Trending RIGHT Now (5/28/11)

   1. Tree of Life - Planted within fifty yards of the Circle of Life and within walking distance of the Meaning of Life, the Tree of Life was hoped to have similar theological meaning.  Unfortunately, it was immediately chopped down by Mother Necessity to fuel the Fires of Creativity which were needed to create the next metaphor to follow.

   2. USC football - The latest trend to place random letters in front of nouns has been cited as "illogical and confusing", according to the HGB Committee, headed by KFX Head NJK Howard BVY Johnson, located in QRD Omaha, JZM Nebraska.

   3. UFC 130 - The Ugly Friends Coalition announced its 130th annual meeting to plan out strategies in continuing to make the people they hang around look more attractive.  The first day of the meeting will consist of Ugly Stick workshops and new trends in bed-head styles and wart placement.

   4. Rudy Giuliani - In his ongoing campaign to become America's next President, Giuliani anounced his running mate would have to not only have more hair than he, but a harder name than his to pronounce in order to make their pairing more attractive to the voting public.

   5. Zach Galifianakis - This morning, a representative for Mr. Galifianakis announced his intention to become Rudy Giuliani's vice-presidential running mate.  Upon hearing this, Mr. Giuliani is quoted to have said, quote, "He took me seriously on that?  Geez," end quote.

   6. Bradley Cooper - Having appeared in several well-received movies, reporters asked how he continues to get such lucrative opportunities.  Cooper admitted that he had no idea, since he was caught by surprised that he was in the last two "Hangover" movies.  Mr. Cooper explains, "I thought it was that Woody Harrelson guy.  You mean it isn't?"

   7. Tiffany's and Gingrich - CBS Thursday Night's newest situation comedy centers around an unemployed Newt Gingrich (played by himself) becoming an night security guard at the prestigious jewelry shop Tiffany's, under the watchful eye of the snooty Ms. Huffington (Patricia Heaton) and the gruff but lovable owner Gus Tiffany (Ed Asner).  8:00 PM EST, 30 minutes.  Mild language, some sexual innuendo and suggested doberman pinscher violence.

   8. Summer travel deals - For those who are considering traveling to The Middle East, China, Mexico or Ethiopa for their summer vacation, leading American travel experts ar eoffering lucrative deals such as this one for Mexico - stay at home instead and there is an almost 100% chance that you will NOT be executed by drug cartels.  Similar deals are being offered for those traveling to Italy and Russia.

   9. Patriot Act - Warner Bros. announced their latest comedy, a spinoff from the popular Sister Act films, only this time starring action star Mel Gibson as a bitter ex-cop who witnesses a brutal murder and must go under witness protection as a Revolutionary War re-enacter in Connecticut.  Early word has Whoopi Goldberg and Kthy Najimy making cameos, though it is unclear whether Mary Wickes will be added through CGI.

  10. Blood sugar - The Rolling Stones have announced their latest Amercian tour, kicking off their latest album "Blood Sugar", which they call a collection of song which are more appropriate to their age group.  Other songs they will introduce are titled "Hey You, Get Off Of My Lawn" and "(I Can't Get No) Medication."

Trending RIGHT Now (5/3/2011)

1. Shania Twain - In a televised statement that would go on for over two hours, Ms, Twain ranted and railed against someone she overheard who said that country music was "no longer relevant".  She ended her telecast by debuting a new song where her husband ran off with another woman after taking her pick-up truck and running over her dog while her daddy worked the fields alone.

2. Selena Gomez - After being announced as hostess for the upcoming MuchMusic Awards, Ms. Gomez promised her fans that this had nothing to do with her recent travels to Canada to try and find a cure for Beiber Fever.  "I felt so bad for them, being Canadian and all," she said.

3. Phil Spector - Still isn't getting "that Johnny Cash vibe" in prison; he hopes it will come soon, since he was promised a harmonica next month. 

4. Abigail Breslin - Answering critics who claim she is still too young to be taken seriously as an actress, Ms. Breslin tearfully admonished a roomful of Associated Press reporters.  To which the assembled responded, quote, "awwwww," end quote.

5. Fake quote - "Ask not what your country can do for you, read my lips and tear down this wall for the Gipper."  - Andrew Jackson

6. Manny Pacquiao - Angered about the lack of usable vowels for most modern-day names, one man is setting out to legalize the use of more than one "U" in his name.  Film at 11.

7. Thunderbolt iMac - The proposed sequel to Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, sans Jeff Bridges and Clint Eastwood, is expected to star Steve Jobs playing a dual role.  Though sure he will be able to play a character who looks like he was just kicked in the head, his secondary role may be harder since it requires him to be an invisible shape-shifting Gran Torino.

8. Credit card fraud - Today a Visa Card attempted to enter Paraguay illegally by pretending to be a Diners Club Card.  A quick trial is expected today, followed by a hasty shredding.

9. Fuel-efficient cars - Many such car models have been developed, unfortunately their creators admit that while none of them use a drop of gas, that is because they do not have engines; just big push pedals.

10. Geronimo - Though still popular with parachute enthusiasts, newer names to shout have been tried out at plane-jumping centers recently.  Dances With Wolves, Johnny Firecloud and Two-Pines-Shimmering-After-Driving-Rain tested well, but many admit that Feathered-Chief-Running-Cloud-Descending-Mountain-Through-Raging-Forest-Fire-Caused-By-White-Man's-Negligence-And-Rampant-Smug-Superiority-Against-Those-Who-Were-Here-First-And-Were-Unfairly-Driven-Off-Their-Land, while historically thorough, still killed many jumpers who never finished shouting it after 900 feet.

Trending RIGHT Now (4/30/11)

 1. Cloris Leachman - In a press conference today, Miss Leachman denied rumors that she was, in fact, dead.  Though when confronted with obituaries, autopsy reports and various eyewitnesses who claimed to have been at her funeral recently, Miss Leachman finally admitted that she "may have been infected with that 'virus thing' that's kept Henry Kissinger alive all these years".

2. Hayden Panettiere - Upset that she has been typecast ever since the "Heroes" TV series, she is now relieved that she is moving past such "teenybopper cheerleader nonsense" and announced her upcoming movie role which she admits is "far more mature than anything I've done before".  Speaking of which, you can catch her as Red Riding Hood in Hoodwinked Three: Another Damn Animated Fairy Tale Thing in theaters in 2012.

 3. Tiger Woods - Sources close to Woods refuse to comment on his professional nor his personal life , except to say that Woods is having more trouble than usual getting it in the hole.  Questions about his balls were not immediately answered.

 4. Jordana Brewster - Although she may be an actress, 75% of those polled believed her to be a close relation to Punky and wondered why she didn't wear the mismatched shoes anymore.

 5. Medicaid health insurance - These three words have entered the same lexicon as other foreboding words of doom such as "triple bypass surgery", "level three earthquake" or "mother's coming over".  And yet, the list is still topped by the highest-rated triplet of doom, "Madonna's latest movie".

 6. Kate Middleton - Now officially a princess, she is still going through a rigorous course of lessons in order to learn the proper way to stand on balconies, wave by just slightly turning her wrist and correct tiara placement.  Future classes will teach how to greet new family members (first lesson: "Yo! Wassup!" is usually incorrect).

 7. David Beckham - His wife reports that he is still "bending it".  Film at 11.

 8. Gold futures - Experts predict that gold will still be useful for years to come for bricks, fingers, members and people with first names like Tracey and Missy.  However, it will lose popularity for musical artists who still prefer platinum overall.

 9. Baby names - A drastic downswing in Sixties baby names has been reported, except in southern California, where at least fifteen new births have been reported with the first name Cloud.  Others such as Rainbow, Freelove, Dylan and Sinsemilla have also been reported.

 10. Tungurahua volcano - Upset that the rest of the world's attention has been on Japan and the American South natural-disaster-wise, Ecuador's most popular volcano decided to make itself known today.  Though nearby residents are concerned that Tungurahua may have "overdone it.  A little".

Trending RIGHT Now (4/27/2011)

1. Kirstie Alley - Found rambling and incoherent in a Hollywood green room today, Ms. Alley was flinging Ho-Hos at stage workers, screaming, "Don't any of you remember 'Cheers'??? I was in that! And that one talking baby movie thing? With what's-is-name...Tony Danza! I was in that too!" Tranquilizer darts were eventually used an she was successfully drugged and wrestled to the ground. Ms. Alley is expected to make a full recovery, but 27 Ho-Hos lost their lives. A call to Hostess Snack Cakes Inc. was not immediately returned.

2. Christina Aguilera - After finding herself amid wan reviews for Burlesque, Ms. Aguilera swore she would scour Hollywood over, determined to find more scripts about a small, anorexic woman who is gifted with an abnormally large mouth. She hinted an 'Ally McBeal' reboot was "a possibility".

3. Kevin James - His newest movie still to be released in theaters this summer, James is hard at work on his next film. Its tentative title is Big Fat White Guy Stumbles Around And Falls Over A Lot.

4. Emmylou Harris - Still looking for her long black hair she had around 1981, no luck yet.

5. PlayStation Network - Soon to launch on its own transponder, The Playstation Network already has a full programming slate with such first-run broadcasts as "Crash Bandicoot and Kathie Lee Show", "Cooking with Parasite Eve" and "The MacNeil/Busby News Hour". Commercial spots, consisting of nothing but Playstation games, are set for the next seven years.

6. Carrie Underwood - In her constant insistence to be considered "relevant", Ms. Underwood is launching a major-city concert tour with Metallica. Her opening act will be that "Chocolate Rain" guy.

7. Silvio Berlusconi - The Italian Name Depository in Santa Victoria, Italy, has reported that the name 'Silvio Berlusconi' somehow made its way past their usually rigid series of plausible ethnicity tests and was handed out to fifteen unsuspecting indiiduals. These individuals are urged to call the Depository immediately to return these names, where they will be replaced with better names like 'Antonio Marcello' and 'Luciano Pavoratti'.

8. Back pain - What do Dolly Parton, Kayla Kleevage and that guy who carried a baby ox 500 yards all have in common? Read the story here:

9. Taliban tunnel - EuroDisney announced its latest ride in their Adventure Land today. The unveiling ceremony was poorly attended this morning and lines were distressingly small throughout the day. Many of the visitors favored such exhibits as the French White Flag Rally and the Switzerland Cheese Flume.

10. Skin care - Doctors agreed that a regular regimen of moisturizing, vitamins and UV ray protection improves skin health far better than their former mandated health plan entitled, "Sandpaper, Tanning Booths and Nude Beaches: The Skin Care Wave Of The Future".

Trending RIGHT Now (4/23/11)

1. Lindsay Lohan - Drug dealers in the greater California area have lodged a "cease and desist" order against Lindsay Lohan today so that they may have an opportunity to replenish their stock. "Besides which," one anonymous dealer admitted in a printed release, "the Skid Row addicts were starting to complain".

2. Diane Lane - Still has a vibrant career in Hollywood in spite of no one quite remembering who she is.

3. George Lopez - SEE: Diane Lane

4. Tsunami debris - Enjoying a resurgence in popularity, these two words have leapt far ahead of such classic combinations as "Tornado fragments", "Flood rubbish", "Earthquake offal" and the once top-choice "Monsoon crap".

5. Holy Saturday - "Robin, judging from the latter parts of torn calenders and "X"s through all the Friday dates, it looks like we're up against our old enemy: The Weekender." "Holy Saturday, Batman!"

6. Dev Patel - There are some people who decry the outlandish lack of consonants when it comes to names. Christabel Paskawych-Karbashewsky is expected to voice a rebuttal within the hour.

7. John McCain - Still alive. Film at 11.

8. Green energy - Scientists are working around the clock to create a viable power source by pulverizing lettuce, old cheese and Dennis Rodman's hair and pouring the combination in a gas tank. To date, no luck.

9. 2011 Car Of The Year - Detroit announced their pride and joy of the year today: a vehicle that gets 75 miles per gallon, an easily accessible and maintainable engine, cheap accessories and can comfortably seat a family of four, all for under $5000. Detroit then burst out laughing, screamed "PUNKED!" and ran out of the showroom.

10. Ryan Braun - Once popular fixture among electric razor enthusiasts, Ryan has alienated a large group of followers upon the announcement of completion of his now 10-foot long beard.

Trending RIGHT Now (4/21/11)

1. Heather Morris - A scientific group today claimed the first successful cloning of DNA between Eighties bombshell Heather Thomas and advertising icon Morris the Cat. Initial reaction was that the result "while fascinating, still made the casual onlooker wonder what a yellow tabby was doing in a bikini".
   
2. Johnny Cash - Even though dead, he is still being sought online more than Lady Antebellum. Coincidence?
   
3. Kirstie Alley - Yes, she's still around and she's still trying to lose weight and still trying to be relevant - but this time she's DANCING!
   
4. Jane Krakowski - I know her; she played Betty Rubble! No, that was Rosie O'Donnell. She's that hot chick on "30 Rock"! No, that's Tina Fey. I guess I don;t know her after all.
   
5. Salty cat - The first country single released by new singing sensation Heather Morris.
   

6. NBC The Voice - Can you hear it? It's saying, "bring...back...Conan...."
   
7. Fukushima evacuation - Nothing funny to add here, but how often do you get to say "Fukushima"?
   
8. Window blinds - The first thing people run for when they hear that Kirstie Alley's in town.
   
9. Cloud computing - First global warming and now this; you wouldn't believe how much binary goes into making a cumulus.
   
10. Smoking ban CDC - Today, the CDC declared unfair bias against smokers who continually denied its existence. When asked to comment, the smokers were too busy hacking up black gunk.