I'd been gagging for a piece of Deep End by Jerzy Skolimowski for years, so finally getting to behold it on the big screen when the movie was awarded a brief cinema re-release last month after the relative success of Skolimowski's latest picture Essential Killing was a mildly orgasmic experience, and for it to live up to its hype as one of the most lurid films about the mania of desire you'll ever see is refreshing after similar incidents when my expectations weren't quite matched. It's out on DVD/Blu-ray next month but they've only gone and plumped for this cover when I was hoping they'd use the infamous American poster and finally remove the cumbersome RESTRICTED banner so we could savour it as originally intended :
See, rap dudes - it's not just mixtape joints which suffer from obtrusive tagging but movie posters too, so I was hoping this'd be the cinematic equivalent of the time when Boosie & Webbie's classic Long Journey from the Superbad.. The Return Of Mr. Wipe Me Down mixtape turned up in CDQ minus all the DJ sound-FX on Boosie's Incarcerated album last year for its DVD release, but, alas, it's not to be, c'est la vie, c'est la vie. Hey, since your screen is currently awash with tenuous links between vintage European movies and regional gangsta-rappers with yelping voices, am I totally bugging here or does DB Tha General go in over some of the scoring from Godard's Alphaville on Upgrade 'Em 2 at 4:16 in that King Of Oakland promo movie for his new album? :
If so, I won't go as far as saying I Did That exactly, but who was it that suggested Bay Area rappers should take the unprecedented move of getting busy over classic European arthouse cinema soundtracks last summer? Oh, that's right, it was your man right chea - Mr. Aguirre, Wrath Of Blog.
I'm doing my damnedest to try and parse the concept behind the Wise Intelligent Iz The Unconkable Djezuz Djonez album after copping it off Amazon a couple of evenings ago (thanks for the tip-off CritiQ) but I can't help feeling like Nas did the time he hung up on Krs One as the T-Cha was trying to persuade him to talk to astronauts at NASA. Maybe it's less impenetrable for black ppl than a peckerwood like me, and, yeah, I've deduced that Wise is presenting himself as a demigod delivering gospels to the needy, but wtf does ‘unconkable’ mean and would a true divine being really use the poor man's EMF as his namesake?
A delusional martyr-complex, cliched political sloganeering, erroneous theories bordering on sheer codswallop, and displaying seemingly conflicting viewpoints within the same bar are the bread & butter of such personal bete noire rappers as Immortal Technique and Saigon (or, at least, 90% of Saigon's output), but Wise has always managed to deploy the same tactics successfully without tumbling into into the po-faced conscious-rapper trap. This is because Wise was borne out of the era which gave us Brand Nubian's One For All as the blueprint for what the next wave of Five Percenter conscious-rappers should adhere to : you can be a great righteous rapper, you just have to teach the lessons of The Nation of Gods and Earths with eccentric panache in a variety of acrobatic voices which range from your own dulcet tones to cod-Jamaican rudeboy to Dickensian chimney-sweep, and spray a little arrogance like Rick "The Model" Martel as you're doing so.
Wise Intelligent - Water Walker (2010)
After four front-to-back plays I'm still at a loss whether I even like the album, let alone if it's a worthy follow up to his underrated 2006 sophomore effort The Talented Timothy Taylor. For now, the only definite conclusions I can draw are that it's his most brash work to date in every department with the production ranging from bombastic to almost trunk-rattling, and that I'm happy to finally have an MP3 of last year's viral video single Water Walker so I no longer have to watch its promo clip with dudes spraypainting walls in it any time I wanna jam it and marvel that Wise is making the exact sort of rap he should be in 2011, that's thankfully closer to recent Witchdoctor than the Nas & Damian Marley album of Glastonbury dance tent fare. What's the point in graffiti anyway if it's not by Kase 2 or it's not obscene toilet wall scrawlings about the barmaid from your local pub?
Since our post about Immortal Technique and Filipino Frank proved to bepopular, we decided to find out what exactly happened to Frank after his ill-fated suicide attempt. Turns out he's still alive, out of the mental ward, living off some kind of lavish military discharge pension in Florida and back posting on UGHH.com under a veritable smorgasbord of usernames.
But the obligations attendent on rap message board legends known for beating up underground rappers in front of their own fans are no joke; fellow posters can be a fickle bunch and, really, how can you ever top headbutting Immortal Technique and then kicking him down the stairway entrance to Fat Beats NYC? Well, you could use your new found freetime and wealth to procure the services of 'net whores, pregnant hookers and trannies, and then film them as Frank is now doing on the UGHH.com general discussion board. We haven't watched any of them as we saw Frank's chipolata dick enough times when he'd spam the board with pictures of it and we need to see it again like we need extra wisdom teeth, but you've gotta admit that his ruminations on the appeal of trannies is, at the very least, interesting :
"I don’t know if im gay or not. Ive paid 35 regular hooker girls in my life. And fucked 45 girls in my life. And 1 tranny. Im not sure if im gay or not. Im going through a sexual crisis. But I loved fucking that tranny. It gave me peace. It felt so good and amazing that a girl that good looking has a cock. Im fucking fascinated by that."
If you really must investigate his first, pun very much intended, full-blown tranny experience then you can find it here. Even the account of it posted was a little too graphic for us to not skim through but the we're kinda feelin' the smoothness of the post-coital transaction :
"I pop a smoke in my room. She comes out fully dressed. I go to the microwave where I stashed the 200 bucks then I give it to her."
Luckily, Frank's slide into depravity has also yielded some slightly non gay Youtube friendly video footage where he chronicles his relationship with some Janis Soprano lookin' Wildebeest called Iris from the time they chat on webcam, to her making a 2 hour flight to Florida for sex, to her inevitable rambling nutjob break-up phone messages :
You ol' heartbreaker, you. Frank, you've knocked out a rapper and sucked the cock of another man for internet lulz, now it's time to fulfill your destiny by combining the two incidents : fly to New York, find famed Vordul snuffer Will High and have sex with him.
You can fight politically naive rappers, but you can't fight fate, Frank. Go forth, warrior.
Beef is when you get headbutted by an insane Filipino kid in front of your fans at Fat Beats.
Since the rap singles of the noughties have already been evaluated and chronicled it's time to document the really juicy shit and pay lip service to the the best rap message board beef between a civilian poster and a notable underground rapper which then spilled over into real life with disasterous consequences.
Right now there's a thought-bubble probably forming above your domepiece like "Oh, this is a post about that dude who looks like King Kube from Parker Lewis Can't Lose breaking the jaw of whatsisface from Cannibal Ox, huh?" but, nah, never that, son. That's a little too obvious a choice, and while it was hilarious that Vordul from Cannibal Ox wound up in a hospital bed with a wired jaw and the verbose steroid addict Will High ended up doing a stretch on Rikers Island for assault after El-P grassed him up to the NYPD, it wasn't quite the grandiose affair that was the Filipino Frank vs. Immortal Technique's beef on UGHH.com which led to Frank travelling from Florida to New York to confront Technique at a Fat Beats instore signing session in 2004.
Frank
Immortal Technique
Frank was a deeply disturbed kid who'd post graphic in-depth stories about being molested by his babysitter and flood the boards under gimmick accounts with pictures of gay porn; Immortal Technique was a shit punchline rapper with a cliched political edge who'd greet any sort of non-fawning feedback with threats of violence, racial slurs against caucasians and his habitual "I WAS BORN IN A PERUVIAN HOSPITAL, N*GGA, AND I'LL CRACK YOUR FUCKIN' DOMEPIECE OPEN IF YOU EVER COME TO HARLEM YOU MOTHERFUCKIN' PUSSY" rants; together they made sweet internet love for the doey eyes of rap message boarders.
Our story begins when the tempremental Technique was an underground rapper posting on UGHH to promote his releases or performances. It was your usual boring guff which the denizens of UGHH politely pretended to be interested in (at that point rap message boards were in a post-The Blueprint state of flux where former Sage Francis fans often mutated into Juelz Santana lyrics posting Dipset fans overnight, so Technique was semi-acceptable for either camp) or would casually mock with no malice intended. Frank would troll Technique posts with pictures of the Super-Mario Brothers and taunts that Technique should float back to Cuba on his banana boat and Technique would explode in anger with expletive ridden caps-locks threats (TM. Necro) where he revealed in intimate detail what he'd do to Frank if they were to ever cross paths. This went on for weeks with Frank even registering a fake female AOL screen name to sucker the flirtitious Technique into an IM cyber-sex session before copy and pasting the full conversation to Technique's considerable embarrassment and the board's delight.
Their antics continued another week or so, before Technique announced he had a Fat Beats instore the following monday and that Frank and any other internet hataz should show up to air their grievances with him mano-a-mano. Frank responded with pictures of himself writing rhymes which he claimed would end Technique's career and posing with a shotgun which he suggested he'd use if Technique didn't apologise profusely to him in person :
He also threatened to kidnap Technique and hold him hostage in a dungeon wall-wardrobe he called GAY'S CLOSET where he claimed he'd subject Technique to rectal rape via a plunger once a day :
While Frank's taunts of what would happen were amusing, nobody thought he'd actually show up in New York since he resided hundreds of miles away in Florida. It's unsure what exactly happened at Fat Beats that day - the rumour that Frank put Technique in a Figure-4 Leglock remains uncomfirmed - but here's what's known for sure via various witnesses : Frank caught an unsuspecting Technique alone on the staircase leading up into Fat Beats, where he headbutted Technique square in the face which caused him to fall down the stairs arse over tit.
After word got back to the internet of the fracas, Technique was quick to call UGHH owner Adam "Quest" Walder and have all evidence of it deleted. Quest complied as he didn't want his site implicated in any legal shenanigans stemming from the situation, particularly with Frank having posted pictures of himself with firearms. This, unfortunately, is why so little documentation of their behemoth beef is left online now.
Frank soaked up the glory for a few months before retreating back to spamming the board with pictures of his flaccid penis and stories about picking up teenage hookers. Last we heard he joined the military in 2005, got sent to Iraq and then got sent back to America after being caught smoking heroin where he attempted vehicular assisted suicide before he was sectioned under the same mental heath act which saw Britney institutionalised. The last picture he posted of himself was with his mother at the airport in DC on his way to the specialist ex-military loony bin he ended up at. His head injuries from the suicide attempt are visible :
Frank, we dunno if you're playing with your own shit in a cell like Alvarez from Oz right now or even if you're still alive, but here at The Martorialist we applaud your dedication to humiliating rappers who make arses of themselves on the internet and we crown your beef with Immortal Technique the greatest rap message-boarding of the noughties. Salutations are due, kicko.
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