Foreign Poster Atrocities #24

Just in time for the Dope-A-Palooza, here we go with another episode in the long-running series that has been running longer than I ever expected it to be.

In fact, I think I shocked co-Atrocity commentator Jeff with this too; he didn't think he'd have to be conjured this long his own self.

So anyway, tally ho and yoinks; here's installment #24.  Away!

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TGWD - Believe it or not, we got a request for this one. 

JEFF - We did?

TGWD - Yep; they said we ought to do this poster, since we have so much luck bringing the defects of the artistic world to light.

JEFF - Nice of them to e-mail a suggestion to us.

TGWD - Well, actually it was delivered to me on this note here.

JEFF - The one around that rock?

TGWD - Yep, found it thrown through my window last night.

JEFF - Hand delivery.

TGWD - Gonna haveta find a different carrier.

JEFF - Oh well, fan mail is fan mail.

TGWD - Well, on to Raiders of the Lost...

TGWD - Hmmm...

JEFF - Apparently in this movie, an arc welder's gone missing.

JEFF - Or they've misplaced the arc of a diver.

TGWD - Effortlessly.

JEFF - Someone call Indiana Steve Winwood.

JEFF - Oh no; someone killed Papa Smurf!

TGWD - Death by ear stick.

JEFF - See what happens when you shove the Q-Tip in too far?

TGWD - Then the Tidy-Bowl Man's trying to make a daring escape off the Q-Tip end....

JEFF - But he stops, wondering if he should kick Yul Brynner's head on his way.

TGWD - Why not; Virginia Gilmore would have.

JEFF - And apparently Yul is guarding The Amazing Gilded Pillsbury DoughBoy.

JEFF - Go ahead and tickle him...he won't flinch or nothin'.

TGWD - And at least they baked him to a golden brown.

JEFF - Looks like they baked the whole poster to a golden brown.

TGWD - Methinks the artists were pretty baked themselves.

JEFF - You know what; the only accurate thing in this whole poster is Indiana Jones himself.

TGWD - The big one or the tiny ear-swinger over...

JEFF - The big one.

TGWD - Gotcha.

JEFF - Given Rolls Royce's usually high standards, I'm surprised that they got an artist in there that knew what Harrison Ford looked like.

TGWD - Theory.

JEFF - Okay.

TGWD - They outsourced the Indy part of this poster...

JEFF - Yeah?

TGWD - Then Rolls Royce's line boss came in, saw it with the Indy head only and said, "No no, that is not how we roll - our clients are expecting shoddy workmanship.  Get out of here and take your professional craftsmanship with you!"

TGWD - Afterwhich they called in a couple of janitors who kind of heard about the movie once - five years ago - to finish it.

JEFF - "Hey, was Yul Brynner in this movie?"

TGWD - "Sounds good to me; Crayola him in there!"

JEFF - "What's Yul look like, anyway?"

TGWD - "Oh, just draw a thumb with a face on it."

JEFF - "And how do you spell 'Ark'?"

TGWD - "Will you stop with the questions?  We got two hours to finish this - just spell it like it sounds."

JEFF - "Okay, I...oops!"

TGWD - "Watch it! You spilled blue ink on the canvas!  That ain't never gonna come out!"

JEFF - "I'm sorry...say, was there a blue guy in this movie?"

TGWD - "There is NOW."

JEFF - You know what the saddest part is about this poster?

TGWD - Besides the mother-lovin' snake coming out the mother-lovin' mouth of mother-lovin' dead Papa Smurf?

JEFF - The big ad for Rolls Royce at the bottom corner.

TGWD - All the boys love Zongo Lane.

JEFF - Good, now we know where to send OUR fan mail to THEM.

TGWD - Got the rock ready?

JEFF - Yep.

TGWD - Let's go.

-----

I know, it'll be hard to top this one, but we'll try.

Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #23

Well, you asked fr it, you sickos - another installment of the only series online where foreign posters are heartlessly ridiculed.

...with an imaginary friend.

And speaking of Jeff, he's here, so let's do this thing:

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TGWD - Dracula!!

JEFF - Oops, the artist thought they were doing a poster for Blacula, hence the exclamation points.

TGWD - "Deadly And Brutal" - oh good, because I was afraid this was going to be one of those complacent vampires who sits around and updates his LiveJournal according to his emotional state.

JEFF - And why is Dracula being played by Two-Face?

TGWD - No idea; especially since each side of Two-Face's face is the same except for color.

JEFF - Maybe he slept on his side in the tanning booth.

TGWD - Who's Anthon Hopkin?

JEFF - Some poor guy who was shorted on "Wheel of Fortune".

TGWD - Apparently shorted by just a consonant and a vowel.

TGWD - I'd like to solve the puzzle...

JEFF - Go ahead.

TGWD - Anthony Hopking!

JEFF - Oohhh...I'm sorry, that is incorrect...and I'm afraid Vanna's fainted in Two-Face's arms so she can't show us what's behind the blank tiles.  Johnny, do we have any parting gifts for our contestant?  No?  Well, I'm sorry then....

TGWD - Salma Hayek should have been in Dracula.

JEFF - I could understand Dracula wanting to bite her then.

TGWD - I could understand ANYONE wanting to chew on her awhile.

JEFF - I want to chew on her right now.

TGWD - But not while she's asphyxiated like that; it's not fair to Salma.

JEFF - Reeves?

TGWD - Hmm?

JEFF - Just Reeves?

JEFF - Who is Reeves?

TGWD - That could be anybody.

TGWD - Steve Reeves.

TGWD - Christopher Reeves.

JEFF - Gleen Reeves of Glass.

TGWD - Great; alienate another nationalty, would you please?

JEFF - We're safe; I don't think this site's allowed in Asian-speaking countries.

TGWD - Except for torture purposes.

JEFF - Right.

JEFF - That three-headed dog in the business suit; was that in the original story?

TGWD - Well-dressed fire-breathing dogs don't figure in Bram Stoker's world-view.

JEFF - What about Francis Ford Coppola's?

TGWD - Well....

TGWD - Hard to say...anyone who can go from Mafia dramas to Robin Williams playing a 10 year-old kid is capable of anything.

JEFF - Like explosions in the corner, there?

TGWD - Yep.

JEFF - And dreadlocks coming off the moon.

TGWD - Uh-huh.

JEFF - And that three-headed dog's suit could really use some ironing...

TGWD - Okay!  Okay, I get it - the artist is incompetent!

JEFF - And...?

TGWD - Francis Ford Coppola isn't completely responsible for this level of failure.

JEFF - And...?

TGWD - It's about as far from "deadly and brutal" as you can get without moving out of state.

JEFF - And...?

TGWD - I wanna bite Salma Hayek, too.

JEFF - Thank you.

-----

Another installment coming soon...give it 30 days or so.

Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #22

We're well into 2011 and still need to do some kiddie-oriented movies in this segment.

I think I've rectified that with this installment of the Poster Atrocities...I think I have, of course with these posters who can tell?

Now that Jeff has joined us, let us commence!

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 JEFF - And now it's time for another game of "Name That Psychosis".

TGWD - Let's see: we have a hideous fleshy grandma mutant face merged with chicken legs, octopus arms and Edgar Winter.

JEFF - Apparently being mind-controlled by that little girl from the old Pepsi commercials.

JEFF - In space.

TGWD - So apparently the artist was traumatized by too many episodes of "Sesame Street" growing up.

TGWD - Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Freakish Mutant.

JEFF - Is this India's idea of a kid's movie?

TGWD - Kids are apparently cut from a stronger timber over that-a-ways.

JEFF - Apparently.

TGWD - Monstrous abominations faze them not.

JEFF - They hop on their shoulders and ride them around.

TGWD - Like Master Blaster running BarterTown.

TGWD - Maybe it's one of those things like when they take the kid and put her on Santa's lap real fast then take a picture before she turns and sees Santa's scary beard staring into their soul.

JEFF - So are we being led to believe that THIS is Indian Santa Claus?

TGWD - You know, we laugh at the concept but I wouldn't put it past 'em.

JEFF - Why do you think no self-respecting Indian celebrates Christmas?

TGWD - Religious differences.

TGWD - That, and would you want THIS THING sliding down your chimney in the dead of night...under the pretense of delivering presents to you?

TGWD - "So what do you want for Christmas this year, Mujibar?"

JEFF - "I want to be irreversibly traumatized so that I wake up screaming in a cold sweat every night for the rest of my life, Santa!"

TGWD - "Can do, Mujibar!  Can do!"

JEFF - That middle word; is it me or would it pronounce kind of like "cut-rate"?

TGWD - How befitting.

TGWD - "Ajooba".  Since that's the word in the title highlighted in red, I'd say that's the name of our hellspawn, here.

JEFF - So this hairy chicken monster is called Ajooba?

TGWD - Okay, I'll buy that.  But what's "Kaa"?

JEFF - Wasn't that the snake in The Jungle Book?

TGWD - That explains his arms.

JEFF - So then this title is actually, "Ajooba: Cut-Rate Snake"?

TGWD - If you were gonna make your own cut-rate snake, wouldn't it look like that?  Be honest.

JEFF - Maybe, but less nightmarey.

TGWD - I dunno; I think the club feet sell it.

JEFF - You gotta feel sorry for the guy in the suit; one side of me believes he's thinking he's like one of those misunderstood monsters like Frankenstein's beastie who wants only to make friends and be nice to kids but his horrific mutated ugliness turns people against him.

TGWD - Another side of me thinks this is a legitimate kiddie flick with this thing standing in for Barney or Big Bird.

JEFF - Either way, the guy in this piecemeal suit's standing there, thinking what a great role he's essaying, little realizing what a jerk he's being made to be like.

TGWD - This is really the little girl's picture; he's just a thang.

JEFF - That's hardly fair to the monster - poor Ajooba deserves better than to be shunted to the background of some little kid's bigger world view.

TGWD - Forget it - it's just IndiaTown.

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Moving on...moving on...

Dope(and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #21

When it comes to the on-going magic in these evil, twisted posters and how easy it seems to be to comment on them, all I can say is that it takes a special kind of Foreign Poster to attract the name "Atrocity" to it.

And I seem to be able to find them month after month. Amazing.

I see Jeff is back after setting up the next leg of Charlie Sheen's live tour, so let's begin with our latest installment.

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JEFF - Gee, what a pretty sunset they have going on in the back of their life-and-death struggle.

TGWD - In space, no one can appreciate a nice sunset.

JEFF - Hey, we did that shtick for the last Alien poster they gave us.

TGWD - So? We're running a theme here.

JEFF - Well, as long as some common thread is available in these things....

TGWD - Actually those aren't bad representations of Sigourney Weaver and...uh...

TGWD - What's the kid's name again?

JEFF - Oh. Uh...

TGWD - Ah-ah! No Google-ing!

JEFF - Aw come on...

TGWD - Nope; you either know her or you don't.

JEFF - And I suppose you do?

TGWD - Nope. No one does.

JEFF - Boy, the kids in these big-budget blockbusters sure get the short shrift don't they?

TGWD - It's not like they have the best agents, either.

JEFF - I just know her as Newt.

TGWD - As does the rest of the world.

JEFF - Poor kid.

TGWD - In space, no one can remember your name.

JEFF - This looks about as good as your average coloring book page, just pre-colored for you.

JEFF - How thoughtful.

TGWD - That's probably what they did here; just did a freeze-frame on the film, drew an outline on the screen they were showing it on then just cut the screen down and got out their Crayolas.

JEFF - Wouldn't put it past the Teshie Lovers or Rolls Royce or whoever did it this time.

TGWD - Hey! It's Ziggy!

JEFF - Ziggy?? I love that little guy!

TGWD - My mom collected all his cartoons and even had a t-shirt that had him on it with his big, dopey, open-mouthed smile, saying "Have You Hugged YOURSELF Today?"

TGWD - I had a Ziggy mug I drank my cocoa in when it was cold outside. Little mini-marshmallows and Ziggy....

JEFF - I never knew he was an artist, though.

TGWD - That explains why the alien attacking Sigourney and What's-Er-Name is NOT the alien from Aliens.

TGWD - In space, no one knows what aliens look like.

JEFF - It looks like a friendlier version of one of those monsters from any given hard rock album cover...

JEFF - Only this one isn't mean and evil...

TGWD - Sure, he's big and green but lookit him: he has his arms out for a hug.

TGWD - He kinda looks like Dino jumping on Fred Flintstone to give him a big slobbery dino tongue bath.

JEFF - In fact, this is all so cute, that's probably why they had to put "This Time It's War" underneath their title.

TGWD - Afterthought.

JEFF - Yep.

TGWD - Like how they have "Video" under Ziggy's name on the other side.

JEFF - But in parentheses?

TGWD - I like it; it sets the name apart.

JEFF - Well, set yours apart.

TGWD - Good one - they'll never guess what that one's from.

JEFF - We are so subversive in our commentary.

TGWD - Yes, we are; we deserve an award or something.

JEFF - Yeah.

TGWD - ...

TGWD - So, anything else we want to say about this poster before we toss it over in the corner with the others?

JEFF - Besides the fact that it looks like Sigourney's neck was borrowed from a boxer turtle?

TGWD - Or What's-Er-Name hanging onto her has elephantiasis of the left hand?

JEFF - Or...

TGWD - Leelee Sobieski!

JEFF - Huh?

TGWD - The little girl! Leelee Sobieski!

JEFF - What are you...

TGWD - Look at her! The face; that's Leelee Sobieski!

JEFF - Leelee Sobieski wasn't in Aliens.

TGWD - I know that, but that's where they got her face from! Leelee Sobieski! The hair and everything!!

JEFF - Ohhh, I get what you're meaning now; since Ziggy didn't know what What's-Er-Name looked like...

TGWD - And he probably just rented The Glass House or Jungle 2 Jungle...

JEFF - And just figured, "Meh, one kid face is as good as the next," and scribbled her in!

TGWD - We have these guys figured out.

JEFF - Almost eerie, ain't it?

TGWD - I feel like Kreskin sometimes.

TGWD - Or John Edward.

JEFF - Miss Cleo?

TGWD - No...

JEFF - Johnny Smith!

TGWD - Who...?

JEFF - Stephen King reference.

TGWD - Ah. Shoulda seen that one coming.

JEFF - Gotta admit; they're good at pretty sunsets.

TGWD - Yeah. Life and death alien struggles, not so much.

JEFF - In space, no one can hear Leelee Sobieski scream.

-----

That was a good one. Gotta remember to choose one that's a tad less artistic next time; that one slipped by us.

I'm sure that won't be a problem.

Till next time, Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #20

An even twenty.

Wow.

Here's Jeff; let's boogie.

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JEFF - Oh no; someone forgot to iron Bruce Campbell!

TGWD - See what happens when you leave your movie star in the wash for too long?

JEFF - And there's a heavy metal album cover sneaking up on him back there, too.

TGWD - That's a...skull bat.

JEFF - At least they're staying true to the source material.

TGWD - Right down to Amy Winehouse in the bottom corner.

JEFF - That is NOT Amy Winehouse. Way too heavy.

JEFF - The teeth look about right, though.

TGWD - True.

JEFF - Nice use of blue and red and yellow for the background.

JEFF - Typical solid-state TV color scheme.

TGWD - It's like they painted the background first then had to think of what to put in front of it.

JEFF - More like they did the figures on one canvas, which got caught in the wash and got all stretched out, so they salvaged it by cutting out the figures and put them on THIS canvas, slapped a title on it then they shipped it out.

TGWD - That's a very thought-out scenario.

JEFF - It's happened before - call it European photoshopping.

JEFF - And correct me if I'm wrong...

TGWD - I will...

JEFF - That's Bruce's pose from Army of Darkness, right?

TGWD - You're right.

JEFF - Which is effectively Evil Dead III.

TGWD - Right again.

TGWD - And you're surprised with this because...?

JEFF - You know, you just expect Princess OSU to pay closer attention to details like that.

TGWD - Oh, do you now??

JEFF - She's royalty after all! Held to a higher standard. Her Royal Majesty didn't get where she is in the lousy poster world by passing off slipshod work for professionalism.

JEFF - No, wait....

JEFF - ...

JEFF - Uhhh...I guess she....

TGWD - That's right, you're wrong.

JEFF - Damn it, your highness.

TGWD - Anyone who messes with The Bruce is asking for it.

JEFF - You gotta admit; this is the closest any of these "artists" have gotten to actually capturing the look of their lead actor.

TGWD - As much as I hate to admit it, you're right. That IS Bruce Campbell.

JEFF - Just like THAT is a chubby Amy Winehouse

JEFF - Just like they borrowed that bat from Iron Maiden.

TGWD - Or Metallica.

JEFF - Either/or. It's a heavy metal bat from some metal album cover or other, swooping down on our hero, only to stop short and say, "Oh, sorry old boy; I thought you were Ozzy Osbourne", then fly away.

TGWD - There...isn't really a whole lot else I can say about the rest of this one.

JEFF - Me neither.

JEFF - You think we're losing our touch on these?

TGWD - Naw; it's just that aside from really doing a lousy job on soaking their stars for too long, this is one poster that isn't as bad as all the others.

TGWD - And really, that's damning with faint praise.

JEFF - Like saying that leprosy is better than gangrene.

TGWD - There you go.

JEFF - I hope they don't go as soft on the rest of these posters and improve their art just because they know we're here waiting to call them on it.

TGWD - I wouldn't worry - I think they'll keep up the quality we're all so used to.

JEFF - I hope so. I'd hate to think we're doing all of this for naught.

TGWD - Public service, man; public service.

JEFF - Just noticed that they didn't even finish painting evil Amy Winehouse, Look at her unfinished elbows.

TGWD - Wish they had done that with her face instead.

JEFF - Like God did in real life.

TGWD - See? We haven't lost our touch.

JEFF - What a relief.

-----

Good as gold, man. Good. As. Gold.

#21 coming sooner than later.

Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #19

You know what; it's getting to the point where these Foreign Poster Atrocities practically write themselves; I just find the poster and the rest of the article just pops out of nowhere.

Amazing as that sounds.

Anyway, now that Jeff is here with us, we shall begin...now.

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JEFF - ARRRGH! Someone cut the head off my doll!

TGWD - The big city's no place for a man and his porcelain doll.

JEFF - Arnold Schwarzenegger's gonna be mad that this guy took his best commando clothes.

TGWD - Hold on...let's forget a second what the title of this movie is there....

JEFF - Okay....

TGWD - Keep it on hold for a second.

JEFF - Holding....

TGWD - Now: Those buildings behind him; aren't they from Inception?

JEFF - Looks it; the way they're all folding in on each other makes it look like a train should be barreling past any second.

TGWD - Which would make the guy here Leo DiCaprio.

JEFF - With a mullet.

JEFF - And abs.

JEFF - And a doll's head.

TGWD - And it looks like he got Kenneth Branagh's beard from Wild Wild West.

JEFF - Someone oughta get some use out of that.

JEFF - I just noticed his belt; it's made out of wood.

TGWD - You have to be tough to wear a belt made out of two planks.

TGWD - Takes a man of special timber.

JEFF - Nice.

TGWD - What gets me is that he's wearing a strap-thingy of bullets but doesn't have a gun. Just a knife.

JEFF - That's one of those James Bond weapons: one side's a knife, one side's a gun.

JEFF - Isn't that just like a guy; bringin' a knife to a gun f...BANG!

TGWD - Oh look; this Rolls Royce thing is trying to muscle in on the title.

JEFF - Deadly Prey: Rolls Royce. This car is fresh off of the showroom - of DEATH!

TGWD - It runs on the blood of the innocent!

JEFF - This car will drive you...to HELL!

TGWD - Now, I've seen Deadly Prey.

JEFF - Me too.

TGWD - There's no doll heads in that movie.

JEFF - Nope.

TGWD - Anyone who's a fan of doll's heads and sees this poster with its promise of doll head action is going to be very disappointed.

JEFF - Oh, there'll be lots of disappointment to be had by anyone who looks at this poster.

TGWD - No mind-bending Inception plotline.

JEFF - No muscle-headed Kenneth Branaghs.

TGWD - No wooden belts.

JEFF - No killer cars.

TGWD - And worst of all, no disembodied doll heads.

JEFF - Seriously though, this artist guy must have thought that a doll head figured in here somewhere.

TGWD - You know these guys never see the movie; they just go by hearsay.

JEFF - But he had to have come up with that from somewhere.

TGWD - Maybe his life had some trauma with a doll head at some point and he just incorporates it into all his movie poster work.

JEFF - That would make for some very interesting artwork for Casablanca.

TGWD - I believe in artistic freedom, but I really think this guy needed to hold off on his fetishes this time around.

TGWD - "Carl, I know you had a rough life, but come on - just paint over the head and move on...."

JEFF - "NO! Can't you see it, man?? That's just what those heads WANT me to do!! If I ignore them, that's...when...they...win...."

TGWD - Carl would have some rough times with those word association tests.

JEFF - Flower...

TGWD - Severed doll head.

JEFF - Water...

TGWD - Severed doll head.

JEFF - Inception...

TGWD - SPINNING severed doll head.

JEFF - Good, Carl. Now let's get you some sedatives.

TGWD - Say doc, you ever notice how your nurse looks like she could cut the head off of your favorite doll that you loved like a baby and she just didn't care about it, just like your big dumb sister would?

JEFF - Carl, I never had a sis...

TGWD - I HATE MY SISTER!

JEFF - Years of psychotherapy in one poster.

TGWD - And years more for any casual viewer.

JEFF - Nice going, Carl.

-----

Next time, an even 20! Woo-hoo.

Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #18

A new year begs a new poster and a bunch of new jibes. And so here we are to fulfill that obligation, me and Jeff are.

Shall we?

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JEFF - Hey, a Steve McQueen movie!

TGWD - This must be for The Great Escape.

TGWD - Or The Getaway.

JEFF - Bullitt, maybe?

TGWD - Could be it's for another one of his action-packed movies like...

TGWD - Wait a minute, is that...

JEFF - Huh?

TGWD - Look at the credits down there.

JEFF - Hmm...Aneta Corsaut...Irvin S. Yeaworth...wait a minute, aren't they...?

TGWD - Yeah....

JEFF - I mean, weren't Steve and Aneta in....

TGWD - Yeah....

JEFF - They weren't in a different....

TGWD - Nope....

JEFF - Then this is....

TGWD - Yeah....

JEFF - The Blob??!

TGWD - Uh-huh. The original and everything.

JEFF - But...but...

TGWD - Go on; let it all out....

JEFF - Steve never got his shirt ripped off in The Blob!

TGWD - Neither did Aneta carry a shotgun.

TGWD - Ho With A Shotgun, Rated NC-17.

JEFF - And look at that carnage!

TGWD - A whole city's worth.

JEFF - But The Blob was set in a small town!

TGWD - I know, I know....

JEFF - And there was never a helicopter in it, either!

TGWD - Preachin' to the choir, here....

JEFF - I mean; they even have SKYSCRAPERS in this poster!!

TGWD - Danger Planetaire, huh?

TGWD - That must be French for "Hey, Stupid Americans! Come and watch the same movie again! Muah-huh-haa!"

JEFF - It must be, because it has something else down there, too....

JEFF - "Le Fluide Mortel".

JEFF - ...

JEFF - Liquid Metal?

TGWD - No, that's not it...

JEFF - Fluide...liquid...water...

JEFF - Mortel...mortal...human...

TGWD - water...human...

JEFF - AquaMan?

TGWD - You don't know French, do you?

TGWD - Suffice it to say that false advertising knows no language.

JEFF - I'll go with that.

TGWD - This might as well be an ad for The Honeymoon Machine!

TGWD - Or Love with the Proper Stranger.

TGWD - The Cincinnati Kid, anyone?

JEFF - I mean, isn't this kind of thing against the law??

TGWD - It oughta be, it really oughta be.

JEFF - I might go along with it if this were for The Thomas Crown Affair.

TGWD - That'd be a stretch, but I can see that one.

TGWD - Possibly The Towering Inferno.

JEFF - If you kinda squint, Aneta does look like Faye Dunaway.

TGWD - The only way that would work is if one of those figures way in the back were Paul Newman.

JEFF - The Towering Inferno 2: City of Kindling.

TGWD - ...

TGWD - We've been doing these for too long.

JEFF - What? It's a good title.

TGWD - I take it back: YOU'VE been doing these for too long.

JEFF - Oh! And Aneta never showed that much leg!

JEFF - What would Sheriff Taylor say?

TGWD - Her teaching job would definitely be in jeopardy.

JEFF - For what, though; she picked up a shotgun and saved a fiery city from the wrath of AquaMan.

TGWD - And her boyfriend Steve McQueen slapped on Fabio's chest and held off the rushing flames as she shotgun-blasted the flaming buildings around them into submission.

JEFF - While the townsfolk behind them stumbled in terror.

TGWD - Hey...way in the back there...on the left....

JEFF - Yeah...?

TGWD - Otis.

JEFF - Oh yeah....

-----

And just think; we have 11 more of these to get through before the year's over. Yikes.

Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #17

Well well well...here we are in December and at Atrocity number 17 for the MBZ. Seriously, I never thought I would last past 5 or 6 of these things. Seriously.

Still, a series is as a series does and, this being the Holiday season, here's an early present for you. Courtesy of myself and co-sniper Jeff. And away we go....

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TGWD - Laser Tag: The Movie.

JEFF - All right, wait just one ding-dang minute....

JEFF - Who ARE these guys???

TGWD - Unless this is a sequel starring some of Mel Gibson's many illegitimate kids, we got a problem.

JEFF - Matt Damon was never in a Mad Max sequel.

TGWD - Neither was Cher.

JEFF - Cher? That's one of those Jersey Shore kids.

JEFF - They're in everything.

TGWD - Unfortunately.

TGWD - This is another one of those projects in which the artist's never seen the movie and just had to guess as to what the people in the film looked like.

JEFF - The Road Warrior NEVER had any lightning.

TGWD - I'm pretty sure post-apocalyptic Australia didn't have any t-shirts, either.

TGWD - Green or otherwise.

JEFF - And mom jeans were definitely outre.

JEFF - Everybody wears leather in the events after the nuclear holocaust devastates humanity.

TGWD - Because there'll be all those dead cows laying around; might as well do something with their shriveled skin.

JEFF - It's already been dried out by the radiation.

TGWD - And those guns....

JEFF - You mean the firearms, I take it.

TGWD - Yeah; but it does look like Rob Liefeld's been around here with the ugly stick.

JEFF - Anyway, Matt Damon's got a Black and Decker screwdriver.

JEFF - And Jersey Shore Max has a few pieces of black PVC pipe.

TGWD - I got it! His face is a Jersey Shore kid...his HAIR is Cher's...

JEFF - Ah! That's it!

TGWD - Body is Rambo's...and the bottom half belongs to my aunt when she's out working in her garden.

JEFF - And is it me or does Matt Damon have Agent Smith's face?

TGWD - Definitely has his glasses.

JEFF - Who do these artists think they're kidding; there isn't one vehicle in this poster.

TGWD - Which is the biggest drawing card in The Road Warrior, thank you very much. Besides one Mel Gibson....

JEFF - Oh forget that - if they have to piece together the people they have in their little picture out of bits and pieces, Mel is waaaay out of their reach.

TGWD - So we're supposed to believe that blondie here is the savior of humanity?

JEFF - That would make FrankenRambo down there the Humungus part. Or maybe Wez.

JEFF - Either way...no.

TGWD - I'm gonna guess that they actually lost prospective viewers due to this poster.

JEFF - I'd say that's an on-the-nose guess.

TGWD - This has pretty much got "justifiable lawsuit" written all over it. With George Miller leading the group.

JEFF - After he pushes ahead of a wild-eyed Mel Gibson, who insists on being his own lawyer.

TGWD - Don't do it, Mel; look in the mirror and realize that counsel is incompetent!

TGWD - We better stop here. The more I look at this stupid poster, the madder I get.

JEFF - Could be worse...could be a Beyond Thunderdome poster.

JEFF - AH!

TGWD - What?

JEFF - Forget Cher's hair: it's Tina Turner's!

TGWD - YES!!

-----

Happy Holidays everybody, from all of us here at the Foreign Poster Atrocity Team: me and...my imaginary friend.

Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #16

Hey, no one's more surprised about the on-going longevity of this series than I am.

Certainly no one's more grateful for it than I am, for certain. After all, this is (bad) art we're talking about here.

Now that Jeff is back from his tour of Ishtar, we're ready to dive into what may well be our most controversial offering yet. Enjoy!

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TGWD - Dick York's gonna kick someone's butt!

JEFF - I think he's looking for Dick Sargent.

TGWD - To have a few words.

JEFF - With his gun.

JEFF - And its bullets.

TGWD - Let off some steam, Darren!

JEFF - Looks like Endora's finally went too far this time.

TGWD - Is that a rainbow on top of his head or did he leave his toupee in the microwave too
long?

JEFF - He's following Kermit the Frog's advice and is about to make a Rainbow Connection.

JEFF - With his gun.

TGWD - And its bullets.

JEFF - Uh...

TGWD - What?

JEFF - Look...down...there.

TGWD - What do you...

TGWD - Oh.

JEFF - ...

TGWD - ...

JEFF - I, um...wow.

TGWD - PIGGYBACK RIDE!!

JEFF - What?

TGWD - justgowithmeonitokay

JEFF - Oh, yeah. Piggyback ride.

TGWD - Nothing else, just...piggyback.

JEFF - Piggyback.

TGWD - Right. Piggyback.

JEFF - whew...

JEFF - ...

TGWD - changethesubjectquick

JEFF - Uh...

TGWD - QUICK!

JEFF - This is the worst Tron: Legacy poster I've ever seen.

TGWD - Good, good.

JEFF - Maybe going into the mind of a computer isn't such a good idea after all.

TGWD - The Jaguar, huh?

JEFF - Atari Jaguar, maybe.

TGWD - It looks like only 32 bits of memory went into THIS.

JEFF - You mean 32 bits of...

TGWD - No.

JEFF - What?

TGWD - Don't say it.

JEFF - I don't know what...

TGWD - Just don't say it.

JEFF - I was only gonna say 32 bits of...

TGWD - NO!

JEFF - ...

JEFF - ram.

TGWD - I TOLD YOU!

JEFF - What???

TGWD - We're done here.

JEFF - But look at 'em!

TGWD - We're stopping.

JEFF - This is practically Brokeback Mountain here!!

TGWD - I'm sorry, folks; he....

JEFF - What have we become?!

TGWD - Will you just stop it!

JEFF - I think you've got issues.

TGWD - ...

TGWD - Shut up.

JEFF - See?!!

-----

I'm sorry, folks. That got real ugly real quick. Too quick.

And I'm sorry if we offended any sensibilities with our selection of poster this time out...we're saving the really offensive stuff for next Christmas - didn't mean to jump the gun.

JEFF - Ya see; More innuendo!!

Jeff! You....

Sorry; he needed more time off after #12 and never got it. You know how over-stressed some imaginary characters can get.

Well, till next time (if there is one), Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #15

What, what? Fifteen?

Of these things?? FIFTEEN??

Amazing as it is, yes. And as soon as we get imaginary co-host Jeff here we can start.

He's here. Let's start.

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TGWD - Amaanat.

JEFF - De-deee de-de-de.

TGWD - Amaanat.

JEFF - De dee-dee-dee.

TGWD - Amaanat.

JEFF - De-deee de-de-de, de-de-de, de-de-de, da-deedle-deedle de de dee de!

TGWD - For our Muppet contingent out there.

JEFF - Now this is a nice, artistic little interpretation of clinical depression.

TGWD - A very specific clinical depression, though, as seen through Monet's mind-eye.

JEFF - Colorful.

TGWD - Very.

JEFF - Kinda pretty.

TGWD - Extremely.

TGWD - I'd say this is a very bright, very sunny thought to go through the head of such an obviously depressed Tom Jones.

JEFF - Wait; do you mean Albert Finney Tom Jones or Tom Jones Tom Jones?

TGWD - Tom Jones Tom Jones.

JEFF - "My-My-My Delilah" Tom Jones? Gold chains and silk shirts open at the chest, women's underwear thrown at him Tom Jones?

TGWD - THAT'S the one.

JEFF - I can see that.

JEFF - Is he thinking of any lady in particular?

TGWD - Naw; after all those years of collecting women's underwear, he's probably never been able to put a garment to the...

TGWD - ...

TGWD - Face.

JEFF - Thank you.

JEFF - LeRoy Nieman.

TGWD - Huh?

JEFF - This is a LeRoy Neiman piece. Can''t you see the influence?

JEFF - I half-expect to flip this poster over and see Playboy Party Jokes printed on the back.

TGWD - I wonder what Hef would say about this?

JEFF - "Not nude enough, babe."

TGWD - ...

JEFF - Hef calls everybody "babe".

TGWD - Still?

JEFF - Hef can get away with it.

JEFF - No one else could.

TGWD - The man's been in his pajamas since the 1950s...now at this stage in life, everyone EXPECTS him to be in his pajamas. No change in lifestyle necessary.

JEFF - And under those PJs...a clean fresh tuxedo.

JEFF - Fashionable for any party.

TGWD - That's Hef for you.

JEFF - Hey, look down at the bottom. See that?

JEFF - "Lyrics"..."Music"...?

TGWD - This is a musical?

JEFF - If this is an Indian musical, they're gonna need a LOT more dancing girls on the poster here.

TGWD - As it is, your average Bollywooder is going to take this as just your run-of-the-mill psychological drama with Tom Jones.

JEFF - Featuring dream sequences by LeRoy Neiman.

TGWD - Technical Advisor: Hugh Hefner.

TGWD - So this is a very male-chauvinist movie poster we have here, actually.

JEFF - With a lady walking through a colorful pastoral scene, thinking to herself (in song) how nice it would be to throw her underwear at Tom Jones.

TGWD - Just like any other lady would be thinking in the same setting.

JEFF - Even Rosie O'Donnell?

TGWD - Yep, even Rosie.

JEFF - Portia de Rossi?

TGWD - Mmm-hmm.

JEFF - Billie Jean King?

TGWD - They're only human.

JEFF - Chastity Bono?

TGWD - Moving on.

JEFF - Okay....

-----

See? Snarkiness is painless. Mostly.

Until next time, Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #14

It's a good thing that I posted this when I did; people were beginning to think I forgot about their need for a bad art fix.

Not me, friends. Not me.

And back from his tour of Ishtar, here is co-poster-insulter Jeff to help me out.

So let's go-go-go.

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TGWD - Ladies and gentlemen, ad salesman of the year for our northwest district, Mr. Jaani Dushman. (applause)

JEFF - And this award goes to Jaani for best costume at our annual Halloween party: the half-vampire/half-blank piece of paper.

TGWD - I think we've found a poster artist who is giving less than 40%.

TGWD - Take too many breaks during a deadline, you have to turn in what you have finished. That's the way it is in Bollywood.

JEFF - Maybe it was Union rules; the publishing company refused to contribute to the artist's mandated dues, so he only did what he had to then took a coffee break.

TGWD - Which he's probably still taking.

JEFF - So this isn't Impressionism, then.

TGWD - You call it Impressionism; I call it laziness.

TGWD - Tomato / tomatoe.

JEFF - See, you're always jumping to the conclusion that, with posters like this, they were done this way because the artist was lazy, was stupid, was run over by bulls, stuff like that.

TGWD - Yeah...?

JEFF - I put to you that this is part of the plot of the movie.

TGWD - Go on....

JEFF - This movie is about a vampire named Jaani Dushman...who can turn invisible.

TGWD - That would explain his smile.

JEFF - "Ha-ha! Can't stake me now, sucka! Try and find me now, Van Helsing!"

TGWD - I think that's a little too creative for what we have here.

TGWD - It's like they were trying their darndest to paint Count Floyd then they realized they had no idea what Joe Flaherty looked like, so they quit.

JEFF - This is so unlike our other "artists"; even when they had no idea what they were doing, they went ahead and finished anyway. Like South Africa.

TGWD - They tried.

JEFF - Italy.

TGWD - They really did.

JEFF - Mistakeastan.

TGWD - This guy....

JEFF - He didn't.

TGWD - More than anything, I feel bad for poor Daani.

TGWD - Daani didn't ask to be half-finished.

JEFF - I'm sure Daani never intended to be something that looked like an art project for the ADHD class.

TGWD - Can you imagine if ALL movie posters were like this?

JEFF - Charles Foster Kane would be motioning behind him at a blank picture.

JEFF - E.T would be pointing over the Earth at nothing.

JEFF - Marty McFly would be stepping out of an empty area where a car should have been.

JEFF - Forrest Gump would be sitting on half a bench.

JEFF - The Breakfast Club would be missing Anthony Michael Hall.

TGWD - Was he in that? I forgot. I know Judd Nelson was.

JEFF - And Jaani would be right there, nodding, saying, "Yeah. I know. I'm right there with ya, man."

TGWD - Because Jaani was also unfinished.

JEFF - Uncared for.

TGWD - Unloved.

JEFF - Un-thought-through.

JEFF - Just plain undone.

TGWD - The Guess Who notwithstanding.

TGWD - Oh. Mistakeastan.

JEFF - Yeah?

TGWD - I see what you did there....

-----

Wondering what mysterious locale our next Atrocity will take us to? Keep that inquisitive pose going till next time, pally.

Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #13

13! My lucky number!

And favorite silent/invisible partner-in-poster atrocitizing Jeff's number, too.

So now that a new month is at hand, let us get to it!
----------


































JEFF - Pat, I'm afraid I bought too many vowels....

TGWD - Quick! Buy five consonants to offset the effects!

TGWD - Alright; one wrong move and Javier Bardem gets it.

JEFF - No Country for Old Zombies.

TGWD - Finally - we're getting back into movies we've never heard of.

JEFF - Which means the content could be just about anything.

TGWD - Exactly - like this one, plainly, is a movie about gigantic oil well fighters shooting green-skinned zombies who are so laid-back they could care less.

JEFF - Shyeah - go ahead and shoot me. Who cares. Oh, and yeah - braaains...like whatever, man.

TGWD - Now look at zombie Javier's shoulder: he's either going rappelling later or he's one very important doorman at the Ritz.

JEFF - Don't tip him; he'll just bite your hand and you'll end up craving human flesh.

TGWD - And the giant sheriff shooting him while surrounded by fire...that is Bruce Campbell, isn't it?

JEFF - Evil Dead: The Burning Sheriff.

TGWD - The Hellish Adventures of Brisco County Junior.

JEFF - Bruce's not above some zombie-doorman shooting.

TGWD - If the money's right, Bruce is down with it.

JEFF - Deewaar, huh?

JEFF - Like GeeWaar?

JEFF - Or GeeMonney.

TGWD - I'm guessing this is Turkish for "halt" or something.

JEFF - Or it could be some universal word.

JEFF - Like "aloha".

TGWD - Or "Howdy."

TGWD - Or "Stephen King script" - who knows WHAT to expect with that?

JEFF - It could be "zombie", too.

TGWD - Or "giant sheriff".

TGWD - "Javier!"

JEFF - "Stop! Or Bruce Campbell will Shoot Your Zombie!"

TGWD - I don't think so.

JEFF - You don't know; it might very well be that.

JEFF - Translated languages sometimes forgo a lot of words and letters and syllables to get their point across.

TGWD - And so...what's the point of this one?

JEFF - Don't watch it.

TGWD - I can get behind that point.

JEFF - So could Bruce.

TGWD - And Javier.

JEFF - You know what; this kind of puts me in the mind of the first Foreign Poster Atrocity we did many moons ago - with Sonny and Cher at the Day of the Dead festival?

TGWD - I remember that one. Good times.

JEFF - Bad times.

TGWD - Right.

JEFF - This makes about as much sense as that one.

TGWD - It's linear.

TGWD - Not quite as busy, though.

JEFF - Which is a good thing in a giant burning sheriff/zombified doorman/Bruce Campbell/Javier Bardem movie.

TGWD - In the same vein, I could see this one becoming a TV series.

JEFF - But not with Scooby and the Gang.

TGWD - No, no; I'm looking at USA Network summer series. You know, what with their vampire series bandwagon-jumping...why not an escaped fugitives/zombies crossover?

TGWD - We could even get Bruce Campbell in it; he's in that other USA show anyway; just a couple of sound stages down, and he's there!

JEFF - And...it's not like...

TGWD - No!

JEFF - What?

TGWD - Don't say "it's not like he's busy"; if we insult him, his agent'll never talk to us! Then we'll have to settle for Dean Cain!

JEFF - What? Insult Bruce Campbell? The man who starred in Moontrap, Alien Apocalypse and Assault on Dome 4? Insult him?

TGWD - ...

TGWD - Point taken. It's NOT like he's busy.

JEFF - Atta-boy.

TGWD - Look out Javier; you primitive Screwhead, you.

JEFF - Ah-ah-ah...wrong terminology. That was the medieval guys in general, not just the zombies; read your "Evil Dead for Dummies" handbook.

TGWD - My bad.
----------
Hey, another month is just around the corner; can you handle another one of these in 30 days or so? Yeah? Well, too bad, 'cause that day's a-coming!

Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #12

Other countries have many gifts they give to their neighbors all over the globe. Some give tasty regional cuisine. Others give beautiful styles of clothing. Even more share languages that are as beautiful to listen to as they are romantic to speak.

Then they give us movie posters that are altogether inexplicable; that give us night sweats in their astounding overwork of simplistic basics like color, composition, content and so forth.

And even more are just plain atrocious.

THOSE are the ones I look for. And business is good.

Join me now as I converse with ever-present figurehead Jeff as we dissect another one....

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JEFF - Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the rockin' sounds of WARRA... hey, wait a minute.

TGWD - See what happens when a band changes their lineup too many times?

JEFF - Play "Cherry Pie"!! Woo!

TGWD - Not to worry; Captain Mandrake is here to arrest them for impersonating a glam rock band.

JEFF - How dare they sully the intellectual property of Dr. Strangelove!

TGWD - When the lawyers for Stanley Kubrick's estate take a smoke break, people take advantage.

TGWD - You ignore India, you're leaving the door open for a whole world of copyright infringement.

JEFF - These copyright lawyers have their hands full anyway, watching Turkey and Italy and Germany and Pakistan and all those other countries who make unofficial sequels to Star Wars and Alien and Indiana Jones and so forth.

TGWD - No one ever makes unofficial sequels to bad films.

JEFF - David DeCoteau has that covered; and he's multi-national, so they can't touch him.

JEFF - Smart guy.

TGWD - So apparently Warrant cover bands know no nationalities.

JEFF - I can't wait to hear their covers of such Warrant standards as "Devanand"!

TGWD - "zBLOTCHEDOUTBYTHEFLASHman!"

JEFF - "Ajit!"

TGWD - "Pran!"

JEFF - ...And many more! On their new best-selling album, "ARC"!

TGWD - I'll bet you anything their music is still being pressed out on vinyl records.

JEFF - Oh? You think their technology's advanced so far?

TGWD - Judge not a people's advancements by their way of dress.

TGWD - I love their bright green backup singers.

JEFF - Man, those girls seem so jaded.

TGWD - Boo.

TGWD - This is one of the most colorful posters we've done here, I think. Good use of blues and yellows and greens and reds....

JEFF - And that's just the guy's dress.

JEFF - The girl has him beat on style, though.

TGWD - Isn't she going to get in trouble; she's showing an awful lot of forearm.

JEFF - She's an outlaw rocker, man. She lives on the edge. She invites challenges to centuries of tradition.

TGWD - Her idol is probably Ice Cube.

JEFF - You mean the rapper, or the frozen block of water?

TGWD - That'd be ironic, seeing as he used to be so anti-establishment and now here he is making feel-good family comedies.

JEFF - Trading uzis for water guns.

JEFF - What a sell-out.

TGWD - Not these guys, though. They're a cover band, sure, but they're true to their roots.

JEFF - If someone in the audience yelled out, "Sometimes She Cries", they'd be there for 'em.

TGWD - Arms in the air like they don't care.

JEFF - Keepin' it real for their homies in Ahmedabad.

TGWD - Peter Sellers tryin' to keep 'em down.

JEFF - Workin' their gangrous singing girls.

TGWD - I bet they rock the air guitar.

JEFF - Me, I'm looking forward to their European tour with Pakistani Mötley Crüe.

TGWD - Rock on, Indian Warrant.

JEFF - Play "Tenjiku Isn't Too Far Away"!

TGWD - Wonder which one of them is Indian Jani Lane....

----------

Another one next month, as long as you (and the world community) can stand it.

Dope out.

- TGWD