Greatest movie scenes ever part 11

This is Maurice. Maurice is a friend of Sha Deezy's dad Metin and is someone who Sha Deezy and I have shared the company of when sinking a few drinks on numerous occasions.

Maurice had a behemoth heartattack a couple of weeks ago and got his Nikki Sixx on when he died for a few minutes before coming back to life. During those crucial couple of minutes when he flatlined he saw stuff. Stuff that, now he's on the mend, he's managed to sketch down. Post-death dream full of cliched iconography caused by lax of oxygen to the brain or genuine glimpse into the afterlife? You decide :



Although Maurice may have first hand experience of death and the possibility of what, if anything, comes after the human heart goes bump for the last time, here at The Martorialist we prefer to pour over this scene from Abel Ferrara's '96 mob chef-d'oeuvre (and dry-run for many a Sopranos actor) The Funeral for all our thoughts on theology and hold it to task for inspiring our own inability to take responsibility or blame for even the most mundane of errors.

Witness Jean Tempio (Annabella Sciorra, looking not quite as hot as she did as Gloria in The Sopranos) tell Ray Tempio (Christopher Walken) he'll more than likely burn in hell for avenging his brother Johnny's (Vince Gallo) death and Ray replying that he eschews all accountability for his actions as he blames them on god since nothing, according to "them Catholic scholars", happens without the god's permission :

I'm ashamed of nothin', I didn't make the world!

Motherf**kin' Charlie Bronson and the Statham paradox.

When at the cinema to peruse Bronson yesterday i happened to chance upon the trailer for Crank 2 : High Voltage during the deluge of clips for upcoming movies that VUE flood you with.



See, i'm feeling the concept - bloke who dies and has his heart replaced by a car battery which needs recharging constantly who then has a limited amount of time to find his old heart who some quack mate of his will pop back in for him - and some of the action looks glorious but it's fucking Jason Statham, innit? Give this movie to Vin Diesel and it'd be a contender for the best film of 2009; Give it to the god Steven Seagal and it'd be up there with Bad Boys 2 and The Bourne Ultimatum as far as noughties action flicks go; Give it to Jason Statham and it'll be a movie i'll NEVER watch under any circumstance. Oh what a difference a shit mockney jobber makes.

Bronson was a decent enough watch. Obviously not worthy of being mentioned alongside A Clockwork Orange, Scum or Chopper as some reviews have suggested but nor is it worthy of comparisons to generic mockney movies with are little more than a bunch of luvvies calling each other facking caaants for 90 odd minutes either. It's merely a decent enough biopic. Here's 4 reasons why :

1. Unless you've got Joey Deacon at the helm it's pretty much impossible to fuck up a basic biopic flick and Tom Hardy plays Bronson exactly as we've seen him in various documentaries and tv interviews.

2. During the naked scenes i couldn't help but notice that his flaccid cock was significently smaller than mine. Result!

3. The theatrical narrative elevates it beyond your bogstandard sub-Guy Ritchie Brit flick and during the prison scenes i was reminded of Oz, which can never be a bad thing.

4. Seeing a luxuriantly moustached man with a penchant for Charles Bronson issuing out threats and dolling out beatings to all and sundry made me think of Metin AKA Mr D threatening Morton Road smackheads and going apeshit on the bus when taking on a gang of young scallywags single handedly.



I'll fooken' set 'em all on fire heh heh heh.

Shellac - Jailbreak