lick
Put It In Your Mouth gets all the plaudits from squares, but real headz (lol headz - geddit?) know that Take A Lick is Ak's preeminent paean to the art of gettin' some brain with it's narrative game of cat-and-mouse between Ak' and his hesitant-to-suck British bird, which ends in a compromise of mutual bliss via a 69. We all gotta eat, yo, and shame on y'all for having the nerve to think all rappers are selfish, misogynistic pigs.
NWA - Just Don't Bite It
A friend and I once argued over whether this or She Swallowed It is the ultimate NWA blowjob anthem but I refuse to budge over my allegiance to Just Don't Bite It. Both are essentially Ren solo tracks about gettin' your spam javelin wetted up but Just Don't Bite It wins every time for the Eazy skits on the intro and outro, the superior beat, the fact that it doesn't feature one of Ren's lines about sticking broomsticks up butts, and its usage as backing music on much of the infamous pool party footage on the Eful4zaggin dvd. Ren informing us that he's gonna take one of his breezies to "a room, ayo, i mean a restroom/and stick my dick in her mouth like a wet broom" is evidence than NWA were just some ol' romantics at heart.
Three 6 Mafia ft. DJ Unk - I'd Rather Get Sum Head
Good ol' Three 6 and their manyballads dedicated to gettin' noshed off. Lesser blogs would've probably chosen Slob On My Knob for their Their 6 selection, but here at The Martorialist we're down with I'd Rather Get Sum Head's mantra of "I love havin' sex, but I'd rather get sum head". Like Cam'Ron opined to Westwood in that video where The Big Dog was driving Dipset and Cam's bird around London, once you get to the age of 30 a nut becomes a nut and you may as well attempt to get it in the most pleasurable way possible. A morning-glory salute (no Jim Dangle from Reno 911) also goes to Three 6's mate Project Pat and his very own superbly trenchant Sucks On Dick.
UGK - Pregnant Pussy
And, finally, the apogee of rap songs about fellatio. Camouflaged as an appraisal of sex with women who are heavily up-the-duff, infrared technology isn't needed to find the true intention behind this tenderly craftly ode to extremely risque oral sex as the "Pregnant pussy is the best you can get, fuckin' a bitch while her baby suckin' dick hook and Pimp C's first verse prove. Parental discretion iz advised indeed :
I guess you could call me a family man 'cause I care for bitch's babies every chance that I can I don't give 'em clothes, or diapers and shit but I like to feed their babies with my big black dick 'Cause I'ma tell you if you didn't know you ain't did shit until you fucked a pregnant hoe The pussy is hotter, it's got an extra kick it feel like hot potato pie around your dick Sometimes I swing high, sometimes I swing low sometimes I like to fuck a pregnant bitch on my flo' Hit it kinda hard, and beat it up bad fuck her chest and give her cherry blisters on her ass 'Cause if she expectin', I can satisfy and at the same time give her kid a pacifer And I love it when I bust that ol' nut 'cause I know her baby just gon' lick it all up.
Feel free to add your own mildly racist ..and to think black American men are often criticized for their parental skills joke in here as a closer, while I make like R. Kelly on the Ignition remix and Bounce, Bounce my ass outta here.
Move over Gail Trimble 'cause we got a a new head sexpot brainbox in charge on University Challenge.
Just caught the latest episode and amidst the awkward goobers and generic indie kidz who make up yer garden variety University Challenge teams in 2009 we have the lascivious square peg in a round hole that is Chantal Hadley (gotta love a bit of brainy posh totty with a common-as-muck name like Chantal) of Jesus College, Oxford.
Myra Hindley in Hoxton? A young Cathy Moriarty (who deez nutz were introduced to when she played Carrigen Crittenden in Casper) playing one of the femme Morrissey doppelgangers in that Smiths video where various Moz-A-likes of both genders ride around Salford? A secretary-by-day/dominatrix-by-night in an old German RTL porn movie on Sky at midnight? Jordan AKA Pamela Rooke if she was an artsy librarian and not an O.G punk who worked at Malcolm McLaren and Vivienne Westwood's SEX boutique? All of the above? I 'unno but she'd definately get the hot beef jolly hockey stick.
You'd expect a trusty Google for University Challenge contestants to bring up the standard pix with Paxman but my search has bore far juicier fruit. Apparently she's known to do a bit of modelling at Oxford, and not just any ol' two-bit modelling but saucy underwear modelling. Juicy fruit, alas, i can no longer bring to you due to threat of legal action in the comment section (Chantal vanity-googling herself already? Hey, here's an idea : don't let your mate post pictures of you gallivanting around in your knickers on a public Flickr account which comes up as the fourth picture in a Google image search for your name in the first place if Copyright infringement is such an issue) but which i feel is my duty to link to since this post is already coming up as the third and fourth results for "Chantal Hadley + University Challenge" on Google.
Thank fuck Jason Bradbury announced that Suzi Perry is finally return to The Gadget Show next week in last night's episode. Streetz been missin' you, baby, and your replacement Gail Porter (who should be held directly responsible for ushering in an era of utterly braindead bints like Fearne Cotton) was bad enough with hair so she's utterly intolerable now she's got the Goody chrome-dome. Why didn't they hire my favourite low-brow satellite channel presenter bogtrotter-babe Suzanne Cowie as Suzi's temporary replacement instead? It would have made perfect sense since The Gadget Show is basically a dumping ground for ex-Trouble presenters like Jason and Ortis.
Anyway, we have mad love for Suzi here at The Martorialist for a variety of reasons, with the principal one being that she looks exactly like some bird in a Razzle Romp which we nicked from our old pal Bate sometime in 1996 or 1997 :
Here's a pic of Suzi in her bikini as a comparison :
Much like James Stewart in Vertigo has a type, i also have a type : hoity toity brainy birds who work on fairly obscure shows on BBC digital channels.
When you're young and thinking about the qualties the chick you'd potentially want to wife up should possess it basically boils down to these two deal-breakers : will she take it up the arse every once in a while and if she won't go the route of the c-section will she still give head after she's squeezed out a few kids and turned her horizontal Rio Ferdinand's mouth regular pussy into a Sarlacc Pitt from Return Of The Jedi-ish gaping casm?
Before babies :
After babies :
But as a gangster of love matures into a gentleman of sophisticated tastes his priorities change and he just wants a potential wifey who'll be able to answer all the maths questions during pub quizzes or fix his laptop to get his computer 'puting after he's riddled it with viruses trying to download episodes of Herman's Head from some dodgy Russian tv site and who better to fullfil these tasks than Kate Russell from BBC news technology show Click?
Here at The Martorialist we've been fans of Kate since the days when she used to host Chips With Everything on the long moribund Sky channel .TV and would spend the show rolling her eyes and making sarcastic remarks at the expense of the computer specialist experts (translation : a bunch of blokes who used to review games like Treasure Island Dizzy, Rock Star Ate My Hamster etc for computer game mags during the eighties and early nineties) there to answer the questions.
Nowadays Kate has her own segment on Click, which is essential sunday morning viewing when you're feeling like death warmed up and your body is leaking ungodly smells from every orifice, where she shines light on various websites across the 'net suggested by viewers of the show, so i'm gonna email her a link to this post hoping she'll spread some love in this direction and give me a shout-out on tv. Where's the love, Kate?
Min, the Egyptian god of fertility, is usually distinguished by his throbbing stiffy poking itself into the face of anyone unfortunate enough to find themselves in his immediate vicinity. Now, i'm no expert but credible sources (Doctor Who and Krs One) have suggested that the Egyptians were a technologically advanced race who were so sapient that they may have had the means to travel through time so it's entirely possible this long-donged deity may have hopped in his horse drawn DeLorean, skedaddled foward to 2008 and popped his permanentely petrified-prick over Vicki Coren.
Vicki, daughter of the late Alan Coren, kinda reminds me of a plumper, less fit Julie Delpy (which is a compliment) and when she isn't patronising former University Challenge champion geeks like the ubiquitous Dr Ian Bayley on BBC4 quiz shows with her stern headmistress-esque voice and demeanour, she's winning Poker tournaments and playing Texas Hold 'Em all night in her local casino. So not only is she a posh arrogant bird with a hot voice who comes from money, but she's also a professional gambler who makes that Theo Paphitis loot (she raked in over $1,200,000 in poker tournament winnings alone last year) which could be used to keep me in the life of Ted Dibiase type luxury i feel i deserve to be living in.
And she has nice tits, which makes her top 5 dead or alive in my reckoning.
Diamond D once rapped how he'd like to "Push in the bush and i don't mean George" but here at The Martorialist we'd rather push it in a bit of posh who can tell you whether your old grandad's war medal is a genuine St. George like Catherine Southon AKA the bird who pops up in pretty much every BBC show about antiques.
A quick google tells us that Catherine's particular field of expertise is 19th century instruments of both the scientific and musical variety, which is the weirdest coincidence because we've got a vintage blue veined flute we'd like her to check out. We're not sure if it's a genuine 19th century artefact but perhaps she could determine its origin by giving it a quick blow?
..it's got to with lots of money and it ain't nuthin' nice.
One of my favourite blogs is I Don't Care If You Wouldn't, I Would, which you can find in the links to the right. It's modus operandi is to pay tribute to less conventionally attractive women who are still sexy as fuck. Even if you don't agree with their particular choices you'll still find yourself nodding along in agreement, so compelling is their reasoning.
Catching the end of Are You An Egghead? before, i couldn't help but think that Judith AKA Judith Keppel AKA the posh old bird winner of Who Wants To A Millionaire? who's now a member of the Eggheads quiz team is deserving of a post on there. More of a Great.Aunt.You'd.Like.To.Fuck than a M.I.L.F but there's something about a well spoken, slightly snooty, well-to-do older lady with an expression perennially set between quizical and wry that stirs my loins.
She used to be a frumpy middle aged hag with a Barry Venison perm but a million quid and 8 years later and she's now a sex-siren of late afternoon/early evening tv. A middle-aged millionairess BBC quiz version of Medusa with perfect diction capable of turning men's dicks to stone.
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