Martorial elegance # 35

Is CJ a victim of the rolled chino trend? Does Daphne wear skirts or trousers with those M&S blouses? Do Kevin, Chris, Barry, and Pat ever turn up in shorts during hot weather? Has Judith got a decent body on her for a GAILTF?

These are the questions which plague every Eggheads fan who spends too much time pondering what our Herculean tv quiz team are wearing under their desk as we twist and crank our necks into flesh pretzels to catch a glimpse of their outfits that split-second when you see them stand up before it cuts to them sitting there grimacing in the question room.

The newest issue of Radio Times with the Eggheads feature finally clears one of these pertinent issues up as we learn that Judith doesn't look too dumpy for a 67 year old and that her footwear of choice are... Chuck Taylors?



Can women of pensionable age wear Converse? Were the clues there all along with her being an expert on the Rolling Stones during the music rounds? Aren't Cons Jack Purcells, Pro-Keds Royal Los and those recent Nike premium All Courts (the tan suede ones in particular) all better alternatives to Chucks in the same price range if you want some kicks with a white rubber toebox? Is going from making posts about why Judith is the most alluring tv quiz show member of recent times to obsessing over her footwear in the space of two years a symbol of my spiral into hommedom?

J-Zone - Q&A

THIS IS PROTECTED BY THE RED!!!!!

You wait years for a hot ginger to appear on UK TV and then you get two within the space of 12 months :



Not since Lisa Simpson has a goody two-shoes had such dark socks, and thank the fallen angel Satan for that because there hasn't been a fit female vampire since Regine Dandridge in Fright Night 2.



Fellow Fat Lace contributor and Northampton's answer to Bol (replacing the Gin Blossoms with some 90s British indie band, and substituting Bun B and Lupe Fiasco for Claude Carpentieri and Wes "Blow The Whistle" Butters, obviously) Dom P went to school with the new Dr Who Matt Smith, you know. You might imagine the teenage Smith as being a sensitive young man who came to life on the dancefloor of his local indie disco to the sound of The Strokes, but apparently he was bang into UK Garage. If any Dr Who fans find this post, they might want to use the comment section to make their own shit jokes about UK Garage and the Jon Pertwee era Whomobile Bessie.

The best songs with the word Red in their title :

Prince - Little Red Corvette



Basically, Prince's run from 1980 to 1989 > everybody else ever.

Goblin - Deep Red



It's unfortunate that precisely 97% of Argento's putput since the 89s has been deep-brown, but it's a travesty that a combination of miscrossed wires and bad weather forced me to miss the nearest Goblin show on their European reunion tour last year.

Juelz Santana - Red Bandana



Other than Mic Check why couldn't the kid ever make anything this good on either of his turgid solo albums?

Minor Threat - Seeing Red



Ian MacKaye is a weird one. Minus booze and drugs he comes up with these amazing groups like Minor Threat, Pailhead and Fugazi, but when he finally discovers booze, weed and - alledgedly - coke, he comes up with wet drivel like The Evens, a group who are less Electric Ladyland and more Acoustic Bitchzone.

I hate smart chicks but i love brains # 5

And so we wave what might be a final tah-rah to Chantal Hadley as Jesus College Oxford were knocked out of University Challenge last night and relegated into that confusingly pointless cauldron with other teams which've been knocked out who could still potentially make the next round if the moon orbits around the sun a particular way the night of transmission or something.

Chantal had obviously took us calling her the Hoxton Hindley to heart, and jettisoned the whole Hoxton half of the equation to settle squarely on the Hindley portion for her current look, which we wholeheartedly approve of. Yeah, okay - Hindley was an evil cunt who killed innocent kids, but so was the hot assassin bird from 24 who blew up the airplane with children on it in the first episode, and we're not gonna stop cracking one off over her anytime soon, are we? Besides, looking like Myrah Hindley is infinately less offensive than looking like a Morissey loving Urban Outfitters employee on the scale of heinous activity.



Chantal, we know you read this blog (#3 Google hit on "Chantal Hadley" + "University Challege", baby) so we have two pleas for you : puhleez sign up for the third series of Are You An Egghead this summer, and puhleez join our pub quiz team one time because our token bird member really is shit on the questions about maths and the Bronte sisters which she professes to be an expert on.

The Chantels - I'm Confessin'

Life imitates art

With our special guest star Wheelchair Jimmy from Degrassi AKA Drake :







Relegate genuine talents like Curren$y and All $tar to the mixtape graveyard/perma-shelf when you step aboard the Ca$h Money Records train, ruin classic DJ Screw freestyles with contrived songs aimed specifically at the lucrative Texas market and star in inferior reboots of Degrassi Jr. High all you want but, eventually, karma is gonna catch up with you when you're frollicing around on stage like Kevin The Teenager gettin' his Mary Poppins on.







Back when we used to watch the o.g Degrassi on CBBC Stephanie Kaye, the spolit princess who'd leave the house prepped out like Ringwald in The Breakfast Club each morning and transform into a Motley Crue video slut in the school bathroom before lessons, kept us entraced in her beauty on some first song from The Jack Artist type shit. I know my man steely-eyed Steven smells me on this one :



But 15 - 20 years later she's more like my aunty Joan or, at the very best, a 50-something milf Boots checkout bird who you share slightly flirtious banter with when you're coppin' a meal deal :

I hate smart chicks but i love brains # 4

Move over Gail Trimble 'cause we got a a new head sexpot brainbox in charge on University Challenge.



Just caught the latest episode and amidst the awkward goobers and generic indie kidz who make up yer garden variety University Challenge teams in 2009 we have the lascivious square peg in a round hole that is Chantal Hadley (gotta love a bit of brainy posh totty with a common-as-muck name like Chantal) of Jesus College, Oxford.



Myra Hindley in Hoxton? A young Cathy Moriarty (who deez nutz were introduced to when she played Carrigen Crittenden in Casper) playing one of the femme Morrissey doppelgangers in that Smiths video where various Moz-A-likes of both genders ride around Salford? A secretary-by-day/dominatrix-by-night in an old German RTL porn movie on Sky at midnight? Jordan AKA Pamela Rooke if she was an artsy librarian and not an O.G punk who worked at Malcolm McLaren and Vivienne Westwood's SEX boutique? All of the above? I 'unno but she'd definately get the hot beef jolly hockey stick.

You'd expect a trusty Google for University Challenge contestants to bring up the standard pix with Paxman but my search has bore far juicier fruit. Apparently she's known to do a bit of modelling at Oxford, and not just any ol' two-bit modelling but saucy underwear modelling. Juicy fruit, alas, i can no longer bring to you due to threat of legal action in the comment section (Chantal vanity-googling herself already? Hey, here's an idea : don't let your mate post pictures of you gallivanting around in your knickers on a public Flickr account which comes up as the fourth picture in a Google image search for your name in the first place if Copyright infringement is such an issue) but which i feel is my duty to link to since this post is already coming up as the third and fourth results for "Chantal Hadley + University Challenge" on Google.

Cot-damn.

I hate smart chicks but i love brains # 2

Much like James Stewart in Vertigo has a type, i also have a type : hoity toity brainy birds who work on fairly obscure shows on BBC digital channels.

When you're young and thinking about the qualties the chick you'd potentially want to wife up should possess it basically boils down to these two deal-breakers : will she take it up the arse every once in a while and if she won't go the route of the c-section will she still give head after she's squeezed out a few kids and turned her horizontal Rio Ferdinand's mouth regular pussy into a Sarlacc Pitt from Return Of The Jedi-ish gaping casm?

Before babies :



After babies :



But as a gangster of love matures into a gentleman of sophisticated tastes his priorities change and he just wants a potential wifey who'll be able to answer all the maths questions during pub quizzes or fix his laptop to get his computer 'puting after he's riddled it with viruses trying to download episodes of Herman's Head from some dodgy Russian tv site and who better to fullfil these tasks than Kate Russell from BBC news technology show Click?



Here at The Martorialist we've been fans of Kate since the days when she used to host Chips With Everything on the long moribund Sky channel .TV and would spend the show rolling her eyes and making sarcastic remarks at the expense of the computer specialist experts (translation : a bunch of blokes who used to review games like Treasure Island Dizzy, Rock Star Ate My Hamster etc for computer game mags during the eighties and early nineties) there to answer the questions.

Nowadays Kate has her own segment on Click, which is essential sunday morning viewing when you're feeling like death warmed up and your body is leaking ungodly smells from every orifice, where she shines light on various websites across the 'net suggested by viewers of the show, so i'm gonna email her a link to this post hoping she'll spread some love in this direction and give me a shout-out on tv. Where's the love, Kate?

Kraftwerk - It's More Fun To Compute

MF Doom's best track since the glory days of Operation Doomsday?

I've been pretty much disappointed by everything MF Doom has dropped since Operation Doomsday aside from the odd tune here and there and Madvillain, which took a while to worm its way into my brain as i'm a square who thought Doom only excelled over his own beats, so i was fairly indifferent about his new album, but i'm pleasantly suprised that i've liked everything which has leaked from it so far, with the exception of that new version of the Ghostface tag-team Angelz with the clunky tagged-on drums which make it lumber where it once soared.

This got me thinking what his best post-Operation Doomsday tune is. You don't have to be Gail Grimble (Palin is so 2008, darling; It's all about Trimble in 2009) to know that it's I Hear Voices part 2 but that'd be too obvious a choice and, besides, it doesn't count as it was on the reissue of Op' Doomsday. Madvillain is great but it works better as something you experience as a whirlwind whole as opposed to singling out specific tracks.

Fast Lane with Kurious from the King Geedorah album is magnificent but that's also disqualified due to it not having Doom rapping on it, so his finest post-Operation Doomsday moment has gotta be Mic Line, his solo track from the otherwise woeful Monsta Island Czars group album :

MF Doom - Mic Line



Where does that sample come from? Isn't it some Stevie Wonder cover which was on that Bobbito & DJ Spinna mix?

Trina is NOT the Baddest Bitch

Though, i hasten to add that this and this will always get love here at The Martorialist.



I've had a thang for Kate O'Mara ever since she was in Dr Who and Dynasty (is that the most unlikely pairing on the cv of an actress in the history of tv?) when i was a shorty. Like Winehouse, she has a touch of dirty gypsy whore about her but on tv she usually played posh Cruella DeVille-ish bitches and, crucially, looked like one with her haughty sneer, vampish high-cheekbones and come-hither eyes. You could propose that she was a human version of Skeletor's bird Evil-Lyn, who many a seventies baby raised in the eighties will have lusted over during their misspent youth.



Phwoar..

The last show i remember Kate in was Absolutely Fabulous but that feels like a lifetime ago and it would be polite to suggest that Kate could be described as positively archaic at this point, so when i heard she was in an episode of Doctors last year i watched it through my fingers on the iPlayer thinking she'd probably be looking like a cat's sphincter superglued onto a rotten rear by now. Yet, despite the fact she makes Mumm-Ra The Ever Living seem like someone Gary Glitter would pester, she hasn't really aged since about 1991 (Corey Feldman Syndrome) - she's still fit and i still find myself libidinous for her gypsy/witchy/bitchy charms.



I'm gettin' tipsy, i hope she reads cocks like a gypsy..

I hate smart chicks but i love brains...

Min, the Egyptian god of fertility, is usually distinguished by his throbbing stiffy poking itself into the face of anyone unfortunate enough to find themselves in his immediate vicinity. Now, i'm no expert but credible sources (Doctor Who and Krs One) have suggested that the Egyptians were a technologically advanced race who were so sapient that they may have had the means to travel through time so it's entirely possible this long-donged deity may have hopped in his horse drawn DeLorean, skedaddled foward to 2008 and popped his permanentely petrified-prick over Vicki Coren.

Vicki, daughter of the late Alan Coren, kinda reminds me of a plumper, less fit Julie Delpy (which is a compliment) and when she isn't patronising former University Challenge champion geeks like the ubiquitous Dr Ian Bayley on BBC4 quiz shows with her stern headmistress-esque voice and demeanour, she's winning Poker tournaments and playing Texas Hold 'Em all night in her local casino. So not only is she a posh arrogant bird with a hot voice who comes from money, but she's also a professional gambler who makes that Theo Paphitis loot (she raked in over $1,200,000 in poker tournament winnings alone last year) which could be used to keep me in the life of Ted Dibiase type luxury i feel i deserve to be living in.



And she has nice tits, which makes her top 5 dead or alive in my reckoning.

What's the 411, hon'?

Ayo, you got it goin' on, hon'.



Diamond D once rapped how he'd like to "Push in the bush and i don't mean George" but here at The Martorialist we'd rather push it in a bit of posh who can tell you whether your old grandad's war medal is a genuine St. George like Catherine Southon AKA the bird who pops up in pretty much every BBC show about antiques.



A quick google tells us that Catherine's particular field of expertise is 19th century instruments of both the scientific and musical variety, which is the weirdest coincidence because we've got a vintage blue veined flute we'd like her to check out. We're not sure if it's a genuine 19th century artefact but perhaps she could determine its origin by giving it a quick blow?

Don't say my carton's topless - say the titties is out

Jo Guest, a Milk Is Chillin' Milk D from Audio 2 t-shirt and her tits out for display over at Fat Lace :

Here

I can feel a cumulus in the air tonight

Oh lord.




I think Diane the weather presenter from BBC North West Tonight might be the perfect woman : she wears really slutty stiletto heels, she can tell you if it's gonna rain the next day so you can plan your outfit accordingly and she's like a real life version of Janice from The Muppets who, along with Daisy Duke, prematurely caused my pre-teen nuts to rumble as a young'n.



She said she'd want my kids and help me make my next G'
tell me i ain't finesse, Diane Oxberry

Shorty, lemme tell you about my only vice..

..it's got to with lots of money and it ain't nuthin' nice.

One of my favourite blogs is I Don't Care If You Wouldn't, I Would, which you can find in the links to the right. It's modus operandi is to pay tribute to less conventionally attractive women who are still sexy as fuck. Even if you don't agree with their particular choices you'll still find yourself nodding along in agreement, so compelling is their reasoning.



Catching the end of Are You An Egghead? before, i couldn't help but think that Judith AKA Judith Keppel AKA the posh old bird winner of Who Wants To A Millionaire? who's now a member of the Eggheads quiz team is deserving of a post on there. More of a Great.Aunt.You'd.Like.To.Fuck than a M.I.L.F but there's something about a well spoken, slightly snooty, well-to-do older lady with an expression perennially set between quizical and wry that stirs my loins.



She used to be a frumpy middle aged hag with a Barry Venison perm but a million quid and 8 years later and she's now a sex-siren of late afternoon/early evening tv. A middle-aged millionairess BBC quiz version of Medusa with perfect diction capable of turning men's dicks to stone.